What Is Shrekking in Dating & 26 Signs They’re Dating You for an Ego Boost

Wondering if you’re being Shrekked? Learn the signs, psychology, and how to stop dating in someone else’s shadow, before it crushes your self-worth.

Ever feel like your partner thinks they’re doing you a favor by dating you? Like you’re the side character in a rom-com where they’re the star? Welcome to the world of Shrekking, a dating trend that sounds funny but hits way too close to home.

What is Shrekking?

Shrekking is when someone dates “down” in looks, status, or vibe, not out of love, but to feed their own ego. And spoiler alert: it’s more common than you think.

Gen Z didn’t just invent another meme with this one, they coined a term for a relationship dynamic that’s been lurking in the shadows of dating culture for years. Whether it’s rooted in insecurity, fear of rejection, or a need to feel superior, Shrekking is a power play wrapped in romance.

And if you’ve ever felt like the “lucky one” while your partner plays the prize, this feature is your emotional wake-up call. 📚 Source: Barelds & Dijkstra, 2011, Positive illusions about a partner’s personality and relationship quality

“Shrekking” is a modern dating term that’s part insult, part internet irony, and very much a reflection of today’s relationship dynamics.

Inspired by the unlikely romance between Shrek and Princess Fiona, the term describes a situation where someone dates a person they perceive as being “below” their league, often in looks, status, or social capital, but does it for their own ego boost, not genuine connection.

[Read: How to Know Your League in Dating Terms: Focus on What Truly Matters]

In this dynamic, the “Shrek” is usually the one being dated down to, while the other partner subtly (or not-so-subtly) acts superior. It’s not about love conquering all; it’s about power imbalance disguised as kindness. The person doing the Shrekking may play it off as being generous or open-minded, but underneath it all, they’re using the relationship to feel more attractive, desirable, or in control.

While the term first gained traction on TikTok and Twitter, it’s resonated deeply with Gen Z because it puts a name to a familiar (and often painful) experience, being treated like someone’s “charity case” rather than their equal.

It also flips the script on traditional dating hierarchies, exposing how some people manipulate perceived “leagues” not out of love, but out of insecurity, vanity, or fear of rejection.

So, if your partner makes you feel like they’re doing you a favor by being with you, or constantly reminds you how “lucky” you are to have them, you might just be getting Shrekked. [Read: Have a Hot Girlfriend? Learn How to Keep Her Happy & Stay Confident]

What does “Shrekking” actually mean in pop culture and TikTok?

“Shrekking” started as a tongue-in-cheek trend on TikTok, but it’s taken on a deeper, slightly darker meaning in the world of dating. Originally used to describe couples where one partner seems conventionally less attractive or socially desirable than the other, it’s evolved into a term that calls out a specific dating dynamic: when someone knowingly dates someone they consider “beneath” them, whether in looks, status, or personality, to feel more desirable, powerful, or admired.

On TikTok, the hashtag #shrekking has racked up millions of views, often showing couples with a noticeable disparity in appearance or vibe. But the trend isn’t just about visuals, it’s about intention. If someone is dating you because they see you as the “Shrek” to their “Fiona,” not because they genuinely value you, that’s when it crosses into problematic territory. [Read: 19 Secrets to Open Up to Someone You’re Dating Even If You’re Scared]

Gen Z has latched onto the term because it captures something many people have felt but didn’t have a word for: that subtle power imbalance when your partner sees you as a “step down” rather than an equal.

It’s funny on the surface, but underneath, it taps into real insecurities and social dynamics, especially in the age of dating apps, where swiping culture can make people hyperaware of “leagues.”

In short, Shrekking isn’t just a meme anymore. It’s a viral label for a dating pattern that feels oddly familiar, and occasionally, uncomfortably real. [Read: Hypergamy: What It Is, the Good, Bad & 24 Truths About Women Marrying Up]

The clear signs you’re dating someone who sees themselves as “out of your league”

When someone sees themselves as the “catch” in the relationship, it doesn’t always mean they’ll say it out loud, but their behavior will speak volumes.

If you’ve been feeling like you’re constantly trying to prove your worth or like they’re doing you a favor by being with you, it might be time to take a closer look. Here are the subtle (and not-so-subtle) signs you’re dating someone who sees themselves as above you.

1. They treat compliments like they’re one-sided

They’ll happily soak up praise from you, about their looks, intelligence, or success, but rarely return the favor. If you compliment them, they nod like it’s expected.

But when you’re fishing for a little appreciation? Crickets. This imbalance can make you feel like you’re constantly chasing validation in a relationship that should be mutual. [Read: One-Sided Open Relationship: What to Expect, Mistakes & 34 Steps to Explore It]

2. They make jokes about being “too good” for you

It might start off playful, a joke about how lucky you are to have them. But over time, these comments can chip away at your self-esteem. Whether it’s teasing about your job, appearance, or social status, these jabs aren’t harmless if they’re reinforcing a power imbalance masked as humor.

3. They act differently around their friends

Notice a shift when you’re around their social circle? If they seem embarrassed by you, avoid showing affection, or downplay the relationship in front of others, that’s a red flag.

People who see themselves as “out of your league” often try to maintain their image by distancing themselves from anything they think doesn’t match their status. [Read: How to Tell Someone Is Using You: 22 Signs a User Just Can’t Hide]

4. They subtly remind you of your flaws

They might not outright insult you, but they’ll drop passive-aggressive comments about your appearance, career, or lifestyle choices. These micro-critiques are often disguised as “helpful advice”, but they’re really just reminders of how they think you don’t measure up.

5. They expect you to overcompensate

Whether it’s always making the plans, putting in extra effort to impress their friends, or constantly trying to “prove” your worth, the pressure is on you to make the relationship work. Meanwhile, they contribute the bare minimum and act like their presence alone is the gift. [Read: Putting Too Much Effort into a Relationship: Where to Draw the Line]

6. They flirt with others, and blame you for being insecure

They might flirt in front of you or keep options open on social media, all while insisting it’s “harmless.” If you bring it up, they accuse you of being jealous or needy. This kind of behavior reinforces the idea that they have options, while you should just be lucky they picked you.

7. They downplay your achievements

When you share something you’re proud of, they respond with indifference or a quick “cool.” They might even compare it to something they’ve done that’s “better.” This isn’t just lack of support, it’s a subtle way of keeping you in a lower position in the relationship hierarchy. [Read: 18 Signs & Why Something Feels Off in Your Relationship & Doesn’t Feel Right]

8. You constantly feel like you’re not “enough”

At the end of the day, the most telling sign is how you feel. If you’re constantly anxious, overthinking your worth, or feeling like you have to earn their affection, that’s not love, that’s emotional imbalance. Relationships should make you feel secure, not small. [Read: A Lack of Affection And Intimacy in a Relationship: Is It Time to Walk Away?]

9. They weaponize gratitude

They say things like, “No one else would put up with you,” or “You should be thankful I’m this patient.” It sounds generous, but it’s actually manipulation wrapped in emotional debt. They want you to feel like you owe them love, like their presence is a favor you have to repay by staying small and grateful.

10. You feel like you’re always performing

You’re constantly curating yourself to be more appealing, dressing up more than you normally would, pretending to be into things you’re not, or hiding parts of your personality that feel “too much.” If the relationship feels more like an audition than a connection, that’s not a partner, that’s a pedestal.

11. They strategically mention their exes

They’ll casually name-drop how hot or successful their exes were, making subtle comparisons that leave you questioning if you’re enough. These comments aren’t innocent, they’re strategic reminders that they’ve had “better,” and could again.

12. They avoid labeling the relationship

If someone thinks they’re above you, they’ll often keep things undefined. Why? Because commitment would lower their perceived value, and they want to keep their options open while enjoying the perks of your devotion. It’s not just fear of labels; it’s a power-preserving strategy. [Read: 20 Signs He Doesn’t Want a Relationship with You & Just Wants to Have Fun]

13. Their affection is inconsistent

One day they’re all over you, the next day they’re emotionally MIA. This hot-and-cold game isn’t accidental, it keeps you chasing. The more you try to “win them back,” the more control they hold. And that dynamic is emotionally exhausting. [Read: Emotionally Exhausted? How It Feels, 41 Signs & Reasons Why You’re Drained]

14. You’re scared to be vulnerable with them

You censor your emotions because you’re afraid they’ll see you as “clingy” or “too much.” That’s a big red flag. In secure relationships, vulnerability deepens intimacy. If your partner’s superiority complex makes you feel emotionally unsafe, it’s not love, it’s intimidation.

Romantic dynamics rooted in superiority aren’t just annoying, they can deeply impact your self-esteem. According to research, partners who consistently feel inferior in a relationship are more likely to experience anxiety, low self-worth, and emotional burnout. 📚 Source: Murray et al., 2006, Optimizing assurance: The risk regulation system in relationships

Shrekking, dating “beneath” and why people do this

So, why would someone intentionally date someone they see as “beneath” them? It may sound harsh, but the psychology behind shrekking isn’t as cartoonish as it sounds, it’s often rooted in insecurity, power dynamics, or a need for control.

One common reason is low self-esteem. Some people feel safer dating someone they perceive as less attractive, less successful, or less socially desirable because it reduces the fear of rejection. If you’ve ever heard someone say, “They’d never leave me, they’re lucky to have me,” that’s a classic shrekker mindset. It’s not about love; it’s about emotional insurance. [Read: Dating Someone with Low Self-Esteem: What It’s Like for Both of You]

Then there’s the ego boost factor. Being the “hot one” or the “smart one” in the relationship can make someone feel superior. It’s like having a constant confidence IV drip, they get to play the role of the prize, the rescuer, or the person who “upgraded” someone else’s life. This can be especially tempting for people who crave external validation or grew up tying their worth to their achievements or appearance.

Control is another big motivator. If one partner feels like they hold the power, financially, socially, or emotionally, they can subtly (or not-so-subtly) steer the relationship. This can create an unhealthy imbalance where the other person is always trying to “catch up” or prove their worth. [Read: Controlling Relationship: 42 Signs & Ways to Love Without Bullying]

In some cases, shrekking comes from fear of vulnerability. Dating someone they don’t fully respect or admire means they don’t have to risk getting hurt. If the relationship fails, they don’t lose much emotionally. It’s a self-protective move disguised as romance.

Unfortunately, none of these reasons make for a healthy, mutual connection. Dating should be about respect, not ranking. When someone dates down to feel up, it’s not love, it’s a coping mechanism. 📚 Source: Brummelman et al., 2015, Origins of narcissism in children

When someone consistently chooses to date people they perceive as “beneath” them, whether in looks, status, or confidence, it’s easy to assume they’re just being arrogant. But the truth is, the psychology behind “dating down,” or what TikTok now calls Shrekking, is way more layered than that. At its core, it often comes down to two major forces: low self-esteem and the need for control.

Let’s start with insecurity. Ironically, some people who appear confident are actually deeply afraid of rejection. So instead of dating someone who matches them in confidence or attractiveness, they seek out partners who seem less likely to leave.

It’s a self-protection strategy, if the power dynamic is lopsided, they feel safer. This aligns with attachment theory, which suggests that people with anxious or avoidant attachment styles often engage in unbalanced relationships to avoid vulnerability. [Read: Attachment Styles Theory: 4 Types and 19 Signs & Ways You Attach To Others]

On the flip side, there’s manipulation. Some people date down not because they fear rejection, but because they crave control or validation. Being the “hot one” or the “successful one” in the relationship gives them an ego boost. They might enjoy being idolized or having the upper hand in decision-making. This can veer into narcissistic dynamics, where the person uses their partner’s admiration to fuel their own self-worth. 📚 Source: Campbell et al., 2002, Does self-love lead to love for others? A story of narcissistic game playing

Social comparison theory also plays a role. People often judge their own value based on who they’re with. Dating someone “below” them can serve as a way to feel superior, especially if they’re struggling with internal doubts or imposter syndrome. [Read: Imposter Syndrome: 36 Causes, Signs, Types & Ways to Stop Feeling Fake]

So is it always toxic? Not necessarily, but when someone chooses a partner primarily because they feel “above” them, it’s worth asking: are they looking for love, or just a mirror to reflect their own insecurities?

Is dating down always bad? When it’s okay and when it’s harmful

“Dating down” gets a bad rap, and understandably so when it’s rooted in power plays or ego. But not every relationship where one partner is more conventionally attractive, successful, or socially desirable is toxic.

The truth? It depends entirely on the intention behind it and how both people feel within the dynamic. [Read: Conventionally Attractive: What It Means, 41 Signs & Truths About Being One]

When dating down is okay (and even healthy)

Sometimes, what looks like “dating down” from the outside is actually just two people who deeply vibe in ways that aren’t visible on Instagram.

Maybe one partner is less conventionally attractive but emotionally mature, kind, or hilarious. Or maybe they bring stability, loyalty, or shared values that matter more than surface-level traits. When both people feel seen, respected, and secure, it’s not dating down, it’s just dating someone different.

This kind of relationship works when there’s no superiority complex, no one being “granted” love like a favor, and no power imbalance. It’s mutual, it’s balanced, and both people feel lucky to be with each other in their own way.

When dating down becomes harmful

It gets toxic when one person knows they hold more “social currency” (looks, status, money, etc.) and uses it to control, belittle, or emotionally manipulate the other. This is where “Shrekking” comes in, dating someone perceived as beneath you just to feel more powerful, avoid rejection, or boost your ego. [Read: Can You Manipulate Someone to Fall in Love with You? 30 Ways People Do It]

In these cases, the “lesser” partner often feels like they’re constantly trying to prove their worth, walking on eggshells, or being subtly reminded that they’re lucky to be there. That’s not love, it’s a hierarchy masquerading as a relationship. [Read: Walking on Eggshells in Your Relationship? 18 Signs & How to Fix It]

So no, dating down isn’t always bad. But if it’s built on inequality, pity, or performance instead of mutual respect, it’s not a relationship, it’s a power trip.

Is Shrekking always toxic?

Not necessarily. While “Shrekking” often gets a bad rap, and for good reason, it’s not always rooted in cruelty or manipulation. Sometimes, dating someone who seems “beneath” you on paper isn’t about power or ego at all. It can be about chemistry, shared values, or just genuinely vibing with someone who doesn’t fit society’s idea of your “level.” [Read: 34 Reasons to Break Up With Someone & Leave Even If You Love Them]

The problem arises when one person knows (or believes) they’re the “catch” and uses that to subtly (or not-so-subtly) dominate the relationship. That’s when Shrekking becomes toxic, when it’s used to boost ego, avoid vulnerability, or keep control. It stops being about love and starts being about leverage.

But there are also cases where someone dates down out of fear, not malice. For instance, a person with low self-esteem may avoid dating someone they see as their equal because they’re terrified of being rejected. It’s still a Shrekking dynamic, but it’s driven by insecurity, not arrogance. That doesn’t make it healthy, but it does make it more complicated.

So, is Shrekking always toxic? No. But it is always worth examining. If the relationship is built on genuine respect, shared values, and emotional safety, then the “league” difference might not matter at all. But if one person is constantly reminded they’re lucky to be there? That’s not love, it’s a power play.

How to respond if you realize you’re being Shrekked

Realizing you’re being Shrekked, aka, someone is dating you to boost their own ego while subtly treating you like you’re “beneath” them, can feel like a punch to the gut. It’s confusing, frustrating, and can quietly chip away at your self-esteem if you don’t catch it early.

But you’re not powerless. Here’s how to take back control, protect your heart, and move forward with clarity and confidence.

1. Validate your feelings, this isn’t “in your head”

If your gut is telling you something feels off, trust it. Shrekking can be subtle, but emotional imbalance leaves a trail: passive-aggressive jokes, backhanded compliments, or them constantly reminding you how “lucky” you are to be with them.

You’re allowed to feel hurt or confused. Your emotional reactions are valid, and they’re often the first clue something’s wrong. [Read: Backhanded Compliment: What It Is & the Best Ways to Give It Back]

2. Reflect on the dynamic

Ask yourself: Do I feel respected? Do I feel equal in this relationship? Or do I constantly feel like I’m proving my worth? If your partner seems to thrive on being the “hot one,” the “smart one,” or the “successful one,” while minimizing your wins, that’s not balance, that’s ego management on their part. [Read: 19 Truths To Respect Yourself In a Relationship & Stop Being a Pushover]

3. Set boundaries early and clearly

Once you’ve identified the dynamic, it’s time to speak up. You don’t need to accuse them of “Shrekking” you (though that would be iconic). Instead, express how their comments or behaviors make you feel.

For example: “When you say things like that, it makes me feel small or less than.” Healthy partners will listen, reflect, and adjust. Unhealthy ones will deflect, deny, or double down.

4. Rebuild your self-worth, outside the relationship

If you’ve been dating someone who consistently puts themselves on a pedestal, it’s natural to internalize some of that imbalance.

Start reconnecting with your own strengths. Spend time with friends who hype you up, return to hobbies that make you feel confident, and remind yourself of your value beyond how someone else sees you.

5. Decide if this relationship is worth continuing

After the conversation and reflection, ask yourself: Is this relationship growing in mutual respect, or are you staying because you’re afraid of being alone?

If your partner only wants to date someone who makes them feel superior, they’re not looking for love, they’re looking for a mirror. You deserve more than that. [Read: 35 Signs Your Rocky Relationship Deserves a Second Chance & When To Let Go]

6. Don’t shrink yourself to be loved

One of the most damaging effects of being Shrekked is the slow erosion of self. You might start dressing differently, playing down your intelligence, or shrinking your wins so your partner doesn’t feel “threatened.” That’s not love, that’s self-abandonment. The right partner won’t need you to dim your light for them to shine.

Remember: Real love is built on equality, not ego. If someone can’t handle your glow, they were never your person to begin with.

It’s not about green skin or swamp jokes. It’s that sinking feeling that you’re being tolerated, not truly celebrated. If that’s you, here’s how to start reclaiming your self-esteem and emotional balance.

1. Reality-check the dynamic

First things first: is this feeling coming from your partner’s actions, or your own insecurities? Pay attention to how they treat you.

Do they uplift you, or subtly put you down? Do they make jokes at your expense in front of others? If you’re always the punchline or feel like you’re constantly “proving” your worth, that’s not love, it’s status signaling. Your gut is onto something, so don’t gaslight yourself into silence.

2. Stop measuring your worth through their lens

If your partner constantly reminds you how “lucky” you are to be with them, that’s not confidence, it’s control disguised as charm.

Healthy relationships are built on mutual admiration, not silent rankings. Start paying attention to your own wins, your own glow-up, and your own value, even if your partner doesn’t hype it up. [Read: 38 Signs & Traits of a Happy, Healthy Relationship & What It Should Look Like]

3. Rebuild your self-esteem outside the relationship

When you start believing you’re the “lesser” one, it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. So invest in you. Reconnect with friends who remind you of your worth, pick up hobbies that make you feel competent, and set personal goals that have nothing to do with your relationship. Self-worth shouldn’t be outsourced to someone else’s approval.

4. Set boundaries around how you’re treated

It’s okay to say, “That comment made me feel small,” or “I don’t like being compared to others.” Boundaries aren’t drama, they’re emotional hygiene. If they dismiss or mock your feelings, that’s not a high-value partner. That’s someone who benefits from keeping you small. [Read: 29 Secrets to Set Boundaries with a Narcissist & Typical Ways They’d React]

5. Ask yourself: Would I date me?

This isn’t about ego. It’s about flipping the narrative. What do you bring to the table, emotionally, intellectually, socially?

Write it down if you have to. You might be surprised to realize you’re actually the prize. Confidence isn’t about thinking you’re better than others, it’s about knowing you don’t have to settle to be loved.

6. Consider whether this relationship reflects your values

If you feel more anxious than appreciated, more invisible than seen, it may be time to ask: does this relationship align with the kind of love you want? Staying in a dynamic where you’re treated like a backup dancer in someone else’s spotlight will only drain you. You deserve a relationship where you both shine. [Read: Silent Treatment in a Relationship: Why It Hurts & 37 Must-Knows to Handle It]

And remember, just because someone acts like they’re doing you a favor by dating you doesn’t mean it’s true. Often, people who “date down” do it to feel more powerful, not because they’re out of your league. 📚 Source: Anna Z. Czarna, et al., 2022, Narcissism and partner-enhancement

How to stop Shrekking others: Self-awareness tips for people who date down

If you suspect you’ve been “Shrekking” in your dating life, choosing partners you secretly believe are “beneath” you, it’s time for a reality check.

Whether it’s rooted in fear of rejection, control, or just an unconscious ego boost, this behavior can hurt both you and the people you date. The good news? You can unlearn it. Here’s how to shift from shallow validation to deeper, healthier connection.

1. Ask yourself: Why am I really attracted to this person?

Attraction is complex, but ask yourself honestly, am I into them, or do I just feel safe because I think I’m the “catch” here? If your interest is fueled by feeling superior rather than inspired or emotionally connected, that’s a red flag.

You might be using someone’s perceived “lower status” (socially, physically, financially) to soothe your own insecurities.

2. Reflect on your self-worth without comparison

People who Shrek often rely on “dating down” to feel better about themselves. But real self-worth isn’t built by comparison, it’s built by self-acceptance.

Try journaling or therapy to explore where your need to feel “above” others comes from. You might uncover fears of inadequacy, rejection, or abandonment beneath the surface.

3. Challenge your internalized hierarchies

We’re all influenced by social media, beauty standards, and dating culture that ranks people like they’re on a leaderboard. But attraction isn’t a competition.

If you catch yourself thinking, “I could do better,” ask: Better by whose standards? Learn to value emotional compatibility, kindness, and shared goals over superficial traits. [Read: Emotional Attraction: 22 Signs You Have It and Why It’s Essential]

4. Stop using your partner as a mirror

If you’re dating someone just to feel more attractive, successful, or in control, you’re not really seeing them, you’re just projecting. This isn’t fair to them or you. Practice seeing your partner as a full human being, not just a reflection of how you want to feel about yourself.

5. Choose people who challenge and inspire you

Healthy relationships involve mutual growth. If you’re always the one in the “power seat,” you’re missing out on the magic of being with someone who pushes you to evolve. Seek partners who make you feel seen, not just admired. [Read: How to Face Relationship Challenges & Overcome Them as a Couple]

6. Own your patterns without shame, but do better

We all have messy dating histories. What matters is what you do next. If you recognize a pattern of Shrekking, don’t spiral into guilt, use that awareness as a pivot point. Growth starts with honesty, and every step toward dating with integrity makes you emotionally stronger and more secure.

📚 Source: Campbell, 1999, Narcissism and romantic attraction

Choose Relationships Where You Feel Equal, Not Grateful

Shrekking might sound like a punchline, but its emotional impact is far from funny. When relationships are built on rankings instead of respect, no one wins, especially not the person being treated like a confidence crutch.

Whether you’re the one being Shrekked or doing the Shrekking, the key is self-awareness, emotional honesty, and a little less ego in your dating equation.

Healthy love doesn’t come from power plays or pity, it comes from mutual admiration, vulnerability, and feeling safe to be your full, unfiltered self. If you’re constantly shrinking yourself to feel worthy or inflating your ego to feel secure, it’s time to reevaluate what love really means to you.

[Read: Super Self-Obsessed: 22 Secret Signs You’re Dating an Egomaniac]

Shrekking is more than just a dating trend, it’s a reflection of deeper insecurities and power dynamics. Recognizing it is the first step toward building relationships rooted in equality, not ego.