When you’re with someone for a longer period of time, the sexual energy between you and your partner fades a bit. Many of us think it’s normal, stop wondering how to be a better lover, and just assume that’s what every relationship turns into.
But it doesn’t have to be like that. You remember Sting, right? He and his wife still get it on 3-4 times a week, and he’s a senior citizen!
So, what’s your excuse? The thing is, keeping the flame alive takes work. You thought having sex was going to be easy – ha! Roll those sleeves up, people. You’ll need to get creative.
Well, this is a difficult question to answer because everyone is different. Some people like having sex for hours or multiple times a day. Whereas other people like to have quickies, or have a low libido.
But with that said, there are some common general characteristics that make someone a good lover. So, let’s take a look at some of them. [Read: How to dress for sex]
Sex and intimacy should feel good for both partners. It’s a two-way street, and a good lover knows that. They aren’t in it just for their own sexual pleasure.
They realize that their partner also needs to feel good, so they also give pleasure. They are selfless and don’t just take from their lover.
Now, this is a subjective quality of a good lover. If one person wants to have sex twice a day and the other one twice a year, then they’ll both think that the other one is a bad lover. So, both people need to be in sync on how often they want to have sex.
Similar to having a matched libido, both people should have matched sexual tastes. If one person is very vanilla and only likes the missionary position, but the other one prefers kink or BDSM, then that is not a good match.
Again, both will think that the other one is a bad lover. So, you need to be on the same page with your tastes and preferences; this will surely improve your sexual connection. [Read: Vanilla sex – what it is, 12 hot ways to go from boring to OMFG in bed]
Since a good lover is selfless and gives pleasure to their partner, that also means that they are willing to take direction. They actively listen to their partner’s desires and pay attention to their body language during sex.
Because of this, they will also ask their partner what feels good and what doesn’t. Then, they try to do what their partner likes.
In order to know what your partner likes, you also need to talk. Sure, you can try to read your partner’s body language all you want, but you might misinterpret it. So, you need to be clear with your communication and ask your partner about their sexual desires.
If this isn’t your strength, certified sex therapists can encourage couples to take baby steps in expressing their thoughts and feelings, as that will help couples improve their relationship. Remember, communication is everything.
You’ve probably heard the term “dead fish”, as in “she just laid there like a dead fish.” In other words, a partner who isn’t passionate at all.
A good lover shows passion and desire for their partner. They make them feel sexy and desired – before, during, and even after sex. [Read: Passionate lovemaking – 23 secrets and ways to make sex lustful and steamy]
Not everyone is confident about their body or their skills as a lover. But we want our lovers to appear confident.
Why? Because confidence is sexy. If someone acts insecure about how they look, it’s not as attractive. So, a good lover just embraces their body and acts like they are a good lover.
Get your notepad out… you’ll need to take notes. Even if you think you’re a pretty good lover, there is always room for improvement. So, here’s how to be better and better and blow their mind.
Interestingly enough, people like having sex with clean people. Strange, huh? Who would have thought? Now, it’s not like you’re dirty, but perhaps you can ignite the flame just by giving the old bush a trim or using coconut moisturiser instead of your five-year-old jar of vaseline.
Have you seen someone when they’ve just come out of the shower? They look so fresh and new. [Read: Pretty pussy essentials – how to make it purr with delight]
Nothing is worse than not feeling like you can explore new things with your partner because you’re scared of being judged. Perhaps you want to try something new like bringing some whipped cream into the bedroom, but you’re scared your partner would judge you.
Having better sex means trusting your partner and feeling safe sharing your feelings and thoughts.
If you don’t feel this… Well, find someone new.
Maybe you do have a decent sex life with your partner. However, you’re missing some key communication points. Maybe your partner hates it when you lick their nipples, but you always do it anyway. [Read: How to talk about sex with your partner without sounding like a pervert]
But, if they don’t tell you, then you don’t know. So, to know how to be a better lover, you two have to be highly communicative about what feels good and what doesn’t. Tell your partner what you want and don’t assume that they can read your mind.
You need to switch it up. If you only like having sex in missionary, it’s going to be a long ten years. So, try out new sex positions other than what you’re used to.
You don’t have to go all Kama Sutra, but you can try out something new and see what works for you and your partner. Add another position to your repertoire. [Read: Middle of the night sex – how to enjoy it, tips and tricks, and when to avoid it]
People always want it fast and hard. But when you go slowly, it throws people off and gets them even more excited. So, don’t rush it and just enjoy the intimacy unless you have somewhere to go.
Put on some slow 80s tunes or Drake… they both do the trick. Although Drake may get you thinking about your ex, so be careful! [Read: Slow sex – 13 steamy reasons why it’s the best sex ever]
Don’t feel pressure to try to be a better lover. For instance, a lot of women don’t know how to do the cowgirl position. So, you shouldn’t put pressure on yourself. Instead, just practice and you’ll get better.
Know how to give a blowjob, how to eat a girl out, how to give head, how to French kiss – you know, the basics. Mastering these is a great place to begin with.
When you have a strong foundation, you’ll be able to build on top of it, then you’ll know how to be a better lover. [Read: 9 sexiest foreplay tips you can ever use in bed]
Everyone can get self-conscious when having sex with someone. They’re worried about the face they’re making or their jiggly thighs – it’s normal. But you have to get yourself out of your head.
The other person isn’t thinking about the rolls under your arms or how loud you moan. You make them horny, and they don’t care about anything else.
If you want to be a better lover, you need to make time to make love to your partner. If you’re always working, you’re probably tired. But you’re ignoring a fundamental part of your relationship – intimacy. It’s crucial. So, make sure you make the time to dedicate yourself and your partner.
Who wouldn’t love it if their partner showed up at their work for a quickie? Or if they’re driving, and all of a sudden they get a blowjob or fingered because you can’t wait to get home? [Read: Surprise sex – shock and awe your partner with these naughty moves]
You don’t have to surprise them with an expensive vacation, you can have a lot of fun by doing something in the moment… wherever you are.
Use toys – this isn’t the 1950s anymore. Missionary is not the only position you’re allowed to do. Try vibrators, dildos, anal beads, butt plugs – whatever it is that turns you two on.
Go together to the store or shop online and pick something that you both think would be fun to try. Is there a chance you’re not going to like it? Yes. Will you have a good laugh? Absolutely.
One of the most common tips that you can get is to try role-playing. It’s fun, and who knows, maybe you’ll uncover your hidden talent for acting! Point is, role-playing is a fun way of bringing other people into the bedroom, without actually bringing in new people. [Read: The sexual role play guide for beginners]
You can be whoever you want and have fun with it.
People always forget foreplay, and we cannot overemphasize its importance. You need foreplay.
If you’re just going straight to penetration, that’s boring. If you want to know how to be a better lover, focus on foreplay.
Relax and get to know your partner’s body. Explore them! Plus, by following these points, you’ll be discovering new things about your partner along the way. [Read: How to foreplay – the key to having the best sex of your life]
Take care of yourself. You probably didn’t even think of this when you were wondering how to be a better lover, but it’s pretty important.
By exercising, you can help prevent issues like vaginal dryness and erectile dysfunction. Also, if you’re working your cardiovascular system, that will help with your endurance in bed.
No one wants to have 5-minute sex every night. So, if you’re already out of breath after 2 minutes, hit the gym. Your partner will thank you.
Don’t be closed-minded. Unless it’s something that makes you feel unsafe. You should be open-minded and willing to try out different things with your partner.
That way, you see what works for you and what doesn’t. Just make sure to communicate with your partner. [Read: 20 new things to try in bed with your lover at least once]
Sex isn’t something super serious – it’s not a job interview. To be a better lover, you want to be able to relax and have a laugh if you accidentally fart or elbow your partner in the stomach. Sometimes, we can become overwhelmed by emotional reactions triggered by our thoughts and lack of corrective actions, so we forget to relax.
If you can’t laugh with your partner, you won’t be relaxed or comfortable, so the sex will not be great. [Read: 20 hot sex ideas to blow your lover’s mind in bed]
There’s nothing sexier than those lust-laden gasps and low whispers you hear while talking to each other in bed. Making noise also lets your partner know that they’re doing something you enjoy.
Sometimes, the heavy weight of silence can be a turn off too. So learn to listen to each other’s breathing and words while making love. It’ll enhance the pleasure for both of you. [Read: How to sound sexy in bed]
Having sex on the bed is relaxing, comfortable, and perfect. But whenever you feel like it, take it around the house. While a kitchen counter or a bathroom may feel sexy at the beginning, it may not always seem like such a fun idea after being together for a while.
So one of the best ways keep the changes easy to handle is to create unique ways to keep the excitement alive. [Read: Sexy places to have sex]
Play sex games or watch porn in the living room and have sex on the couch. Pull the curtains aside just a bit and have sex by the window.
Try new things, but instead of worrying about bringing the fun back into something you’ve been doing for ages, bring an exciting new twist to the same thing. [Read: Public flashing confessions]
Sex becomes repetitive as time goes by, and this can be felt by both partners.
Moving away from the bed is a great start to reawakening the lusty desire in you, but can you take it further? Of course, you can. Always look for innovative ways to excite your mind and make sex feel a lot sexier.
There are a lot of acts you can indulge in that can create sexual memories that can last a lifetime. Even talking about it while having sex can make you feel oh-so-horny! Read about the different types of sex on this list here.
You don’t always have to have elaborate sex just to have great sex. Sometimes, just forcing yourself to make the whole act of sex last forever can be a turn-off.
If you ever do hit a wall or find that you feel like sex is more hard work and less fun, learn to deal with the slump by innovating.
Every now and then, just indulge in a quickie even if you have all the time in the world. When sex starts to last for less than a few minutes, it’ll invariably make you start craving for longer sex all over again.
You can also try changing the time when you do it. For instance, you can try having sex in the morning if you usually do it at night. [Read: What men want in bed]
Having quick sex may seem hasty and selfish, but over the course of a few days, it’ll make both of you want more and that can help bring back the great sex into the bedroom.
If you want to know how to have great sex all the time, then focus on your partner’s pleasure just as much as you focus on yours. Don’t finish yourself up or orgasm without letting your partner know that you’re on the verge of reaching for the sky.
Communicate and always let each other know how long you intend it to last. It’ll help prepare both of you for a great ending. [Read: How to seduce a man who’s not yours]
Always remember to think of your partner’s orgasm before yours. To enjoy great sex, you have to realize that the satisfaction of both partners is more important than anything else. Communicate in bed and orgasm together if you can. There’s no better sex than great sex that ends together.
You may wonder if going out has anything to do with great sex. But it really does. When you spend all the time cooped up at home, sex doesn’t really excite you as much.
The foreplay may last a few minutes, and then you get to making love. The sex may be good, but to make it a lot more exciting, you need to do something more about it. Keeping the thrill makes the relationship healthy and stable. [Read: Cute date ideas – 15 really sweet date ideas to try with your boo]
The next weekend when you’ve got a bit of time on your hands, go clubbing with your partner. Everyone knows that a club reeks of sex and lust, and yet, no one’s even having sex there.
There are a lot of body parts grazing against each other, a lot of staring, and careless touching. When you spend time in a place like this, you can’t help but feel sexually excited.
Here, every single thing you do with your own lover will only excite you further and make you horny. You could do the same thing at home but being surrounded by a frenzy of lust does create the right vibes for a lot of sexual excitement. [Read: Dirty talking in bed]
When you eventually do get back home, you’re going to bring the same excitement back into bed.
Great sex is all in the mind, but as the long-term relationship grows older, the mind looks for creative ways to bring back the excitement.
Always look for ways to bring the sexual tension of the first touch back into bed, and you’ll be able to experience a wild night of passion every time. [Read: 10 Reasons you should have great sex every single day]
You’ve read the tips on how to be a better lover to your partner, now we’ll get to understanding how to have great sex all the time.
Sometimes it’s easy to get lost in your own physical pleasure, but don’t forget to check in with your partner too.
As we said, sex is a two-way street, so it’s not just all about you. Make sure your partner is enjoying themselves too. The only way to do that is to continually check in with them.
Everyone likes to know that they are appreciated. And being sexually appreciated is no different. So, if your lover does something that feels particularly good, thank them. [Read: How to show your appreciation to someone and express your gratitude]
And you can’t forget how you act outside the bedroom too. If you’re a jerk, your partner may not be in the mood to have sex because they’ll be caught up in your selfless behavior. Emotional connection is more important than just mastering the best sexual techniques when it comes to partners or married couples.
Sex doesn’t always go the way we want it to. Body parts make noises, and positions don’t work out sometimes. But don’t be uptight about it because it happens to everyone. Just embrace it and laugh about it together. There’s no need to be so serious if things don’t work out perfectly.
If your sexual sessions go on for a long time, sometimes it’s difficult to stay mindful at all times. But try to not feel disconnected, and focus on the moment.
If you want to be a better lover in the bedroom, don’t let your mind wander to other things. Also, make sure you look at your partner and gauge how they’re feeling by reading their body language. [Read: How to live in the moment – 24 positive ways to live in the now]
Sure, orgasms are awesome. It’s the best feeling in the world, so it’s not surprising that you focus on that as the end goal.
We are made to believe that sex means orgasming but when it comes to sex, it is so much more than orgasms. After all, the orgasm only lasts a few seconds. The whole sexual experience goes on a lot longer than that, so focus on the bigger picture.
Most people lack self-esteem and self-confidence in general. And that feeling can translate over into the bedroom too.
As a result, sometimes people feel embarrassed about how their body looks or what they’re doing *or not doing* in bed. Stop feeling that way. Your partner wants to have sex with you, otherwise, they wouldn’t be here.
Some people like to cuddle and talk after sex. Others like to get up immediately and go do something else. Ask what your partner wants to do.
Even if it’s different than what you would enjoy, try to compromise and think about their needs too – not just your own. [Read: 19 Signs of a taker in a relationship – are you a taker or a giver?]
You might think that being a better lover only includes what happens during the sex act. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth. You have to be a good lover and partner outside of the bedroom too. Here are some things you need to do.
Regardless of how long you have been together, you can always be open to trying new things and making new memories.
At the beginning of a new relationship *known as the honeymoon phase*, it’s easy to do that, because everything is new and fresh so it comes naturally. But you should always explore new ways to reignite that passion with your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together.
Life is full of routine, and sex is not immune to that either. People get into a rut sometimes, so change up the scenery to level up your romantic encounters.
Take a romantic vacation, shower together, take a dance class or do something else that will make things more romantic and special between the two of you. Focus on the best experiences and be open to trying new things together. [Read: Best places to have sex – 41 wild and naughty ideas beyond the bed]
Part of what is exciting when a relationship is new is the flirting that happens between two people. It can even happen before you start dating, which is also exhilarating too.
So, don’t forget to spice things up by flirting with your partner. Let them know how sexy you think they are and how much you desire them.
You might think you know your partner inside and out, but there is always something new to learn about them. Start a deep conversation about that or anything else that you find interesting.
It could be about whether or not aliens exist or the current state of the world. Talking to your partner outside the bedroom is crucial, and helps you have a good idea of what your relationship looks like.
Even when you’re out of the bedroom, there are a lot of physical things you can do to truly connect with a partner.
Spank them on their butt, or hold their hand. Cuddle on the couch. Hug them a lot.
Use touch to cultivate a stronger physical connection even before you think about having sex. [Read: Types of touches – the 36 physical touches we use and what they mean]
Too many people think that once they are in a long term relationship they don’t have to “try” anymore. They may put less effort into the relationship, and think they can just sit back and coast.
But you can’t be complacent and lazy in your love life. That can undermine attraction and a partner’s overall desire. Put in the effort and make your relationships thrive. Nobody thinks that laziness is an attractive quality, and one cannot be a good lover if they don’t put in the effort to reach their partner on an emotional level.
In order to be a good lover, you have to respect and love yourself first. And that means you might have to do some work on yourself.
Get in shape, start eating right, and go to the gym. Start reading books instead of playing video games. This also means that you can’t just wear a ragged old t-shirt if you’re going out on a date with the man or woman in your life. Instead, become the best version of yourself – not only for your lover but for yourself too.
In order to have really being good at sex, you also need to get the negativity out of your mind and your relationship. Too many people are not Little Miss/Mr. Sunshine, but you need to be more positive in order to be a good lover.
Cut these things out of your life, and your love life will improve. [Read: Positive self-talk – what it is, where it comes from, and how to master it]
Too many people go around feeling angry. They are angry at the world, their boss, strangers, their partner, and even themselves. But anger isn’t sexy.
It’s the opposite of sexy. If you’re angry at your partner, then it’s not time to have sex. Wait until you work out your problems before you get into the bedroom.
Malice and anger go hand-in-hand. So, just as you want to get rid of anger as much as possible, you also need to not even think about bringing malice into your relationship.
Don’t try to get revenge on your partner for anything. That will not only destroy your sexual relationship, but it will also lead to a downward spiral of negative thoughts and actions that will create a void between you.
While some people think it’s hot and sexy to talk filthy or slander their partner during sex, most people don’t like it. It’s degrading and abusive. So, just don’t do it.
That is, unless you are both deep into the BDSM world and you like the humiliation. But most people aren’t like that, so just leave it out of the bedroom and your whole relationship.
[Read: How to fantasize in bed]
If you want to know the ways to be a better lover, you don’t have to memorize the Kama Sutra. You just have to be willing to put in the effort and try new things. It can all start with this list!
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