Loving Someone Too Much: What It Means, Why and How It’s Bad for Love

As strange as it sounds, there is a thing as loving someone too much. It’s not always healthy, and you can end up smothering a lover if you’re not careful.

loving someone too much

Contrary to love stories, chick flicks and epic poems, there is such a thing as loving someone too much. If you do not know when to stop smothering someone, you run the risk of pushing your newfound love away.

What does it mean to love someone too much? 

Many people are addicted to loving too much and smothering a partner without even realizing it. And while they do this, they ignore all the warning signs and are completely taken off guard when their partner leaves them.

You need to remember that as exciting as being in a new relationship is, you have to watch your step. Although there is nothing wrong with showering your partner with love, there is a fine line between being attentive and smothering.

Do not be blinded by love and learn to pay attention to the signals. When you constantly cross the line between your partner’s tolerance and annoyance, your partner will probably display telltale signs that enough is enough and that they need you to back away.

Some of these signs include, but are not limited to, pulling disappearing acts on you, making excuses for breaking dates, and as a last resort, breaking up with you! [Read: How to stop loving someone and read the signs it’s time to walk away]

Psychology of loving someone too much

Someone who loves too much has an attachment style called insecure-anxious attachment. They are always worried that their loved one is going to reject or abandon them. Because of this, they are constantly feeling insecure and anxious. And that leads them to loving people too much.

This attachment style affects their motives, feelings, and behavior in intimate relationships. They often have an incomplete or damaged sense of who they are. In fact, they usually have a negative view of themselves and feel like they don’t deserve love.

Because of their low self-esteem, they seek approval, constant validation, and reassurance about their self-worth from other people. And because of this, they have an emotional hunger for love and care, which can lead them to loving too much. [Read: Can you ever stop loving someone or find love in someone else?]

Why loving someone too much pushes them away

Smothering someone with love does not prove that you love them. Rather, it displays signs of insecurity and selfishness. There is nothing wrong with showering your significant other with your undying love and attention, but crossing that fine line and traversing into the region of smothering is easier than you think.

Many say that the reason they smother their loved ones is that they are afraid of losing them. But almost always, the truth is, the more you suffocate them with love and attention, the further away you are pushing them.

When you really think about it, loving someone does not mean you have to breathe down their necks and keep tabs on them every minute of every day. Love is meant to be generous and trustworthy. If you cannot offer your new love these fundamentals, then you are not ready to be in a relationship. [Read: 15 subtle and shocking signs of a secretly controlling boyfriend]

5 reasons why loving someone too much kills the love

Loving someone is wanting the best for them, even if it means you are not getting what you want. Here are five big reasons why too much smothering will push your new love away.

1. No one wants to lose their freedom

Wing clipping is the act of trimming a bird’s flight feathers so that it is no longer able to fly. Do not do this to the person you love. When you clip their wings, you are forcing them to be tethered to you. By smothering them with too much affection, you are taking away their freedom. This means that they are unable to make decisions without having you burning holes into the back of their head.

By smothering your partner, you are completely disregarding what they want for themselves. You have to give your loved one the chance to be free, even after you are married. This does not mean turning a blind eye to extramarital affairs. It simply means letting them make decisions without the fear of having you come down hard on them. [Read: 20 glaring signs of a control freak!]

Do not place the person you love in a gilded cage because no matter how wonderful it is, it is an inescapable prison that no person should have to live in. Never clip your new love’s wings as nothing good will come out of it. Let them have their freedom and if you are really meant to be, you will be together no matter what.

2. Stunt the relationship’s growth

Smothering someone will stunt, not just the relationship’s growth, but your partner’s growth as well. This is true when it comes to dating someone new, especially if both of you are young. You must give yourself and your partner the chance to be two separate individuals. You have to also give the other person sufficient time and space to accept you into their lives, no matter how much you love each other.

Loving someone means respecting their needs and desires and not forcing your way of life onto another person. Unless your partner is ready to fully accept you into his or her life and change their habits to make room for yours, you cannot break down the door and invite yourself in. 

Respect your partner’s individuality and do not stunt his or her growth. You have to respect your partner’s wishes and desires and let the relationship healthily grow on its own.

If you smother your new love with something they did not ask for, you will undoubtedly come off as needy and greedy and you can bet your bottom dollar that you will be single again in no time at all.

Building the perfect relationship takes time and you have to remember that if you rush things and try to take control of your partner, you will never get the relationship you crave, as it will forever be stunted. [Read: 16 reasons why you’re so easily taken for granted by your lover]

3. Stifles their independence 

You will not give your significant other the important chance to be who they are if you smother them with too much attention. Decisions that they make have to involve you, whether they want to or not. From showering, to eating or a career, your partner can’t be independent. So you have to stop being in their face constantly.

The last thing that you want to do is to oppress the person you love. You have to give them the independence that every human being needs to make their own decisions and grow into the person they were meant to be.

If you try to limit your new love’s ability to make choices, it is only a matter of time before they start realizing that their entire life is a prison and they will do all that they can to break free. [Confession: I’m a boyfriend who’s too needy and clingy!]

There is nothing wrong with sharing your time with someone else and being a part of a life-changing decision-making process. However, you should not force yourself onto your new love. Instead, give them the chance to invite you in. Do not stifle your new love’s independence as they will go running for the hills.

4. Familiarity breeds contempt

Familiarity breeds contempt, and as many couples will tell you, boredom as well. Everyone needs their space. Even old married couples appreciate spending some time away from each other. Absence certainly makes the heart grow fonder as it gives your partner the chance to miss you. [Read: Does absence make the heart grow fonder or wander?]

Most of the time, people tend to appreciate what they have when they are away from it. Relationships are no different. You might smother your loved one with too much attention and neglect. Instead of doing this, you need to give them the much-needed space and time apart from you. If you don’t, you will inevitably invite contempt and a sense of boredom. 

This does not mean that long-term romances are boring. It simply means that the two parties have figured out how to balance peaceful space and love without smothering each other.

If you are with someone new, you will do well to remember that being in a relationship is a delicate balancing act that takes time and effort to master. Give your new love some space. Let him have his boys’ night out or her night out with the girls, without the need to come down hard on your partner. 

Remember that familiarity breeds contempt, so always give each other space and time for friends and hobbies outside of the relationship. [Read: 25 must-follow relationship rules for successful love]

5. It displays desperation

When you smother a new person, you will undoubtedly come off as being needy and desperate, even if you are not. Always remember that no one wants to be in a relationship with someone who cannot stand on their own two feet. You have to take it upon yourself to be independent. This will prove to not just your new love, but to yourself that you can cope with the responsibility of being in an adult relationship. [Read: 13 clingy girlfriend signs and ways to avoid being one]

Love demands trust. If you cannot give your partner space without having to play 20 questions, you are displaying signs of being insecure. Not just that, your new love will think that you are not able to deal with being alone and that you are terrified of losing them.

No one wants to be with someone who comes off as being crazy and needy, so be careful not to smother your partner as it comes off as looking desperate, a totally unattractive quality to have in a mate.

Why is it wrong to love someone too much? 

Love is always a beautiful thing. However, just as with anything in life, emotions can be harmful if they are excessive. It’s just like any kind of excess – food, smoking, drinking, shopping, gambling…you name it. [Read: How to stop loving someone else and love yourself more]

It’s not easy to define what is considered “excessive love.” This implies that some damage has been done to one or both of the people. Intense love blinds people. And this makes them act in an inappropriate way, people may say that the love is too much.

Some people who love too much say things like “I couldn’t help myself! I’m madly in love!” Talking like this indicates that the love might be excessive.

When someone loves too much, the intensity might prevent them from seeing the true nature of the relationship. For example, it could make them blind to the red flags that they should see and act upon – like abuse. [Read: For better or for worse – when you should stop loving them]

When someone loves too much, they might believe that the object of their affection doesn’t love them as much as they do. When they feel that they give more than they get, then they will feel like they love too much. Love shouldn’t be a mathematical calculation of give and take. But when there is a lack of reciprocity, then it can be harmful.

People who have excessive love feel like it’s natural to feel that they love too much. They keep investing in a relationship that might not have any chance of surviving because their partner doesn’t feel the same way.

Loving too much might also hurt the one who is loved. For example, if the be one with the excessive love doesn’t allow the other one to have any independence or privacy.

[Read: The complete guide to loving someone without smothering them]

You love your partner and enjoy being around them all the time. But remember that loving them too much and smothering them will only cripple them. And along the way, you’ll end up crippling yourself too.

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Gemma Hsieh
Born in Singapore and raised in Canada to multi-racial parents, Gemma is a self-proclaimed travel and food junkie. Having traveled extensively around the world,...
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