You may be having an emotional affair and not even know it. Use these emotional affair signs to find out if you’re more-than-friends with a friend. By Francesca Marie
These days, as close as two lovers may be, they can’t always be by each other’s side all the time.
Other than the weekend, most lovers spend a big part of their day away from each other.
And as humans, we have a need to feel loved and appreciated wherever we are.
In all probability, the good times you share with your friends and colleagues may be one of the biggest reasons why you enjoy your workplace.
[Read: 15 reasons why you're bored of your own relationship]
Falling into an emotional affair
As time passes by, even though you have your own lover, you may start to like someone else’s company too.
At first, it may start off as someone to have a conversation with when you’re bored and your partner isn’t around to talk to you.
And then, the person turns into someone you like talking to.
And before you know it, this person becomes a pretty important part of your life.
[Read: Is casual flirting with someone else cheating?]
Add opposite-sex and stranger-to-your-partner into the equation, and you’ve good yourself a good chance of an emotional affair.
Signs of an emotional affair
An emotional affair is exciting. You get to experience the same flutter of the heart as you feel in love, but in this case, your partner isn’t around. It’s just harmless flirting, isn’t it?
Harmless flirting is good. It’s fun, it’s sexy and makes you feel more confident about yourself and your conversational skills. But is your harmless flirting with a colleague at your workplace turning into an emotional affair without you realizing it?
You may just be more addicted to your *friend* than you think! [Read: Signs both of you are already more than just friends]
18 emotional affair signs to judge your secret relationship better
So could you be cheating on your partner emotionally without even realizing it? Most of us are, and we just don’t know it.
Use these 18 emotional affair signs to find out if you’re having one. And once you get that answer, ask yourself the big question you have to eventually face one day, what are you going to do now? [Read: 10 tips to share a platonic relationship with your friend]
#1 Your behavior. You’re very friendly with this good friend of yours. But subconsciously, both of you keep some distance from each other when your lover is around. There’s more awkwardness and formality in your conversations when your lover’s by your side.
#2 Excitement. You feel really excited to share any new thoughts or ideas with this friend, be it your review of a movie you just watched or gossip about another coworker or classmate.
#3 You need to talk. Do you ever feel incomplete or feel like something’s missing when you don’t speak to your friend for a couple of days? Even when you’re on a vacation, do your thoughts drift and make you wonder what your friend is up to?
#4 You share your secrets. Do you share your innermost secrets with this friend? You may be sharing secrets that even your partner doesn’t know about. It makes you feel good to share such intimate details with your friend. At times, the idea of sharing a new secret may even excite you or make you feel more connected to each other.
#5 You want their attention. You get annoyed if you call your friend up late one night and realize they’re busy on another call with someone else. You find yourself feeling jealous if they date someone else, or speak highly about someone else to you. You’re not dating each other, but both of you like getting each other’s attention.
#6 It’s an addiction. You’re addicted to this friend. Both of you feel really happy to meet each other after a long weekend. And you feel like you’ve missed out on happy time if you don’t get to spend some time talking to this friend. [Read: What should you do when you start liking someone else?]
#7 You’re easily aroused. Do you get easily aroused when you’re having a conversation about sex with this friend? If you feel good talking about your own intimate sexual details with your friend and it somehow arouses you, there’s definitely an emotional affair in the air.
#8 Sexual tension. There’s a lot of sexual tension in the air. Even when both of you sit close to each other, you can clearly sense every part of your bodies that are touching each other.
#9 You flirt naturally. Both of you don’t always realize it, but there’s a lot of flirty conversations in the air when both of you share a moment with each other, and there’s no one around. [Read: 15 obvious flirting signs between a guy and a girl]
#10 You want to make an impression. You always find yourself dressing up better when you have to meet this friend. You may not consciously realize it, but you always try to look your best when you spend time with your friend.
#11 Compliments. If you’re sharing an emotional affair with a friend, big chances are, you take their compliments pretty seriously. If your friend tells you that you look prettier with your hair done a particular way or that red looks beautiful on you, it just makes your day!
#12 You’ve found your secret soulmate. This friend of yours understands you better than anyone else in the whole world. And you respect your friend’s advice more than you care about your own partner’s.
#13 You make sacrifices. You’d be willing to sacrifice anything just to make more time for your friend. You could stay up the whole night just to talk to your friend after your partner’s asleep. Or you could leave your place and head to work an hour early so you can spend more time with your friend. You don’t realize it, but you put your life, love and your career aside just to spend time with this friend. [Read: Understanding your mind - To cheat or not to cheat?]
#14 Together time. You spend more time talking to this friend of yours than you spend time with your own partner. And even if your partner tries to communicate with you, you subconsciously push them away because you’d prefer to have intellectual conversations only with your friend.
#15 Fantasies. Your friend pops into your sexual fantasies all the time. You may be having sex with your own partner, but somehow, you can’t stop thinking about how amazing it would be to make love to your friend.
#16 Downplaying. Whenever you speak about this friend with your partner, you talk about this friend like they’re not important at all. You try not to speak about this person with your partner or you portray your friend as someone insignificant in your life.
Additionally, you make a conscious effort to downplay your friend’s role in your life, and you try hard not to bring up this person’s name while in conversation with your partner. [Read: 10 ways to resist temptation in love]
#17 A secret wish. Even if you’re in a long term relationship with your partner, you spend a lot of time secretly wondering about how your life could have been if you and your friend had met earlier, before you started dating your partner.
#18 Talk of partners. Your friend and you avoid talking about each other’s partners too much. And even if one of you talk about your own lovers, it’s only for a few minutes before the conversation gets back to how nice both of you feel talking to each other and having each other as such good friends.
It’s a subtle way of reassuring each other that even though both of you are in love with other people, there’s still something magical about your emotional relationship. [Read: How to fall out of love when you see no future]
Are you experiencing an emotional affair?
Emotional affairs are extremely common. And almost all of us have been on the verge of getting into one without realizing it!
So if you’ve used these emotional affair signs and see that you’re experiencing almost all of them, it’s time to give it a serious thought, because as fun as they may seem now, it’s only ruining everything else around you. [Read: How to end an affair and completely get over it]
If you’re in an emotional affair with someone, you’d be jeopardizing your own relationship with your partner and may even start picking flaws in a perfect relationship. So now that you know you’re in an emotional affair, what do you want to do?
[Read: Should you ever confess to cheating on your partner?]
There are just two things you can do in this crossroad. Break up with your partner. Or end the emotional affair. These emotional affair signs don’t lie. Now it’s time to stop lying to yourself and make that decision, before it’s too late.
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No matter what people think or who thinks otherwise, it’s just impossible for any of us to ever stay away from an emotional affair.
These signs are extremely real and helpful when it comes to finding out of we’re having an emotional affair. I especially liked the #1 and #18 signs. It was so real I actually didn’t even realize I do the exact same thing until I read this article.
But even if we get to know that we’re in an emotional affair, can we ever stop ourselves? I mean, why should we? It’s not like we’re having sex with this other person. Sometimes, I think it doesn’t hurt to have someone else to depend on, especially if you’re in a relationship with a guy who doesn’t always have time for you.
Emotional affairs are the worst thing you can step into. It may seem like fun at first, but as you step deeper into it, you’d realize that what seems like paradise is actually quicksand.
I lost my boyfriend, my sleep, pissed my family off because I completely avoided them, and six months later, even finally lost my job because of it.
I was so crazy about this guy whom I went to college with, because we had reconnected at a college reunion and he seemed interested in me. At first, we started talking now and then, and soon we were so addicted to each other, we could stay up the whole night and talk to each other all night long. He was a self employed guy, so sleeping habits didn’t matter to him. But to me, it ruined my appearance, I was easily annoyed with everyone because of the lack of sleep. But I was so addicted to him, I didn’t care. I even broke up with my boyfriend and moved out of my home because I didn’t want to be disturbed by anyone when I was talking to him over the phone.
Finally, we got together and hooked up. We had a whirlwind romance for two weeks, and then he disappeared forever from my life because he already had a girlfriend and couldn’t cheat on her any longer.
It’s been a year now, I was clinically depressed, I still miss him and have only recently been able to recover from the experience. I’ve just got a new job now, and even now, I only wish I would never have met him. I ruined my entire life because of these emotional affairs.
I am in the process of trying to break free from an emotional affair I have been involved in for the past 4 years. I recognise every single point listed in this article and even though the logical part of me realises how ludicrous I must look to anyone on the outside looking in, I just could not help myself. What makes it so much worse for me is I work very closely with the woman I had the emotional affair with. We have done everything with each other with the exception of full penetrative sex, so it did get physical at one point. There was a time when I would’ve given up my entire world to be with her. To be fair to her, she always said we would never be together and like a fool I ignored her completely and continued with this deluded fantasy that, if I kept trying hard enough to win her heart, we would eventually be together. In my defence, she had a habit of saying just enough to keep me hanging on and even though I have tried time and time again to stop, she always knew what buttons to push and make me come running back. To make it worse we work so closely together that we can spend up to 10 hours a day in each others company. Getting another job is not an option for me, so I’m going to have to ride this one out and try to stay strong and alert so I am not drawn in any more. I think secretly she wants out too, but because we have shared so many secrets together we are both frightened that we will hurt the other by walking away so, stupid as it may sound, it has been easier to stay in this warped ‘romance’ and endure the crushing mental & emotional pain that comes with it every single day. If you are on the verge of getting into an emotional affair, please heed my advice and do NOT do it. I have never heard of anyone coming through these things unscathed. Stay friends, but keep your distance. I cannot emphasise enough – it is NOT worth it.
Let me explain what it’s like to be on the other end. My fiance has had a female friend he’s had before we even met. One that he’d wanted to be in a relationship with, but because of the fact that she had dated his best friend, he felt it would be unfair to date her.
During our relationship, I realized they’d become very close. Because I didn’t want to introduce jealousy into our relationship, I said nothing for a long time. Slowly but surly, I realized he started spending more time with her and less with me. He was either calling her or running out to meet her for coffee every single weekend.
At this point I spoke up and said that I wasn’t comfortable with this. I understood that she’s his friend and would never ask him to stop seeing her, but perhaps the three of us could get together from time to time. I thought it was important to include me as well. He refused and insisted she was just a friend. He made me feel like I was controlling and just insecure. He even convinced me that I was just being insecure.
Then the lies came. She’d call, I’d see her name on his phone as it rang and he wouldn’t answer it when I was around. Minutes later, he’d pretend he needed something from the store and run out to call her. He was reluctant to go anywhere if there was a possibility that we’d bump into her together.
Then it occurred to me – the only reason he isn’t with her is because she dated his good friend. In reality, he was in love with her. My gut told me all along, but I ignored it.
Sometimes I feel like an emotional affair is worse than a physical affair. It’s not just about sex, your partner has emotionally departed your relationship and has feelings for someone else. It’s the biggest slap in the face and the most hurtful thing that could happen in a relationship. I felt betrayed and emotionally shattered. I knew there was something going on, but he would never admit it.
After 4 years this relationship, where I took care of his ailing father, became an emotional crutch to so many of his family members, supported his business and broke my back trying to make him happy, I told him he either needed to stop talking to her or watch me walk out the door.
She was too important to him… he choose to watch me walk out the door instead. I was that dispensable.
i hold my hands up to be guilty to this one, but for some reason the friend in question was just easier to talk to and open up to which i lacked in my partner at the time, i will admit after breaking up with the partner i wanted alot more from my friend in which he rejected me, but i still feel that i can be open and always go to him for advice when needed and i also still enjoy his company, some of the examples above can go towards one of ur friends of the same sex, its not exactly a emotional fair it can sometimes mean that you have a connection and a close relationship with someone of the opposite sex, it all depends on wether ur partner trusts u enough to not go beyond being just close friends, lets face it alot of people cant tell and talk to their partners about everything we all need other people for that sometimes
I didn’t know I was having an emotional affair until I managed to drunkenly confess an attraction to this friend. I wasn’t expecting to come out with it I just did and then it exaggerated everything like an explosion. It was very exciting, embarrassing, guilt ridden and horrifying as I have a boyfriend of 9 years. And this ‘friend’ is actually one of my boyfriend’s best friends! Doh! What an idiot.
I pretty much experienced all of the signs mentioned above and the feelings gradually worsened over time. I have always found him physically attractive. I did try to talk to him less and consciously made an effort to avoid him at times although this never worked as I either couldn’t keep it up or he would seem to make more effort to engage me. I thought we had a connection but I think it’s all in my head. It’s straining my relationship so much and has shocked me as I am a very loyal person and (so is the best friend). I also love my boyfriend and we are heading towards marriage.
We both know the best thing for everyone is to ignore these feelings and I am going to avoid him as much as I can. It did start out as a few friendly conversations and Iinnocently thought I was being ‘helpful’ at first by offering some female advice now and again as he has not been in a relationship for some time and this is when we started getting closer. I wish I hadn’t said anything but it has shocked me into action to improve my own life and relationship. I am finding it hard to accept that we probably won’t chat anymore as it is like an addiction and I crave him but a few nice chats and some sexual tension are not worth jeopardising a loving relationship. I have scared myself so much. I think women can just be friends with some men, there is not always a physical attraction but it’s dangerous when there is.