Home  >  Love Couch  >  Your Ex

8 Reasons Getting Back with your Ex is Self-Sabotage

You may think you can rekindle the fire with your past flame, but when you think of getting back with an ex, you may want to think again. By Colleen Anne Javellana

8 Reasons Getting Back with your Ex is Self-Sabotage

Forever is a very dangerous word. We often seem to forget the concept and limitations of time. After all, time is very abstract in its meaning and has its constraints. Even something as complicated as love can be abused to the highest degree.

Don’t say ‘forever’ when you mean ‘never’

When one first enters into a relationship, one cannot help but fall in love with the concept of love itself. Very often, we tend to idealize the relationship and place our partners on so high a pedestal that we lift them up to loftier heights. When one is in love, the world seems to be in a much better place. We begin to see our future with this person. We have opened ourselves to each other’s vulnerabilities, even to the possibility of ultimately hurting each other.

However, things don’t often go as we have planned. The perfect mate would suddenly become very ‘human’ in our eyes, and we are not happy with it. We can no longer see a future with this person, and the truth comes crumbling down in front of us. We find that we have to accept the bitter truth. Forever does not last the way it used to. And we find ourselves to be uttering the dreaded words: “goodbye.”

Hello? I love you!

When it comes to exes, everyone seems to have their own horror stories to tell. Breakups tend to be messy, and often leave at least one of the parties in a state of emotional turmoil. But what happens if the one who has played such a significant role in our lives decides to come back after a period of self-inflicted loneliness on your part?

Why you shouldn’t think of getting back with your ex

The big question now is should you, or shouldn’t you? There is a reason why the past belongs in the past. It is a great place to visit, but you know that you wouldn’t want to live there. Getting back with your ex can become the greatest form of self-sabotage. While it might be so tempting, and you find yourself so drawn to its appeal, it is best to ignore its false charms.

#1 You are denying yourself and your partner the happiness that both deserve. Happiness is also an abstract term, and one cannot really quantify it. Ask yourself this question: were you truly happy with your ex? If so, why did you break up with them in the first place?

Remember that happiness is more than the butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling that you get every time you are with them. It is the degree of comfort that one feels, the feeling of peace, of affirmation when one is around that person. Getting back with your ex will deny both of you of the happiness of meeting someone new. [Read: How to meet “The One” without appearing desperate]

#2 Only ghosts dwell in the past. The reason why many people find that they cannot move on is because they tend to live in the past, very much as ghosts do. Like ghosts, these people find themselves to haunt places that would be oddly familiar to them. They tend to dwell in distant memories, and cling to feelings of regret.

The past is already gone from your sight and it only prevents you from living in the present. More importantly, being a ghost will only prevent you from the possibility of having a happier future. Remember this: even ghosts have to move on. [Read: Signs your past relationship is holding you back]

#3 It only becomes exhausting. Once we find ourselves to fall into the trap of familiarity, we find everything to be emotionally draining. What we thought would make us happy is now rather emotionally tiring on our part. You also find yourself constantly questioning your motives, and wondering if this is what you want.

#4 The pain of holding on hurts, sometimes even more than letting go. Perhaps, one of the hardest things one has to face in life is to let go of the people we hold dear. However, sometimes holding on to something that you know won’t last actually hurts even more. Why? Because the more tightly you hold on to something that you know wouldn’t stay, the more you deceive yourself.

The emotional highs of getting back with someone you’ve been with and had deep feelings for can be overwhelming, but you have to ask yourself: what am I holding on to? Do I want to stay? Remember that you have to give yourself real answers, and not sound like a bad daytime soap opera. [Read: How to fall out of love when you see no future]

#5 Deception is a two-way hurting street. While deceiving yourself can be painful, deceiving your partner can hurt even more for the both of you. If both of you find yourselves coming back to each other’s arms for reasons you cannot fully understand, then you can never give yourselves the peace that you both deserve to have.

Instead, you have resigned yourselves to a world of fantasy, where everything is just remedied with empty romantic gestures and conflict is avoided at all costs. Deception comes as a slap in the face because the cold hard truth hurts. [Read: 16 signs you were just settling in an unhappy relationship]

#6 You don’t allow yourselves to grow. Letting go of someone can be healthy, especially if you know that the relationship didn’t allow you to grow as a person. As a couple, you didn’t evolve. Instead, you find yourselves to be stuck. This could come in the form of bad habits that made you the worst possible version of yourself.

You could also find yourself questioning your self-worth if you don’t help bring each other up. An ideal relationship would allow you to grow as a person. Before you think of even going back to your ex, ask yourself this: am I a better person without this person by my side?

#7 You find yourself to be using the “just because it’s convenient” excuse. You find yourself to be thrown into the dating pool, and you don’t like any of the fish that seem to be headed towards your direction. Your solution? Latch on to the most convenient person you can think of: your ex.

The reason why you did it might be irrational. Perhaps you’ve missed the concept of being in a relationship. Perhaps you have held on to the fear that it doesn’t “get any better than this.” But if you find yourself to be holding on to someone you don’t visualize your future with, why bother?

#8 Love is never a good enough reason for staying. This is the hardest truth that anyone who has been in a relationship would eventually learn. Love is more than just a feeling. Because when it comes right down to it, love becomes a choice. Those lovey-dovey feelings would fade in just a few months into the relationship. Soon enough, you will be seeing the flaws that you were perhaps too “blind” to see before.

Ultimately, “love” will just fly out the window when you see each other as more “human” and you don’t like what you see. Ask yourself, would I see myself growing old with this person? Love isn’t the only thing that should hold a relationship together. Because love can so easily be duplicated by a cocktail of other emotions.

The rule on relationships can get downright complicated and scary. While getting back with your ex is not necessarily a bad thing, one must tread lightly when it comes to choosing that path. Remember that love can be so deceiving. And these feelings can cause one to make irrational judgments.

[Read: Is there ever a situation where you should date your ex?]

If you find yourself to be drawn back to an ex who was bad for you in the first place, you might find yourself doing more harm than good. Just because it’s familiar and convenient doesn’t mean it’s your best option.

Liked what you just read? Follow us on Instagram Facebook Twitter Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.

Colleen Anne Javellana
I'm a quirky and passionate individual who believes in True Love. I live for deep conversations and a good novel to read. I am in love with Life, and I want to ...
Follow Colleen on