If you’ve been asking yourself, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” then you’re probably looking for solutions. Luckily we have everything you need to know.
“Am I emotionally unavailable?” This isn’t a question that enough people ask themselves enough. People who are emotionally unavailable often think others are too available or have excuses for why they aren’t getting close to people.
Could this be you? Figuring out if you’re emotionally unavailable can be difficult and admitting it to yourself can be even harder. Once you find out if you are emotionally unavailable, there is a lot of work to do to become more open.
But first, what does being emotionally unavailable really mean?
[Read: How to be vulnerable in a relationship and feel closer]
What does it mean to be emotionally unavailable?
Being emotionally unavailable means you don’t like discussing your feelings or others’ feelings. It’s usually linked to a fear of intimacy. That fear can come from various places like past relationships, childhood, and more.
If you’re asking yourself, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” take a look at how well you do with others. If you’re emotionally unavailable, it may hinder your romantic relationships, friendships, and even teamwork at your job.
Those who are emotionally unavailable struggle to open up to others and find it uncomfortable when others open up to them. [Read: 25 self-discovery questions to bring you closer to learning who you are]
Emotionally unavailable people also tend to think others open up too much or too soon. They may label people as needy or desperate for wanting a personal connection when they are holding back their need for that connection.
Think about emotional availability as any other sort of availability. If you’re available to make plans you have free time to do so. Emotionally, you can connect with others if you have the space and ability to do so.
But just like being busy, other parts of your life fill that space leaving it blocked for others to fit in. [Read: What does it mean to be vulnerable? 15 ways you can open up more]
Is it bad to be emotionally unavailable?
It is important to know that being emotionally unavailable doesn’t make you a bad person. It just means you have some personal growth to endure before you can make a meaningful connection.
So don’t be hard on yourself when you’re asking yourself “Am I emotionally unavailable?” If you are, don’t fret. Learning how to grow and do better is part of life. [Read: 29 signs someone doesn’t care about you or your feelings]
Can emotionally unavailable people fall in love?
Anyone can fall in love. In fact, falling in love is a wonderful human experience. However, an emotionally unavailable person might not know when they’ve fallen in love.
When you close yourself off from other people, you also, in a way, close yourself off to yourself. That means if you’re emotionally unavailable, you might not have a good understanding of your own emotions.
You could be deeply in love with someone right now and have absolutely no idea!
But again, that’s nothing that you can’t learn. [Read: 103 heartfelt signs to know if you love someone or are falling in love]
Am I emotionally unavailable?
Because you came looking for this feature and made it this far, you’re probably answering in the affirmative to the question, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” And hopefully, that means you want to do something about it.
To be sure you are emotionally unavailable, let’s take a look at some of the prime examples. If you notice yourself falling into these patterns regularly, you may be emotionally unavailable. But, the good news is it can be dealt with.
1. You like the chase
If you like the part of dating where you’re unsure if someone likes you, but you run as soon as they admit they do, you are likely emotionally unavailable.
You like the excitement that comes with not knowing and not being sure, but it becomes boring or too much once feelings are verbalized. [Read: Mind games in a relationship – why play, when it’s okay & how to stop it]
2. You avoid compromise
Someone who is emotionally unavailable will not do things that are inconvenient for them.
You won’t go out of your way to make plans. You’ll want to meet near your house or at a time that works for you. You won’t change plans to fit someone else’s needs. This could be for a date or even a night out with friends or family.
3. You always hit a roadblock
You never seem to get past a certain point in dating. Something always stops you from going deeper. You never get past a month or a few dates because that’s when most people start to open up.
4. You always find a flaw
Being emotionally unavailable is a defense mechanism in many ways, and one way to prevent yourself from getting too close to someone is to push them away, even when there is no actual reason.
If you find yourself being overly critical or picky when it comes to dating, you are forcing an imperfection to end things. You try to make an excuse for why things won’t work. [Read: How to be less critical – 15 reasons why you judge & how to stop it]
5. You struggle with patience
If you lose your temper with waiters or service workers, it is another sign that you won’t change your schedule to fit someone else’s needs.
Having an issue with patience shows an unwillingness to bend for others or work with them. [Read: Do you have the patience for dating or are you frustrated by it?]
6. You hide your past
Being unwilling to discuss your past relationships or childhood could be a sign of emotional unavailability. Not wanting to open up about things you’ve endured shows you’re not being vulnerable and not wanting to be close to someone.
7. You avoid conversations about the future
Not only will you avoid talking about the past, but you also don’t like to plan for the future with others. You don’t want to rely on someone or have someone rely on you.
Still asking yourself, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” Well, if the idea of commitment even a few weeks into the future gives you anxiety, you might be.
8. You feel like others are needy
Claiming that someone you’re dating or even a friend is needy for reaching out or asking for your help shows that you struggle with true bonding.
Being friends or dating comes with a closeness you’re not used to, so when someone wants that with you, you consider it too much. [Read: 19 rules to be a good partner in a relationship & make them feel lucky]
9. You keep your options open
You are always waiting for something better. Even if you’re seeing someone you like and can’t find a flaw, you always have other options. You don’t want to settle or be pinned down.
10. You avoid milestones
Even if you’ve been seeing someone for a while, you’ll go out of your way to avoid milestones.
These include meeting their friends or parents, going to work events with them, or inviting them to meet anyone in your life. You won’t go away for vacations together or even want to leave them in your house when you run out for coffee. [Read: How to recognize an emotionally distant partner and deal with them]
11. You tend to think of relationships as a “job”
Sure, there are times in a relationship when you’ll have to do something you don’t really want to do.
Drive your partner to the airport, spend hours shopping in a store you don’t care about, and hang out with people you don’t know because they’re vaguely related to your partner. There are moments in relationships when you have to compromise, and it can sometimes feel like a chore.
But love should never, ever feel like a job. Even when you’re doing the worst chores, like taking out the trash, you’re doing it for the person you love and to make their day easier.
But if even replying to their text feels like a chore, you might be emotionally unavailable.
12. You withhold personal feelings and thoughts
Whether because you’re afraid to be vulnerable or because you can’t be bothered, you tend to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.
But if you don’t let people in, that’s the definition of being emotionally unavailable. [Read: 19 reasons why we’re afraid to open up to people & steps to overcome it]
13. You want to continue seeing other people
If you’ve only been on one date with someone, wanting to continue dating isn’t grounds for asking yourself, “Am I emotionally unavailable?”
But if you’ve been seeing someone for a month, six months, or even a whole year, and you still don’t feel enough of a connection or spark with them to delete the dating apps off your phone, you’re emotionally unavailable.
14. You are naturally distrustful
If your emotional unavailability presents itself as natural distrust, you might be using it as a defense mechanism. [Read: How to trust again & give someone your heart when you’re scared]
You might’ve been hurt or betrayed in the past, so now you don’t trust anyone and you remain emotionally unavailable to avoid a repeat of that betrayal.
15. You think that drama and intimacy are one and the same
Are you more likely to get into conflict with someone you’re intimate with than a stranger on the street? Yeah, technically, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t have intimacy without drama.
If you avoid intimacy because you aren’t a fan of drama, you’re just making an excuse for your emotional unavailability.
But remember, conflict is a good thing. It means that you care about something so much that you’re willing to fight for it. [Read: Why fighting in a relationship is important & how to do it right]
16. You’re quick to cut people off
At the slightest inconvenience, you end relationships and friendships like they meant nothing to you.
Maybe it’s because they actually meant nothing to you. You remain emotionally unavailable to everyone, so when they let you down or slip up once, you have no problem cutting all ties.
17. You break your promises
This can be anything from breaking plans or standing someone up or something more serious. But you don’t want anyone expecting anything from you so when you do agree to something, you make sure you break that promise so they don’t rely on you.
18. You snap with anger
You get unreasonably mad for small things. Maybe your schedule didn’t go as planned, or someone is trying to talk to you about something important.
If you snap when something breaks from your routine, it can make you highly uncomfortable to the point of anger. [Read: Are you selfish in the relationship? 19 signs you’re being a user]
19. You struggle to communicate
This is a major sign that you’re emotionally unavailable. Not only will you struggle to communicate big things, but you’ll not even want to talk about anything serious.
You struggle to deal with someone’s criticism. You won’t share your feelings about the person you’re dating or what you want from them.
Instead of telling someone that you aren’t looking for anything serious, you will avoid the subject altogether.
20. You’re hot and cold
While you’re asking yourself, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” think about how hot and cold you are with people.
Even if you’re showing all these signs of being emotionally unavailable, you are still human and crave a level of connection. This can show itself through being hot and cold.
You could spend two days straight with someone and really enjoy their company. But to cancel that out, you won’t talk to them for a week afterward.
When you do get close to someone, you switch it off quickly and intensely. [Read: How to tell someone is using you – 22 signs a user just can’t hide]
21. You’re likely to ghost
You have no issue with ghosting someone when things become too intense. In order to avoid talking about your feelings or sharing intimacy, you will ghost someone you feel you’ve gotten too close to.
You won’t work through conflicts, flaws, or even offer someone closure because it keeps a safe distance between you and something deeper. [Read: How to apologize for ghosting a friend, make up with them & fix the friendship]
22. You don’t like labels
If you’re emotionally unavailable, you’ve never referred to someone as your girlfriend or boyfriend. You avoid calling anything a relationship. Even if you spend a lot of time with someone and have that closeness, you will avoid labeling that so you can protect yourself from expectations.
Refusing to call a relationship a relationship shows you want the benefits without any of the actual commitment and seriousness.
23. You’re afraid of being hurt
Most emotional unavailability is about a fear of being hurt, but this is something you feel deep down.
On the surface, you may claim you want to be independent, or don’t want to worry about someone else, but really deep down you think you’re unworthy or incapable of love. [Read: What does it mean to be vulnerable? 15 ways you can open up more]
Where does it come from?
You’ve read through the list, and you’re starting to answer your question, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” But before you learn how to stop being emotionally unavailable, you need to learn where your vulnerability issues come from.
When you figure out the root cause, it’s so much easier to overcome it.
1. Attachment issues
Maybe you’ve never been good at forming attachments. Or maybe you used to form attachments to others too quickly and too deeply, so now you force yourself to be emotionally unavailable to protect yourself.
Either way, issues with forming attachments usually come from a turbulent childhood. If you had negligent parents or even helicopter parents, it could lead to attachment issues in adulthood. [Read: Attachment styles theory – the types and 19 ways you attach to others]
2. Mental health struggles
If you suffer from a mental illness, like depression, for example, you may find emotional unavailability flaring up at times when your depression gets worse.
When your mental health is at its worst and you don’t even care about yourself, it can feel exhausting to care about other people. [Read: Why we need to breakdown the stigma of mental illness]
3. A bad relationship past
As we’ve already briefly covered, you might be asking yourself “Am I emotionally unavailable?” now when you never used to have such worries because you’ve been through a rough past.
Cheating partners, backstabbing friends, or dishonest dates – you’ve been let down and betrayed so many times that you now put up a wall between yourself and other people as a means to protect yourself from being hurt again.
How to stop being emotionally unavailable
Realizing what your emotional unavailability is doing to others can help you correct your behavior. Acknowledging that your behavior has hurt others, and could have potentially made them emotionally unavailable, can help you to process why you’ve been fighting deeper connections.
So, if you really want to open yourself up and stop asking yourself, “Am I emotionally unavailable?”, follow these tips:
1. Identify the cause
Hopefully, the above section will have helped you to identify where your emotional availability issues stem from, but if not, then do some serious soul-searching.
You won’t be able to open yourself up to being emotionally available until you realize why you’ve closed yourself off, to begin with.
2. Practice opening up
It may be scary but trust us. If you just try once, you’ll see that it’s not that scary.
Maybe trying telling a close family member a small secret or a thought you’ve been keeping to yourself. It could even be something as small as telling a coworker about a weakness of yours. No matter how you start opening up, it’s that first leap that counts.
The more you open yourself up, the easier it will become, so jump over that first hurdle now, because you’ll find that it’s the tallest one. [Read: Relationship anxiety – what it is, 44 signs, feelings & ways to get over it]
3. Take it slow
Don’t overwhelm yourself. Deciding that you want to change your emotionally unavailable ways doesn’t mean that you make a drastic personality shift overnight.
It means that you slowly start opening yourself up to people and letting them get to know you on an intimate level. It means opening yourself to people one person at a time, one secret thought or feeling at a time.
Take this journey slowly, because if you overwhelm yourself, you’ll freak yourself out and resort back to your old ways. Then you’ll never stop wondering, “Am I emotionally unavailable?”
4. Involve your partner
If you’ve allowed someone to get close enough to you to be your partner, then involve them.
You don’t have to go through this alone. In fact, it might be easier to open yourself up if you let just one person know about your opening-up journey.
That way, they can encourage and support you when you’re struggling or doubting yourself. [Read: 42 secrets to communicate better in a relationship & ways to fix a lack of it]
5. Spend time with people in healthy relationships
If all of your friends are in bad relationships, that’s only going to warp your ideas about relationships and intimacy further. So, make it a point to spend time with couples in healthy relationships.
When you see that pure love and absolute trust can exist in a healthy and fulfilling relationship, your own defense walls will start to crumble.
6. See a therapist
Emotional unavailability is no joke. As you can see from the main causes of emotional availability issues *complicated childhood, mental health struggles, and a traumatizing relationship past*, these are complex scenarios.
If you think you’ll need the support of a professional to help you work through these complicated issues, there’s no shame in that. In fact, going to therapy is an incredibly strong move and something that you should be proud of.
[Read: How to be emotionally available – 17 ways to open up to love & life]
So, what do you think when you ask yourself, “Am I emotionally unavailable?” If yes, are you ready to improve your life? Use these tips to help you open up to those around you and change your life for the better once and for all.
