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How to End an Affair and Get Over It Even If You Still Love Them

how to end an affair and get over it

Ending an affair is just as hard as any breakup, if not worse! Here’s how to end it and get over an affair, even when you still love them or miss them.

Okay, shit happens. You didn’t want to fall in love with that sexy somebody who ignited the fire in your pants, not when you’re already in love with someone else. And now you find yourself at a crossroad, wanting to know how to end an affair and get over it.

As shitty as you feel right now *deservedly so*, this can happen to the best of us. Even the best of us can go astray and tread into the wrong path. But are you truly ready to walk away from an affair?

Understanding how to end an affair just isn’t easy. it hurts like hell, and you can’t tell a soul about how you feel because it’s a secret relationship. And to make matters worse, because it’s a secret, it’s really easy to slip and get back again.

[Read: Why are affairs so hard to end? 12 reasons that make it so]

What you need to understand if you’re considering ending the affair

You may feel guilty about it, but like an addiction that’s hard to resist, an affair can control your life and eventually dominate it and tear it apart.

Wanting to end an affair is the first step, and it is the right one. If you’re determined to end an affair, we’ll tell you how to go about it the right way.

But you have to remember this, no steps or hand holding guide can help you out of an affair unless you make up your mind to end it in the first place. You may have started an affair by a twist of chance and fate, but only determination and strength can get you out of the irresistible affair.

How to end an affair when you’re in love with them – The things you need to do

Ending an affair takes time, and one of the biggest difficulties of getting out of an affair is the temptation of wanting to get back into it at the very first opportunity. It is an easy way out, after all.

Every time you have an argument with your spouse, it’s easier to walk into someone else’s loving arms than to work on improving a difficult relationship.

But an affair is never the answer to a failing relationship. Work on your own relationship, and if you see no hope for it, end the relationship instead of getting into an affair and confusing your already confused love life.

If you do want to know how to end an affair and have a happy life with your own partner, here’s what you need to understand. [Read: Affairs in a marriage and the big role of egos in it]

Do you understand the repercussions of an affair?

Sexual or emotional affairs can seem extremely exciting, but they’re really not. An affair is the easy way out because there are no emotions involved other than the superficial ones that crop up when you’re together. You may think you’re truly in love with your illicit partner, but you’re not.

It’s an escape for both of you. It’s not real life. You’re an idiot if you think spending a secret weekend together or a few hours everyday constitutes a full life together.

Real life is very different. And if you ever do get into a real relationship with your adulterous lover, you may experience the same relationship problems all over again.

Successful relationships need understanding and love to prosper and succeed, and every real relationship needs effort. And your adulterous lover may be sexy, fun or your emotional best friend. But how sure are you that they would definitely be the ideal partner for you, after seeing your warts and all? [Read: An affair fog and signs to know if you’re deeply under someone else’s spell]

Why are you having an affair?

Do you really love your own partner? Why are you having an affair, really? Ask yourself these questions and try to understand what you really need. If you’re happy in a perfect relationship with your partner, why are you having an affair with your adulterous lover?

Is it about the sex, or is it just an exciting change that makes you happy? Or do you feel more desirable and attractive because you’re being wooed by someone else? Or is it an emotional attachment because you don’t feel like talking to your partner anymore? Do you connect more with your affair partner than with your real life partner?

And are you willing to jeopardize your relationship and your life just to feel good for an hour of sex a few times a week?

[A confession you must read: The story of my affair with a married man]

Talk to a trusted friend for emotional support

An affair is like an exciting secret that you can’t wait to share. But yet, you have no choice but to keep it a secret.

If you really want to know how to end an affair, you need help from a trusted friend. Pour out your heart to a friend and tell them about everything and how you feel about it. Sometimes, talking to someone else can feel relieving. And it’s always a good way to get in a second opinion on how to end an affair. And let’s not forget the emotional support that you need at a time like this.

Bring the affair’s excitement into your marriage

What does your affair give you that your present relationship doesn’t? Is it the mindblowing sex, the intimate connection or is it the deep and true communication? Whatever it may be, your real relationship too has the power to have all of that, be it sexual or emotional.

Try to involve your partner in your life and try to be gently vocal about your thoughts. Let your partner understand your mind, and share your thoughts on your relationship, sexually or otherwise, and try to bring the affair’s excitement into your own relationship. By experiencing the same emotions, you’d soon see that an affair isn’t really giving you anything more but a bag of guilt and fear. [Read: 20 ingenious ways to keep your relationship really exciting]

Focus on all the reasons why you MUST end the affair

Make a list of all the things that you don’t like about the affair, be it the guilt, the fear, the remorse, or the lack of anything solid other than sex or a “fake” emotional connection. Spend a while and write down everything you can remember. Do you really have interesting conversations or is it all just about the sex?

You may think you’re in love your adulterous amour, but is it really love or is it just an escape from your boring or frustrating life? Read the list every now and then, when you’re missing your lover or waiting to hear from them. It’ll help you realize that you have more to lose than gain by indulging in this affair.

And as long as you’re trying to work on your own relationship and have a good time, you’ll see that an affair is only causing you more confusion and pain than anything productive. [Read: The 7 stages of emotional affairs and the games it plays in your mind]

Pick flaws in your affair

You may throw your weight around your own partner or throw an occasional tantrum now and then. Have you tried that with your lover? How would they react?

Try to incorporate your real life issues in your illicit relationship or pick flaws in it. If you can’t walk out immediately because you’re too addicted, see how your lover reacts to your outbursts.

Chances are, they’re no different from your own partner. As long as your illicit relationship revolves around sex or the occasional deep conversation, the relationship may seem exciting. But bring in a bit of real life into the affair, and you’ll see how illicit lovers change their behavior.

Now ask yourself, do you really need this?

[Read: Emotional cheating vs Friendship – When is the line crossed?]

Wipe away the signs of your affair

If you’ve made up your mind and understood that your real relationship is far more special and important than a love affair that lasts only between the sheets, it’s time to start wiping away the signs of your affair.

Does your lover have any pictures or videos that could put you in trouble? Or are there any other details that need to be wiped off? Be discreet, but thorough. Your mistress or “mister” may seem like a nice person, but seriously, you have no idea about their real personality because your entire relationship was only based on one aspect of life, not your whole life. [Read: Revenge sex – My own experience and everything I learned from it]

Get it to definitely end

It’s not easy but it’s something that has to be done. Speak with your other woman or man and tell them that you can’t live like this anymore. Talk to your lover about the guilt and the fear your affair is causing you. Be clear and get it to definitely end. Explain your thoughts and why you want to take this decision. And once you’re done explaining yourself, end all contact and try to stay away from each other.

Be firm, but not rude. You don’t want to upset your lover or piss them off into trying to blackmail you. [Read: The breakup conversation you can use to end your affair]

What do you do when you miss your ex a lot?

Listen, we’re all grown up here, so there’s no point sugarcoating it. You are going to miss your ex, and you will be hurting for a while. You’ll miss them more every time you see them, and you’ll desire them a lot more when you see them around someone else.

But there’s a very good reason why you decided to take this step. You have your own partner who loves you, and you love them. And you always have the list of reasons why you needed to end the relationship, to turn to.

It will be difficult, at least for a few months. But stick to it. You may think this is love, but in all probability, it could be an addiction. And just like an addiction needs self-control and lots of weaning away, this affair needs the same effort too. [Read: Are you in love with two people? What you need to understand?]

You’re having a hard time getting over your affair?

And why wouldn’t you? It was fun, exhilarating, and made you feel alive. It was everything your own relationship lacked. Or at least that’s what you convinced yourself throughout the duration of the affair.

But now that you’ve made up your mind to stay loyal to your partner, and end the affair for good, accept that this decision will be really hard. And at times, irresistible too, but just like a sugar addiction, you will get over it with lots of patience and a healthy dose of loyalty to your own partner.

Resist the temptation of getting back into the affair

You may want to know more about how to end an affair, but one of the biggest difficulties come after the affair is actually over. For a few weeks or months after you end the affair, you’d feel more vulnerable and the temptation to get back into an affair will be immense.

This is when you need to focus on your own relationship with your partner and avoid thinking about your lover. Keep yourself occupied all the time, and read your list of reasons behind why you wanted to end the affair. And whenever you get the urge to make that call or get together for a hookup, remember the effort you put into getting out of the affair. And let that not go in vain. It takes strength, and as long as you’re determined, you’d be able to get over your affair with a smile. [Read: How to resist the temptation to cheat again on your partner]

What should you do if your lover calls you? Or worse, wants you back?!

Learn to firm yourself up when your lover calls you. They may plead, beg or even force you to come back, but stick to your decision. If you feel bad about it, explain your feelings clearly and try to explain why this would be the best solution for both of you.

Don’t lose your cool. It isn’t fair on your part, to leave your mistress or other man in the lurch just because you grew a conscience. So give them the respect they deserve while explaining your stand to them. But then again, they did know you were already in a relationship or married to someone else BEFORE they entered into the relationship with you. So when the inevitable end of the affair does show up, it wouldn’t be surprise news to them too.

Your lover would know that an affair is wrong business too, so if you do explain your reasons, they’d have no choice but to accept to end it even if they pursue you for a while. [Read: How to stop being the side chick when you deserve to be the main woman]

Can you remain friends with someone you had an affair with?

Unless you really don’t see a choice here, try to avoid staying friends with someone you had an affair with. Look, staying friends with an ex is hard enough. Someone you had a secret relationship with… everything about it screams irresistible!

If you have to stay friends because of inevitable reasons, cool off for a decent amount of time, and even if you both do find yourselves alone and exchanging pitiful looks of lust, just keep it in your pants!

Should you confess about your affair?

Now here’s another tricky part that comes in after you figure out how to end an affair. Once you’re certain your affair is over, you may feel guilty about your immoral deeds, even if you’re happy in a successful relationship with your partner.

If your real partner has caught you cheating on them, you’ll be in a world of pain now. And if your real partner hasn’t caught you yet, you’re going to find yourself in a moral quandary. Either way, you’re going to be in troubled waters. So that’s a decision you need to take.

If you can’t make up your mind on whether you should confess, read should you confess to cheating on your partner or hide it to help you decide based on the circumstances and your partner.

Ending a love affair is never easy, but as long as you use these steps on how to end an affair and stay determined, you’d be able to have a happier love life with your real partner, real soon.

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Vin Serai
Vin Serai
A proponent of chivalry and romance, Vin Serai sees himself as a gregarious gentleman with an active imagination, who still manages to spend more time living in...

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64 thoughts on “How to End an Affair and Get Over It Even If You Still Love Them”

  1. Andrea says:

    It’s never easy to end an affair. I’m still in one and though I really know what the right thing to do is, it’s so hard. It’s like an addiction that can’t be overcome. This article has helped understand what I have to do, but unfortunately, I don’t think I can follow it with all my heart. It’s just too darn hard.

    I’m so afraid of ruining my marriage and losing my kids, but I feel so helpless. I just wish someone could help me through this. I’ve just lost all hope in ever getting back on my feet.

  2. Laurie says:

    I am married and have two kids and a grandchild. I have reconnected with a highschool man that I had a crush on in highschool. After reconnecting with him, he also told me he had feelings for me in highschool, but was too shy to approach me. We are now both 48 and both married to other people and each have two kids. We have been seeing each other for almost 3 years. We have tried, me mostly, to end this affair, but I am having a very hard time with it. I keep going back. We both still love our spouses, but care very much for eachother… I need some help, strength and courage to let this affair go for good. HELP!!

  3. minali singh says:

    I need help!!! I’m 20 years old. I was having a boyfriend from the last one year. Our relationship was good until now. We were not involved in any physical attachments but he has my nude and vulgar photos. Now he’s blackmailing me for that and saying that he will show it to my parents and others. I don’t want to be with him anymore but if I do so, then he will show the photos. I’m very tensed, please help me and tell me what should I do.

  4. AUD says:

    I’ve been having an affair in one way or another for years. The current man I have been seeing was telling me everything I wanted or needed to hear. Unfortunatly or maybe it has been for the better the man I was having an affair with chose to cheat on me. I have been so hurt and at a loss as to what to do. What I really need to do is walk away and get a grip on myself. It’s just so hard, and truly an addiction. I just need the strength to accept what I’ve done is wrong and have the strength to stay away.

  5. William says:

    I have been in an affair for seven years, I don’t feel guilty or ashamed, my wife cheated on me twice in our marriage, and “I” put all the effort into keeping it together, swallowed my pride, sucked it up, and never have receive any respect or consideration for my hurt. Our oldest daughter died, and my wife and I couldn’t talk about it. I met “her”, and she was there to help me through my grief. We became friends, best friends, and eventually lover’s. We have been best friends for seven years, it was never about sex, although the sex was, well, absolutely awesome, it was about our friendship, we could talk for hours about anything and everything, seven days a week, all year, for seven years, she recently broke it off, telling me she couldn’t handle the guilt anymore, I supported her, well not in the beginning, but that was just because of my selfish hurt, but I support her now. I love her, and am still IN love with her, and I hope she knows and understands, I will always be here for her, and would move heaven and earth on anything she wants. If your lover has to break it off, understand where they are coming from, and if you do love them, support them.

  6. davids says:

    This is a great and lovely post thanks again for this insightful post. This is an answer to my question “Why should i have an affair”. Hope more people see this

  7. Jason says:

    But affairs are so much fun!

  8. Anna says:

    Willam, if you love your lover so much, why don’t you get divorced to be with the love of your life.

  9. SON says:

    i am the only child in my family and my dad is having an affair out there and has been caught a few times already. he gives nonsense excuses and make stupid promises but until today he is still at it. This has really landed great impact on both my mum and my life. to you all irrational adults there who just cant stay committed in your marriage i hope you guys will see the light soon or just drop dead and face whatever judgements against you in the afterlife

  10. SON says:

    i am 17 and dont tell me that i’m just too young to understand or i just havent gotten that feeling you guys have that leads to having an affair with another person. I can tell when my family’s falling apart. with such a great mother i have who works so hard to keep this family out of financial worries while a foolish father who earns little and yet spends the money on someone else when he could just support us in anyway which would be appreciated. speaking my piece here, your children will face great disappointment, going through all that having to accept you are with another partner else than your husband/wife. it affects us deeply with constant depression and confussion whatever we do and wherever we are.

  11. SON says:

    speaking another piece here of my own, what you find in the other person you’re having affair with isnt true love! he or she is just someone to fulfill what’s lack in your marriage and you are just wasting that very person’s time keeping someone hanging onto you like that have you even thought that he or she could have found a better and supporting partner in future rather than you who’s always secretly spending time with that someone? you may even have their future spoiled and WOAH you claim that you LOVE them? IF you do, then let them go as it’d definitely be much easier and better for both parties since when it comes to love you’ll do anything to have your partner feel happy well then let them go so that they may enjoy better life than being with you.
    well if you guys define “true love” in a different way then maybe it’s better to let you know that you dont even need it in marriage. what you need to keep your marriage successful and forever would be commitment of both partners. when you’re in a relationship you may still fall for another person. but knowing that you’re married and realising your limits and responsibility towards the household you must NOT nurse that silly feeling you have towards the other.
    dont tell me that i’m too young to have all these said. i think you guys lack rationallity if you disagree

  12. Alexandra says:

    I am married with 3 kids and live abroad. I’ve had a tough time in the last few years but it never crossed my mind that I would fall for someone else or that I would ever cheat on my husband, until it happened recently, completely out of the blue. I wasn’t looking for it or expecting it, it just happened and at the time I felt like there was nothing I could do about it. I felt weak and I felt completely in love. We had an exciting time and I felt like I had been reborn. This man doesn’t live near me and is now abroad for work so I’m unlikely to see him again, but I have come to realise that I have been obsessed by him and it’s been making me miserable. I read this article yesterday and afterwards deleted all his texts and his phone number and although it was very hard, I now feel better and I want to get my marriage back into gear on every front. I still get butterflies when I think about “him” but that’s normal, it takes time.

  13. james says:

    Hi I am having an affair with a married woman ,why ? jesus I have read this article and now feel like a twat.
    I have fallen in love with this woman she lives in Ukraine and we made love the very first time we met(we had spoken a long time on Skype) but it was great so passionate.
    we went on holiday to Lviv for 5 days again it was beautiful have really fallen in love with this woman so much that I will buy a house for her.
    Then I went to meet her in Kiev but before I did her husband found out I think she wanted to be discovered she told me it’s like living with her brother and she is so lonely.
    We met in Kiev and again made love the next day she informed me that we were sexually incompatible so I said you best go home then but she stayed on the next day I returned home to the UK to a message on face book telling me not to contact her as she wanted to put her family first.
    Sorry I couldn’t belive it I behaved like a child and the next day I phoned her she skyped me later that day my god she was crying she informed me her husband had begged her to stay in front of the son and was crying .
    but she wanted to stay in contact with me I agreed and signed up on Skype as a female as he wants to look at her contacts.
    to cut a long story short we have been skypeing and leaving messages on face book we are meeting up on the 24 of this month he is off to odesser with his son and she will spend 2 nights with me.why dose life have to be so hard why couldn’t she be single.
    I have to be honest I have fallen in love with this woman and she is in love with me I have told her to divorce her husband but after reading what son has written on here I thik I have given her the wrong advice.
    her husband ask’s her dose she love him every day? he is spending money on her trying to win her heart back but it belongs to me sorry she has told me so.
    I feel very guilty on one hand but i’m so in love with her i’m not talking about sex here I’m talking love .help me please

  14. Spouse says:

    I have been betrayed by my wife, who decided to chase after some loser (many people actually choose affair partners who are inferior to their life partners, for some reason), and she has only recently come to realize the hoax that was their “love”. In ALL of these cases, affair partners are drugs, not people — it is an addiction that keeps people running back to them, not any true spiritual connection, which is why affair recovery is now treated in similar ways to drug addiction. One who is in an affair is not thinking clearly — he or she is in what is known as “The Fog”, and delusional ideas (such as having one’s spouse accept the lover as part of the family) suddenly seem reasonable. The affair partner (not relationship partner, because it isn’t a relationship in the adult sense of the term) gets the best that the wayward spouse can show, but both are living in fantasy, as neither has to deal with the worst side of the other. In the overwhelming majority of cases, affairs end when the fantasy ends — someone’s spouse finds out, the affair partner realizes that claims about the demise of the marriage are exaggerated, someone catches a sexually transmitted infection, etc. — and we are left to pick up the pieces. Please, regardless of whether you are the cheater or the affair partner, realize that no short-lived fantasy is worth the destruction that affairs leave in their wake. It can take a family two years or more to rebuild after one of these things, and despite the delusion of the cheater that nobody is hurt except for the “undeserving” spouse (they reframe the marriage in their minds to justify the cheating or tell themselves that they are made a better person by the affair), the impact of affairs spreads far and wide. Get out, and get out NOW. No excuses, no “It’s so hard” whining (as though it is easy for the betrayed spouse to fight through it all and stick with people who feel entitled to such loyalty), just a clean break and beginning of the recovery process.

  15. Kristen says:

    I have been with my husband for 16 yrs. He works away and I don’t see him all that much . He is a very non sexual and non affectionate type of man but is a really nice person. Recently a very very close friend passed away tragically and I was comforting her husband as I know him well and I was basically there trying to help him through his grief in a caring decent place in my heart and then one night I asked him does he need a cuddle and whilst holding him I had immense feelings of love take over me.
    I have now been seeing him regularly in a full on romantic affair !
    I know that no one would accept this , not my husband or child , none of our friends who knew his wife and not his kids . I would be hated by alot of people and I would cause a lot of hurt. I am trying to break it off and I find it impossible to push away something that you desire and love !
    I need help to find strength and inner peace again .

  16. WS says:

    I guess mine isnt so bad. I dont love him, its only sex, but the sex is amazing, better than I have felt in years. Its so selfish of me and this article showed me that. I need to concentrate on my husband and in comparison this idiot I am dating is a huge loser. Why do we have affairs with losers? Because it makes us feel in control, as if we are needed to help this person worse off. I was vulnerable, he zeroed in on it, I made a bad choice and now its time to cut ties. Thanks lovepanky, best site yet

  17. Carise says:

    For KRISTEN 😉

    I feel you and I am also in that kind of situation right now. But I just wanna ask you some questions Kristen. This is my first time actually. Now, that you are in this kind of situation and you are inlove with him, how can you just like to end things up with him? I mean, I know that what I am doing is not right but I don’t think about taking steps away from him, instead I wish that I could spend more time with him. What am I gonna do?

  18. Kristen says:

    For CARISE .
    I think it is only the correct thing to do !
    In order to make love work with him , I need to clean up my mess first!
    Starting with my marriage. I need to cut ties with my husband completely and I need to allow him ( my lover ) time to grieve and get his head in a better space for love.
    If it is meant to be , time will not stop us eventually being with each other !
    It’s only fair to everyone involved and the hurt is too enormous with a massive ripple effect . Can you really take that ??
    Good luck sweetheart it will be hard but worth it !!

  19. rhodessa says:

    I’m having an affair with a high school close friend. It’s a long distance relationship but we communicate almost daily through the facebook. It’s really hard to undo what we have started. I regretted sending him my nude pictures. It’s what really troubles me. I tried stopping the communication for two months but i just came back to him. I have a really good relationship with my husband and this made me so guilty. Thanks for this feature. It gives me the answers to my questions and has given me the determination and courage to end this illicit relationship.

  20. Erin says:

    I have been having an affair for just over seven months. I am recently separated which was not a direct result of the affair. My marriage was on the rocks for years it was only through this affair, and the fact that I had no guilt about it that i decided it was time. My husband was against marriage counseling even before the affair started. Now comes the crux of my problem, both of us in this affair are married even if I am currently separated. I have tried to end things a couple of times, it is so hard what we feel is not what we anticipated. We can go forever without having sex weeks and weeks but we can not go a day without talking or texting. He texts me every morning and every night and seventy -five times in between. We go to the movies, for walks, to museums, to wine tastings we go to dinner or lunch we just like to be together. When we are together no matter where we are we can not keep our hands to ourselves. Always have to be in physical contact with each other be it holding hands or he likes to rub my back if we are just in a book store. The sex? Well the passion ,the intensity and the quiet times when we just like to lay there and talk makes for encounters that we treasure. It is so hard before we were on kind of a level playing field now I am in the process of getting divorced and am starting to consider if I should just go my own way. The idea is literally crippling, the one time i told him i needed time to think he cried and was like he can not focus on everyday things, his chest hurts, he cant breathe. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we might have honestly fallen in love but is it even possible to fall in love with someone you stumbled into an affair with. I am so scared to end things but also terrified of how long this might truly last.

  21. k says:

    I have been having an affair with a much older man for 6 long years! I cant leave my husband and young children for a man 35 years older then me hes 75! God help me he’s my best friend! Lover! Sex partner! He is breaking it off with me after years of saying I was all he needed now he wants to date a woman his age! I’m torn up, jealous cant function feel sad and I don’t want to be that kind of mother! I just cant let him go! I want so bad not to need him but I guess it is an addiction a place to get away from all the troubles at home. He loves me and is having a hard time letting me go as well but it just cant be. What ever did I get myself into.

  22. Erin says:

    @ JAMES

    Unfortunately you did give her the wrong advice. No matter what her choice is to stay or to go it has to be HER choice. I understand you more than you know as you can see I am on here also. For me the ending of my marriage was long in the making before I met the man I am seeing. I weighed the options very carefully. Is it a good idea to stay just for my kids? The answer is NO! My kids both in the mid teen deserve to see a happy healthy relationship. I deserve to be happy and so does my husband. Truth is we were not happy for years but you get to a place where you go through the motions and it is easier to just stay. I will say that for me leaving was hard and is hard. I am not openly seeing this man as that would be totally disrespectful to my children and my ex-husband. You can not say end your marriage and live with me. It sounds like she has small children. This is not add JAMES and stir instant family. She needs to remember even if i think we all deserve to be happy whatever the case may be our children our casualties in this and as her children are young to go from her husband to you would be beyond disgusting. I also understand what SON was saying but let me say this having grown up in a broken home. You do not want to see and should not be privy to the inner-workings of your parents marriage, so while to SON he loathes the idea that a parent could cheat it is never truly cut and dry. Their are always two sides to a story. For you James I would say if you love this woman then the best thing you can do is step back and let the chips fall where they may. What is meant to be will be. The ball so to speak is in her court now. WHO AM I TO TALK RIGHT. Well I just gave my guy the same choice take some time away from me a few months try to fix what you claim is not capable of being fixed. Their comes a point when you claim it is love that you have to make a decision one way or the other. I hope I have been helpful.

  23. Rebecca Perrin says:

    Omg. I hate what I am reading. I had an accidental affair, with a man who has been faithful to his partner for almost 20 years and same with me. The sex is mind-blowing; the conversation almost as good! I will not leave my husband and do not want nor expect my lover to leave his wife. But the aftermath of being with him (we live in different countries and see each other every 8 weeks) is driving me crazy. I want to I be with him so bad I can’t think straight. I don’t know how to stop. I feel like I am a teenager again. I never thought this would happen to me EVER. When I read the references to “addiction” I couldn’t believe it – that is exactly the word I can use to describe him. HELP! I am hoping things will just run their course and I can carry on, whatever that means ……

  24. Celeste says:

    I am 34 married with two kids. I Have been having an affair with a 26 year old and its been awesome. Just leave all your stress at home and go have fun…but as with most things that are wrong, it has to end. How do I tell this guy that I have had fun, but I love my husband and am stopping this, without hurting him too badly?
    It is an addiction, but, unfortunately one that you have to deal with yourself, and its driving me boinkers. Want to leave him….but dont…
    How should I tell him its over when its so good?

  25. Jeanette says:

    I am involved in an extramarital affair with a married man. He is 36 with a son and I am 31 with a son. He is my addiction. We liked being together, going places and the intimacy is intense. We both know it’s wrong because we are married, but like each other and don’t want to stop. I am a Christian woman and never ever thought I would be in this predicament. We work together and I felt an instant attraction that I had to pursue. I have to break it off because my marriage is suffering and I don’t want it to end in divorce, putting my son through what I went through growing up. I don’t want to break up my lover’s happy home neither. He is my addiction, but it is dead end. We don’t want to leave out spouses. It is extremely painful, but I know what I have to do for the greater good.

  26. Heather says:

    I have been involved in an affair for 7 years. It has ended today and I am heartbroken. I have been married for 26 years and have grown children. I have not had sex with my husband for over 7 years. I know I will not be getting back with my liver as we live on different continents now. I am hurting like hell right now and don’t know what to do

  27. Rae says:

    Yesterday my lover ended our 5 year affair. When we started we were both married. He in a sexless, loveless marriage with 2 kids (one in university the other a pre teen) and I in a sexless, emotionally devoid marriage parenting 2 teens. When I initially took up with MM I had been 8 years without any emotions from my husband. He does not hug me, we do not kiss and he shows no emotions towards me whatsoever. We get along very well! Our kids are great! We parent well and we rarely ever argue! He provides well for our family. And he is a great person. We have been together over 20 years. He never was a fellow that outwardly showed his affections. My MM that I took up with was in a loveless marriage. He felt trapped and was doing “the right thing” for the family by staying. Last year he finally made the break and filed for divorce. He says he needs to have a more normal life. His situation changed and that evolution of our lives has us here. I know heaps about this MM. I have been his confidante his lover and his support system for 5 years! I am very sad it’s over. I love him. He knows this. We had a very civil conversation and while I understand all he said it doesn’t take the sting away! More than that I am going to have to navigate my life back into the abyss of loneliness. How does one recover? I hope time. I see this MM weekly as he is a prominent person in my daughters life that until June I am unable to change! I am grateful that he showed me that I am desirable. I am beautiful and I am worthy. He said don’t underestimate yourself. He values me and he thanked me for all my support. Where does one go from here? Back to just the day to day grind and eternal loneliness? I won’t have another affair. It’s not the answer. Just wish the magic 8 ball could provide me with some concrete answer.

  28. tabitha says:

    i am in a relationship with a married man. i am 27 and he is 51. our relationship has gotten soo deep and i love being with him but i know i can’t be with him the way i would want. i need to end this but i don’t want to.

  29. Angelica says:

    Hi Heather. My heart goes out to you. My 7 month affair ended last night. I am a mess. An emotional mess. I went from euphoria to absolute nothingness. From the light of my life to complete and utter darkness. I feel lost. More alone than I can ever describe. There are just no words for the depth of pain and despair and emptiness. My lover is 15 years older than me. Our chemistry was like no other either of us has ever experienced before. The sex was out of this world, crazy, intense, passionate, beautiful. We connected and bonded so deeply. He made me feel special and beautiful. I made him feel like he was a real man, the centre of the universe, the king of the world. We both needed to feel special. I had known him before the affair started and always felt an emotional connection. He felt lust initially but grew to truly care for me. I not only looked forward to the incredible sex but to our conversations and how we laughed together about everything. We had so much fun. And now it is all cut off. Like it was a dream that never truly happened. And I am left picking up the pieces of what is left of that floating cloud that I called my happy place. I am now faced with a brutal reality and do not want to see that reality. My lover was my escape, my calm in turbulent waters, my fantasy come to life where everything was beautiful and perfect and in the moment. Nobody else existed except us. The world just went away. Now the world is hitting me like a ton of bricks and I no longer have any defences. Being in an affair is addictive. Because you feel so good and you feel so special and you feel euphoria and elation. Who wants that taken away from them? My lover could not handle the guilt anymore. He could no longer sleep and function. The affair was taking over. He felt he needed to work on his marriage and could not do that while he was seeing me. I told him I was falling in love with him and it is true. But there is nothing I can do if he has made his decision. I tried my best. I begged him. I tried to convince him to stay. I almost succeeded but his conscience reared its head again. He is going away with his wife for awhile on vacation and maybe he thought this would be a good time to break up as we would both be away from each other. But I need to see him at work and there is no way we can go no contact. So seeing him is going to make it much more difficult to move on. My heart is with him and always will be. The chemistry we have will never ever be duplicated with anyone else… for either of us. We have both said so. It is sad to have to say good bye to that kind of magic. So sad it must be allowed to die. When it was everything. Meant everything. And now it is just nothing. Empty nothing. I am not sure how I am going to go on. I think of his smile and adore it. It will no longer be for me. The twinkle in his eye when he looks at me will no longer be just mine. The way he said how beautiful I am and how beautiful my eyes are…. I will hear these things no more…. ever again for the rest of my entire life. I am not dead. Completely DEAD. My happy place is forever lost. I tried to cling to it for dear life but I lost it.

  30. Jasmine says:

    @ alexandra
    I am in the same situation as you are I am having an affair with a co worker, I have 3 beautiful children and a husband we have been married for 9 years and I have with with my affair for about 8 months…. my husband and i don’t have a very good relationship we have always been fighting but we have always worked it out, I had always thought about leaving him but he is not a bad person i know that but before having this affair i had never even thought about anyone sexually or looked at any one in any sort of way… i don’t know what happen i don’t know why but it did, I have tried to end this but I can’t, we work together and I have to see him every day,,,, it is hard, my affair is a really nice person too, we talk a lot, not only about sex, it feels like I have 2 different lives. in a way the affair has helped me a lot with my marriage we now communicate better, have better sex, play around more… some times i think having an affair has helped me a lot with my marriage and think I should just keep doing it, I don’t feel regret, I feel like i am just 2 different people…. but what do i do… I feel like my affair is not hurting anyone… I don’t feel like im falling in love with my affair, nor i feel like my affair is falling in love with me, should i just let this affair go on? or should i stop it and work more on my marriage.?

  31. Sally says:

    I’ve been married for 12 years, but we haven’t had sex for over 9. Had lots of problems and I wasn’t in love with him when we met. I met a man, over 2 years ago now. He’s married with a 16 and 17 yr old. We started having an affair very quickly and fell in love. Talked about a future together, but he said he could only see me around work and family. I would do anything to see him, despite having a husband, home and a daughter who still lives with me. I feel like a mistress in some ways. He says he’s wants his son to finish his GCSE’s which I understand. But he keeps saying he can’t get his head around leaving his kids. I am very insecure and get so jealous as I wonder if it’s because he really still loves his wife, he says they don’t have a marriage and are only together because of the kids. How do I know if that’s true? How can we even get to know each other properly when we hardly see each other. It’s not just about sex, but we see each other so seldom. When I get upset or try to end it he acts as if I’m silly to get upset and that he loves me and we will be together soon. I don’t want to wait forever. I hate having an affair. But I am. He has been honest about a lot of things and says he doesn’t lie to me. But isn’t our whole relationship a lie. Despite my husband treating me disgracefully I feel bad about this. I honestly thought my MM and I would have been together by now. Be honest and adult and allow everyone to move on. His kids aren’t little anymore, will he ever get his head around leaving them? How long do I wait? I’m very depressed and sad, can’t stop thinking. He says I think too much! How do I interpret that. He doesn’t communicate very well and things that there is no point making plans until the time is right! It’s doing my head in! Any comments? Apart from ‘stop having an affair?

  32. LaBroDi says:

    I have been married for 5 years but with him for 7 years. I have an awesome husband. He provides for our family and never stop trying to make a better future for our family. I am also a few years older than him and have a different background than he does so my way of thinking is a conflict. I come from a place where being faithful was never who I was until I met him. Our jobs cause us to be a part but never longer than a few weeks in the past but now that he has been gone for several months, I have fallen for a married man. This man is someone I work with but not in the same location. We were cool prior to the affair. He showed interest in my career plans which is very attractive to me. He is a man who also believes in wanting success in life. Well we decided to give into the sexual desires we had for each other and it has been an emotional roller coaster ever since. Neither of us are going to leave our spouse but the thought of us knowing it has to end when my spouse returns is overwhelming. I know I would never be with this man under any other circumstances but I really believe he is my twin flame. We plan rendevous’s and is planning another soon but I have decided not to go through with it. It hurts like hell because we mesh so well together but I think it’s only for the moment type thing. I thought I was in love with him but he is more of a void filler. I never thought this would happen again but I guess some things never change! I will be losing a great friend but I also believe that if we can’t be lovers we can’t be friends! Oh well!

  33. D says:

    I am going thru the same thing. My AP let me go to pursue a serious relationship. My husband found out about my affair and wants to get passed this and move on My H and I are in a sexless marriage . I cant leave him , 2 young children and financial reasons. I am heartbroken that the affair is over. We feel like we fell in love with each other… and the chemistry is soooo strong. I dont think ill ever get over him. He is kind, supportive, and our chemistry is through the roof.
    He is dating another lady, but we both still miss each otner tremendsly. He doesnt want to cheat on her, so we talk occasionally. This is probably making it harder for me to get over him. When will this end? I feel like im going t8 be lonely qnd unsexually satisfied forever

  34. Sad says:

    I entered into an affair with my “soulmate” 3 yrs ago, and after trying to end it a few times he finally ended it for good a month ago. We are both married with children, mine grown, his teenagers and he decided to focus on making his marriage (his 2nd) work. I am crushed.
    I often thought about leaving my husband for him, although we never discussed it openly. I suspect his feelings were not as deep as mine and now that we are over, I think that was defitnely the case. That alone hurts more than you can know. I loved our time together, the intimacy, the conversation, the sex, all those loving moments. I am very sad and miss him terribly. I just want the pain to end and want to try and move forward.
    I keep reading about trying to renew your marriage however my problem is that I don’t really want to, I want to be with my lover. So, how do you turn that around? My husband is a good man and we have been married for 30yrs but I yearn for my lover.
    How do you stop loving someone (espectially when part of you doesn’t want to)? How you you accept it is over when you don’t want it to be?
    I am lost and in need of support…..

  35. L says:

    i just sat and read most of these stories..its funny how us women all feel the same way within our affairs..we feel beautiful sexy and wanted..i too am in a relationship with a married man, its been 2.5 years and i am going through all the same emotions as you people are..i have tried to end it several times and even went 8 months with no contact…i just cant seem to let him go..i wish i could..i dont know what it will take but to be with him is not good for me..it makes me sad that i can not be with him when i want..does he really love me, i doubt it or else we would be together…do i really want a life with him, i dont know…i wish i could find some answers..:(

  36. EA says:

    I have read all the comments and I also agree with how you are all feeling. I have been having an affair with a co worker for a year. I have tried to end it but can’t. I have been in a relationship for 4.5 years And he is due to get married in 2 months. I care for him deeply and I know he feels the same. The last time i tried to end it he had a go at me and said I have just left him and how he thought he could trust me. we agreed to chat but carried on things. He says it won’t changed anything when he’s married but I don’t think I can do it. He said he loves her but not in love with her. I don’t know what to do we connect on so many levels . Should I lfinish it and just move on. What do I do because i work with him. Ahhh

  37. Rachel says:

    It is good to know there is a site to read and be connected to on so many levels. I met my MM at work(we both are not working there anymore) and he made it clear how he only wanted sex with me. It took a while to say ok yes that I only want the same thing. I’m married too. We both have kids. We don’t text on talk on the phone. We meet up every 3 weeks in a motel to have sex. When we are together it does seem like I’m in another world. I don’t think about anyone or anything else. I never ask him about his wife and their sex life but I did ask him about me and hoping I am the only person he is with besides his wife. He said I give it to him more then his wife does. My husband no longer attacks me sexually and have not had sex with him in a very long time. Having sex with my MM is the best feeling ever. But reading this ” How to End an Affair and Get Over It” has open my mind. I will need to end this soon and the bottom line it will hurt. There is no way out. The thought of never feeling the passion and sexy blows my mind. I know I’m not in love with my MM but he feels me up in the area of my sex life that I am missing. My husband is not great in bed and I will miss my MM. But it’s us ladies that have to end the relationship with MM. Just think we will lose more then we will gain when they are married.

  38. Judy Thompson says:

    I always knew I was adopted,but I did not know why.

    My dad stepped out on his wife and my two half sisters with my mom.

    I ended up in an orphanage back in the 60’s when single women could not get welfare and keep their babies.

    Is an affair really worth it? I lost everything because of someone stepping out.

  39. Smiles says:

    Today i fell back into the affair I claimed to have ended. I am glad to read that I am not the only woman who feels weak when it comes to the “other man”. I am married to a wonderful man, I have confessed to him that I was talking with another man online, but I held back a little on the truth, I will not tell him who this man is because they know each other and we all train at a boxing gym… thats how this whole thing started… My “other man” was my coach. He is married also and has been for 25 years, he states they havent been happy in a very long time, I never ask about his marriage or talk about it. Ne-ways we are going on two years now and most of our encounters have been online,at the gym or of course the parks…we have never had sex but have messed around a few times. He does not pressure me in any way, I am attracted to him because he is an older very sexy man who is very accomplished,dedicated, smart and not afraid to take chances thats what gets me!! I have called it off so many times, my husband forgave me for having this emotional affair, but I feel so horrible that I started it again knowing how much pain it has caused my husband…. why do I continue????? the answer is my selfishness …. I have tried to end it so many times but i just go back to the same thing….it is an addiction a bad habit.. I dont want it but I do..I hope that this madness ends…I dont want to lose what I have been blessed with and that is a wonderful husband and beautiful children. I never thought this would happen, it was easy to fall into but hard to get out of…

  40. brokenhearted says:

    Well over the last week I have ended my affair and can honestly say my heart is broken. We work together and just clicked from the start, we both fought our feelings for each other for 18 months before anything happened, and its now been 8 months since we first kissed. We have never had sex but we share an amazing bond and know everything about each other. I dont think his marriage is unhappy, however mine is and I am about to separate from my husband. I.need a fresh start because I dont love the man I married, and the man I do love is married to someone else. I have told my affair partner that I love him but that its just not enough. We are both devastated, i just wish that someone could tell me when this awful, heartbroken feeling will end. What a mess – Ive never hurt so bad. I have read lots of forums and Im hoping that I will realise what a lot of them advise, that affair love isnt real and that i will heal. Right now it is so raw that its almost unbearable. I think we have a very deep connection that will be hard to replace. I hope that everyone on here finds peace in their hearts – these feelings of utter pain surely cant last forever x

  41. Sad says:

    Response to brokenhearted – it’s been 3 mths since my affair ended and my heart still hurts. Loving somone you can never be with is soul destroying, plain and simple. I chose to do the “right” thing and stay married. I chose to hurt myself, rather than all my family and friends. I hope in the end it is worth it. The pain does subside somewhat, but never really goes away. Good luck..

  42. Mona says:

    I need some help to deal with a affair break up..I am married with 3 kids.. I was so happy before this man came in my life. At first i resisted him throw away his phone number many times but he’d kept on pursuaing me until i succum.. We have only met a few times kisses and make out in the most intimate ways..Never had sex with him..So he’s mad at me for not having sex with him..He just stop all communications with me 3 weeks ago . He ignores me when we passed each other at work entrance. He never reply to my fb messages anymore. I’m hurting so bad inside i cried every day at work i missed him so much i don’t know what to do..As i’m writing this i feel so lifeless and down. I’m afraid to go to work soon as i enter the building all these feelings comes to me. We’ve been seeing each 4 months now..I want to get out but it hurts so bad i don’t know how to deal with it, i can’t talk to anyone about it. Please i could use some good advice and friends.. Help me please!!

  43. Wimpie says:

    People… play with fire, and your fingers will get burned… I was married, have a daughter of 5 years old… My wife started seeing an older man, not because we had a shortage of sex, but she wanted the experience… When the whole story came outm he ran away and didn’t want to face me… He posted nude photos of her on the internet, and when I said I wanted a divorce, she committed suicide… Who is left with all the hurt and heartache? Not him… He doesn’t feel nothing… I’m left with all kinds of emotions, my daughter is left without her mom, and I have to explain why… If you are not satisfied with your partner, get divorced, and get a life… But, are you willing to live with a concience if something horrible happens like in our case… Grow up ppl!

  44. saf says:

    i have been involved with this married lady for the past 7 or 8 months. Initially it was only lust but gradually it become something more, something i wasn’t thinking that it would ever developed into. I caught feelings for her, we have had sex a couple of times but we had fooled around more. she made me feel good i made her feel special. Im btw 27 and she is 41 and has two kids, married. a couple of weeks ago, all of a sudden she didn’t want to this anymore, i tried to convience her to stay but she said that she didn’t feel what i felt and wants to work on her marriage and kids. Now im devastated im having these panic attacks and its ruining my life. i can’t concentrate at work i can’t do anything, i went to see my doc she tried to put me on some meds but it made it worse. im not i dont know what to do i want her a lot, i dont want to feel like this im at my breaking point. i dont enjoy anything anymore, my family is suffering because of me, i go out with my friends and i dont enjoy and im basically fucked i dont know what to do. i pleaded to god to help i have been reading a lot but nothing really is helping. How could someone be into you so much and in a heart beat just drop you. i have her pics on my phone i have been to her house everything reminds me of her im going nuts! please help if you can!!

  45. Anthony says:

    I’m married for 20 years now. I have been having an affair for over 9 months with a lady with whom I dated when I was young. She’s been divorced several years, three grown children and is now been engaged for 12 yrs. I never stopped loving her. She and I have everything in common…, very unfortunately, my wife and I lost a child at 4 months. We have both suffered heart attacks, and she suffered a stroke 4 yrs ago. Our intimacy went to zero after our daughter was born. Not to mention, she has lost all affection for me. Now…, the other woman…, she and I have had several rendezvous in the past 9 months. However…, she is beginning to feel guilty about this affair and has now cut me off completely. No txts, no calls no contact whatsoever. HELP!! I am deeply in love with her. I’m a train wreck knowing that she has decided to say goodbye without saying it. As I said, I’m deeply in love with her.

  46. XYZ says:

    I am married for 18 years. Happy married life but lacking the excitement right from the beginning. It was an arranged marriage. I got emotionally involved with my coworker. He had all those qualities I wanted to see in my partner. Though it was onesided, I was getting more and more involved and was feeling guilty at the same time for having deep feelings for a another man. I decided to quit the job. It was the toughest decision in my life. Feeling of being jobless and not being around this man anymore was dreadful. Fortunately found another job. I could not stop thinking about him. In my subconscious mind, I at least wanted to let him know my feelings for him. First time in my life I felt so strong for some one. I tried my best not to tell him but in my week moment I did it. I though I would be relieved if I opened up. The guy never contacted me back. At least I realized that he did not care about it at all. That helped me to get out of it faster. Though it left a permanent scar on my mind but I moved on!

  47. j says:

    hi, call me jana. i am in my late thirties, still single but currently in a relationship for almost 5 years now with a married man whose age is twice of mine. I love the man so dearly that I could not ever afford of losing him though I already tried so many times of breaking up with him, the pain is so unbearable that by just thinking of losing him tears me apart. I see the man as the man so perfect for me. I know he loves me too and he is doing everything for me, protects me and our relationship, keeping it so discreet so we would not get caught by his wife or our relationship wont be a public knowlegde. He makes a call or texts everyday, paid my monthly bills, give me allowance and give everything that I asked from him. He is also planning to buy house and lot for me and have a family with me. But

  48. j says:

    But I know that what we’re doing s wrong. He is a responsible husband and the best father to his kids. I am just so confuse lately, do u think this relationship would last forever? should i continue holding on to the love we are sharing? Im happy with him, contented.. but everytime he is in his family having a good time, I am so broken. Everytime he has something for his family and planning a trip with his wife, I am so hurt. I dont know what to do, either to stop or keep the relationship. My intention is not to ruin is family.. I just love the man, but it hurts me 🙁 anyone who could enlighten my mind on what best should i do, pls? 🙁

  49. Judith Moir says:

    Hi all, I have read all your letters with great interest, I am a wife that has been cheated on, it has helped me to understand more about the reasons for the cheating, why the going back after him trying to end it. I can see now it is an addiction, excitement, attention, etc. I have spoken to this woman my husband is involved with a few times, he has lied to her from the start, told her I had run off with another man, He is still lying to her 3 years later & she is still believing him. She has lied just as much to him, He has created the most amazing lies for me. The last 20 years we have had a good marriage( so he kept telling me and so I thought) except for his occational affairs prior to that, always ending after I found out, not this time though, he just keeps going back. this woman is single, well versed at affairs, had 3 marriages, they knew each other as young teens,now hash over old times to keep feeling young,and the affair alive, she tells him he is as handsome now as he was when he was 16. she texts him up to 30 times a day, he loves the attention, I tried giving attention to him but it’s never enough. If you want to feel guilt, try ending a marriage when your husband has two major cancers and is cheating on you, “she” doesn’t want to look after him, every time he gets really sick I’m left to care for him, our kids are worried sick how all this will end up. I have wanted out of all this selfish, self gratifying crap he lives in, NO NO NO he cries, I can’t live without you, it’s all over, I love you and my family, He get’s a bit better and they are on again. We have been married 50 years, have had a good sex life, we get on well. I have wasted over 50 years of my life on a loser. I haven’t heard one person mention how important “trust” is in a relationship, commitment or respect. If you love someone enough to want to stay married why treat that person so badly, it’s hard to be the one to pull the plug on a marriage even when you have been cheated on, because it affects so many family members, all these people hurt, not just you or me. Man up and take control of your life, if your not happy in a relationship/ marriage, get out of it. self indulgence to feed your own needs and to hell with everyone else is not the answer to a happy life. There is no happiness to be found in creating hurt and misery for others.

  50. catherine says:

    I love my husband, he is my soul mate but this year I had an affair, now I have to end it and I feel so sad. I don’t love my lover but I could. I need to end it now before I get in any deeper. its like he has two personalities a public one and a private one and its the private man I like so much and feel grief for, because when this ends I wont get to see that side of him.
    I know the reasons for the affair, I have had a lot of personal tragedy this year and its all been about claiming back some control. I recognise that and have worked though it, with help of a trusted friend and some counselling, I just wish I didn’t feel such grief and loss. this is a helpful article but I found the comments the most helpful.

  51. Noreen says:

    My husband is a perfectly good man, we have 3 children, but somewhere something had collapsed between us, our communication with each other was 0, our sex life was nil, and i dont know how i got into an affair, and its the most painful thing for me………., I am not able to handle 2 lives at one time, I never thought i would cheat on my husband, but i have and the worst part is i am not able to get out of my affair, it breaks me to even think what i shall go through……….. if i end it, at times though its really bad, i wish i my husband drops dead and i find an eas route out of my marriage…………..

  52. Marcy grey says:

    I’m been in a relationship for 7 years glad to know other women are going through he same thing. The problem is my affair is 4 years now and it feels good with him. I tried to break it off but it’s so hard I love him. Help

  53. Fearful Me says:

    I don’t know where to start. I would like to thank all of you and your comments. Now, I wish to start off with I have a great husband who loves me dearly and gives me the world. I’m have strayed away from my happy marriage of 27 years. I never meant to have an affair with my high school sweetheart ( soulmate) we both list our virginity to each other and still have this close bond as if we are 16 again. He is divorced of 14 years with two teenage daughters 19 & 16 and have a very close relationship with his ex wife. He house sits when she’s out of town and he takes her car in for repairs and invites her to his work events but tells me that they are just good friends and it should be this way because they have kids together. He tells me that his ex wife have a boyfriend and don’t spend much time with her teenage daughter and therefore he’s like the mom and dad for his girls. I’m married of 27 years no kids, I have never stepped outside of my marriage and thought I never would and thought it was the worst thing a person could do to there spouse, especially if your spouse is a good person like mine. My affair partner lives in another state ( same state as my parents). I see my parents once every two months as well as my affair partner. I never meant to fall in love with my affair partner it was just a friendship relationship at first, until made the mistake of inviting him to my hotel room to meet up after not seeing him for 30 years it was just like in high school. He didn’t change at all just older and a lot wiser and a great conversational and best lover ever. It was love at first sight. We talked for hours that night and the next thing I knew he was all over me, I didn’t stop him and I don’t know why but I love how gentle and tender he was with me. I woke up the next morning crying and asking myself , how could I allow another man to touch me? I felt so guilty I apologize to my affair partner and said I was sorry and to please forgive my action as this is not me. I have values, morales and a husband who loves me. My affair partner apologized and said he just could not resist and he understand and respect my feelings. I had to leave and return home the next day and I could not look at my spouse as I went outside our marriage and broke our vows, here I’m today two years into my affair with my partner. How did this happen? Where have the time gone? I have tried numerous times to break it off with him and he has given me so many opportunities as well, my affair partner tells me, he know I will never leave your husband but I find myself telling him to give me more time to think about my situation. I don’t want to lose my affair partner as I have fallen in love with him and nor do I want to lose my spouse of 27 years. I know you are all saying that I’m selfish and I know this is selfish of me but what I’m I to do. I love them both, my affair partners says my spouse is the luckiest man in the world to have such a great wife and he wish I was his wife, my affair partner has offered his home to me a car and to help me find a job if I would just move there to his state. There are qualities that my affair partner have that I love but there are things that I don’t like ( he smokes, he shoots straight from the hip, he have very expensive taste and is very jealous of others and often tells me that I’m too damn spoiled) whereas my spouse is easy going, does not smoke, very quite, allows me to have anything I want in the world and tells me how I deserve it so to treat myself, he’s easy to please. However, my
    spouse does not please me sexually, he tells me I’m sexy and how beautiful I look and that he’s is so luck to have me and of course I feel like a heel. My spouse have gained weight over the years and sex is not fun with him any more, I’ve asked my spouse to lose weight and I even mention lets try new positions in bed, this is where it gets boring with my spouse. Now, my affair partner have taken me to another world in this area and don’t mind experimenting and love the fact that I’m not affraid to try new things. I must admit that my affair partner is a great lover but that does not warrant throwing away 27 years of a great marriage. My affair partner is becoming more demanding of my time and wants to spend all holidays, birthdays together and his girls have gotten use to me being around. I don’t want to ruin my marriage nor do I want to disappoint my affair partner and his girls. My affair partner is suffering from depression as he’s mentioned to me he’s tired of coming home to an empty house more or less a empty bed everyday and that I need to make a decision ( I can’t have my cake and eat it too). I want to be with him and I want to be with my spouse but I know I have to do the right thing and that is break it off with my affair partner as I could not hurt my spouse who is a good man but just don’t please me in bed. I just need to find the right moment to tell my affair partner that I can’t continue to live two different lives. My affair partners birthday is in a few days and he’s looking for me to visit with him on Valentine’s Day, I can’t leave my spouse alone on V-Day. I just need to figure out the best approach, I will miss our everyday talk, text and phone sex conversation as well but I can’t sell out for my own selfish sex satisfaction. I married for better or worst, sickness and or health, till death do us part. I will not be able to see him for Valentine’s Day and this is going to break his heart. I need to do this soon, I know I’m going to be lost and hurt as I’m so attached to him and often thought about just running away with him than I think of my spouse and all that we endured over the past 27 years which have strengthen our marriage. Help please. I know this is the right thing to do but I really don’t want to lose my affair partner.

  54. Toti says:

    I just ended, least i think i ended my affair of close to two years , just yesterday 12/28/14. It was the worst thing to have to do. I feel like this man is the person im suppose to be with. He’s married and so am i, we met about 3 years ago. I got the job as secretary and he was a supervisor there. From the moment we laid eyes on each other it was like instant connection. What’s crazy is we both knew it, cause we would always talk about it. Before we actually started having an affair, he would talk about his hobbies with me , fishing and hunting, or just anything really. All was innocent in the beginning. Oddly enough there were times where he would stay away from me, like days at a time. I’d wonder why of course. Little did i know he was trying to stay away cause he knew he was developing feelings for me and so was I. Unfortunately, we could no longer fight the urge. So we have been having an affair up until yesterday. Course by this time, he’s already left his wife, staying with a roommate, and did express to me well in the beginning part of our relationship that he never really loved his wife, he mostly stayed because of their child together, who is now 12 or 13. I asked how he could deal being with somone he didnt love for 10 years. He mentioned he just kept himself busy with his hobbies and just being occupied. Now my husband is a good man too, and boy since he found out about all this, he has been trying to fight to win me back. (I know some of you maybe in shock) and well honestly it’s me who’s in shock. I surely never thought in my wildest dreams that my husband said he would forgive me and for us to move forward. Which i think at this point i am ready to move forward. I told my husband all my lies and deceit and hurt. He’s been very supportive, and i know i made the right decision. I will always , though, have in the back of my mind what coulda been with my lover. I felt we might have had sooo much potential as a great couple. i feel somewhat torn and ,yes, it truly is like a crazy addiction. You want it so bad and you know you shouldnt but you still want it. I really do hope this is the end with my lover. Im not perfect and feel i could give in to him if he calls. But something tells me he will not be bothering me anymore. Guess i kinda feel wishy washy with my feelings right now. God knows im praying for strength and determination. My heart goes out to everyone here.

  55. Anna says:

    Hello All. Thank you for sharing your stories. I have been searching for support and it is hard to find it. Obviously, having an affair opens oneself up to a lot of judgment. I used to be judgmental too. My parents each had affairs when I was a child. I know how much pain it can bring into the family system. I never thought I would stray. I now have a new perspective. Marriage can be incredibly difficult. While there are a lot of similarities among our stories, each of our stories is also unique. We cannot generalize, we cannot judge. We don

  56. James says:

    I can only hope my affair partner is not suffering like so many of you are. I feel in love with her and want only the best for her, and if she is suffering like I am and so many of you are then I truly feel bad. We ended things because it was to much, we cared to much, and yes the sex was beyond words.

    It was however starting to ruin our other lives and create distance between us and our spouses so we had to stop. Hardest thing I have ever done, and even a year later I still often think of her and wonder how she is. We cannot be together and have even made it impossible for either of us to contact the other again but I know I will miss her for the rest of my life.

    In many respects I wish that I had never done this as the hole that exists in my life is no so large but when I was with her I felt so alive. Which is something I don’t regret feeling. I don’t think I will ever stop loving her or wishing things could have been different.

  57. Helen C says:

    I have made the decision to quit the affair I’m in. I owe it to myself and my family, this person consumes too much of my precious time and energy. We’re both married (he 15 years my senior) and work in the same office. There’s been a spark for a few years and some texting in between, but after returning to my normal job after a secondment the feelings were still there. I pursued it, he didn’t reject it and we’ve been meeting for sex every so often. There’s no real emotional attachment, although he has told me he loves me so it should be easy to walk away?? Unfortunately not, everytime I text and don’t hear back from him, I delete his contact details and tell myself to leave him be. But then he’ll text telling me how amazing I look. He says his wife doesn’t have a sexual connection with him anymore and my husband is pretty controlling.we both agreed we wouldn’t leave our partners for each other so a clear boundary was set, I’m just kicking myself that I didn’t set a boundary for ending it- that we would at least have the respect for each other to say enough is enough. So I text and don’t get replies quite often, that’s fine but this should be enough for me to decide he’s not worth my time or energy. I need to crawl back any self respect and worth I have and call it a day with him, but not replying to texts isn’t closure. I’d rather him text back to say, we need to talk or this has to stop. I need to man up and let him know this can’t carry in. It will hurt me so much more as the , admiration for work and and beautiful comments he has paid me is what I’ve always wanted from my husband. Perhaps my husband isn’t the right one for me, bit neither is this other person, who has really only used me to pander his own ego… Who’s going to turn down advance of a young women 15 years their junior?? There’ll never be another one of him, but deep down I know there’ll be another 10 of me. He doesn’t deserve any aspect of me. I need to bear that I mind, that will become my mantra over the next few months.

  58. angie says:

    If you love her and miss her why cause so much pain for both of you. Tell her this even if your married your obviously not happy the way you are at home when your with her. I don’t understand why two people that miss and love each other have to live in pain because of a paper I get divorce is hard but pretending you are happy and love someone you don’t is even harder you get one life in this world why not be with someone that brings out love and happiness and understands you. I could only wish my ap felt the way you do and told me. I dream of that moment everyday.

  59. Jasmine J says:

    Finding this site is very helpful! Reading through all of
    the post has helped me to view my situation in a very different light. I’ve
    have been having an affair with a married co-worker for over a year now. I am
    also married to a good man, which seems to be a theme here. We have been married for almost 15 years and
    have children. My husband is responsible, successful, and a great provider, but
    the lack of sexual chemistry was starting to really eat at me. Probably like
    most reasonably attractive women I’ve commonly received the occasional
    comment/head turn or flirtation from other men, but never had a urge to take
    any of them up on their passes until last year (I believe it probably has to do
    with the loss of both of my parents in a very short period of time and me
    feeling like life it too short) My co-worker doesn’t possess even half of the
    great qualities of my husband (which is part of the reason I went out with him
    the first time, thinking this won’t go anywhere, just free drinks). I’m in my
    late 30’s and my co-worker is a bit older than me. He is also married for over 15 years and has
    one adult child and one younger child. He does have the gift of gab and is much
    more social than my husband, so when we hang out he’s always making friends and
    new contacts. I like to watch him work a crowd (ok, ok I need to focus on his
    flaws). He pursued me for some time at first I was flattered and thought it was
    cute, but one day I gave in to his constant request for drinks after work. I said “You know I’m married and I don’t
    want any trouble. He says…. “Trouble, is that what you’re looking for? I
    can help you find it” urghh…I should have known right then……
    accepting his 1st offer was a BIG mistake one day lead to multiple after work
    drink dates, until he worked up the nerve to kiss me. Geesh, it was the most
    passionate kiss. After that I wanted more, at first we started seeing each
    other very infrequently every few weeks we would only hang out after work
    during the work week. Since then it has progressed, now I even try to sneak in
    a weekend session every once in a while. We have even taken days off of work
    (called in sick) and spent the whole day in motel enjoying each other’s every
    aspect. We do not have very deep enlightening conversations; don’t have a lot
    of things in common just the sex and some work stories. I’m free to do things
    with him sexually, that my husband is just not into. I’m pretty sure I’m not in love with the
    co-worker, probably just lust, but I do feel addicted to the passion, excitement
    and the allure of this relationship. I’m on this site right now just to keep
    from reaching out to him! The whole time I keep looking at my business phone to
    see if he’s text me. I know it needs to end!! Our once every now and again
    connections have turned in to weekly hook up’s. I even think other coworkers
    are starting to notice. I feel tremendous guilt! I hate myself for being such a
    tramp! In the beginning my conscience wouldn’t let me sleep through the night.
    I no longer have that problem. I’ve eroded some the trust in my marriage
    already because of the lies that I’m started to get caught in. For this “thing”
    not to be love I am finding it very difficult to end because I see him every
    day at work. We do not work in the same group/department but it’s very hard to
    avoid seeing each other most days. My Question is how do you break it off when
    you work together? There is no way to cut off all contact. I know I need to be
    strong and be the one to really cut things off with him, which is the goal. I
    have way too much to lose! I also know
    that if I was single I would not choose this coworker for a husband. This site has given me useful information and
    tips/tools to use. I just hope it works. I know I sound selfish and stupid, but
    I know for sure that I love my husband and my family unit and desire to be a
    better wife than I’ve been for the past year. What to do, What to do?

  60. Andrew says:

    I think that your use of the term flat is a perfect epitome for how we come to feel at this stage in our situations.

    I too have had the hardest time dealing with the lack of vibrancy that I now feel is abundant in my life. A missing self motivation that I once possessed, with her and even before her.

    Of course we never truly know, or tend to think about where all of this will end up while we are “happening”, but it’s sure a sudden shock to our system when it gets “pulled away” from us.

    I definitely relate to your “morning” feelings. Mornings are my worst. I can never figure out why. Knowing that I’m facing another day ahead of unknown pangs of heartache and brooding over a loss of something unexplainable that happens in our lives I guess.

    Thanks for sharing. It helps me. I hate that i had to let her go, and her me, and I feel that we, in a way, ended up letting each other down more than we ever built each other up. I’m definitely messed up by my situation. I’m sure that will change or mutate into a different perception down the road, but for now…it really hurts.

  61. Kervin says:

    This one of the greatest readings I have found since my struggle to escape this situation. My lover has no idea that I’m married and have been doing this for a year till she ended the relationship for good after a few in and outs. The reality of my situation is that accessibility to sex with no boundaries I came to realize after reading this wonderful article as we both were very sexually active. Sad part is the sex wasn’t even good is just having it made me happy, my wife and I had way better when our relationship was spicy. Now anxiety is holding me by the neck as I begged myself to be free I just can’t let her go and she doesn’t want to make back either.

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