You meet someone new and everything is great, apart from what goes on inside the bedroom. Is sexual incompatibility really that common?
When you start a new relationship, you’re in that wonderful, loved up honeymoon phase. Everything feels dreamy, you’re floating on air, and you can’t quite believe your luck. Well, that’s how it’s supposed to be unless you’re dealing with sexual incompatibility.
So, what happens when that floaty, dreamy feeling starts to fade because things just aren’t gelling in the bedroom?
Sexual incompatibility happens, people. It’s far more common than you might think.
We assume that when we meet someone and are attracted to them, it’s going to be plain sailing. Horizontal bedroom dancing ensues, and you can’t keep your hands off each other.
So, what do you do when it’s not that way? What do you do when you can’t seem to communicate your sexual needs to your partner, or you don’t feel like you’re on the same page when it comes to fun times between the sheets?
7 main signs of sexual incompatibility between couples
Sexual incompatibility can be a really upsetting thing to experience, because it’s confusing. If you’ve never experienced it before, you might not understand why things are not going the way you feel they should, or why you feel uncomfortable. [Read: Some of the most awful and hilarious sexual encounters]
Understanding that there is nothing wrong with you and nothing wrong with your partner is vital. It’s simply a challenge that you need to overcome together. It can be done!
To figure out whether sexual incompatibility might be a real thing in your relationship, check out these seven signs to look out for.
#1 You value sex but your partner doesn’t, or vice versa. Sex just isn’t an important part of some people’s lives. For others, it’s a hugely important issue. If you’re someone who is very sexually charged and your partner isn’t, you could find that you have incompatibility issues.
It could also work the other way around. Perhaps you’re passive when it comes to sex, but your partner is the opposite. In that case, you might feel pressure or lacking in some way.
There is no right or wrong when it comes to how much sex you should have. Everyone has their own preferences and it’s important to compromise and find a piece of middle ground which suits you both. [Read: Identifying with grey asexuality in a world of sex]
The best way to get around this particular sexual incompatibility issue, and probably the biggest of them all, is open communication. Talk about it, explain how you feel, and listen to the other person, taking their views seriously too.
Between you, you should be able to come to a compromise which you can build on. It’s also important to realize that sex drive fluctuates throughout the course of life too. Maybe it’s not something which is going to be long-term, but may be causing you issues in the here and now. [Read: 30 naughty questions that can help bring the sizzle back slowly]
#2 You don’t like the sexual activities which your partner wants to try. Nobody should ever feel pressured into trying something they don’t want to do. It’s also important to listen to your partner’s desires and come to a conclusion on whether you feel comfortable with it or not.
Everyone has different tastes. You may love mint ice cream but your partner prefers lemon, we all like different things, and it’s the same in the bedroom.
Examine why you don’t feel interested in the things which your partner wants to try. See if you can try and change things a little to come to a suitable piece of middle ground for the two of you. For instance, if your partner wants to try a threesome but you’re dead against it, why not suggest role play, such as pretending to be strangers? In that case, you’re both getting a little of what you want. [Read: Hot sex ideas to blow your lover’s mind in bed]
#3 Either you or your partner finds sex to be awkward and embarrassing. Not everyone finds sex arousing, some people find it downright icky. If that’s you or your partner, figure out why you feel that way. Sex is a basic human need. Something which we all have the right to enjoy, but it’s also a special way for two people who love each other to connect on a deep level.
If you feel embarrassed or awkward when you watch a sex scene in a movie, or you just can’t communicate with your partner about the subject, take baby steps. Explain to your partner that you feel this way ,and with their support, you can try and knock down your barriers. This will allow you to slowly develop more confidence in your own sexuality. Baby steps are the way forward!
#4 You love your partner but you just don’t find them sexually attractive anymore. Everyone goes through changes. If you find your partner’s body less than desirable these days, it might be causing you to develop a certain type of sexual incompatibility.
Of course, it’s vital to understand that the way someone looks isn’t important. It’s what is inside that matters, but for some people the outer is a huge part of sex. If that’s the case for you, examine why your feelings have changed. Do you need to try and adjust your viewpoint a little?
#5 You fantasize about someone else during sex. It’s perfectly normal to picture another person in your mind during the deed on occasion. This can be a celebrity or it might even be an ex *shock! horror!* In that case, the odd time isn’t a problem. We’re all human after all. If you find that you need to picture someone else every single time you’re with your partner sexually, you need to examine why that is.
Look for something you might not be seeing in your partner or suggest spicing up your bedroom routine a little. In many cases, this isn’t necessarily a sign of outright sexual incompatibility, but more of a sign that your sex life needs a little TLC and extra fire. [Read: How to fantasize about someone else without feeling guilty]
#6 You go along with things in bed you’re not really into. If you’re regularly putting up with something which doesn’t do much for you, why is that? Do you feel the need to please your partner? Do you feel like if you say ‘no’ to something, they’re going to be angry? If that’s the case, you need to have a serious conversation with yourself.
Nobody should try things in bed that they’re not comfortable with. And you definitely shouldn’t do something you feel uneasy with just to please another person. If you’re already in this routine, change things up a little by suggesting something you want to try. Steer the attention away from the thing you don’t like. If it persists, it’s time for a conversation. [Read: 20 sexual problems in your relationship that can be easily avoided]
#7 You never reach orgasm with your partner. Some people never come. It has nothing to do with their partner. If you’ve never reached the big O in the past, perhaps it’s something you need to work on yourself, e.g. it’s time to get a little handy and figure out what you want. If you never had problems before but your current partner just isn’t helping you to get there, it’s time to shake things up. Suggest some new positions and new things like role play.
It could be that you’ve fallen into a pattern of going along with the same things to fulfill your partner’s needs and ignoring yours.