5 Real Reasons We Fall for Emotionally Unavailable Men

5 reasons why women fall for emotionally unavailable men

What is it with emotionally distant guys that so many women go crazy for? Here are the 5 reasons we just can’t seem to resist their aloof appeal. By Colleen Anne Javellana

One of the many banes of a woman’s existence is when she falls in love with a man who doesn’t shower her with the attention she wants.

At first, it might seem like the perfect love story. She meets someone who does not know what it is like to “fall in love” so she will give him all the affection he needs, and everything seems happy and blissful. Or is it?

The appeal of the asshole

Many women have fallen in love or in lust with emotionally distant men. You might already be familiar with the type: men who don’t want a committed relationship or don’t believe in that thing called monogamy.

On paper, these types of men seem to be the stuff of many women’s relationship nightmares: men who would cheat at the drop of a hat, men who think emotions are just a ton of baggage to carry. Sadly, a lot of women have found themselves to be caught in the enticing trap of the “asshole effect.”

What is the asshole effect, and how appealing is it to women? Famous sitcoms, such as the recently concluded “How I Met Your Mother” have gone so far as to romanticize these types of men. Think of Barney Stinson and his never-ending quest to bed every single woman out there.

Sure, Barney might have hurt a lot of women along the way because of his many escapades, but the audience couldn’t quite shake the appeal of this certain character. At the end of the day, you might call Barney Stinson an asshole, but it is his confidence and charisma that get him the girl.

There are certain traits in the male character that appeal to women. One of these key characteristics is confidence. Women are instantly drawn to this certain male who would walk into a room, with his head held up high. This man has absolutely no insecurities and he shows it.

Intelligence also attracts women. They are drawn to men who can hold an intelligent conversation. It’s like foreplay to them. Men who could effectively talk about what appeals to a certain woman’s interests, like art or literature, for instance, is certainly using his intelligence to his advantage. Women are also attracted to men who display a strong sense of leadership, the types who can lead a group towards the right direction.

The above mentioned traits are certain characteristics of men that have nothing to do with being your typical nice guy. In fact, these characteristics are those being displayed by the assholes of the world. This is why women are so hung over “jerks” and tend to “friendzone” a lot of nice men. [Read: 18 clear signs you’ve fallen deep in a girl’s friend zone!]

Why do women fall for emotionally unavailable guys?

So why do women continue to fall for these jerks, who would ultimately break their hearts and leave them devastated? Here are five reasons why the jerks seem to win the dating game so often:

#1 A woman’s self-esteem is crucial when it comes to choosing relationships. Now it might be a rather trite saying that self-esteem is very important as one advances in life. Not all men are jerks to begin with, in fact, some of them might have experienced some form of rejection in the past, and this is a sort of retaliation to cover up whatever hurts it brought upon them. Still, there are those who were born to be jerks and their chemical makeup reeks of it.

Women who find this sort of man to be appealing may suffer from low self-esteem issues, as they feel that their relationship “couldn’t get any better than this” or “they will never find a better guy than this one.” Low self-esteem can lead to poor choices when it comes down to choosing relationships. It would leave you crying after left hanging once again. [Read: How to quit being manipulated in your relationship]

#2 Women seem to love “the chase.”  While it is true that men love the thrill of the chase, the absolute truth is that women love the chase as well. Though only a few women would admit it, they experience a real rush when they pursue what they the most.  In this case, the object of desire is the emotionally unavailable male.

Now these women aren’t the “stupid floozies” that society has perceived them to be. Rather, they are women who seem to think that getting their hands on a man like this will give them a sense of validation.

Think back to when you were in high school when you had this huge crush on an upper classman. What made you so attracted to him? The thrill of attaining the unattainable made you want that upper classman so much. After all, getting something that you know you could never have leaves this sort of impact on you, doesn’t it?

#3 Women believe that they could “change the guy.” When a woman enters into this type of relationship where the “sweet girl” falls in love with the stereotypical “bad boy,” she goes about thinking that she could “change him.”

He’s a philanderer? I will change him into the most faithful man that you have ever seen. He’s an alcoholic? I will turn him sober by the time I am through with him. Many women, especially those who find themselves to be entering serious relationships for the first time, think that they could tame the “beast within.”

Sadly, these women will come to realize that people would only change if they want to change. There is such a thing called “free will” after all. This would then leave the women who love bad boys to realize that only the guy calls the shots when it comes to changing his behavior. [Read: 10 relationship deal breakers to watch out for]

#4 Women tend to go for people who replicate the rejection that they had when they were children. Now don’t go thinking that this is some overused psychobabble! A great number of women who fall for the elusive emotionally unavailable male tend to have a lot of rejection issues during their childhood. It might have been some form of attention that they might not have received from one or both of their parents. These women might have faced rejection from their peers while growing up, as well.

Getting into a relationship with emotionally unavailable men might be a way of proving to themselves and to the world that they are not entirely unlovable, because the type that would typically reject them has finally started dating them. Sadly, this compensation for the love they didn’t get in their childhood makes them think that the guy’s emotionally distant and potentially abusive behavior is the price they need to pay.

#5 We always want what we can’t have. This goes back to the upper classman theory explained a while back. Remember the time when you were in elementary school, and your parents told you that you couldn’t have a cookie? The more your parents told you that you couldn’t have those cookies, the more you wanted it. So you decided to sneak into the kitchen and have your fill of cookies. That’s what’s going through the mind of a woman who wants that unreachable guy.

The challenge of acquiring the unattainable will always have this effect on her. The emotionally unavailable male becomes a challenge, a conquest that would ultimately make her feel validated.

[Read: 15 types of toxic relationships you should avoid]

When you think about it, it may be tempting to try and be the emotionally distant guy who gets all those girls. But in reality, you’re just bringing trouble to yourself and to your relationship. After all, won’t it be better to be the true gentleman, instead of the guy who drops women left and right without caring about a real relationship?

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Colleen Anne Javellana
I'm a quirky and passionate individual who believes in True Love. I live for deep conversations and a good novel to read. I am in love with Life, and I want to ...
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