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12 Reality Checks When You’re in Love with a Married Man

in love with a married man

So, it happened. You accidentally fell in love with a man who’s married. Here’s what you need to tell yourself to come back to your senses.

It happens. Sometimes, you run into a man and can’t help but be enthralled with him. You get to know him more and more, and just so happen to fall for him. This would be completely normal…if he wasn’t already married to someone else.

You can’t choose who you fall in love with, right? Sometimes, no matter how much you tell yourself you shouldn’t be in love with someone, your mind just can’t seem to shake your feelings.

Although I’ve never been in the situation *thank goodness* there are many women out there who know this feeling intimately—being in love with the wrong person, but just not being able to help themselves.

While it may seem like there’s no hope and you’ll never stop feeling that way, there are things you can tell yourself to give yourself a kind of reality check.

The reality checks you need when you’re in love with a married man

The truth is, yes. You really do need a reality check in this situation. It’s not acceptable to be in love with a married man, and it’s not good for your mental health, either. You can get discouraged, depressed, and it can even bar you from finding the person you’ll marry someday. [Read: What you should do when you find out you’re being cheated with and you’re the other woman]

Although some of these reality checks may be harsh, they’re the truth that you need in this situation. When you’re in love with a married man, there’s more than just your feelings that need to be taken into consideration.

#1 No, you should NEVER act on it. If you haven’t acted on this feeling yet, DON’T. For a long list of reasons, this is a terrible idea. He’s married. He has already committed to someone else and, despite your feelings, you need to respect that. By acting on this feeling, you’re disrespecting him and his family *if he has one*. Don’t put him in an uncomfortable position and have some respect.

#2 You probably want him because you can’t have him. Have you ever thought that you might only be attracted to this person because he’s already taken? This is a pretty popular phenomenon that happens when someone finds out the person they’re only mildly attracted to is actually taken. For some reason, this triggers something in some people, and they suddenly find themselves head over heels.

Chances are, this could be the case for you. You might only want him because you can’t have him. Is that really a good reason to end his marriage? No.

#3 He will never leave his wife for you. The vast majority of the time, the man will never leave his wife for you. No matter how much he may tell you that he will *if you two are engaged in a relationship*, the odds of him actually following through are extremely thin. He won’t leave her for you. Stop wasting your time. [Read: 10 painful realities of being the other woman you really should know]

#4 You don’t even know if he loves you. You have invested all this time, developing feelings for a man you can’t have. How much time has he invested in you? Do you even know if he cares about you, let alone loves you? You really shouldn’t be putting forth any effort if he’s married. Leave him alone and move on.

#5 He has a family—and you’re not a part of it. If the man you’re in love with is happily married AND has a family, you should just walk away while you still can. You are not a part of his family, nor will he ever really be able to see you that way. No matter your feelings, you need to realize this and stop the pursuit.

#6 He’s not the person for you, anyway. Have you even stopped to think about the fact that the two of you might not be the best match? You could be love-blind to the real truth. He’s not the one for you; obviously he’s already found the love of his life. You’re still on the hunt for yours. Realize that he’s not the person for you, and move on.

#7 The end game in this mess is NOT pretty. So, you’re in love with him. What next? You tell him, he leaves his wife for you, and you all live happily ever after? No. This is what’s more likely to happen: you’ll tell him your feelings, he’ll pretend he feels the same *maybe only to sleep with you*, eventually his wife will get suspicious, and he’ll break things off—leaving you heartbroken and alone. Is that what you really want? [Read: Movies about affairs and why they always glorify a scandalous affair]

#8 You’re wasting your time on something that won’t last. Just like what was mentioned above, your love for him and any relationship that MAY form out of you pursuing a married man is not going to last. He may dabble in the idea momentarily *hopefully not, because he’s MARRIED*, but after a while, it’s going to be boring. He has a wife, after all. He doesn’t need anything else. Your fling will be short-lived and you’ll have wasted time.

#9 If anything does happen, you’ll always be the “other woman.” You’ll never be more to anyone than the woman he left his wife and family for. His family and friends will never think of you as anything other than that. This will give you a bad name and cause riffs within his family. Would you really want to live like that? [Read: Love triangles and its confusing complications you need to know]

#10 There are more people involved than just you and him. Stop being so selfish. Sure, you have strong feelings for him, but it’s bigger than just the two of you. If he has a family, you’re putting his family in a bad spot, you’re putting him in a horrible situation, and you’re going to end up being the cause of hurt in some way. Just let it go, and walk away before getting any more involved.

#11 You don’t truly love him. Unless you’ve actually been dating this man *and if so, SHAME ON YOU*, then you don’t know him well enough to know that you’re truly in love with him. Sure, you could really like him, think the two of you would work well together, and even find him ridiculously attractive. But since you don’t know him in an intimate way, how could you say you truly love him? [Read: How to end an affair and get over it completely]

#12 If you need this reality check, that should say enough about the situation. If you’re reading this, then you already know that your feelings should never amount to anything more. You already know that you need to walk away. You already know that being in love with a married man has no purpose and won’t get you anywhere. Do the right thing, and move on.

[Confession: Having an affair with a married man – My story and it’s implications on my life]

Whether you are in love from a distance, or have been romantically involved with a married man, these reality checks will put you in the right mind. Take our advice, and find someone who is right for you and, more importantly, available.

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Bella Pope
Bella Pope
Bella is a lifestyle writer, cheese enthusiast (Wisconsin native over here) and fantasy adventure author-in-progress who enjoys all things love, dog, p...

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DISCUSSION

5 thoughts on “12 Reality Checks When You’re in Love with a Married Man”

  1. Olivia P. says:

    It doesn’t happen only in the movies, chicks. Women can truly fall in love with a married man. I am a proof of that. He is my boss and I am aware of that but I can’t help it when he enters the room. Those blue eyes and his body. I totally drool while he is talking to me. Before you judge me… I haven’t told him anything. At least not yet. But I want to. I like to be with him. Am I a bad person for dreaming about this when he has a wife and two beautiful boys? As much as I refuse to believe in this, the points in this article are so real it hurts.

  2. Felicia S says:

    Loving a man who is already taken is very hurtful… and it is even more hurtful realizing that he is married. Dating such guy is not worth it and all the points raised in the article are on the point. You will never be the only girl in his life and he will always prioritize his family over you! Period. All the girls need to have a reality check and never go for a married guy. I have been on this road and the end was very disappointing.

  3. Emma H. says:

    This is just so wrong. You just cannot allow yourself to fall in love with a married person. Don’t stoop to that level honey. Attraction is a natural thing and it’s normal to feel that way towards anyone. But it doesn’t mean we act on that attraction. Save yourself the misery because the guy will never leave his wife, if he does then he’s an asshole and both of you will forever be haunted by your conscience.

  4. Valerie says:

    I’m not entirely sure about the whole idea that he won’t leave his wife. Sure, a lot of marriages are built solid and affairs are always just that, but a few guys do have genuine considerations of leaving their wives and will be more than willing to start the proceedings if the time is actually right. It’s just a matter of finding them at that point. Yes, this is how I found my current husband and no, I’m not worried things will be the same for me as we’ve been happily married for over five years now. Compatibility is compatibility no matter how you slice it. Some people just aren’t meant to be together.

  5. Nipsie says:

    Well, The thing about me falling in love with a married man is, I’m a married woman myself. My husband and I got married for completely the wrong reason. He had no health insurance, and I had just started a job with really good benefits. Ironically enough, that job would also be the very thing that would tear us apart. I met my married man, we’ll call him Kenny, at work. He was my supervisor, and a dozen or so years my senior, but for the first few months of our relationship, it was purely platonic. We enjoyed each other’s company, and he was witty and the two of us enjoyed verbally sparring. I’m very open and honest about everything to everyone I meet, so when we all got to talking about piercings and tattoos, I mentioned that I had my nipples pierced. This was something that pretty much everyone we worked with loved to give me a hard time about, especially Kenny and another guy his age that we worked with. We were all sitting around one night drinking coffee, when suddenly Kenny and I were alone. Since I’m so candid about my personal life, everyone knew that my husband and I were having problems, and a few of the people who I really confided in knew that he hadn’t touched me, sexually or otherwise, in two months, which is an eternity when you’re in your early twenties. Part of me was just craving attention, wanting to feel like someone actually wanted me, and I knew he wasn’t expecting it when I turned to him and told him that if he wanted to see my piercings, all he had to do was ask nicely. I thought his eyes were going to bulge out of his head, but after saying that he could get in serious trouble for that, if I was going to do that absolutely no one could know. I agreed, and long story short, we ended up finding a quiet place and things went farther than I had intended. I didn’t regret it though, and both of us agreed that we weren’t going to leave our spouses, that it was just sex, that was all. Two months after the start of our affair, Kenny and I spent our first whole night together. We laid for hours talking, making love, and just enjoying each other’s company. He told me the whole night to stop looking like that, but he would never tell me precisely what I was looking at him like. The next day, after we showered and dressed and were getting ready to go our separate ways, he sat down on the side of the bed and I sat down backwards on his lap. He said it again, to stop looking at him like that, but when I asked like what this time he finally said it: stop looking at me like you love me. I had known for a while that I had feelings for him that went beyond the sex, but I was in denial. I was just shocked enough by his statement to blurt out, but what if I do, and that set off a conversation that I had not been prepared for. He had been doing the same thing, denying his feelings for fear that I didn’t feel the same way, but it was all out in the open now. Another thing that I didn’t expect was for him to say those three words first, since he has a very macho guy persona. I sat there and we laughed afterwards, the only thing I could think to say is, “Only sex, huh? We really FU**ED this up.

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