The word ‘gaslighting’ is a pretty common one these days. That very fact is worrying itself. This is a tactic that can have you questioning your own sanity and break even the strongest person down into a mess. But, what is gaslighting and how can you notice the signs of something that’s so subtle yet powerful?
There are many types of abusive people out there, and that means there are many toxic relationships you can find yourself in. The hardest and most destructive one is loving a narcissist.
A narcissist is someone who cares for no one but themselves and will cause you to question who you are, what you’re doing, and in the end, break you down into a shell of your former self. It sounds dramatic, but it’s no exaggeration.
The term ‘narcissist’ is named after the mythological character Narcissus, a character who loved himself so much that he fell madly in love with his own image in the water. Although narcissists use many tricks to confuse the people they love, gaslighting messes with you the most. [Read: How to deal with a narcissist in the best way you possibly can]
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse designed to evoke confusion that eventually turns into an extreme form of anxiety.
As a result, the victim starts to doubt their own perception, memory, judgment, and sense of reality.
This term came from a classic 1944 Hollywood movie called Gaslight. In the movie, the husband resorts to manipulative tactics to drive his wife insane. One such tactic is dimming the gas-powered lights in their home, but denies that the lights are changing when his wife asks about them. So the wife starts to believe she is just seeing things.
The abuser (often a narcissist, but not always) commonly uses gaslighting to target the victim’s mental balance, self-esteem, and sanity so that they will be dependent on their abuser.
This involves a frequent, systematic, and calculated way of withholding and twisting information from the victim, so that the abuser can manipulate them and turn things in their favor. Put simply, gaslighting is a dangerous form of abuse and it’s not always easy to see that it’s happening. [Read: Gaslighted? 14 signs a narcissist is playing mind games with you]
Let’s give a quick, basic example. You arrange to meet your partner after work at your favorite restaurant, to celebrate doing well at work that week. You’re excited and your partner is well aware of that fact.
You head to the restaurant after work and wait outside for them, but they never show. So, you call them and they tell you that you must be imagining it, you never arranged to meet, you just talked about maybe going at some point. Deep down, you know you did make plans, but now you start to doubt yourself because how could you have got it so wrong?
Not at all. Anyone can use gaslighting, it’s simply that this is a very commonly used manipulation tactic by narcissists. They’ve made it famous, but for sure, anyone can do it. It’s not advised however, it’s something you should avoid doing at all costs. [Read: What types of narcissism should you be on the lookout for?]
Sometimes we can all be a little manipulative, but there’s a big difference between simply being a bit manipulative occasionally and using gaslighting. Overall, gaslighting tends to be a premeditated thing and it takes a lot of thinking about to pull it off. That’s not something you can really do by accident.
The truth is that narcissists use gaslighting to keep their partners where they are. It makes them stay in the relationship when perhaps they may otherwise see through the facade and choose to leave.
You’ll believe that you’re the problem and then, start to think that nobody else would put up with you. So, you become ultra-reliant on your narcissist, and they have total control over you. [Read: How do narcissists hook you and how to avoid their toxic bait]
Gaslighting isn’t that clear sometimes. Someone on the outside will be able to spot it a mile away but when you’re in the middle of it, it can be a totally confusing and extremely subtle tactic.
By learning the signs of gaslighting you’ll be in a much better position to identify it and then do something about it.
Calling names can have a harmful effect on a person over time. So if your partner starts to call you “cuckoo” or is telling you that you might be manic-depressive or bipolar like they’re an authority in diagnosing clinical disorders, right? – be wary of that.
Anyone who seems keen on putting a psychiatric label on you might have something up their sleeves. [Read: Narcissistic abuse – 16 subtle signs a narcissist is abusing you]
And you start to believe it. When you talk about your feelings or observations, your partner dismisses them like you’re the only one thinking those thoughts or seeing those things.
They also bring other people into it and tell you that they think certain things about you too. Then, you start to wonder whether your version of reality and theirs is the same.
Especially when it comes to your fears. Have you ever had moments when you confide in your partner, and after a while, your partner brings those things up at their own convenience – like to win an argument or get their way?
They know which buttons to press and they’ll subtly use them against you. Why? Because they know the effect it will have on you. You’ll feel like your fears are a reality and that weakens you.
By that point, your partner is gaslighting you and totally has you under their control. [Read: 20 biggest narcissistic traits to recognize the narc in your life]
Does your partner make you feel incapable by questioning your decisions all the time? Do you feel frustrated by always having to explain your choices and your values?
By second-guessing your decisions and abilities, you may eventually start to question if you can accomplish anything. And that makes you feel inadequate.
Manipulative people will not acknowledge your perceptions, but instead, they will twist things around just to make you doubt yourself.
For example, if you’re going out with friends that they openly disapprove of, they will tell you they’re not who you think they are – and they’ll eventually make you believe the same. [Read: Narcissistic victim syndrome – What it is and how to escape the mess]
If you’re wondering what is gaslighting when it comes to being put down, here’s an example. So you had a rough day at work. And at the end of the day, you sit down to tell your partner all about it.
Your partner brushes it off as something insignificant when you almost saved your company from doom. In fact, they’ve made it a habit to minimize your triumphs as well as your feelings like they don’t really matter.
Compared to your partner, you feel small.
They have downplayed your ideas as well as your needs so much that it seems like the only thing that matters, or person who matters, in the relationship is your partner. So you start to blindly follow them because you see no other way.
For instance, you tell them you don’t like Chinese food, and they’re like, “What do you mean? It’s delicious! You like it!” And they act like that with you all the time, imposing their own wants and whims on you, like you’re into the same things as they are.
And after a while, the gaslighting gets more severe and you don’t know what your real preferences are anymore. [Read: How to get to know yourself and reveal your life’s true passions]
Your partner is also highly convincing of their version of things. They forget or deny that something ever happened, such as their promises to you.
They’ll say things like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about…” or “That didn’t happen. I have no recollection of it.”
Even if you think that you’re about to do something right out of instinct and common sense, your partner flips it 180. Then suddenly, what you’re doing is all wrong.
You believe your partner instead of your instincts, and this can start a pattern of submission to their will. [Read: How to follow your gut instinct and listen to yourself]
The only thing that is right and true is what your partner remembers. Even if you tell them otherwise, because you remembered some detail they conveniently left out, you’re still in the wrong.
As a result, you think it was all really in your head.
An argument or even a mere conversation with your partner is pointless. You only end up upset, confused, exhausted, and even ridiculed at times. And so you give up even if you have an inkling that they’re gaslighting you.
You stop speaking your mind because you know you won’t be listened to and even then, you start to lose sight of what you want to say anyway. [Read: How to express your feelings and get your point across the right way]
You lie and settle just to avoid an argument or a difficult conversation. Worst of all, you lie to yourself — all just to keep the peace.
Of course, your partner will not stop insisting on their version of things to the point that you’ll end up in a nasty fight, and they’ll make it all your fault. So, you think ‘what’s the point’?
It seems that nothing you do is right. When it comes to your relationship, it feels like you’re walking on eggshells.
One wrong move and there’s an outburst, and you’re in the wrong again. You’ve been saying “sorry” so much that you start to believe that it really is all your fault. [Read: Relationship arguments – 27 do’s and don’ts to remember]
When it feels like you’re so emotionally gagged that you can’t even hear your own voice because of all the gaslighting, you end up depressed. Everything you do is magnified, and you’re constantly criticized and in the most awful ways.
You have no say with regard to your own feelings because your partner won’t validate them – not even with a simple acknowledgment.
But, despite knowing that you’re not happy, you try to convince yourself that you are fine. You’re so reliant upon your partner that as long as they’re there and they’re in a good mood, you’re fine. In reality, however, you’re really not.
Intense manipulation and gaslighting can really get to you, especially when it’s done constantly and by someone you share intimacy with.
At first, you may think that your partner is wrong. But then their words start to sink in so much, and all too often, that you start to wonder if there really is something wrong with you. [Read: Psychological manipulation – 16 signs and tactics real manipulators use]
On top of starting to think that you’re going crazy, you then start to doubt your sanity completely. Are you seeing things? Did you really hear them saying that? Did you make plans or were you dreaming it?
Not only will you be confused but you’ll be so tied up in knots that you really won’t know which way is up or down.
The fact that your partner questions every single decision you make leads you to feel like you’re incapable of doing anything properly. You’re also doubting your own mind which means you’re far more likely to avoid making decisions and instead, you’ll rely upon your partner to make them for you.
You might not come out and say “make this choice for me”, but you’ll ask their opinion and then simply go along with what they say or recommend, without question. [Read: 10 decisions you should never let your partner make for you]
Gaslighting is pretty obvious from the outside. You won’t be able to notice it so much when it’s happening to you, even if you have a slight inkling that something isn’t right. But those around you will be able to see what’s going on.
So, if your friends and family members have expressed concern about your partner and they’ve told you that they think you’re being exposed to gaslighting, you really should take notice.
But, as a victim of manipulation, will you listen?
If your friends and family members have told you that they think something is wrong, you’re unlikely to listen if you’re really under your partner’s control. You’re so reliant upon your partner that you’d much rather isolate yourself away from your friends and family members instead.
You don’t want to hear the truth, so you see less and less of the people who care about you.
If that’s not bad enough, it pleases your partner that you’re doing this because you’re far easier to control when you don’t have people around you. [Read: How do narcissists control you so subtly?]
The emotional and mental fallout of gaslighting means that not only will you doubt your sanity in the end but you will second guess absolutely everything. You’ll become distrustful of everything and everyone, except for your partner.
You’re so controlled that forming thoughts for yourself becomes extremely difficult. By this stage, your partner’s gaslighting efforts have worked for them.
It could be that deep down, you know something isn’t right. It won’t be enough for you to stand up to your partner and tell them that they’re gaslighting you, but it will be a tiny inkling. This means there is hope for you.
If you can hold on to that inkling and allow it to grow, you’ll eventually find the strength to face things and leave. But, even for those who really are under a partner’s control, there may still be a tiny thought every now and again that says, “I know I’m right, I know I didn’t say that.” [Read: How to get over trust issues in a relationship and move forward]
A gaslighting abuser will withhold information, ignore you, minimize their own mistakes, question everything you say, trivialize your values and feelings, divert the blame and conversation, and deny their own words and deeds. They will do all these just to manipulate you so that they have power and control over you.
Be wary, though, because these gaslighting tactics happen gradually. It can start off so subtly that you don’t even notice it.
Your partner’s words may seem so harmless, and they might be so charming and affectionate that you won’t even believe they’re capable of such manipulation. [Read: How to spot gaslighting in a relationship and shut it down for good]
Over time *sometimes even months or years later*, though, you will start to notice the signs we listed above. Eventually, you will feel confused, powerless, incapable, anxious, and probably even depressed. You actually begin to lose the sense of what reality actually is. That’s how dangerous gaslighting can be.
Is it like this for everyone? No. Everyone is different and perhaps there are different degrees of severity.
What we need to point out however is that no matter whether gaslighting is a simple and small thing or not, it still has the potential over time to be extremely damaging to a person’s emotional and mental health. [Read: 18 emotions you shouldn’t feel in a healthy relationship]
Once you’ve learned to spot gaslighting, you want to stop it. However, it won’t happen immediately. What is gaslighting if it’s not emotional abuse? So, it could take time, but by learning to trust yourself again, over time, you’ll get there.
Then, your first instinct may be to fight back. If someone is lying, you tell them they’re lying. If you have proof, you shove it in their face. You stand up for yourself.
That all sounds good, but gaslighting is irrational. It is impossible to have a rational, adult, or calm conversation with someone who depends on gaslighting as their form of control.
The best way to fight gaslighting is to disengage. Do not respond. Do not give them the satisfaction of your thoughts, feelings, or anger. [Read: 21 emotionally abusive relationship signs no one should ever, ever tolerate]
Their intent is to get a rise out of you. They want you to feel unhinged and crazy. If you stand back and disengage from the situation, they will have lost control. After a few attempts and no response, they will have to give up.
Now, if someone is gaslighting you, we would suggest ending that relationship. This is a behavior that is unlikely to quit without intensive therapy that most people who choose to gaslight will never commit to or even consider.
Gaslighting is unhealthy for your mental health and should never be tolerated. [Read: How to use the grey rock method to get a gaslighter to get out of your life]
Of course, it’s very easy to say “you need to leave this person” but you have feelings for them. That’s something that people who have never been in a relationship with a narcissist don’t understand.
How can you possibly love someone who is abusing you in this way?
The truth is that you’re so controlled and manipulated that you believe this person to be someone else entirely. [Read: How to leave a narcissist and free yourself from their web of control]
But, the good news is that you can break free. There will come a point where you start to have those “I’m not wrong” moments. When you spot one, grab onto it firmly. The more you question the thoughts you’re having and the behavior you’re spotting from your partner, the easier it will be to break free.
We’re sorry to say that it’s not possible to have a normal, loving relationship with a narcissist. You’ll always be unhappy and always be gaslighted and manipulated. So, the only answer is to leave. But, how?
When someone is gaslighting you, of course, you’ll question your choice, for sure. But, believe that you’re right. Make your decision and be firm. [Read: How do narcissists end a relationship?]
If you live together, grab your things and leave when they’re at work or somewhere else. It will be far easier for you to get out when they’re not there to fire more gaslighting techniques at you. Go and stay with a friend or family member. Speaking of which …
If you isolated yourself from your friends and family, now is the time to reach out. They’ll be waiting for you, we promise. People who care about you will be desperate to help, whenever that call comes.
They won’t like the fact you’ve left them, so get ready for an onslaught of contact. The best way to protect yourself is to block it all. Social media, their number, everything – block it. [Read: How to beat a narcissist – 14 ways to win over their manipulation]
You’re going to have doubts, this is a breakup even if it’s escaping from a narcissist. So, distract your mind and focus on yourself. Do things you’ve never done before, spend time with friends, and keep your mind busy.
There is no right or wrong amount of time it will take for you to feel better and to be able to move on. All you can do is give yourself all the time you need and heal in the best way possible.
Learn to love and trust yourself again and if you need to, reach out and speak to those around you. If you really feel you need extra help, with many victims of narcissistic abuse do, then reach out to a therapist to help you work through your thoughts and feelings.
Gaslighting is a severe and damaging control tactic that is designed to manipulate to the highest degree. Learn the signs of gaslighting, know what to do, and if it happens to you, know that it’s not your fault. Sometimes, the people we love simply don’t turn out to be who we thought they were. That’s their issue, not yours.
[Read: What is the worst thing you can do to a narcissist to hurt them deeply?]
If you wake up one day wondering what has become of the person you used to be, then we hate to tell you, but you know the answer. What is gaslighting – abuse, nothing less. And it won’t stop until you break free.
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