The age-old question, “Should I text him first?” But what are you supposed to actually do? We have the answers you’re looking for!
Communication is supposed to be easy… So why is deciding who will text first so complicated? Whether it’s right after a great date, tomorrow, or three days from now, when are you supposed to text a guy first, if at all?
You know that feeling when you finally send that risky ‘Hey, I had fun :)’ text, and then your stomach flips every time your phone buzzes, only to realize it’s just another boost on your MIRL app? That’s modern crush panic in a notification.
The truth is that this anxiety comes mostly from insecurity and what society has told us is the right way to approach this type of situation. These dating rules were often built around gender roles and fear of rejection, and they haven’t aged well.
📚 Source: Sprecher, S. et al. (2013) – “Who initiates dating? Gender differences and implications
There are no hard and fast rules for when you should text someone. Every situation is different. [Read: Texting before the first date – 15 rules to make them eager to see you]
What to do when you start asking yourself, “Should I text him first?”
Society’s so-called dating rules, like “wait three days” or “never double text”, should honestly be fossilized by now. We live in an age of instant connection, not medieval courting rituals. So if you had a great date, why does texting him first still feel like breaking some sacred code?
Because underneath the question is a bigger fear: What if texting first makes me look desperate?
And that fear isn’t totally unfounded, clinginess can be a turn-off, especially in early dating when things are still fragile and undefined.
That fear is rooted in our biological need for acceptance, humans are wired to belong, and early romantic uncertainty can trigger an emotional threat response.
📚 Source: Baumeister, R.F. & Leary, M.R. (1995) – The need to belong
But here’s the real tea: confidence is always more attractive than strategic silence.
So yes, text him first if you’re doing it from a grounded place, not a panicked one. There are no hard rules, but there is an emotional code of conduct. And if you want to build something real, playing it cool isn’t about games, it’s about self-respect. [Read: 21 Signs to Know When to Stop Texting a Guy & He Doesn’t Care As Much]
The quick answer: should you text him?
No. Not until you’ve finished reading this piece, at least. You might be excited about a new relationship and that’s great, but coming off as crazy and clingy over text can quickly squash any feelings this guy may have for you.
Calm your butterflies, and think about the situation a bit. Remember the golden rule: someone who wants to talk to you will do so.
That being said, the question of whether or not you should text him first is one of the very first things that will pop into your head. Here’s everything you should do when asking yourself this very common question.
1. Take a chill pill
Before you make any decisions, you need to relax for a minute. Having a new potential significant other can have your nerves going crazy. The high of a new relationship is almost like a drug, and it should come with a warning label.
Those nerves can cause you to do things that you normally wouldn’t. You might panic at the silence and do something stupid, like texting him a ridiculously long message that makes you seem needy, desperate, and, worst of all, annoying.
So, before you do anything, put your phone down. Take several deep breaths. If possible, go do something else for a little while, then come back to the text you want to send.
2. Consider how long it has been
Texting a guy right after your date can seem really needy and desperate, two of the worst things that you can be after starting a new fling. So, you have to decide just how long it’s really been since you’ve talked to him.
If it’s only been a day, wait it out and see if he’ll text you. If it’s been a couple of days and you’re genuinely curious as to what he’s been up to, shoot him an engaging text that will pique his interest and spark a conversation. [Read: Reasons why he’s MIA and not replying to your texts]
You don’t want to get stuck waiting to text each other because you both are afraid of coming across as desperate. But you also don’t want to be blowing up the phone of someone who is not interested in you. Patience is key.
3. Get a friend’s opinion
You can be a bit biased when it comes to someone new on the horizon. Try to get your friend’s opinion on whether or not it’s too soon to text him.
She’ll most likely give you an unbiased answer, and it always helps to have a clear-thinking person in your corner.
But remember, good advice not taken is useless. If your friend is telling you it’s best to back off, then back off. Otherwise, what’s the point of asking?
You’re going to try your very best to justify any reason that you can come up with to text someone you really like. This is why you need a friend to give you a second opinion. If they can spot the neediness a mile away, guess what? So can he!
4. Ask yourself if you’re being needy and clingy
Someone who has gone on one or two dates with you doesn’t necessarily owe you any of his time. It is far too early in the relationship to start making demands for when he texts you back.
If he isn’t texting back, maybe he is busy or maybe he doesn’t like you that much. Either way, double texting and being clingy are not going to solve the issue.
So, before you send that text, ask yourself if it’s going to make you seem needy. Would you be annoyed if someone texted you as quickly as you wanted to text him? If the answer is yes, don’t text him yet. [Read: Effective ways to stop being so needy and insecure]
5. Do you always text first?
If you’ve been texting this guy for a while, ask yourself, do you always text first? If so, he might not like you that much.
It sounds harsh, but if you are doing all the work to talk to him, he might just be going along with it. You deserve someone who wants to talk to you, not someone who thinks you’re just “good enough.”
If you always text first, stop for a while and see what happens. If the conversation drops dead, then you have your answer.
6. Has he texted/contacted you in any way?
If the two of you have been talking already and you’re thinking about initiating a new conversation, then you’re in the clear to send him a quick hello.
If he’s been contacting you already, then he obviously enjoys talking to you. In this situation, you should be perfectly fine to send him the first text this time.
Just make sure it’s not always you texting him first. [Read: What to text a guy when you want to make the first move]
7. Has he responded to your previous text?
So, let’s say you’ve been talking to this guy for a while. Then he just stops. You send him a text, but no reply. Now a few days have gone by, and you wonder if you should text him again.
No. You shouldn’t. If he dropped the conversation, he should pick it back up. If he doesn’t, you can safely assume he isn’t interested in talking to you and move on with your life.
8. Decide how you feel about him
Sometimes, the jitters from a first date can carry on and we can get a skewed perception of whether or not we actually like someone.
This means that you’ll really have to think hard about whether you really like him, or if you’re just excited about the possibility of starting a new fling.
9. Think about how the date went
You should also think long and hard about how your date with him went. If it was a complete blast and you had a great time, wait a day or so before texting him. That gives both of you time to mull over the wonderful date and even miss the other person.
If the date went south but you still really like him, try texting him the same night or even the next morning and say that you would love to go on a second date.
He may think he’s ruined his chances already, so this is a great opportunity for you to make your feelings clear and get to know him better without seeming needy. [Read: 16 first date tips for girls to dazzle your date]
10. Think about what you would say
You have a big crush and his phone number, but do you have anything interesting to say?
If you can’t think of anything relevant to say and you just want to get that text back, then don’t text him. Wait until you have a topic of conversation, or until he texts you first.
11. Mirror his communication energy
You know that moment when you’re waiting hours for a reply and thinking, “Well, maybe he’s just not a texter,” while simultaneously writing paragraphs like you’re submitting an essay to the Board of Romance? Yeah, don’t do that.
One of the simplest ways to gauge interest without overanalyzing is to mirror his texting energy. If he texts every couple of days, there’s no need to reply within seconds or initiate daily. This isn’t a game, it’s emotional calibration.
Psychologically, we’re wired to respond to people who match our pace and energy. This is called the Chameleon Effect, where mirroring behaviors builds connection and trust. And yes, that applies to texting, too.
📚 Source: Chartrand & Bargh, 1999 – The Chameleon Effect
12. Are you seeking connection, or just soothing anxiety?
There’s a difference between texting someone because you genuinely want to connect, and texting them because your nervous system is screaming for relief. Before you reach out, pause and ask: Am I texting to get closer, or to feel less anxious?
When you’re operating from an anxious-attachment state, texting becomes less about building a bond and more about chasing a hit of validation. That’s emotional self-soothing, not intimacy. And while the dopamine rush is real, it rarely lasts, and often leads to disappointment if he doesn’t reply how you hoped.
Try journaling your thoughts first. Or voice-note a friend before you hit send. Create just enough space between your impulse and your action to see what’s really driving you.
📚 Source: Kross et al., 2011 – Social rejection triggers physical pain response
13. Would you regret texting, or not texting?
Sometimes, when you’re totally stuck between “Should I reach out?” and “Should I wait?”, the best trick is to fast-forward. Imagine it’s a week from now. Would you feel worse having texted him and getting no reply, or not texting and never knowing?
This decision-making shortcut is based on Regret Minimization Theory. It works because it shifts your focus from short-term anxiety to long-term clarity. It’s not about winning or losing, it’s about making peace with your choice, whichever way it goes.
If texting him feels like something you’d regret not doing, especially if it’s a sincere, light message, then do it. But if you suspect you’re doing it to force a response or make him prove something? That’s a different story.
📚 Source: Kahneman & Tversky, 1979 – Prospect Theory
14. How secure are you in yourself, regardless of his reply?
Here’s a gut-check question: Would his reply, or his silence, change how you feel about yourself today?
If the answer is yes, pause. That doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human. But it’s also a sign that you may be putting too much of your self-worth into someone else’s hands. That kind of emotional outsourcing makes early dating feel like an exhausting rollercoaster.
Instead, wait until you’re texting from a place of grounded self-esteem. You want to reach out because you’re confident, curious, and present, not because you’re hoping he’ll rescue you from a self-esteem dip.
📚 Source: Campbell et al., 1996 – Self-concept clarity and well-being
15. Look at his pattern, not just his last text
We tend to romanticize one great text as a sign of something real, but healthy connection isn’t proven in one flirty message. It’s proven over time, through patterns of behavior.
Did he reply thoughtfully once, then ghost for a week? Is he hot and cold? Does he only reply at night, or when it’s convenient for him? These things matter. Don’t let one sweet reply override weeks of inconsistency.
Think like a detective, don’t just collect cute evidence. Look for the trend.
16. Check your fantasy filter
Are you texting the real him, or the one you’ve created in your imagination?
Early attraction comes with a whole cocktail of hormones (thank you, dopamine and oxytocin), and they love to dress someone up in the best possible light.
But before you hit send, do a quick vibe check: are you reaching out because you genuinely like who he is now, or because you’re clinging to the version you hope he becomes?
Fantasy bonding can feel thrilling, but it often leads to disappointment. If you’re not sure whether the connection is real or idealized, give it time. Texting from clarity beats texting from craving every single time.
📚 Source: Firestone, L. (2010) – Fantasy Bond Theory
17. Have you been drinking or late-night overthinking?
It’s 11:42 p.m. You’ve got a wine buzz, some background Taylor Swift, and a burning urge to text him “Hey you :)” just to see what happens. Please, close the app.
Nighttime is peak vulnerability hour. Emotional impulse + reduced inhibition = texts you’ll wish you could unsend. If you’re texting him late, tired, or tipsy, chances are it’s not your best self talking, it’s your anxious, overthinking inner voice trying to feel seen.
Sleep on it. If you still want to send it in the morning, you’ll know it’s coming from clarity, not chaos.
18. Does this feel empowering or draining?
Before you hit send, ask: Does this feel good? Or does this feel like I’m begging for crumbs?
If texting him feels light, fun, and aligned with your confident self, send it. But if it feels like you’re spiraling, bracing for disappointment, or hoping for just a little bit of reassurance, it might be a sign that you’re texting from an emotionally depleted place.
Your intuition knows the difference. Empowered texting feels calm. Draining texting feels desperate. One leads to connection, the other leads to self-doubt.
19. Are you mad at him for ghosting you?
So, you’ve been ghosted. We have a lot of features about what to do when you’ve been ghosted, but what you should NOT do is text the person who ghosted you.
Ghosting is a decision. He is currently choosing to not talk to you and, like it or not, you have to accept that. Sending him a long, nasty text message may seem tempting, but resist that urge because you’re almost guaranteed to regret it.
Text or no text, you will still be ghosted. You might as well walk away with your head held high.
20. If you have a reason to text him, text him
If you really had an embarrassing moment during your date or you just had something ridiculous happen and you feel you should text him an apology, then by all means, do it. Don’t wait for him to text you first.
When it’s totally okay to break the rules and text him first
Not all of these rules have to be followed, and in certain situations, you should actually bypass them altogether. Here’s when you can skip the above rules and text him right away.
This isn’t the 1800s. If you see something funny on social media and want to text it to him, go for it. Doing this doesn’t require a slew of debate on your part, and he’ll be happy to have reminded you of something. [Read: How to flirt with a guy over text in simple steps]
2. You have urgent news involving him
We all know that there are certain things that can happen on the first date *or even during a one-night stand* that can result in some urgent news.
If you have something extremely important to tell him, skip all of the rules above and just text him. [Read: The texting and follow-up guide after a great first date]
3. He’s shown consistent interest already
If this isn’t your first time texting, and he’s been warm and responsive, you’re not breaking any rules, you’re just continuing a vibe. Don’t overthink mutual momentum.
4. You feel confident, not anxious
The best reason to text him? Because you want to, not because you need to. If you’re texting from clarity, excitement, or a genuine desire to connect (not a hope that he’ll validate you), that’s green-light energy.
5. You’re okay with any outcome
If you’ve reached the point where getting a reply is a bonus, not a necessity, you’re emotionally ready. You’ve taken the pressure off, and that’s when texting first feels empowering, not scary.
Don’t feel bad for wanting to text first
Sometimes wanting to text your crush can drive you crazy. This is totally normal. Don’t feel bad or desperate for wanting to talk to someone you like. After all, you like them, so, of course, you want to talk to them!
But there is a lot to be said about delayed gratification, even with texting. Remember that these early days are often the most exciting ones.
Don’t rush the process, instead, try to enjoy the excitement and uncertainty that comes with a new relationship. When you do get that text from him it will be all the more exciting!
So, should you text him first? The truth is, it’s not about who makes the first move, it’s about why you’re making it.
If you’re texting from confidence, curiosity, or genuine connection, then do it. But if you’re hoping a single message will prove your worth or fix mixed signals, pause.
Your energy is precious, and not everyone deserves front-row access to it. Texting should feel like a conversation, not an emotional gamble. You’re not chasing, you’re choosing. Big difference.
[Read: 80 Tips, Rules & Examples to Text a Guy First & Start a Fun Text Conversation]
When you’re racking your brain over the question, “should I text him first,” take a minute to get your bearings straight. You don’t have to take these steps EVERY time you want to text the same guy, but these guidelines can help you think through the butterflies.
