Being nervous before having sex with someone new is totally normal, but it can throw you off your game. So, how can you ensure you stay calm?
First and foremost, being nervous before having sex is completely normal. For many people, sex is a vulnerable thing.
Whether you are nervous about your body, your skill, or even your relationship, sex is personal no matter how you look at it. Whether you’re into casual sex or need to be in a committed relationship to feel comfortable, it is something deeply intimate, so nerves come with that.
There is nothing wrong with being nervous before having sex. There is nothing wrong with you if you are nervous before having sex.
But, it can be draining to be nervous. Nerves can make us overthink and not enjoy ourselves. And sex is something that should be enjoyed. It should bring us joy, not anxiety. And it can. [Read: How to handle the pre-sex jitters]
Why are you nervous before having sex?
Before figuring out how to let go of being nervous before having sex, think about what it is that is causing your nerves. Once you identify the reason why you are nervous, you can address that specific issue.
Are you nervous about what sex means? Maybe you’re worried that having sex will link you to this person in a relationship. Or perhaps you don’t want them to think you’re easy or too fast. Sex means different things to everyone.
Are you nervous about your performance? This may be one of the main reasons people get nervous before having sex. Because everyone has such different preferences you don’t know if your partner will like what you like and vice versa.
Are you nervous you won’t enjoy it? Being nervous before having sex can lead to feeling blah about the whole experience. And maybe you and your partner haven’t figured each other out yet.
Hopefully, you can pinpoint what it is about sex that is making you so nervous. Once you do that, you can try to convince yourself out of it or at least rationalize with yourself. On top of that, if your nerves are drawn from the unknown, take it step by step with your partner. Sex should always be comfortable for both of you.
If you’re self-conscious about your body. Remember there is a reason you are choosing to have sex with this person. You hopefully feel comfortable around them and believe they won’t judge you. Plus, they are probably just thinking about how lucky they are to be with you.
I know it can be hard to convince yourself of that, but it is the truth. What really makes the difference here is confidence. Knowing that you are an amazing person that anyone would be lucky to be with will help you let go of hesitations and fears about your body.
It is a fact that embarrassing stuff happens during sex. There are a lot of body parts moving around that cause smells, sounds, and awkwardness. It is nearly impossible to avoid it, so instead own it. Yes, it is vulnerable to let someone see all of you, but it can also be freeing. [Read: 15 painfully embarrassing things that happen during sex]
If you’re nervous about what sex means. For some, sex is just a physical activity while to others it is a symbol of love. Instead of feeling nervous before having sex that you don’t know what the outcome will be, talk about it. Before jumping into it, talk to your partner about what having sex means for both of you.
Is this just something casual. Are their feelings involved? Is this strictly physical? Are you just friends or are you hoping for something more? Talking this out first can help you feel more sure of each other’s motives. This way you can both enjoy sex without the unanswered questions. [Read: Just sex? All the reasons why sex can never be just sex]
If you’re nervous about your performance. Performance anxiety is common but can also make sex a nerve-racking time instead of what it should be, enjoyed by both people. If you are constantly worried that what you’re doing isn’t good enough, you won’t be able to relax and enjoy yourself.
Instead of fearing that what you’re doing isn’t good enough or just not what your current partner likes, ask. I know it can feel weird to talk so much in the moment, but it can make all the difference.
If you’re nervous you won’t enjoy it. Whether you have had less than spectacular sex in the past or are just nervous about your attraction or chemistry with your current partner, that is normal. The first time you have sex with someone new, it is almost like you’re doing it for the first time all over again.
You know the basics, but you don’t know your rhythm with this person, yet. Take it slow. Stop if you don’t feel comfortable. Talk about what feels good. Encourage your partner when they are doing something right, and steer them in the right direction if not. [Read: How to make sex with a new partner the first time less awkward]
If you’ve never had sex. There will always be some sort of nerves going into sex for the first time. Losing your virginity may not be the major big deal it once was, even 20 years ago, but it is a new experience for you.
To reduce the stress and fear of the unknown, make sure your partner knows this is your first time. That can help them understand your mindset whether they have experience or not. Take things step by step. Talk about how you feel in the moment.
Just try to remember that being nervous before having sex is not rare. It is more common than you probably realize and it happens for all sorts of reasons. But, like all sorts of anxiety, it is pulled from change and newness. What leads to feeling nervous before having sex is the unknown. You can calm yourself, talk with your partner, and put everything out in the open so there are no surprises. But, a little bit of nervousness before sex is exciting.