Does he always leave you high and dry? When your partner’s being selfish, you need to muster up the courage to confront him about it! By Minot Pettinato-Little
So you’ve met the cutest, funniest, most charming man you’ve met in a while and your fabulous “outside-the-bedroom” chemistry has you convinced he’s going to be great in bed. You’re finally gearing up for the big night: that fabulous first time sexual experience where you can really see what he’s made of.
Turns out what he’s made of… is about two minutes tops of no-O sex.
Isn’t it the cute ones who let you down the most?
Or maybe you’ve been with the guy for years now and, while caring outside the bedroom, he turns into the selfish penis monster under the sheets. You know the guy, the one who rushes for his own climax before ever giving consideration to yours? [Read: 9 signs you need to improve your sex life]
So what do you do with a selfish lover?
There’s no reason for you to just endure the whole ordeal of jackhammer sex. There are ways for you to change how he acts in the bedroom so both of you can have fun!
#1 Talk it out. First things first, you’re going to want to talk it out. This should be brought up gently, without yelling. Even if you feel like wringing his neck for the lack of satisfaction he’s been showing you in the bedroom – the subject of underwhelming sex should always be brought up delicately, as to avoid bruising any egos. [Read: 14 tips to get your partner to open up about sex]
Remember that men don’t want to do badly in the sack, and any man worth his weight is going to be concerned if you’re not coming. Help him help you by getting it all out in the open. Tell your man that you love him, that you love his body and the way he feels inside you, but that you’re having trouble orgasming during intercourse. If that’s too upfront for you, try…
#2 Sex isn’t over just because he’s done. If you are having trouble with your selfish partner, try having him use his hand, or mouth on you. To completion, ladies! Don’t let him off the hook before intercourse. This way you’ll have had your cake, and he’ll have eaten you too.
#3 Use toys. If you’re too uncomfortable flat out telling your man that he can’t make you come, then you may try the more passive aggressive statement of adding toys into the bedroom. Many women rave about the sex-saving qualities of their vibrator, some even claim it only takes mere minutes for their battery-operated-boyfriend to bring them to climax.
If he’s not intimidated by such things then he’ll probably view this as you just trying to spice things up, instead of trying to readjust where he’s going wrong in the sack. Have him use it on you during intercourse and make sure you’re extra vocal about how amazing it feels. When he sees how much more enthusiastic you are during sex with a vibrator, he may start to get the hint.
#4 NEVER fake it. This is the worst thing you can do in this situation. No matter how much it may seem like it, men are not striving to be bad in the sack – and he won’t know he’s doing anything wrong if you’re over there faking up a storm.
It’s acknowledged that sometimes women simply fake it to avoid hurt feelings or to get the act over with. However, those who truly fake an orgasm on every occasion should take part of the blame for this one. Men can’t accept that they’ve taken a sexual misstep if you keep acting like what they’re doing is the best thing since sliced bread. Stop perpetuating the issue with your fake moans and groans.
In fact, if you’ve been a regular contributor to the “fake orgasms” club, this may make it even easier for you to open up the topic of conversation. For example, if one night you don’t achieve, he might ask if you’re okay. Instead of blurting out “I’ve been faking it this whole time, but tonight I decided not to!” try saying that you couldn’t get there during intercourse, or joke that it went a little too fast for you.
In your sexiest tone or cutest pout, suggest that he bring his amazing hands down there and help finish you off. This will let him know for future reference that just because he’s finished, doesn’t mean the job is done. [Read: 22 reasons why women fake it]
#5 A taste of his own medicine. If you’re feeling particularly frustrated and spiteful, then you may just want to give him a taste of his own medicine. One night, have him go down on you for however long it takes until you’ve been completely satisfied and then declare your night’s tryst over. Say you’re tired and just don’t have the energy for anything more.
While this is juvenile and will probably lead to a fight, at least you A: got to orgasm and B: you will get to ask him how it feels not to have his partner consider his sexual feelings for once. [Read: How to make him go down on you without a push]
#6 Ways he can slow down and please you. If your partner does try his best with all the right moves, but simply can’t seem to last long enough for your needs then you’ll have to bring this up with him. Discuss options for him, such as Viagra or royal jelly, to help him last a little longer.
If he is accustomed to never wearing condoms, try having him slip the rubbers back on during intercourse. This should help numb his penis and make him last a little longer.
Or it may be that he simply masturbates too quickly, and emulates the same speed when he’s with you. Tell him the next time he comes close to orgasm during masturbation to stop, slow down, and then gear back up in a minute or so. This is called edging. So long as he keeps stopping, slowing down, and repeating up until just before orgasm he’ll soon be able to train his body to last longer and repeat the same concept during sex. According to some guys, this even makes their orgasm more explosive! [Read: How he can last longer without any difficulty]
Why you shouldn’t have to put up with a selfish lover
Women have extremely differing views when it comes to orgasming and relationships. Some believe that it’s okay not to, so long as their partner is loving and provides emotionally for them in other ways. These are usually the girls that masturbate as soon as he goes to work in the morning, obviously. Others also say if he can’t get the job done, then sayonara.
So why is your lack of achievement such a terrible thing in your relationship if your partner, in all other respects, is a loving mate who completely satisfies you in all other ways in life?
#1 Sex just isn’t fun. A small feat that most men will never know, is that sex can be quite tantalizing even without an orgasm. You feel connected to your partner, you get the comfort of having someone close to your body, and face it: sometimes it’s just amazing to be screwed hard and overpowered by your lover. But let’s be real, it’s just not that fun when you aren’t having an orgasm. You don’t get that big-bang payoff for all the work you’ve just done. Sex without orgasm really isn’t for everyone.
#2 There’s no release. Not only does having an orgasm release that scandalous oxytocin, but it also aides in stress release, temporary relief from headaches, menstrual cramps, and raises DHEA hormone levels, which improve brain functions and other good stuff within the body. It’s all around a great release. And by not getting this, not only does it tend to make us wake up on the grumpy side of the bed, it also makes us wake up on the bitter, frustrated, sexually-pent-up side of the bed.
Not a great place to be.
#3 Resentment. The lack of orgasms and the lack of care your man is using to make sure you’re well taken care of can make you feel like you’re his glorified sex doll – only there for his enjoyment. While you love turning him on and making him feel good, shouldn’t that go both ways? Your man’s lack of love in the sack can turn into major resentment on your end. [Read: Is he into you for all the wrong reasons?]
Admit it, your man’s inability to get you off and his soul-mission to make himself achieve can be frustrating, annoying, rude and…
Well… just plain selfish. It’s selfish of your boyfriend to assume that sex is all about his needs.
You don’t live in a porno. He doesn’t just through it in, bang-bang-bang, and then everyone’s done. At least porn-stars get paid for their bad sex. You? You’re just getting frustrated! So don’t keep your mouth closed. Instead, curb your man’s bad sex behavior and transform him into a giving gentleman.