Losing your virginity is such a personal story about a powerful time in your life. Everyone has a different experience and you’ll never get to “redo” that moment. That being said, there are also a lot of commonalities amongst the newly deflowered.
Although you won’t lose your virginity at the same age as someone else or even in the same way, you still have something in common with them: after you’ve done the deed, things are *very* different.
What I wish I—and you probably wish you—knew before saying goodbye to virginity
Now, I guess you could say that I got “the talk” at some point in my very early adolescent years, but it was nothing close to divulging everything I wish I would’ve known. My mom really only covered the basics—all things I had learned in health class the year before. [Read: Losing your virginity and having sex for the first time]
But what I really wanted—and sort of needed—to know were all things I didn’t find out until after I had lost my virginity forever. So here they all are, laid out in their truest form: the dirty truth about losing your virginity that no one—not even your best friend—told you.
#1 Ladies: it hurts, but not as much as you think. There is this huge misconception about how painful losing your virginity is. Honestly, it does depend on each person, because no one’s bodies are the same, but the movies and stories you’ve heard have been dramatized a bit.
This is especially true if you’ve engaged in other sexual activities prior to intercourse—which most people have, since it’s a natural progression. It will hurt a little and you’ll feel some pain, but it’s usually brief and not as bad as you expect.
#2 It’ll probably be really, really awkward. I won’t sugarcoat this too much. Sex for the first time is just awkward. You’ve never done it, it’s physically uncomfortable *for the ladies*, and you’re suspended in a very vulnerable state for some time. It’ll be a little awkward at first. Luckily, it does pass. [Check out: First time sex and the virgin’s guide to nailing it]
#3 You actually have to be prepared. Now, I don’t know about any of you, but when I lost my virginity, I was at an age where I was definitely not allowed to have boys in my room with the door closed… which means we had to really plan out when we were going to do it and where it was all happening. That’s not even to mention protection and birth control—all of which had to be taken care of beforehand. [Read: Facts about condoms]
#4 It won’t be good. At all. If it is, then you’re extremely lucky or just don’t know what “good” sex feels like yet. And you shouldn’t, because it’s your first time. Because it’s physically uncomfortable for the ladies, it usually doesn’t feel all that great. And for you fellas out there, it might feel good to you, but won’t be very good in any other sense of the word.
#5 You will feel completely different. Even though this is a typical and cliché point, it’s true. Afterward, you will feel like a different person. Being vulnerable and giving yourself to someone in a way that you’ve never done before is going to take a toll on your psyche—and not necessarily in a bad way.
#6 Your relationship will get better. If you lose your virginity to someone who actually cares for you and you are in a relationship, things might get a lot better. There’s a closeness that you have with someone you’ve slept with that doesn’t compare to a sex-free relationship. There’s a level of comfort that comes into play. [Check out: Dry humping and the virgin’s guide to orgasms]
#7 But it could also get worse. Now, on the other hand, it could cause things to get a bit rocky. Awkwardness, tension, and even uncertainty can put a damper on any relationship. Sometimes, people feel guilty if it’s too soon and it can leave your relationship a little broken.
#8 When you say you’re ready, you’re ready. There is no magic age where you’re automatically ready to have sex with someone. That doesn’t exist. You’re ready when you say you are and ONLY when you say you are. Nobody else has the power to tell you that just because you’re a 20-year-old that you’re ready for it. [Try: 13 rebound sex questions to know if you’re ready for it]
#9 It won’t be like in the movies. Nope. When teens *or adults* lose their virginity in movies, it seems sweet, simple, and easy. Don’t let those movies fool you. Just like romantic comedies paint an unrealistic picture of what relationships are like, movies also don’t show the real side of losing your v-card.
#10 They don’t care what your body looks like. For some reason, I was super self-conscious about whether my body would look good naked. Maybe because no one had ever seen me naked before—I don’t know. But the truth is that if you’re naked in front of someone for the first time, they’re only paying attention to those special little bits you’ve got—not the extra couple pounds you’ve put on. [Your weight might not matter, but your scent does. Read: 7 smelly body parts that can ruin great sex]
#11 You might be disappointed. Because you’ve built up all this hype in your mind of how your first time is supposed to go, you might be disappointed by the real thing. You’ve also probably been watching too many unrealistic movies. The real thing is raw, vulnerable, and not all that romantic.
#12 You probably won’t finish. This is mainly for you girls out there. Guys who lose their virginity usually finish—quickly. Girls, on the other hand, well… not so much. Due to the length of time it takes women to finish and the length of time it’ll take your guy to finish, it’s likely that you won’t. Not to mention the fact that your nerves will make it damn near impossible! [Try: The virgin’s guide to acting like she has experience]
#13 It’s special for the other person, too. If you’re both losing your virginity, or even if you are and they’re not, it’s special for the other person, too. If they’re losing their virginity, it’s just as important to them as it is to you because they haven’t done anything like it, either.
If they’ve done it before and you haven’t, it might be even more special for them. They get to take something so special to you even if you’re not taking it from them. This makes them want to make sure it’s done right and well for you.
#14 You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t want to. Absolutely no one needs to know about it. A lot of people feel like they have to tell someone once the deed is done, like an announcement that they’re no longer a virgin. But this is unnecessary. If you want to keep it to yourself, kind of like your own little secret, then by all means—do that!
#15 It’s not that big of a deal. Society has built up such a stigma around losing your virginity that it seems like a big deal to most people. It’s really not. Honestly, it’s more like a rite of passage. Just like when you learned to crawl, walk, and ride a 2-wheel bike. It’s really not as big a deal as you think it is. And once it’s over with, you’ll realize that.
[Next, read: Sex for the first time – The teen’s complete guide to a great time]
I wish there was someone around who would’ve told me all of this before I lost my virginity. These dirty truths to losing your v-card aren’t often said, but need to be acknowledged.
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