Unfortunately, sexual escapades don’t pan out perfectly like they do in movies. No, if this were the movies, your partner would take you by the waist, lay you down, and make sweet love that would last hours, kissing you passionately the whole time. Did we mention you’d have the perfect orgasm every single time?
Reality bites. Instead of the romance depicted above, your real sex life probably plays out more like this: eat dinner, watch TV, do a little hanky-panky between the sheets, go to bed 15-minutes later. Not exactly a romance novel, but it works. Unfortunately, there are those little awkward parts of life that can make even the simplest sex acts seem absolutely horrifying.
The unsexy parts of sex
You want examples? We’ve got them. For your cringe-worthy pleasure, here are 10 awkward things that happen in real-life sex.
#1 Farting noises. Attractive, right? Like we said, movie-sex isn’t real. So instead of your glistening, sweaty bodies moving together in perfect harmony on your way to orgasmic bliss, you get side-by-side sex where your sweaty bodies have suctioned together and began making farting noises between your back and his stomach. There are three choices in this scenario:
A: Awkwardly pretend it isn’t happening and try to come
B: Laugh and readjust or…
C: Give up and change positions entirely
#2 Actually farting. This one makes you cringe, doesn’t it? For those who haven’t hit that level of comfort with their fart-ner, and for those who hope they never do, this is one of the most mortifying things you can experience.
Ever started your day with passionate morning sex where your partner wants you to get on top, but your bellies are about ready to burst? Yep, it’s horrible. I once heard a story from a friend where she and her boyfriend were 69’ing and while he was doing his thing, she farted right in his face. As I recall, she never saw him again. [Read: Strangely enough, letting one rip can actually help build intimacy]
#3 He loses his erection. Let’s set the scene: He’s got you bent over in doggy style, grinding right up to you and hitting your g-spot with shallow thrusts, you’re feeling good, you’re almost there when… is he still in you? You turn your head with a breathy pout and he’s kneeling there behind you looking embarrassed. He lost his boner.
Honestly, whichever partner you are in this situation, it really sucks, but it happens. Some men have performance anxiety, or some simply put off coming for too long in order to make sure you get there. Whatever the case, losing an erection during sex is definitely a turn-off. [Read: 13 ways to overcome sexual anxiety and perform]
#4 Ruined Orgasms. Much like losing an erection, getting tired can take the fun right out of sex, especially if you or your partner were in the middle of coming. Whether you’re the man pumping away, or you’re the girl on top grinding to her heart’s content, sometimes sex can be exhausting.
Bend my legs up above my head and pound into me after a long day at the gym, running errands, and working? No, thank you. This can become increasingly awful if you, in a tired-stupor, stop suddenly and ruin your partner’s orgasm. Whoops!
#5 Orgasm is taking too long. Both sexes can struggle with an O that takes a while to appear. For men, the idea of going down on his girl for 30-minutes, or lasting for an extended period of time during intercourse may seem more like a chore than a fun evening in.
The same goes for women who end up getting a sore wrist, lock-jaw or a raw vagina while waiting out her man’s orgasm. While frustrating and a little embarrassing, just remember the brownie points forthcoming, once your partner gets off.
#6 You get your period. Those in mature relationships usually don’t mind a little bit of action during period-week, especially since so many women find heightened arousal during this time. That’s what towels and condoms were invented for.
Even women who are regulated by birth control pills can still have the occasional accident when engaging in intimacies. Trust us, there’s nothing worse than being with someone new and having his face, or penis come up red after your tryst between the sheets. Horrifying. [Read: How to have sex on your period]
#7 Your partner wants to dirty talk. Some would welcome the addition of dirty talk into the bedroom, while others would list it as an awkward invitation best avoided. Nothing takes you out of the mood quite like being asked to recite a porn-script. There are only so many dirty phrases you can say to someone before things start getting repetitive. [Read: 23 ways to make dirty talk really sexy]
#8 He finishes too soon. Women understand that their bodies, moans, and movements can be an incredible turn-on during sex. We’re totally flattered that you find us so hot that you just couldn’t hold back any longer, but if you come before we do and assume the fun is over, then you may find we’re not so forgiving.
For those in a new relationship, it can be totally awkward to experience this, especially for the guy. Remember, he doesn’t want to leave you unsatisfied. So if this happens to you, simply take his hand over to your good-stuff and keep the motion going.
#9 Your neighbors hear. You live in an apartment and you’ve just had the loudest, most orgasmic sex ever. While you may be satisfied with your partner’s performance, your neighbors probably aren’t so satisfied with yours. The next morning you wake up with a sticky note on the door that reads: “We share a wall with your bedroom. Keep it down!” Pissing off the neighbors is probably not the best way to get a welcome-to-the-apartment party. Awkward! [Read: How men can last longer during sex]
#10 Mom walks in. It doesn’t even have to be mom, really. Your parent, child, sibling, roommate, mail carrier or even your pet can totally ruin the mood! Let’s face it, there’s nothing refined about the act of sex. We put our bodies into unflattering positions, we grunt and grind and make funny faces, and so it goes that having someone walk in on your very private moment may be one of the most unflattering, tear-inducing, mortifying sexual experiences ever to happen.
[Read: 9 awkward signs you’re having bad sex with your lover]
Sex builds intimacy, feels great, and can be embarrassing and incredibly awkward. But remember that we’re all human, so don’t worry so much. Learn to laugh off those little moments and just enjoy yourself. If you’ve experienced any awkward sex moments that weren’t on this list, feel free to share them in the comments section.
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Waverly Smith is a freelance writer who has been getting paid for spreading her sarcastic take on love, life, and sex since 2010. She is many things that peo...
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