When I met my boyfriend, he was mustache free. He occasionally wore a five o’clock shadow, which was both dreamy and handsome. The scratchy kisses weren’t too bad as long as he didn’t leave the stubble for more than a few days. All in all, my boyfriend was pleased with his facial hair, and so was I.
However, all of that changed after a fundraising initiative kicked off the events that would alter my boyfriend’s facial hair for years to come. The fundraiser focused on raising awareness and money for men’s health issues (often overshadowed by other long-standing charities and causes) by having participants grow a mustache for one month.
I was completely behind this one-month mustache because it was in support of such an amazing cause. Yet, I was not prepared for the long-term consequences I would face when the one-month mustache quickly turned into a much more long-term facial hair fiasco.
I realize there is a level of respect achieved when a man successfully grows facial hair, and that the confidence and manliness factor attained by such facial hair is positive for any man.
As well, I acknowledge that facial hair kisses succeed in higher levels of rough-sexiness. However, despite this, there are a few things that I grew to resent about my boyfriend’s legendary mustache.
The disadvantages of dating a man with a mustache
It was the following particular points that turned me off the facial accessory for good.
#1 Kissing undergoes several changes. Well, I mentioned before that facial hair could contribute to a higher level of rugged sexiness while kissing, but the novelty of this wears off extremely fast. The mustache, and its placement on the upper lip can impact the quality of your kisses as stray hairs can tickle, poke and scratch at your lips and skin. As well, depending on the length of the mustache, hair can actually find its way into your mouth during your make-out sessions.
Over time, the mustache can actually impact your desire to kiss and fool around, as you know it could lead to a rash on your face *or other body parts* and loose hairs in the back of your throat. Also, my boyfriend actually began refusing kisses if it meant possible destruction of the perfect curl, or smudging that hint of color, which leads me to the next disadvantage.
#2 Mustaches can be high maintenance. As the growth of my boyfriend’s mustache continued, so did the ever-growing list of products and mustache-care techniques and rituals. Did you know there is such a thing as mustache wax, shampoo, coloring tints and even miniature combs designed specifically for facial hair styling? Neither did I.
It was not uncommon for me to be waiting for my boyfriend to perfectly style his mustache before we were able to go for dinner, or meet our friends for drinks. The obsession with the perfectly styled mustache resulted in his constant habit of twirling the ends, or pulling out his miniature mustache comb mid-conversation to straighten up any loose strands. Maybe it’s because I’m personally a fairly low-maintenance kind of girl, but this relentless primping and prodding became too much to handle.
#3 People could perceive your mustached-boyfriend as a pervert. Mustaches were once only an accessory of pornstars and perverts. So, people who haven’t jumped on the stylish mustache trend often took a glaring second look at my boyfriend and his well-groomed facial addition.
I’m not sure if I was over-sensitive to this matter or not. But I’m certain people really did hold their children tighter and lunch-yard monitors did send scolding looks across fenced playgrounds. I don’t particularly like to be associated with perverts, so the fact that my boyfriend might have been perceived as one was definitely a disadvantage.
#4 Mustaches can cause over-confidence and swollen egos. Over time, my boyfriend became aware of the fact that he was gaining more man-credits because of his successful mustache. This promoted a deep confidence within himself that allowed him to perceive his mustache, and his general importance greater than those around him. Well, self-confidence is a completely positive quality but an inflated ego, stemming from facial hair, is generally unappealing.
#5 Mustaches add at least 10 years. Another disadvantage of my boyfriend’s mustache was the fact that it caused him to appear about 10 years older than his actual age. Not only was my boyfriend constantly defending the fact that he was still in his late twenties, I had the pleasure of being judged for having a “thing” for older men.
#6 The mustache was a gateway for further facial hair additions. As I mentioned, the mustache was only the beginning. My boyfriend’s confidence in his mustache growing ability, the onslaught of facial hair products, and his disregard for hairless kisses led to over one year of outrageous facial hair experimentation.
There were several adaptations of the mustache, a goatee, a style actually termed “mutton chops”, and a full on lumberjack beard. Well, my boyfriend was skilled in the mustache department, he severely lacked in the beard arena. After six months of desperation to fill in the patches, he finally surrendered the attempt and settled for the trendy ‘handlebar’ mustache.
While these drawbacks of the mustache trend come from personal experience, I am sure that more than a few of you can relate to my unfortunate experience with my boyfriend’s facial hair.
Your kisses and hook-ups will change significantly, the amount of time your boyfriend spends in the mirror will triple, and the potential for miscalculated pervert status and old age becomes rampant. Possible over-confidence due to said mustache is also a possibility. Not to mention you will be dealing with facial hair experimentation for much longer than you originally predicted.
Perhaps you could compromise on the situation, and if your boyfriend wants to raise funds for men’s health, or try out a different facial hair trend, you could draw up a contract that clearly state a few guidelines. The length of time, style, and causes for dismissal are all specifics you should agree upon so as not to end up resenting the mighty mustache.
So do you have a mustache story of your own? As a man or a woman, do you think it’s an advantage or a disadvantage, especially when it comes to your lover’s opinions?
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