Learning how to get over trust issues when you’ve been burned before is hard. However, it’s entirely possible to learn to trust again in love.
They say that trust takes a while to build and a second to break. That’s a pretty solid assessment. If you’ve given your all to a partner in the past and they’ve betrayed you, it’s normal to struggle with trusting a new partner. It doesn’t matter whether it was a month ago or five years ago, the hurt is still real. However, if you allow past upset to enter into new relationships, you run the risk of ruining it before it begins. Learn how to get over trust issues and start building a new future.
Now nobody will ever be able to tell you that learning to trust is easy. If you’ve been burned in the past, it’s going to be in the back of your mind for a long time afterwards. Will it ever go away? Maybe, maybe not.
However, learning to deal with your trust issues means that they no longer affect your actions, emotions, or thoughts in the same way. You’re effectively freeing yourself to move on and try again with someone new – with a fresh slate.
Let’s be honest, your new partner didn’t hurt you – it was your ex that did that. Don’t blame them for something they haven’t done! [Read: The 9 stages of love you experience in every relationship]
Trust and other issues in a relationship
For most of us, even when we realize that we’re not in a perfect relationship, we do nothing to fix it as the months pass by.
We don’t get out of it, nor do we try to communicate and change it for the better. Then, we whine about how unfair love is to us. But if you think about it, the direction of your relationship is in your own hands.
Every time you find yourself on the wrong path, you can steer yourself towards the right direction through better understanding, or you can let go of the wheel and find a new romance. [Read: The real signs of true love in a happy relationship]
Trust and finding faults in love
When you find yourself unhappy in a relationship, it’s not always your own fault. You need to remember that. A relationship involves you and your partner. So if one of you isn’t happy, both of you need to work together to fix the relationship. [Read: The 80 20 rule in relationships and your love life]
Trust is the foundation of a good relationship. When both of you trust each other completely and understand each other, it prevents insecurities and frustrations from ever cropping up.
If you’re hurt in love, it’s your lover’s responsibility to reassure you and help you feel better about the relationship. Well, that’s if your lover cares enough to see you happy. Likewise, it’s your responsibility to help your lover understand you and trust you when they feel threatened. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it stronger]
Even in a happy relationship that’s stood the test of time for several years, trust issues could crop up out of nowhere, especially when an attractive new friend or secrecy enters the romance.
Trust and the threshold of change in love
All of us have a threshold of change in a relationship. And it depends completely on how much we want the relationship to succeed.
When two people enter a new relationship, the two individuals have to create a new identity. Both of them have to be flexible and willing to compromise to fit into each other’s lives perfectly.
The extent to which one lover compromises for the other depends on how much they desire the other person. The less your lover compromises for you, the more you’ll doubt their love for you.
The more your doubts, the more insecure you’d feel in the relationship. And the more insecure you feel, the more you’d doubt your lover. It’s a vicious circle that’ll leave both of you hurt, bitter and angry. [Read: 21 secret signs of a relationship that’s just starting to go bad]
Insecurity and trust issues
You may love your partner a lot, but if you don’t trust them, you can never truly feel secure in the relationship. You’ll always be wary about everything they do, and you’ll always doubt their love for you.
Trust issues in a relationship can lead to depressions and intense frustrations. And the more frustrated you get, the harder you’d try to cling on to your partner in the fear of losing them completely.
This can make you a clingy and controlling lover *and there’s nothing worse than that*. [Read: The subtle signs you’re walking on eggshells in your love life]
Sometimes you simply need to do some soul-searching and try to identify the root cause of your insecurity. It’s entirely possible that the issue sits deeply in your past and you’re allowing it to control you in the here and now.
10 reasons why you have trust issues in your relationship
There are many reasons why you may doubt your partner or have trust issues, but they usually fall under these 10 reasons.
1. You think your partner lies to you very often.
2. You think your partner lacks integrity. They’ve cheated on someone in an earlier relationship / You’ve cheated on someone and *knowing how easy it is to cheat* you assume your partner may be cheating behind your back too.
3. You don’t know much about your partner’s life and what they do when you aren’t around.
4. You don’t know your lover’s friends and their inside jokes, which makes you feel insecure when they’re around.
5. Your partner is secretive. *locks their phone or deletes their messages often*
6. You feel threatened by your lover’s friendship with someone you don’t know well. [Read: Why guy best friends are nothing but trouble for a girl]
7. You’ve had bad experiences in love where an old lover has betrayed your trust.
8. Your partner just doesn’t share details about their life with you as much as you share yours with them.
9. Your partner gets furious when you intrude into their private space without their permission.
10. Your lover flirts with others.
If you’re in a happy relationship that’s built on trust, these 10 reasons for trust issues may seem trivial. But if you’re insecure, even the smallest of these reasons could send you sulking in the corner of the room. [Read: 20 biggest problems in a relationship and ways to fix it]
How to get over trust issues
Learning how to get over trust issues won’t happen overnight. It’s going to take time and effort to be able to put your issues behind you and move on. However, it’s a process that is more than worth the time and effort.
1. Identify what the issue is
What exactly is the issue causing you to doubt your partner and your relationship? Once you know that piece of information, how does that issue make you act? Do you constantly question your partner and ask where they’re going? Or, do you become clingy?
If you were cheated on in a past relationship, how does that make you act around and treat your partner now? Whatever the issue is, do some soul-searching and really pinpoint it down. [Read: 71 reasons why women cheat in a relationship and how to read her mind]
2. Acknowledge that it is in the past
If your trust issues stem from something that has happened to you in a past relationship or perhaps even your childhood, acknowledge that it is in the past. Your past doesn’t have to affect your current situation or your future. The only thing you can do is allow it to affect you here and now. When you look at it that way, you see that it’s a choice.
If you struggled with abandonment in the past, know that your current partner isn’t going to repeat that behavior. Perhaps you were cheated on in the past, know that your current partner isn’t going to find someone else and cheat on you.
Don’t tar people with the same brush, let them prove themselves to you. [Read: Dreams about cheating – What they mean & why you don’t have to panic]
3. Set yourself boundaries
There may be things that trigger your trust issues. Understand what those triggers are and set yourself boundaries to follow.
Don’t try and push unnecessary boundaries onto your partner, e.g. making them check in with you several times during a night out, just for reassurance. Instead, focus on you.
Create positive habits and strong boundaries to help you push past the issues that are causing you such distress.
4. Talk to your partner
Don’t be afraid to talk to your partner about anything that is worrying you. That doesn’t mean pointing the finger. Don’t go up to them and say “I don’t trust you” and then tell them that it’s because someone hurt you before. That’s not their fault.
Instead, explain that you have trust issues because of a past experience. Tell them that you want to move past them and you want them to help you do that.
Being open and honest will allow you to feel supported and it will strengthen the trust you have in your partner. [Read: Lack of communication in a relationship & why it signals the end]
5. Learn to control overthinking
Trust issues that stem from past problems or insecurity are all about fear. You’re worried about something happening and that is causing you to not trust your partner as much as you should. Fear isn’t real. The problem is, fear also makes us overthink.
When you notice that you’re starting to overthink, like when your thoughts are racing and connecting together to create a huge story that’s never going to happen, stop yourself.
Tell yourself that you’re overthinking. Firmly tell yourself that fear is causing you to do this, and that fear isn’t real. The more you do this, the easier it will become, and the more you’ll believe it. [Read: How to stop overthinking in a relationship]
6. Learn to reason with yourself
If you’ve followed these steps, and you’re still having a hard time getting over your trust issues, you really have some thinking to do. Is your partner trying hard enough to help you get over your insecurities? Or are you just not able to deal with your partner’s active social life even after they constantly reassure you? Or finally, are you in a relationship where you just can’t deal with the insecurities anymore?
6. Know when you need help
It could be that you need a little help to overcome a traumatic event in your past that has caused you to have trust issues. Or, it could be that you need some help to boost your self-confidence. If you feel this will help you, don’t be afraid to reach out.
The strongest thing you can do is ask for help and it will allow you to start putting one foot in front of the other on the route toward a trusting and loving relationship. [Read: Relationship counseling – The signs you need it to save your love]
How to help your partner overcome their trust issues
Does your partner have trust issues in the relationship? If you’re having a hard time convincing your lover that you’re faithful and have no intentions of cheating on them, here are six ways to help that special someone in your life overcome their trust issues. [Read: The easy ways to make your jealous boyfriend not-so-jealous]
1. Open up to your lover
Your partner may feel insecure in the relationship if they believe you don’t communicate well with them. If your lover asks you about something, don’t give abrupt answers or one-liners. Instead, communicate and have a conversation.
2. Talk about your daily lives
Talk about your day, the little things you did and the people you interacted with. When your partner feels like they know what you’ve been up to when they weren’t around, it’ll help them feel more secure in love.
3. Introduce your friends
Introduce your lover to your friends, especially the ones your partner feels threatened about. Let your lover bond with them so they feel like a part of your circle of friends.
As long as your partner feels involved in your group of friends, they’ll feel less threatened by the attractive and touchy-feely ones. [Read: Does your boyfriend have a girl friend who touches him a lot?]
4. Show them you care
Shower your lover with compliments and reassuring words. Remind them just how much you love them and need them. Sometimes, your partner may feel insecure when they don’t hear those loving words often.
5. Talk about your secrets
Revealing a few secrets can instantly bring two people close. It happens all the time, between friends and definitely between lovers too. When your lover feels like they know more secrets about you than anyone else, they’d feel more special and reassured.
6. Don’t be aloof
Don’t get angry or annoyed when your lover unnecessarily craves your attention. Your lover is frightened you’ll leave them. Think from their perspective, and if you truly care about keeping your lover happy, help them through this difficult period. [Read: The power of your words and how it can make or break your relationship]
Be patient and work together
Irrespective of who’s having trust issues, you or your partner, you need to know that it can’t be flattened out overnight. It takes time, sometimes a week or two, and sometimes even a few months.
Building trust back into a relationship takes a lot longer than the time it took to lose the trust.
But if your partner is just not able to overcome their trust issues no matter how giving you are or how willing you are to bend over backwards or spill out your entire life to them, perhaps it’s time to seek help from a friend or a professional, or walk away for good.
Almost always, a partner with serious trust issues could start off meek and sad, but turn into a demanding lover who orders you around all the time.
Most controlling lovers start off by showing signs of insecurity, and no matter how much you give them, they’d always want more from you. [Read: 15 shocking and yet subtle signs of a controlling boyfriend]
Use these steps to help your partner get better, but if you feel like this isn’t worth the effort, perhaps, your own happiness may be more important to you than the success of the relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that though, it only helps you realize what’s more important to you.
Trust issues and the jigsaw puzzle of love
Not all relationships are built the same way. Some perfectly happy lovers are addicted to each other, while other perfectly happy lovers like keeping some space in between. Some lovers are monogamous, while others are swingers or live in open relationships.
All of us are unique and have our own wants from a relationship. But that doesn’t mean one relationship is better than the other. There is no perfect recipe for love. It’s as unique as the individuals in it. [Read: 16 ways to handle your partner’s controlling and manipulative behavior]
So if you’ve used all these steps on how to get over trust issues in a relationship and still have a hard time getting over your insecurities, perhaps the relationship you’re in isn’t the right one for you. You and your lover may be perfect individuals, but as a couple, both of you may not be the best fit in the jigsaw puzzle.
Sometimes, even two perfect individuals can’t create a perfect relationship no matter how hard they try.
[Read: 30 relationship rules you need to follow for a successful romance]
Use these steps sincerely and get over your trust issues, but if it’s still not working, you either need to try harder or walk away before you find yourself more hurt than ever.