Pillow Princess: What It Means, Types, Psychology & Why It’s Not Always Bad
Not sure what a pillow princess is? From the LGBTQ+ roots to its meaning, here’s the truth, psychology, and how to spot one, without the stereotypes.
When you hear the phrase “pillow princess,” your brain might conjure an image of someone draped in silk sheets, barely lifting a finger while their partner does all the work. In reality, the term has roots in LGBTQ+ culture, first recorded in queer women’s spaces in the 1990s, and has since evolved into a more mainstream slang for someone who enjoys receiving pleasure but doesn’t always reciprocate.
And here’s the truth: being a pillow princess isn’t automatically bad. Some people simply have a preference for receiving, shaped by personality, comfort levels, past experiences, or even attachment styles.
Psychology research shows that attachment styles influence sexual initiation, people with avoidant tendencies often prefer a less active role in intimacy.
📚 Source: Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R., 2016, Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change
Confidence also plays a role. Studies on sexual self-efficacy show that people who feel unsure about their skills are less likely to take the lead during sex, even if they enjoy it.
📚 Source: Zimmer-Gembeck, M. J., et al., 2015, Sexual communication, self-esteem and efficacy
Research in the Journal of Sex Research also shows that sexual preferences are highly individual, and “giver” vs. “receiver” roles can be a healthy dynamic when both partners consent.
📚 Source: Herbenick et al., 2022, Duration of Partnered Sex, Sexual Pleasure, and Orgasm
If you think pillow princesses are mythical creatures, think again. You may have been standing behind one at the grocery store or even ordering your mocha latte from one. Just because you haven’t heard the term doesn’t mean you’ve never met one, and once you know the signs, you’ll start noticing them everywhere.
And if this is your first time hearing about pillow princesses, then you’ve been lucky. But just because you haven’t heard of the term doesn’t mean that you’ve never met one. [Read: Sexy tips: How to get a selfish lover to be more giving]
From its queer slang origins to its modern, meme-worthy mainstream use, the term’s meaning has evolved. Sometimes it’s playful, sometimes shady, and often misunderstood. The truth lies somewhere between “lazy diva” and “confident receiver who knows her pleasure map.”
So whether you’re here out of curiosity, research, or self‑recognition, we’ll take you through the meaning, the stereotypes, and the spectrum of pillow princess behavior.
What is a Pillow Princess?
The term “pillow princess” originally referred to women, particularly in lesbian and bisexual circles, who enjoyed receiving sexual pleasure, often oral sex, without feeling comfortable or inclined to reciprocate.
While the phrase began as playful community slang in the 1990s, it’s now used more broadly to describe anyone, regardless of gender or orientation, who prefers being on the receiving end during intimate moments.
In its simplest sense, a pillow princess enjoys sex, but finds the most satisfaction in a dynamic where they relax and let their partner take the lead. That can be for many reasons, anything from sexual shyness to physical comfort to specific turn-ons.
In fact, research from the Archives of Sexual Behavior notes that “sexual role preferences” often develop from a mix of personality traits, attachment styles, and past experiences, rather than selfishness alone.
Of course, like any label, “pillow princess” can be misunderstood. Some people use it to imply laziness, while others see it as simply knowing what you like. The key difference lies in consent, communication, and mutual satisfaction, because if both partners are happy, it’s less about the label and more about the connection.
[Read: Awkward signs you’re having bad sex with your lover]
Is a Pillow Princess a Term That’s Restricted to the LGBTQIA+ Community?
Once upon a time, absolutely. Back in the day, “pillow princess” was a tongue‑in‑cheek nickname used mostly in lesbian and bisexual women’s circles to describe someone who loved receiving pleasure, usually oral sex, but wasn’t as eager to return the favor.
It was part of queer slang in the 1990s, and like a lot of insider language, it carried its own mix of humor, shade, and community in‑jokes.
Fast‑forward to now, and the term has escaped the queer lounge and strutted right into mainstream bedrooms. You’ll hear it from straight men describing ex‑girlfriends, queer women poking fun at friends, and even in cheeky memes about guys who just want to be spoiled in bed.
Gender? Orientation? At this point, pillow princesses come in all shapes, sizes, and Netflix watchlists.
In broader use today, it generally means someone, anyone, who loves being on the receiving end and isn’t too fussed about reciprocating.
Sometimes that’s laziness. Sometimes it’s shyness, inexperience, or just knowing exactly what turns them on.
A Journal of Homosexuality article notes that sexual role labels like this often shift meaning as they move outside their original community, picking up new connotations (and losing some old ones) along the way.
📚 Source: Queen, R., 2013, Gender, Sex, Sexuality, and Sexual Identities
Of course, in the LGBTQ+ community, there’s still a stereotype that a pillow princess who won’t go down on another woman might be “questioning” or “not really gay.” Sometimes, sure. But sometimes she’s just not into giving oral sex, no identity crisis required.
The moral? Labels can be funny and even useful, but they’re rarely the whole story. [Read: What is A MILF? The surprising truths & thoughts behind its meaning]
What Sets These Princesses Apart in Bed?
Let’s be honest, most of us fall somewhere between “Olympic-level giver” and “world champion receiver.” Some love being in control on top, others prefer relaxing and letting their partner do the heavy lifting.
Pillow princesses? They’ve mastered the art of lying back like a glorious starfish, arms out, legs sprawled, waiting for the magic to happen. And yes, sometimes it’s a little like princess bashing when people talk about them, because in extreme cases, it can feel like they’ve mistaken the bedroom for a royal spa day.
But here’s the twist: not all pillow princesses are lazy divas. Some are just inexperienced, shy, or wired to get more turned on by sensation than by giving.
A 2006 Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy study found that sexual satisfaction is less about “equal work” and more about whether both partners feel their needs are met, so even the most motionless starfish can be part of a mutually fulfilling sex life if the chemistry’s right.
📚 Source: Byers & MacNeil, 2006, Interpersonal Exchange Model of Sexual Satisfaction
And yes, men can absolutely be pillow princesses too. Whether it’s receiving oral without giving it back, or avoiding any position that requires effort, this isn’t just a “women’s only” label.
The bottom line? Some pillow princesses are entitled, sure. Some genuinely believe their partner should be honored to do all the work because look at them. But for others, it’s simply a preference, one that works fine as long as both people are happy with the arrangement. [Read: Sense of entitlement: What makes you entitled, 27 signs & ways to overcome it]
How to Recognize the Selfish Pillow Princess Before You Take Her to Bed
Now there are a few women who are pillow princesses because it’s their preferred way to enjoy sex. But if you’re looking for the selfish pillow princess, the one who feels entitled to receive pleasure in bed without giving it back, here are a few quick signs to help you recognize her.
1. She Seems Almost Uninterested
From the conversation to the flirty banter, she just seems a bit lazy. She’s talking to you, but not really putting in the effort, you know? [Read: 27 clear signs she’s not interested in you anymore & getting bored]
2. She’s Shy and Prudish
Okay, not all shy and prudish girls end up as pillow princesses. But if she’s just unwilling to open up sexually, and expects you to take the lead all the way from the conversation, to flirting, to dirty talk, all the way to bed, there’s a good chance she’s one.
3. She Puts in Very Little Effort
You’re in bed, and the first thing she does is lie back, and look expectantly at you!
4. She Expects You to Put in All the Effort
Okay, her favorite sex positions may be ones where she gets to lie on her back and watch you make all the effort. It’s one thing to just lie back like a starfish, but if she doesn’t reciprocate in any way, that’s pillow princess territory.
But does she get offended if you’re not mesmerizing her with your sexual moves? If a girl expects you to go all out to please her but puts no effort in returning any favor, you’ve hit the pillow jackpot!
5. Sex is kinda Boring or predictable
Well, what do you expect? Okay, maybe the first five minutes is hot and steamy because you’re “aroused by her mere presence.”
But if all you see is her staring at the ceiling or enjoying herself while you put in all the work, it’s only a matter of time before you realize you’re not enjoying sex, but providing some kind of service instead.
[Read: 25 hot ways to make a guy go down on you & signs to tell if he likes it]
The Types of Pillow Princesses
Like snowflakes, no two pillow princesses are exactly alike. They all share a love of receiving, but the why and how can vary wildly. Here’s the modern-day royal court:
1. The Situational Receiver
She’s not always passive, in fact, on her best days, she might take charge. But after a draining work week, a nasty hangover, or a Netflix binge that’s left her emotionally comatose, she’s perfectly happy to let you do the honors.
This isn’t about entitlement, it’s about circumstance, and tomorrow she might be back to full participation.
2. The Healing Receiver
She’s navigating trauma, insecurities, or body image issues, and receiving is her safe way to enjoy intimacy without feeling overexposed.
Every touch is calculated for comfort, and her stillness isn’t a lack of interest, it’s a protective shield while she rebuilds trust with herself and her partner. [Read: How to Get a Shy Girl to Open Up in Bed: 27 Tips to Help Her Be Confident]
3. The Negotiator
She’s more than willing to reciprocate, but only when her “terms” are met. That might mean more foreplay, her favorite position first, or a massage long enough to make your hands cramp.
Think of her as a union rep for her own pleasure, making sure her needs are met before she invests her energy back.
4. The Enthusiastic Receiver
Physically, she might not be moving much, but her presence is electric. She’s moaning, whispering encouragement, and locking eyes in ways that could melt steel.
You’re doing the heavy lifting, but her emotional and verbal engagement makes you feel like the star of the show. [Read: How to Initiate Sex & 25 Seductive Ways to Take the Lead in Bed]
5. The True Starfish
Self-explanatory. She lies still, silent, possibly wondering if she left the oven on. The original mascot of princess bashing, she’s rare but memorable, and often the reason the term gets its bad reputation.
Why Do Pillow Princesses Behave This Way and What Makes People Lazy givers in Bed?
Good question. No one wakes up in the morning and decides to become a pillow princess. Honestly, it’s not the trait that you want roaming around the neighborhood.
Every girl likes a guy who can go down on her, and stay a while.
Though at some point, when a girl sees a guy’s face dripping wet and his jaws hurting, that’s when she should give back. It’s courteous and shows mutual respect.
But let’s not jump to conclusions and assume that pillow princesses are these selfish beings that want to make sex slaves out of their partners. There are various reasons as to why someone is a pillow princess.
1. Inexperience
If she doesn’t know how to do a specific sexual position, then she probably won’t try it. It’s not because she doesn’t want to, but simply because she doesn’t want to look like she doesn’t know what she’s doing.
Inexperience can lead a girl pulling a pillow princess act simply because she’s insecure.
Thus, inexperience can really hinder someone’s sexual drive, causing them to freeze up and seem like a pillow princess when in reality, she’d really like to try to spice things up. [Read: Virgin’s guide to acting like she has experience: 35 ways to do it like a pro]
2. Fear
In many instances, women are not encouraged to explore their sexuality alone or with a partner. However, exploring sexuality is a crucial part of developing your sexuality and understanding your own body and needs.
Pillow princesses may just be women who are scared to explore themselves sexually. If they’re bi-curious, this hesitation to reciprocate could be simply because they’ve never performed oral sex on another female before.
This just means that her partner will need to engage in effective communication and be patient. It may take some practice before she gets the hang of it, but that doesn’t sound like a bad deal.
If you’re a pillow princess reading this, there’s nothing to fear. We’re all on the same sexual ride as you, so get down there and start exploring. [Read: How to masturbate: 30 solo orgasm & female masturbation secrets for girls]
3. Previous Partners
If a pillow princess was with a previous boyfriend or girlfriend who was sexually dominant, then they’ll be used to a specific sexual experience.
For example, they may have dated someone who only had sex in specific positions, such as missionary. That means this pillow princess did a whole lot of nothing.
When you’ve had sex with one person for a long period of time, you get used to their sexual preference and vice versa – this is only natural. So, you can’t really blame them in this case. All you can do is teach them. [Read: Missionary sex position: What it is and 32 secrets & variations to make it hot!]
4. Traumatic Sexual Experience
Let’s assume a guy tells a girl she gives bad blowjobs. It’s not a big deal, and it’s a personal opinion as people like different styles and methods of oral sex. But once a girl hears this, there’s a possibility that she may never want to give a guy another blowjob, ever. It could be a hit to her ego and may ever really traumatize me.
When someone’s been sexually traumatized, they usually pull back and refrain from performing that sexual act.
If someone tells you that you’re bad at sex, you most likely will become insecure when having sex, even with other people.
Dissociation can also occur. This is when the person essentially mentally checks out and thinks about something else to help them remove themselves from the situation.
This leaves the woman basically like a noodle on the bed. The only way to get through this is with effective communication. Instead of insulting her, simply show her or describe to her what you prefer she does. [Read: How to open up about sex & get your partner to share their desires]
5. Sheer Laziness
This is the true form of the original Pillow Princess. Some people are just lazy and only want their partners to perform sex on them.
It makes sense. It feels great and you don’t do any work. You get everything without giving anything. However, at some point, your partner, after working up a solid sweat, would also like to receive some pleasure.
How Partners Can Communicate About It
If you’re with someone you suspect is a pillow princess, the conversation doesn’t have to be awkward or accusatory. The key is to make it feel collaborative, not confrontational, like you’re both upgrading the menu, not returning a bad meal.
1. Start with appreciation
Lead with what you love about your sex life together. Compliments lower defenses and make it easier to bring up changes. For example: “I love how you respond when I kiss your neck” is a lot more inviting than “You need to do more.”
2. Use playful suggestions instead of demands
Instead of “You never do anything,” try, “Next time, I want you on top so I can just enjoy you for a bit.” Playfulness keeps things sexy instead of sounding like a performance review.
Make it a two-way street. If you’re asking them to be more active, also share what you’re willing to do for them. This frames it as an exploration, not a criticism. [Read: What Men Like In Bed: 53 Things They Want, Desire & Absolutely Lust After!]
4. Try role-reversal nights
Make it a game: one night you give, one night you receive. This normalizes switching without pressure and can even turn it into something you look forward to.
5. Be patient if there’s a reason
If their stillness comes from insecurity, inexperience, or trauma, progress might be gradual. Support, reassurance, and celebrating small changes will get you further than frustration ever will.
6. Create low-pressure opportunities to lead
Sometimes people freeze up because they feel “on the spot.” Suggest scenarios where they can take control in small ways, like initiating a kiss or choosing the position, so they can build confidence without feeling they’re suddenly running the whole show. [Read: Sexual Anxiety: 25 Secrets to Not Feel Nervous About Having Sex & Enjoy It]
7. Use positive reinforcement
When they do take the lead or reciprocate, show obvious enjoyment. Positive feedback can be a huge motivator for repeating the behavior.
8. Keep communication outside the bedroom
Sometimes the best time to talk about sex is when you’re not having it. A casual, non-sexual setting can make the topic feel lighter and less intimidating. [Read: 46 Sizzling Sex Life Secrets to Spice Up Your Bedroom & Leave You Horny 24/7]
9. Use humor to break tension
A cheeky comment like, “Tonight, I’m going to lay back, and I want you to have your way with me” can make role changes feel fun instead of forced.
When It’s Actually a Good Thing
Pillow princess tendencies aren’t always a problem, in fact, in the right dynamic, they can be a huge turn-on. Here’s when leaning into the receiver role can actually work in your favor:
1. Clear giver/receiver dynamics can heighten pleasure
When both partners are on board, one being the designated “giver” and the other the “receiver” can amplify the erotic charge. It’s similar to power play, the roles themselves become part of the fantasy.
2. It can create anticipation
If one partner knows they’re going to be pampered from start to finish, the build-up can be intoxicating. Anticipation is a proven driver of sexual arousal.
3. It’s a great fit for certain kinks and fantasies
Some people get off on service, others on surrender. A pillow princess arrangement can scratch that itch perfectly.
4. It works when effort is reciprocated in other ways
Maybe she doesn’t move much during sex, but she’s affectionate, loving, and gives back in ways outside the bedroom. A relationship is about the full picture, not just the sheets.
5. Mutual consent is the magic ingredient
As long as both partners genuinely enjoy the setup, there’s no “problem” to fix. It only becomes an issue if one person feels neglected or taken for granted.
It’s all great as long as all partners enjoy the roles they play
At the end of the day, a pillow princess isn’t a villain, she’s just someone who prefers being in the receiver’s seat. Sometimes it’s selfish, sometimes it’s circumstantial, and sometimes it’s exactly what makes the sex amazing.
The key difference between frustration and satisfaction comes down to balance and communication. If one partner feels unappreciated, the dynamic will start to feel lopsided. But if both of you can be honest about what you want, and actually listen, you can find a rhythm that plays to both your strengths.
And remember, sexual dynamics aren’t set in stone. They can shift over time, with moods, life stages, and even the seasons.
What matters is staying curious about each other and being willing to experiment. The best relationships treat sex like an ongoing conversation, not a one-time performance review.
[Read: Top 50 kinky sex ideas worth trying at least once in your lifetime!]
If you can laugh about it, talk about it, and occasionally surprise each other, then the pillow princess crown stays on, the pillows stay fluffed, and everyone leaves the royal chambers satisfied, grinning, and maybe just a little bit smug.
