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Side Chick: 54 Signs, Reasons You’re Not His Main & How to Walk Away ASAP

Nothing hurts more than thinking you’re his girlfriend only to find out you’re his side chick. Do you think this is you? Here’s how to find out and move on.

side chick

“Side chick,” “the other woman,” “homewrecker”—there are many names out there to describe the nightmare that comes with not being the only person your guy is seeing. And the painful reality is, many women who find themselves being side chicks are left in the shadows, never truly knowing if their partner has a relationship established with someone else.

Men who cheat are deceitful and they’re good at what they do. So good that you might fall victim to believing you’re the only girl he’s been seeing. But by knowing the signs that you’re a side chick, you can overcome his games and choose the next course of action.

It’s time to break the pattern and be with someone who sees you as their partner, not just a side chick. Here’s how. [Read: 31 red flags in a man who’s fake-nice & will only break your heart]

The subtle signs you’re a side chick and not his main girl

If you’ve found your way to this feature, chances are, you think you’re someone’s side chick. But let’s not jump to assumptions just yet. Instead, let’s look at the signs you’re a side chick and put the puzzle pieces together. Are you his main girl or his side piece?

1. You’re not a priority

Whenever you really need him, he’s not there. If you were his partner, he wouldn’t question anything. He would just do what he needs to help you. But you’re not a priority for him.

In fact, when you need help, he may not even be the first person that comes to your mind. That is a huge sign on its own. [Read: 17 sordid signs you’re just a hookup and nothing more]

2. You’ve never met his friends

When a guy wants to show off someone he really likes, he first introduces them to his friends. When you meet his friends, it’s a sign that he’s really into you and isn’t afraid to tell the world you’re his.

Now, you could be a side chick and have met his friends. But typically, he likes to keep you and his personal life separate. That way, gossip doesn’t spread around.

3. He doesn’t see you that much

If you were his girlfriend, he would spend his time seeing you as much as he can. However, as a side chick, he only sees you once, maybe twice a week.

He sees you but dedicates most of his time to his actual partner. So, if he’s not giving you his time, then you aren’t his main girl. [Read: 25 signs he just wants sex and reasons why he’s faking love to sleep with you]

4. No photos of you exist

If you’ve been dating him for a while, it’s normal that there would be photos of you on social media. But when you try to take a photo of him, he freaks out and tells you to not post anything online.

Come on, you know what this means. It’s not because he thinks he looks bad in photos. It’s because he doesn’t want anyone to find out he’s hooking up with you.

5. You aren’t friends on social media

We can award some benefit of the doubt to him if there aren’t photos of you on his socials. Who knows, maybe he doesn’t post. That’s hardly a crime.

But if you aren’t even friends on social media… You know it isn’t right. He doesn’t want you to be there on his following list because he’s hiding you from the people in his life.

Why would he want to hide you? Because he doesn’t want to be caught cheating. This sign of being a side chick is pretty hard to miss.

6. You don’t go on dates

When you’re dating, you usually go on dates with your boyfriend. Maybe you see a movie, go to the mall, or visit an amusement park.

Point is, he’s taking you to spend some quality time with him in public. Netflix and popcorn in his bed doesn’t count. If he doesn’t take you out of the house, there’s a reason why. [Read: Lowkey secret relationship – what it is and the reasons & signs you’re in one]

7. He doesn’t open up

When you know you’re only going to be sleeping with someone for a short period of time, you don’t really bother opening yourself up.

Any time you try to get him to be emotional, he shuts you down. If he doesn’t want to get attached to you, or he simply doesn’t care to, it’s a sign you’re a side chick.

8. He calls you… at night

We’re not talking about calls around dinner time, we’re talking about late-hour calls. If he only shows genuine interest late at night, you can count on it to be a booty call.

Booty calls aren’t as easy to spot as they used to be. Sometimes, a guy will be direct about his intentions. Other times, he may start a small talk conversation earlier in the day only to follow it up with a late-night “What are you up to?” or “Are you doing anything right now?”

If he contacts you anytime after 10, he’s just looking for some easy and quick sex. Does he ever call you during the day to hang out? Think about it.

9. It’s usually the same day, same time

When he sees you, it’s usually always the same time and same day. It’s like a routine. He has to keep it like this because he has his cheating down to an art.

He has a specific excuse he tells his girlfriend for that time block when he’s with you. That’s why you never see him outside of that specific time and day. [Read: Is my boyfriend cheating? 86 sneaky behaviors & signs a guy just can’t hide]

10. He’ll go silent for days, even weeks

He has a tendency to suddenly disappear without telling you where he’s going or what he’s doing. And what’s even better is that he will magically pop up out of nowhere like nothing ever happened. Maybe he had to go silent for a bit because his partner became suspicious.

11. He doesn’t spend the night

Now, some guys may enjoy the comfort of their own beds, but if they really like someone, they’ll sacrifice a night to sleep in your bed.

However, if he never spends a night in your bed, it’s because he shares his bed with his girlfriend, and she’ll get suspicious if he’s not there. This is a sign that makes a difference between a girlfriend and a side chick.

12. He’s overprotective with his phone

No one would be so protective of their phone if they didn’t have something important to hide. If he’s deleting his entire call log every day and has his photos encrypted, then there’s something to question.

This goes for leaving the room to answer phone calls, too. He doesn’t want any interference between you and his call because whoever he is on the line with might become suspicious. This is a big sign that you’re a side chick.

13. He doesn’t pick up your calls

It’s funny, just when you happen to call, he never has good reception or his battery is low. Convenient, right? There’s a reason why he can’t pick up your calls after work hours, and this points to one of those strong signs you’re a side chick and nothing more.

Perhaps he’s with his family or girlfriend? Now, don’t jump to conclusions in one go, but if he’s not picking up your calls, plus doing a couple of other things on this list, watch out. [Read: 37 reasons, signs, and must-know rules when a guy stops texting you often]

14. You don’t know where he lives

He only knows where you live, isn’t that strange? Unless he’s embarrassed to tell you that he lives with his mom, there’s another reason why you’ve never stepped foot into his house. That’s probably because he’s not living there alone. Hint: it’s not his mom.

15. Plans are last minute

If he doesn’t follow a routine when he schedules to see you, then all of your pans are likely last-minute. This is because you’re the very last thing on his to-do list, so to speak.

When a guy is committed to you, he invests time into seeing you and respects your availability. But if you’re a side chick, you’re low on his list. He isn’t putting in the effort to make concrete plans with you because his efforts are somewhere else, with another woman.

16. He leads you on

If you’re suspicious of being a side chick, a sign to look out for is if he is breadcrumbing you. [Read: Breadcrumbing – what it is, 28 signs to see it & respond and why people do it]

Essentially, he is leading you on by ticking off all of the boxes to get you hooked on him without any intention of committing to you. He’ll give you as much attention as you need to like him, and then withdraw it when you are invested.

Like hot and cold behavior, breadcrumbing is an emotionally manipulative mind game for him. He strings you along just enough without having to follow through.

17. PDA is nonexistent

We know, not everyone is into public displays of affection. But if he won’t even walk close to you, it’s a sign he doesn’t want to be seen being romantic with you in public. Why? Because you’re the side chick.

Any guy who is seriously committed to your relationship should be showing affection in public. Handholding, hugs, kisses—these are all normal things that couples do.

If he isn’t doing these, it’s likely he wants to be perceived as nothing more than friends when in public.

18. He acts weird if he bumps into you in public

If you bump into him in public, his behavior is usually cold, distant, embarrassed, or annoyed. He might even go out of his way to avoid you. This is not how any guy would react to bumping into someone he’s interested in and committed to.

19. You don’t know his family

Okay, so maybe it’s too early in your relationship to meet the parents. But if he hasn’t even mentioned them, or avoids the topic when you ask about the people in his life, it’s because he wants to keep his relationship with you out of their reach. He wants you to be a secret.

Meeting the parents is a milestone in any committed relationship, and it’s generally not something that goes unspoken. So if he keeps his family life private from you, or even gets annoyed about the subject, it’s a sign you’re a side chick.

20. Things don’t progress

Some relationships move fast and others take their time. However, at the end of the day, all genuine relationships progress. [Read: Stagnant relationship – 36 standstill signs, why & how to make it progress]

You should be sharing your goals, dreams, interests, and personal life with each other. Over time, you should also be seeing each other more and strengthening your connection.

If you don’t feel like he is contributing to improving your bond as much as you are, he’s building a wall between you two. Relationships stay healthy and alive through emotional needs, and if you’re a side chick, yours aren’t being met.

21. You don’t know where you stand

When we feel like we don’t know where we stand in a relationship, it’s often because the relationship offers no security. Are you doubting your feelings? Do you contemplate whether you put more effort into the relationship than your partner?

Regardless of how new the relationship is, if your partner is fully committed to you, they will put in their half. And when they do, you won’t have to question if they’re really invested in you or not. But for a side chick, this reassurance never comes.

22. He doesn’t get jealous

Now, we aren’t promoting an overly-jealous partner. But if the guy you’re with doesn’t show the slightest sign of jealousy when you mention other guys, it’s likely that he doesn’t care for boundaries or take your relationship seriously. Like, at all. [Read: How to tell when a guy is jealous – 25 hints he just can’t hide]

23. You don’t know much about him

If you can relate to most of the previous signs, then chances are, you don’t feel like you really know him. Why is that?

He never talks freely about himself, he gets defensive if you ask about his personal life, he’s vague about work, and never shares his interests.

The truth is, he’s secretive because he isn’t attached to your relationship. He may be open to having fun, but he doesn’t want things to get deep.

24. You’re saved under a different name on his phone

This is one of the biggest red flags in any relationship. If you’re saved under a different name on his phone, he’s hiding you from someone! There is no other way around explaining this one.

25. He has a wife/girlfriend

If you found out that he has another woman, you can be damn sure that she’s either his girlfriend or wife.

Although it can be nice to fantasize you’re his number one, listen to your gut. If he’s not treating you like his partner, then you’re the side chick in this story. [Read: 22 truths & mistakes of being the other woman in love with a married man]

The honest reasons why being a side chick hurts

Now that we’ve covered the signs of being a side chick, it’s time to address the reality of it. Being the side chick is never easy. In fact, the emotional turmoil you’re put through is nothing but painful.

Unreciprocated love weighs down on your self-esteem and makes you question your worth in your relationship. If you can relate to any of the reasons why being a side chick hurts, it’s time to make some serious changes in your life.

1. You’ll always be a secret

It sounds harsh, but let’s face it, you’re being kept a secret. It’s unfair, it’s cruel, but it’s the reality of being the side chick. He keeps you in the dark because he is scared of getting found out.

Not only does this hurt emotionally, but it also retrains you. Think about it, he essentially controls you. He gets to call the shots on where you meet, who knows you, when you see each other, and the list goes on.

2. You’ll never be a first priority

If you had any chance of becoming his first priority, you wouldn’t be labeled “side” chick, you’d be up front and center. This is especially true if he has established a family already. If he has a wife and kids, they will come first, after himself.

3. You could be waiting for him forever

Instead of growing and meeting new people, you end up sitting around for someone forever. The reality is, you’re wasting time living your life under his restraints.

If you have planned meetings, he’ll cancel them whenever it suits him most. He’ll ghost you for days or weeks at a time. The relationship isn’t equal—you’re attached to him while he benefits from having a life outside of you.

4. You’re being used for sex

This is another harsh truth. Most men have affairs when they’re looking for sex outside of their relationship. If he only seems to reach out late at night for sex, then you’re being used.

A relationship thrives from emotional connection, and if you don’t share that, then you’re only a booty call to him. [Read: Signs to know if you’re being used for sex or money]

5. You’re short-term

Affairs are often a short-term emotional or physical fling, rarely do they last long. This is because your relationship with him has no foundation, no emotional connection, to build itself from.

He keeps you hidden, you doubt your feelings, and there is no security in the relationship. These are all signs that you’re walking on shaky ground and the relationship has no means to last.

6. He isn’t really invested in you

Being a side chick comes with having a one-sided relationship. Although you may not sense it in the beginning when he’s love-bombing you, he isn’t really all that invested in you, your interests, or your life.

This is the upsetting truth. His priorities aren’t on you, so why would he care? He puts in minimum effort to keep you around and builds a wall between the two of you when anything gets deep.

7. You might be blamed for his doing

This is one of the most hurtful things about being the side chick. If word gets out about your relationship, the blame will be put on your shoulders. Whether you knew about his other girlfriend or his wife and kids, you will be the reason for his betrayal in their eyes.

8. Guilt can weigh your mind

If you do suspect he is seeing another woman, the guilt you feel is inevitable. It’s heavy and it can be all-consuming. You may even begin to feel guilty for things that are out of your reach.

From a young age, we are taught that cheating is harmful, so your guilt may even lead you to want to expose his behavior to his other woman. [Read: Guilty conscience – what it is & 21 emotional signs of guilt people feel]

9. You’re missing out on other people

As we said before, you’re wasting time waiting around for this guy forever. The energy you put into your current fling could be spent meeting new, single men who would treat you special. But instead, you hold back, waiting for your current guy to reach out while he’s at home with his main partner.

10. If he wanted to be with you, he would

At the end of the day, love convinces people to do anything their heart desires. If he really wanted to pursue you, he would leave his past behind and start fresh with you as his number one partner and priority.

If he wanted to change his life for you, he would. It’s the sad truth. After all, you’re changing your life because you love him. Why isn’t he doing the same? [Read: Is he lying? 21 signs to tell if a guy is a liar & the subtle ways to read his lies]

How to walk away from being a side chick

You may be someone’s side chick right now, but this doesn’t have to last forever. It’s time to break the cycle and be with someone who sees you as their partner, not a second choice.

Learning how to walk away from being a side chick probably won’t be easy, but it’s possible. Here are steps to take back control in your life and not accept anything less than being a number one choice.

1. Accept what happened

At some point, you need to accept what has happened in your life. Yes, you were the side chick in some relationship. It happened.

This is something you can’t change. But you can change the future and the relationships you go into from now on. [Read: Loving someone you can’t have – 15 ways to accept unreciprocated love]

2. Is this what you want?

There are some women out there who want to be a side chick. They enjoy the casualness of the relationship and the lack of pressure. This is your choice. Decide the type of relationship you want and if being a side chick is really what’s best for you.

Whether you leave him or stay, you will be hurt. Leaving someone you have feelings for isn’t easy. Understand that you will feel sadness, anger, and pain. But, staying with him will also make you feel those emotions. Either way, you will get hurt. But by choosing to leave, you open the space for healing.

3. Talk to him

Many women stay a side chick because they think one day he’ll make them the main chick. Listen, odds are that’s never going to happen, especially if he’s married. Talk to him and see where he stands.

In some rare cases, the guy may be willing to leave his serious relationship and be with you. But either way, you should sit down together and see what’s going on.

4. Reflect on your choices

You won’t break the pattern unless you see why you’re going after men who are in relationships. Why are you attracted to taken men? Are you scared of committing to a serious relationship?

It’s time to look in the mirror and figure out why you do what you do. [Read: Am I emotionally unavailable? 32 signs you are & the fastest ways to fix it]

5. No more sleepovers or playdates with him

If you want to break the pattern of being a side chick, then make some serious changes. We know it’s not easy, but if you don’t do it, you won’t move forward in your life.

If he comes over to your place for a sleepover or to hang out, cut it off. Intimacy is the first thing that you should cut off, as it will only cloud your judgment when it comes to making harder decisions, like cutting him off.

6. Seriously, stop being available

When he has free time, he would come over to your house, or you would take the day off to see him. Girl, stop! If you want to know how to stop being a side chick, don’t be available.

You being there for every text and call isn’t making this situation any better. Whether you want to see if he’ll leave his partner for you or you just want to end things completely, stop being available. [Read: 23 needy signs & ways to stop being too available for your partner]

7. Re-evaluate your relationship goals

What are your goals and dreams for the future? What do you want? If you’re wondering how to walk away from the side-chick life, it’s time you sat down with yourself and really thought about what you want out of your life.

Write down or create a vision board of the type of relationship you want in your life. Odds are, you being a side chick doesn’t fit into that vision.

8. If it’s purely for sex, you have other options

If this is based solely on sex, you have other options. There are tons of single men out there looking for non-committal relationships, so why not look at those men? Why go after a guy you know you can’t fully have? [Read: Meaningless sex – what it is, how to have it, and 16 signs you’re ready for it]

9. Be kind to yourself

It’s easy to be hard on yourself about why you were the side chick, and it’s easy to make yourself feel small. But that’s not what you need right now.

Changing your actions and stopping yourself from being a side chick isn’t an easy process. It will take inner reflection and work. So, practice kindness towards yourself.

10. End the relationship

If you want to make a change, the first thing you should do is change your relationship status. We all know that the man you’re a side chick for isn’t going to end his main relationship.

If you want to stop being a side chick, end the relationship. That’s the first step to making a serious change in your life.

11. Go through the motions of a breakup

This was a relationship. You were intimate with him and had feelings for him. So, when you decide to stop being his side chick, you’ll suffer the feelings you would have if you were in a relationship.

You’re going to feel sadness and then anger, and these emotions are perfectly normal. Process them so you can move on. [Read: 43 must-knows to deal with a breakup & move on from your ex-relationship]

12. Cut off contact

To stop being a side chick, stop communicating with the guy who sees you as one. You need to cut contact with him and be persistent, even if he begs for you to come back.

Delete his number and block him from any form of communication. If you have him on social media, block him.

Remember, this is a breakup. So, you cannot be looking at photos or posts of him with his partner and kids. This isn’t going to make you feel any better or help you to move on. He has his partner, he made a choice. Delete him from your social media so you can live your life.

13. Take time off for yourself

After your breakup, it’s important that you give yourself enough space to heal and grow. So, spend some time alone to focus on doing things you love and feel fulfilled doing. Rediscovering your sense of self is a huge part of walking away from being a side chick for good.

14. Uncover your fears

It’s not easy to walk away from something you know, even if it’s bad for you. But, now is the time to look at your fears and what makes you scared of changing. Do you feel you won’t be able to find love? Are you scared of loneliness? By looking at your fears, you’ll be able to push through them.

15. Forgive yourself

We all make mistakes, we’re human. Yes, we do things that are sometimes against our genuine interests, but this is how we grow.

It’s important that you accept what happened and forgive yourself. The moment you forgive yourself, you’ll truly move forward in your life. [Read: How to stop hating yourself – 20 steps to loving all of yourself]

16. Get excited about the change

You’re changing your life for the better, and even though it’s hard right now, this is an exciting change. Who knows the person you will be after this process, and who you will attract into your life?

See this change as something positive, and that will ultimately affect your life for the better.

17. See other men who are available

Now, when we say see other men, that doesn’t mean to follow down the path that you’ve been on and see other taken men. No, this is the time when you should change your ways.

Aside from focusing on your internal issues, start seeing single men when you’re ready. There are many good men who are available and won’t see you as a side chick. [Read: 64 best places to meet men and find you perfect attractive, eligible guy]

18. Focus on building your self-respect

Aside from hurting other women, you also hurt yourself. Being a side chick means that you’ll most likely never be the number one woman in your life, no matter what he tells you.

Focus on improving the respect and love you have for yourself. Because let’s face it, if you had self-respect and self-love, you wouldn’t let a man treat you like this.

19. Remember your worth

It’s not easy to end a relationship when you have feelings for that person. But this isn’t a real relationship, you’re the side chick. At the end of the day, realize that you’re worthy of love and of being with someone who sees you as their partner, not someone on the side.

[Read: 20 signs he wants to cheat with you – what do you want to do now?]

Being a side chick might be enticing, but it can be detrimental to your self-esteem and love life. These signs you’re being used and steps to get over them can help you overcome being a side chick and start being a number one chick.

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Preeti Tewari Serai
Preeti Serai
Preeti, the founder of LovePanky, is an eternal optimist and believer in the beauty of love and life. With an exhaustive experience in love, relationships, and ...