How long should you date before having sex? This has been a question that has been asked through history for I’m not even sure how long.
Sex is a big deal for some, but not so much so for others. And you are 100% entitled to your opinions and feelings. And as long as you’re being safe, you do you. It is really no one else’s concern how you answer how long should you date before having sex.
But sadly there is still quite a bit of judgement that goes into having sex too soon or even waiting too long. Society has made it their mission to shame women no matter their decisions about sex, but that should not impact your choice.
What does sex mean?
Sex has a biological definition, but to you it can mean anything. It can be a way to burn calories, have fun, trust someone else with your body, or to fully connect with someone you love.
In regards to dating, sex can mean that you are exclusive or hope you are. Unfortunately, it can also mean you’re too easy in someone’s eyes. Just as not having sex can mean that you’re a prude.
Although those assumptions are archaic and quite a bit sexist, they do exist. And even if a man doesn’t judge you for whenever you decide to have sex, how you feel about it matters. Maybe you have sex and break up down the line. You might regret having slept with him.
Even how you feel immediately after could make you question your own behavior. Sex maybe a somewhat simple act, but everything that surrounds it tends to be complicated.
Thinking about your future feelings may help you make a choice now. But on the other hand, overthinking could do more than put the situation into perspective. It could throw you off and make you hesitate every time. There needs to be a balance of rationalization and passion. [Read: 12 consequences of having sex too soon you need to be prepared for]
How long should you date before having sex?
Avoiding sex on the first date tends to be a pretty good move for the most part. Sometimes our urges get the best of us, but if you’re looking for a long term relationship and take sex to mean something more than a physical act, first date sex can lead to a lot of questions.
Not only could this lead to a one night stand and you feeling a bit used, but it can be less than safe to go home with someone you may have just met. So, even though having first date sex can feel freeing and wild, keep in mind that sex may be sex, but it can also come with baggage. [Read: Should you give in to the urge of sex on the first date?]
#1Should you talk about it first? Definitely. Whether it is a first date, three months in, or a month into an engagement, making sure you’re on the same page before having sex is necessary. It is a good rule of thumb that if you don’t feel comfortable talking about sex with this person, you probably won’t be comfortable actually having sex with them.
So have a simple chat. The most important part is to make sure everything you’re doing is consensual. From there you can discuss safety, past partners, and even preferences. #2Is waiting bad? Never. If you want to wait a week, five dates, or until marriage that is your decision and yours alone. No one should pressure you or make you feel wrong or weird about that choice. Not your partner, not your family, and certainly not your priest.
And besides that waiting has its benefits. Not only does sex tend to be better the longer you wait. It can show you’re more serious about some of the other aspects of dating, not just the physical bits. [Read: Why it’s okay to be prude and proud of it!]
#3 Is there a go-to time table? Some people may say date number five. Others may say a month. Personally, I like to go with 3-6 months because that tends to be how long it takes for me to trust someone. But it is really whatever feels good to you.
The best way to measure how long you should date before having sex is when you feel you trust this person. Sex and trust go hand and hand. You’re trusting this person enough to put your body in their hands and that they are indeed single, so take that as a green light.
#4 Is there such thing as waiting too long? No. As long as it is what you feel comfortable with, wait as long as you like. But if you’re waiting to prove a point, show you’re not easy, or for some other reason that really isn’t you, it can get awkward.
Not just that, but waiting a long time can also put a lot of pressure on the sex to be great. The first time you have sex with someone new it can be good, but most likely you’re both getting comfortable with each other and figuring things out. So don’t rush into it or do it just to get it over with, but waiting can put the pressure on. [Read: The common fears we all experience the first time we’re naked with a lover]
#5 What if you want to wait and he doesn’t? Dump him. If you explained to him that you’re not ready and hope he’ll wait for you, and he is still putting the pressure on you or tries to say you don’t have to be exclusive because you’re not giving him what he “needs.” He is not worth your time. You’re better off with someone who respects your decisions, especially the ones about your body.
#6Is it bad not to wait to have sex? Once again, no. If you want to have sex sooner rather than later that is your choice, as well as your partner’s. Just be sure you both know what it means to you. You can’t take back sex. So, make sure you’re both on the same page.
Sex is only as big of a deal as you make it. If it means something to you personally or doesn’t, that is up to you.
#7 There are no right or wrong answers. I apologize. This probably is not the answer you were looking for when you stumbled upon this feature. But it is the truth. Sex is about you and your choices. It is not about anyone else’s expectations, judgements, or standards.
See what feels good to you in the moment, in the relationship, and with that person, because that is what matters. Dating for months, years, or hours before having sex is no one’s business but your own and your potential lover’s.
Whatever you decide to do, know that sex is just sex at the end of the day. It doesn’t define you, your future, or anything.