These 19 types of kisses will have women bolting away—even if you have the abs of Thor, the kindness of Captain America, and the bank account of Bill Gates.
You can tell a lot about a person by the way they kiss. A kiss can express a lot of things, and it is the sweetest prelude to a moment that can potentially change your life… or just give you the most amazing night.
But a lot of things can also go wrong with a kiss, especially a horridly disgusting one. You may even know this based on experience, as many women may have experienced one bad kiss at some point in their lives. And if you haven’t… well… lucky you!
Horrifying kisses to avoid at all costs
In order to do a great service to humanity, we are listing some of the most common gross kisses that can definitely make or break a new relationship.
#1 Wide-open-mouth kiss. This type of kisser doesn’t know what he’s getting into. Or maybe he’s really just into it. BUT… it’s so wrong! He just goes all out for it and barely comes up for air. Maybe he thinks kissing is about opening his mouth and moving his head around and around over you. [Read: 11 clear signs of a bad kisser and 15 foolproof remedies]
#2 Closed-mouth kiss. Another no-no is this what-the-hell kiss. If you happen to encounter this kisser, you’ll be frustrated by how he keeps his mouth closed all the time, like he’s disgusted with what’s happening—or maybe he just doesn’t want to kiss you at all.
#3 Pecking kiss. This kisser seems to think he’s a bird—Woody Woodpecker, perhaps. His pucker is actually a pecker, all over your face in the most unflattering, unsexy way.
#4 Slobber kiss. This kisser seems to just have a lot of spit… always. You know you’re with a slobber kisser when you feel dirty and wet afterwards—but not in a sexy way. At all. A slobber kisser will kiss you all over and leave gross, slimy trails of spit on your face that you can’t wait to wipe off before you run for the hills. [Read: How to French kiss – The real dos and don’ts you need to follow]
#5 Too-much-biting kiss. Biting can be sexy, but if a guy bites you to the point that you bleed and you get swollen lips afterwards, then he may be a vampire you’ve really got to stay away from. If you feel like you’ve been bitten by a savage animal after a kiss, you either have to give this guy a lesson on kissing or a lesson on not getting near you again.
#6 Tongue-sucking kiss. Tongue sucking can be kinky and hot—but only to a certain extent. If you find yourself sticking out your tongue while he sucks on it like a baby or animal trying to clean it or glean sustenance, that’s just weird. That kiss isn’t really about you or pleasing you—it’s about how your tongue tastes like the last meal you ate… or he may have a tongue fetish. [Read: Is your boyfriend a bad kisser? Teach him right with these easy tricks]
#7 Limp-tongue kiss. While there are kisses that will make the hair on your neck stand out, there are also those that are just so. damn. boring. Case in point: the limp-tongue kiss. There you are, all hot and heavy as your lips touch, and then his tongue just lies limp. It’s like kissing a dead fish. You stop and you wonder what happened to him *Is he sick or something?*. Then, sadly, you tell yourself you’re never going to see this guy again.
#8 Bad breath kiss. Perhaps nothing is worse when it comes to kissing than kissing someone who has awful breath. Sure, he could be on top of your list of most eligible bachelors, but if his breath smells stinky, then show him the door—but not before you give him some mints so he gets the hint, for the sake of all the other girls and the rest of humanity. [Read: 25 of the biggest dating deal breakers for women everywhere]
#9 Ear-cleaner kiss. The ears are powerfully erogenous. There’s something about a whisper, a light touch, or a soft kiss on the ear that can instantly turn you on. However, there are people who go overboard. If his slithering tongue is all over the crevices of your ear and you feel like you have a thick, slimy Q-tip cleaning your ear canal, push him off and tell him to put his tongue away. [Read: 11 sexiest spots to kiss a girl and arouse her]
#10 Up-the-nose kiss. The up-the-nose-kisser reminds you of an eager puppy that you left at home for a long time. When you finally get home, he jumps all over you and kisses you all over. Like a puppy, this kisser just can’t get enough of you. His mouth is all up in your mouth—in fact, over it and to your nose. What is he thinking???
#11 Googly-eye kiss. When you watch romantic movies and the actors have their eyes closed as they lean in to touch lips, you begin to think that all kisses you’ll have will be like that—until you meet the googly-eyed kisser. This type keeps his eyes open the whole time you kiss. If you happen to glance at him in the middle of doing French, don’t be surprised if you feel like you’re being doused with cold water. There’s nothing sexy or romantic about a guy who goes cross-eyed on you while you kiss.
#12 Christian Grey kiss. This is simply a painful kiss. When you lean in suddenly for an impassioned kiss, but you end up bashing teeth, causing you to hurt your gums and chip a tooth, you’ve experienced a Christian Grey smooch. There might be a time that one or both of you might bleed, but you still continue to kiss each other, anyway, and you taste blood mixed with each other’s saliva. Just… no.
#13 All-over-the-face kiss. This kisser will kiss you everywhere—except your lips. When you kiss this kisser, it may feel like he’s going to eat your face—your cheek, your chin, your cheekbones—whatever. You might even be scared he’ll lick your eyeballs out. [Read: 15 things guys do that are a huge turn off for girls]
#14 The sick kiss. This kiss is a somewhat forgivable kiss but is, nevertheless, disgusting. This is when your partner is sick with the sniffles and you offer a soft peck to make him feel better, but he sneezes all over your face. You get bonus points when you get gooey mucus on your face. Yay, girlfriend!
#15 Food residue kiss. So, you had a fancy dinner with filet mignon and fine wine. You’re happy you got your ideal date in a fancy place—until you kiss, that is. This type of kisser should think about brushing his teeth and flossing before coming at you. This is because, as you kiss, some of the filet mignon he ate goes to you. The disgusting part is, you might be forced to swallow it and then hate yourself for it afterward. Eek!
Just when you thought it couldn’t get any grosser, here are more disgusting kisses that you won’t believe exist… and you hope you won’t ever experience *or wish on anyone—even your enemy*.
#16 Rainbow kiss. There’s really nothing bright, colorful, and rainbow-y about the rainbow kiss. There’s no sparkle and glitter and color. It is actually far from it; with this kiss, you perform 69 with your partner… while on your period. Then he comes in your mouth and you keep it there until the two of you kiss, mixing a “rainbow” of menstrual blood and semen with your saliva.
#17 Hershey’s rainbow kiss. This is a “chocolate” variety of the Rainbow Kiss, in which you also add yours or your partner’s feces into your mouths before kissing and swapping fluids.
#18 Dirty sanchez. This isn’t actually a kiss, but involves the upper lip, so we’ll put it in the mix. This is when your partner fingers your behind and wipes the remnants of your “fudge” over your lips, forming a smelly, fecal mustache.
#19 Dirty rodriguez. This is a cousin to the Dirty Sanchez, in which, instead of fingering your ass, your partner inserts his penis and transfers the fecal matter it collected onto your upper lip.
So, there you have it: our horrendous list of mortifying kisses. If these didn’t turn your stomach, then consider this: you may be guilty of inflicting one of these kisses on someone else! It’s enough to make you want to bury your head in the sand, no? Next time you pucker up, remember to avoid these kisses. Better yet, brush up on your lip repertoire and spare the world a terrifying lip smack.