You’re in love with them, but the feeling isn’t mutual. Here’s how to get over someone you never dated, move on, and free yourself.
It happens all the time. You fall for somebody, reserve yourself for the off-chance they’ll notice you, and then become devastated when they date somebody else. Of course, in these situations, you need to move on; you know nothing will happen between you. Yet it’s still hard to get over someone you never dated, but loved.
We get it – it hurts. There you are pining over somebody who’s probably not even thinking of you. The person you love is out there dating, while you’re left wistfully staring at your phone and stalking their dates on social media.
You’re all alone in bed staring at your crush’s profile pics, while they’re off having the time of their life – with somebody else.
Learning how to get over someone you never dated but loved can seem bittersweet, even painful or a little bit pathetic. You know it’s time to pull yourself together and move on, but you feel nobody understands how significant a loss this really is.
Do you really have to go through all of this, and feel this miserable? All for somebody who does not – and probably, will not – love you back? How long is it going to hurt?
How long does it take to get over someone you never dated?
Right now, you’re hurting. You’re probably asking: how long it will take for the pain to stop?
What you’re feeling right now is a legitimate form of heartbreak. Remember, even if it never actually blossomed into a relationship, you’ve lost a love.
According to psychology experts, the loss of a potential relationship causes the same painful emotions as a regular breakup: anger, rejection, disappointment, and grief.
[Read: How to recover from the pain of a breakup and heal your broken heart]
Sometimes, losing someone you loved but never dated can even be more painful than losing somebody you did date, as you’re constantly haunted by what might have been. You imagine your lives together as perfect, without the reality check of real-life dating.
Unfortunately, there’s no easy answer to the question of how long it’ll hurt. Everybody grieves differently. Sometimes it takes weeks, sometimes it takes months – or even years. Either way, you’re going to be grieving this loss for a good while.
So, rather than worrying about how long it’ll take, worry about processing your pain in a healthy way. Before you try to move on from someone you never dated, remember to allow yourself to feel the heartbreak you’re going through. Your feelings are legitimate and real – don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. [Read: How to stop liking someone you know you can never have]
Why is it so hard to get over someone you never dated?
Remember what we said earlier, about imagining your perfect life? When you’re in love with someone you never dated, you’re loving an idea of them. You haven’t had the experience of dating to show you who they really are, so you put them on a pedestal.
You don’t have to deal with their annoying habits, like not cleaning up at home, or leaving your texts on read. You haven’t had a messy breakup that ended your love on bad terms. In your mind, they’re always your perfect partner – not the potentially ugly reality. This makes you miss them even more.
Always remember that you’re not missing the real person you loved. The future you wanted with them could never exist outside of your mind. Although it’s hard, you need to remember your love is based on fantasies.
You might even wish you’d had a conventional breakup; if you’d dated and split, at least that would have given you more closure, right? Wrong.
Think back to the moment you realized they’d never be yours. This is the same pain as breaking up; think of it as breaking up with your fantasy. Use this pain as a catalyst to make a new start.
How to get over someone you never dated but loved
Now, let’s get practical. You need to break your illusion of love, and end your fantasy of a future relationship. The person you never dated but loved doesn’t want to be with you, and this has ended any chance of a life together. So, treat this like a breakup – because to you, it is.
[Read: 42 rules to forget someone you loved as fast as possible]
It’s not going to be easy, but it’ll be a relief. Follow this step-by-step guide on how to get over someone you never dated, and set yourself free.
1. Feel sorry for yourself
Many people say you shouldn’t feel sorry for yourself, but it’s impossible. You always feel sorry for yourself when something sad happens. It’s normal.
So, for a short period, welcome those sad thoughts: “This always happens to me!” “Nothing ever goes my way!” “I’m going to die alone!” This is something worth being sad about, and these emotions are inevitable. [Read: 30 secrets to get over someone you love and not give a damn]
2. Cry it out
Just cry. Eat some ice cream, and in between your spoons of chocolate chip cookie dough, cry some more. You can do this for a couple of days, maybe even a couple of weeks. You’re grieving, and you’re sad, so this is completely normal. Crying is therapeutic and healthy.
3. But then stop crying
At some point, you’re going to have to stop crying. Usually, you’ll stop crying on your own when you feel that it’s right. But if you’re still stuck pouting in bed six months after the fact, you may have to force yourself to move on.
4. It’s all on you
Don’t wait on your friends to get you out of bed. If you want to get over someone you never dated, you can’t rely on anybody but yourself.
These are your emotions, so you need to push yourself out of it. You need to get yourself out of bed, and start doing things for you. [Read: The pain of loving someone who doesn’t love you back]
5. Don’t stalk them
There’s nothing worse than creeping through their Facebook and seeing how much fun they’re having without you, or *even worse* that they’ve started seeing someone.
It’s not worth the pain. The only person you’re hurting by stalking them – or their new partners – is yourself. [Read: When you miss them – 20 mind tricks to stop missing someone you shouldn’t ]
6. Don’t text them
If you’re trying to control your emotions, cut contact. You’ll be able to talk to your lost love again eventually. But right now, you need your space.
Think of it like quitting smoking. If you stop smoking cold turkey, you’ll get withdrawal symptoms. You’re irritable for a while, you can’t hang out with people who smoke… However, after a couple of months, you can hang out with people who smoke, and you feel better than before. It’s exactly the same when quitting someone you loved. [Read: Stage 5 clinger – 23 clear hints you’re not wanted anymore]
7. You couldn’t change anything
It’s natural to think about what you could have done to change things. But listen: there’s actually nothing you could have done. It’s all on them!
To truly understand how to get over someone you never dated, you need to realize that they chose not to be with you for their own reasons. It’s not because you made a bad joke that one time, or accidentally stepped on their new shoes. They have their reasons, and there’s nothing you can do to change them. Nothing. [Read: 21 reasons why someone you like may never like you back]
8. Your memory could be playin’ you
You’re replaying the good times in your head, but did they actually happen like that? Sometimes, your memory plays tricks on you and alters memories, making them seem more exciting, deep or significant than what really happened.
Maybe you’re seeing sparks between you that were never there. Re-evaluate your memories and see if your memory is messing with you.
9. You’re going to feel like crap
It’s normal to wake up questioning why this is happening to you, and if you’re going to die alone. This is a hard time; it’s the same process as a breakup.
At first, you won’t want to shower, and you’ll find yourself wanting to stay at home watching Lifetime movies. That’s healthy! It’s all part of the healing process. [Read: 15 things to do when you feel like you’ll be single forever]
10. You’re going to be bored
If you spent most of your time talking to them, hanging out with them, or stalking them on social media, ending things could leave you with a lot of free time. So, fill it! Take some classes, hang out with friends, and do whatever you need to do to keep busy.
11. You’ll think about it constantly
You’re going to think about it all day, every day. You’ll rewind every moment, every time they smiled at you, or you made them laugh. These memories will hurt at first. But, you have to go through that pain. Eventually, you’ll stop thinking about them as much, and the discomfort will fade. [Read: How to stop thinking about someone you still like, and get over them for good]
12. You’re going to be jealous
If you see them with another person, you’re going to be fuming. You’re going to memorize their face and find them on social media. The hunt is on. All your energy, all your time will be spent despising this intruder.
This is guaranteed to happen, but that doesn’t make it a healthy coping strategy. Don’t blame your crush’s new partner – blame them! They’re the one that rejected you. [Read: Foolproof ways to get over the one you never had]
13. Accept that you never had them
You never really had them. You may have been friends, you may have even been friends *with benefits*, but since you never dated them, you never had them.
If they really wanted to be with you, they would have been with you. So, you need to accept this. There are other people out there that will appreciate you and connect with you on a deeper level.
[Read: The complete step-by-step guide to getting over unrequited love]
14. Become your ideal partner
Once you’ve accepted that they’ll never be yours, you can start thinking about finding somebody new. As the old saying goes: ‘if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love someone else.’ By becoming your own ideal partner, you can attract your perfect match.
[Read: The Law of Attraction – How to manifest love by improving yourself]
Make a list of the qualities you’d want in a partner. Maybe they’re funny, or love animals, or take care of their appearance. Then, try and incorporate these qualities into your own personality. This will not only help you learn about yourself, but also attract people who are similar to the new you!
15. Journal to process your emotions
Getting over someone you never dated is a confusing experience; it’s easy for your head to feel mixed up. Journaling is a great way to order your thoughts. You can get your emotions out on paper, evaluate them, and understand what they really mean.
Think of your journal like your new best friend. It’s there whenever, always listens, and never judges.
16. Make space for someone new
Clear out anything that reminds you of the person you loved, and make space for someone new. This can be gifts, old clothes, or even items they lent you. By making physical space in your home, you’re making space in your mind, too.
17. Work on rebuilding your self-esteem & confidence
Now is the perfect time to start rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence, so you come out of this heartbreak a stronger, better person than you ever were before.
Before now, you may have been deriving a lot of your self-esteem and confidence from your crush. You felt validated by their attention; just a look in your direction could leave you glowing for days.
Now, you need to be your own source of validation. Take up new hobbies, clear out your life, nurture your talents and grow as an individual. [Read: How to bounce back from a breakup and become a better person]
18. Stay busy doing things you love
Focus on things you love to do. Whether that’s painting, sports or socializing with friends, every moment you spend on something you love is a moment not spent thinking about the person you’ve lost. This will help with your self-esteem, too.
19. Talk to someone you love
It’s not healthy to bottle up your emotions. Find someone you love and trust, and open up to them. This can be a good friend, or a family member. Don’t just vent about your lost love, though. That’s negative, and will just cause you to spiral back down into misery.
20. Make a moving on playlist
Music can be very healing. Make a moving on playlist full of songs that’ll help you on your emotional journey. This can be songs that lift you up, songs that calm you down, or even songs that describe your situation.
Unrequited love is one of the oldest, most popular themes in music. Hearing a song that perfectly describes the feeling of loving someone you never dated will make you feel less alone. [Read: Moving on songs – Upbeat tracks to help you get over your lost love]
21. Spend time with people who make you laugh
Everybody has that hilarious friend who leaves them in stitches every time. Find that friend, and get close to them.
Being with somebody who makes you laugh is a great way to keep your mood high. It can even help you process your loss – after all, laughter is the best medicine!
22. Respect their decision
Even though things didn’t go your way, you must always respect your beloved’s decision. Everybody has the right to decide who they date, and nobody is entitled to anybody else’s time, love or attention.
Always respect your crush’s decision. Sure, it’s painful. But if you truly loved them, you’d never want them to feel pressured into anything against their will.
23. Stop making excuses
Life isn’t like ‘Sliding Doors’; there isn’t some magical way things could have turned out differently if just one little thing had changed. It isn’t bad timing, or any other excuse – they just didn’t want to be with you, and that’s OK.
24. Ask yourself why you’re invested in that person
Why are they so important to you? What is it about them that’s so special? If they’re a recent acquaintance, asking why you’re so invested in this person is a great way to break their hold on you. You might find they’re less unique than you thought.
If you knew the person for a long time before you loved them, it’s more tricky. However, always remember the difference between your fantasy, and reality. Try and separate your friend from your fantasy lover; that way, you won’t wreck your friendship. [Read: 30 signs of a one-sided relationship and how to end one]
I’m still stuck! Why can’t I get over someone I never dated?
At the end of the day, getting over someone you never dated is hard. Sometimes, you’ll get stuck in a rut. Let’s look at the reasons why you can’t get over someone you never dated, and how to move things along.
1. You’ve put them on a pedestal
Dreaming about your potential lover has caused you to fall in love with a fantasy. You’ve put this idealized version of your crush on a pedestal, and no real-life person will ever match up. This can make it very difficult to move on and date again.
However, keep in mind the difference between your dreams and the real world. That person never existed, and never will. So focus on finding your perfect partner in real life instead.
2. You’ve been told that you’d be great together
Thanks for that compliment, Mom, that’s really going to help with the healing! Sometimes, well-meaning friends and relatives will try and protect your feelings. They’ll say you’d make a great couple, or that you’d be perfect together. This isn’t true.
Don’t let yourself be fooled by compliments and hypotheticals. Keep your mind on the real.
3. You’re lonely
You might cling on to your lost love because it served a purpose for you. Loving somebody you never dated might have filled the void in your heart, and made you feel less lonely. However, holding on to that love will only make you feel worse.
You could be filling that void with a real love instead, or even with self-love. Clinging on to what’s lost will only make the void feel bigger. [Read: The most powerful ways to overcome loneliness]
4. You spent a lot of effort and energy on them
Unrequited love can be exhausting. It took a lot of effort to get their attention, and you may feel demoralized and drained by their rejection. You might not feel like you have any energy left to heal.
But don’t let them drain you anymore. They’ve already taken more of your energy than they deserve. Now’s the time to rebuild your life in a healthier way, and if you put in the effort now, you’ll soon feel healed and renewed.
[Read: Letting go of people – Why is it so hard and what’s the right way to do it]
5. You have actually given it your all
Maybe you’ve tried all of the strategies in this feature, and none of them are working for you. The pain’s still there.
This is when you need to start questioning if your pain comes from your lost love, or from something deeper; maybe there’s something else that’s hurting you, which needs to be addressed.
When to seek professional help
If your heartbreak is the resistant kind we just mentioned, you may need to seek professional help. It’s not normal to feel so down you can’t function, especially after six months or more.
Sometimes, heartbreak can trigger a period of depression. This is a potentially serious mental illness that makes you feel lethargic, empty, and emotionally numb. If these symptoms sound familiar to you, it’s time to talk to your doctor. Even if you’re not depressed, a doctor can help you find more advanced strategies to manage the psychological stress you’re experiencing.
If you find yourself becoming obsessed or fixated on someone you’ve never dated, that’s another sign to seek professional help. It’s possible to become delusional about your relationship, especially if you have a pre-existing psychiatric condition. [Read: Why we need to break down the stigma around mental illness]
At the end of the day, you need to remember that pining over someone you never dated but loved will never bring them closer to you, nor give you a chance to date them. You need to let go and move on. In time, you will look back and be glad you made the effort to get over them.
Now, it’s time you put these tips on how to get over someone you never dated into practice. Are you going to cry? Yes. Are you going to be angry? Yes. But, eventually, you’ll be free.