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How to End an Affair and Get Over It Even If You Still Love Them

Ending an affair is just as hard as any breakup, if not worse! Here’s how to end it and get over an affair, even when you still love them or miss them.

how to end an affair when you love them and get over it

Okay, shit happens. You didn’t want to fall in love with that sexy somebody who ignited the fire in your pants, not when you’re already in love with someone else. And now you find yourself at a crossroad, wanting to know how to end an affair and get over it.

As shitty as you feel right now *deservedly so*, this can happen to the best of us. Even the best of us can go astray and tread into the wrong path. But are you truly ready to walk away from an affair?

Understanding how to end an affair just isn’t easy. it hurts like hell, and you can’t tell a soul about how you feel because it’s a secret relationship. And to make matters worse, because it’s a secret, it’s really easy to slip and get back again.

[Read: Why are affairs so hard to end? 12 reasons that make it so]

What you need to understand if you’re considering ending the affair

You may feel guilty about it, but like an addiction that’s hard to resist, an affair can control your life and eventually dominate it and tear it apart.

Wanting to end an affair is the first step, and it is the right one. If you’re determined to end an affair, we’ll tell you how to go about it the right way.

But you have to remember this, no steps or hand holding guide can help you out of an affair unless you make up your mind to end it in the first place. You may have started an affair by a twist of chance and fate, but only determination and strength can get you out of the irresistible affair.

How to end an affair when you’re in love with them – The things you need to do

Ending an affair takes time, and one of the biggest difficulties of getting out of an affair is the temptation of wanting to get back into it at the very first opportunity. It is an easy way out, after all.

Every time you have an argument with your spouse, it’s easier to walk into someone else’s loving arms than to work on improving a difficult relationship.

But an affair is never the answer to a failing relationship. Work on your own relationship, and if you see no hope for it, end the relationship instead of getting into an affair and confusing your already confused love life.

If you do want to know how to end an affair and have a happy life with your own partner, here’s what you need to understand. [Read: Affairs in a marriage and the big role of egos in it]

Do you understand the repercussions of an affair?

Sexual or emotional affairs can seem extremely exciting, but they’re really not. An affair is the easy way out because there are no emotions involved other than the superficial ones that crop up when you’re together. You may think you’re truly in love with your illicit partner, but you’re not.

It’s an escape for both of you. It’s not real life. You’re an idiot if you think spending a secret weekend together or a few hours everyday constitutes a full life together.

Real life is very different. And if you ever do get into a real relationship with your adulterous lover, you may experience the same relationship problems all over again.

Successful relationships need understanding and love to prosper and succeed, and every real relationship needs effort. And your adulterous lover may be sexy, fun or your emotional best friend. But how sure are you that they would definitely be the ideal partner for you, after seeing your warts and all? [Read: An affair fog and signs to know if you’re deeply under someone else’s spell]

Why are you having an affair?

Do you really love your own partner? Why are you having an affair, really? Ask yourself these questions and try to understand what you really need. If you’re happy in a perfect relationship with your partner, why are you having an affair with your adulterous lover?

Is it about the sex, or is it just an exciting change that makes you happy? Or do you feel more desirable and attractive because you’re being wooed by someone else? Or is it an emotional attachment because you don’t feel like talking to your partner anymore? Do you connect more with your affair partner than with your real life partner?

And are you willing to jeopardize your relationship and your life just to feel good for an hour of sex a few times a week?

[A confession you must read: The story of my affair with a married man]

Talk to a trusted friend for emotional support

An affair is like an exciting secret that you can’t wait to share. But yet, you have no choice but to keep it a secret.

If you really want to know how to end an affair, you need help from a trusted friend. Pour out your heart to a friend and tell them about everything and how you feel about it. Sometimes, talking to someone else can feel relieving. And it’s always a good way to get in a second opinion on how to end an affair. And let’s not forget the emotional support that you need at a time like this.

Bring the affair’s excitement into your marriage or relationship

What does your affair give you that your present relationship doesn’t? Is it the mindblowing sex, the intimate connection or is it the deep and true communication? Whatever it may be, your real relationship too has the power to have all of that, be it sexual or emotional.

Try to involve your partner in your life and try to be gently vocal about your thoughts. Let your partner understand your mind, and share your thoughts on your relationship, sexually or otherwise, and try to bring the affair’s excitement into your own relationship. By experiencing the same emotions, you’d soon see that an affair isn’t really giving you anything more but a bag of guilt and fear. [Read: 20 ingenious ways to keep your relationship really exciting]

Focus on all the reasons why you MUST end the affair

Make a list of all the things that you don’t like about the affair, be it the guilt, the fear, the remorse, or the lack of anything solid other than sex or a “fake” emotional connection. Spend a while and write down everything you can remember. Do you really have interesting conversations or is it all just about the sex?

You may think you’re in love your adulterous amour, but is it really love or is it just an escape from your boring or frustrating life? Read the list every now and then, when you’re missing your lover or waiting to hear from them. It’ll help you realize that you have more to lose than gain by indulging in this affair.

And as long as you’re trying to work on your own relationship and have a good time, you’ll see that an affair is only causing you more confusion and pain than anything productive. [Read: The 7 stages of emotional affairs and the games it plays in your mind]

Pick flaws in your affair

You may throw your weight around your own partner or throw an occasional tantrum now and then. Have you tried that with your lover? How would they react?

Try to incorporate your real life issues in your illicit relationship or pick flaws in it. If you can’t walk out immediately because you’re too addicted, see how your lover reacts to your outbursts.

Chances are, they’re no different from your own partner. As long as your illicit relationship revolves around sex or the occasional deep conversation, the relationship may seem exciting. But bring in a bit of real life into the affair, and you’ll see how illicit lovers change their behavior.

Now ask yourself, do you really need this?

[Read: Emotional cheating vs Friendship – When is the line crossed?]

Wipe away the signs of your affair

If you’ve made up your mind and understood that your real relationship is far more special and important than a love affair that lasts only between the sheets, it’s time to start wiping away the signs of your affair.

Does your lover have any pictures or videos that could put you in trouble? Or are there any other details that need to be wiped off? Be discreet, but thorough. Your mistress or “mister” may seem like a nice person, but seriously, you have no idea about their real personality because your entire relationship was only based on one aspect of life, not your whole life. [Read: Revenge sex – My own experience and everything I learned from it]

Get it to definitely end

It’s not easy but it’s something that has to be done. Speak with your other woman or man and tell them that you can’t live like this anymore. Talk to your lover about the guilt and the fear your affair is causing you. Be clear and get it to definitely end. Explain your thoughts and why you want to take this decision. And once you’re done explaining yourself, end all contact and try to stay away from each other.

Be firm, but not rude. You don’t want to upset your lover or piss them off into trying to blackmail you. [Read: The breakup conversation you can use to end your affair]

What do you do when you miss your ex lover a lot?

Listen, we’re all grown up here, so there’s no point sugarcoating it. You are going to miss your ex, and you will be hurting for a while. You’ll miss them more every time you see them, and you’ll desire them a lot more when you see them around someone else.

But there’s a very good reason why you decided to take this step. You have your own partner who loves you, and you love them. And you always have the list of reasons why you needed to end the relationship, to turn to.

It will be difficult, at least for a few months. But stick to it. You may think this is love, but in all probability, it could be an addiction. And just like an addiction needs self-control and lots of weaning away, this affair needs the same effort too. [Read: Are you in love with two people? What you need to understand?]

You’re having a hard time getting over your affair?

And why wouldn’t you? It was fun, exhilarating, and made you feel alive. It was everything your own relationship lacked. Or at least that’s what you convinced yourself throughout the duration of the affair.

But now that you’ve made up your mind to stay loyal to your partner, and end the affair for good, accept that this decision will be really hard. And at times, irresistible too, but just like a sugar addiction, you will get over it with lots of patience and a healthy dose of loyalty to your own partner.

Resist the temptation of getting back into the affair

You may want to know more about how to end an affair, but one of the biggest difficulties come after the affair is actually over. For a few weeks or months after you end the affair, you’d feel more vulnerable and the temptation to get back into an affair will be immense.

This is when you need to focus on your own relationship with your partner and avoid thinking about your lover. Keep yourself occupied all the time, and read your list of reasons behind why you wanted to end the affair. And whenever you get the urge to make that call or get together for a hookup, remember the effort you put into getting out of the affair. And let that not go in vain. It takes strength, and as long as you’re determined, you’d be able to get over your affair with a smile. [Read: How to resist the temptation to cheat again on your partner]

What should you do if your lover calls you? Or worse, wants you back?!

Learn to firm yourself up when your lover calls you. They may plead, beg or even force you to come back, but stick to your decision. If you feel bad about it, explain your feelings clearly and try to explain why this would be the best solution for both of you.

Don’t lose your cool. It isn’t fair on your part, to leave your mistress or other man in the lurch just because you grew a conscience. So give them the respect they deserve while explaining your stand to them. But then again, they did know you were already in a relationship or married to someone else BEFORE they entered into the relationship with you. So when the inevitable end of the affair does show up, it wouldn’t be surprise news to them too.

Your lover would know that an affair is wrong business too, so if you do explain your reasons, they’d have no choice but to accept to end it even if they pursue you for a while. [Read: How to stop being the side chick when you deserve to be the main woman]

Can you remain friends with someone you had an affair with?

Unless you really don’t see a choice here, try to avoid staying friends with someone you had an affair with. Look, staying friends with an ex is hard enough. Someone you had a secret relationship with… everything about it screams irresistible!

If you have to stay friends because of inevitable reasons, cool off for a decent amount of time, and even if you both do find yourselves alone and exchanging pitiful looks of lust, just keep it in your pants!

Should you confess about your affair?

Now here’s another tricky part that comes in after you figure out how to end an affair. Once you’re certain your affair is over, you may feel guilty about your immoral deeds, even if you’re happy in a successful relationship with your partner.

If your real partner has caught you cheating on them, you’ll be in a world of pain now. And if your real partner hasn’t caught you yet, you’re going to find yourself in a moral quandary. Either way, you’re going to be in troubled waters. So that’s a decision you need to take.

If you can’t make up your mind on whether you should confess, read should you confess to cheating on your partner or hide it to help you decide based on the circumstances and your partner.

Ending a love affair is never easy, but as long as you use these steps on how to end an affair and stay determined, you’d be able to have a happier love life with your real partner, real soon.

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Vinod Srinivas Serai
Vin Serai
Vin Serai is the founder of LovePanky.com, and has delved deep into the working of love and relationships for almost two decades. Having dipped his feet in almo...