Learning how to feel secure in a relationship isn’t as easy as it sounds. Open up and let them in. You’ll be glad you did.
Learning how to feel secure in a relationship takes time. You can’t just decide that you’re going to go for it and never feel scared or anxious. It’s vital that you give yourself the time you need and work at a pace that’s comfortable for you.
Relationships aren’t easy. They look like they should be, but they’re not.
If you watch TV shows or Hollywood movies, they make it seem like all you do is meet someone, flirt a little, fall in love, and boom! You’re in it for life. They rarely show you the emotional worries, fear, and paranoia that it’s all going to go wrong again.
Many people struggle to open up and allow themselves to be loved. Again, it sounds easy, but when you’ve been hurt in the past, letting your guard down and allowing someone to know the ins and outs of your life and heart is extremely hard. Some people don’t manage it and others have several attempts before they finally get it right.
Personally, I struggled with learning how to feel secure in a relationship for years. I had very low self-esteem and always thought that it was about to go spectacularly wrong, or maybe they were only dating me for a joke. I know, it’s terrible to look back on it now, but that’s how past experiences can influence your current way of thinking.
The good news is that I managed to slowly overcome the barriers I was placing before my romantic happiness, and you can too.
Learning how to feel secure in a relationship
The first thing is to acknowledge that you’re placing barriers where they don’t need to be. You’ll know because everything will seem so forced and difficult. When a relationship is healthy and happy, it just flows. However, when you don’t feel happy or secure, you place problems where problems don’t need to be. You assume that dark days are coming and always think the worst.
So, why are you doing that? Is it because you have low self-esteem due to bullying at school? Did you go through a tough breakup that dragged all your self-belief away? Have you had a bad relationship in the past that made you question yourself? Were you cheated on?
These are all common reasons why someone will find it difficult to move forward and overcome barriers they regularly place in front of positive and happy events. In many ways, you’re trying to protect yourself, but the problem is, there’s nothing bad there to protect yourself from, it’s something you’re imagining.
So, how can you learn how to feel secure in a relationship after such an event or issue? It really comes down to taking your time and being willing to try. Again, that sounds easy, but it’s not.
Communicate with your partner. You don’t have to delve into your inner psyche and past history, but if there is something which does hold you back, tell them about it. This doesn’t have to be a huge conversation just let them know that you’re trying.
If they care and are a decent person, they’ll hang around while you work slowly through your problems, and it will all be worth it in the end. However, be careful not to push your issues onto them because that’s likely to work in the opposite direction.
Opening up isn’t the easiest thing in the world and it takes a leap of faith, but if you don’t try, you’ll never know. Be brave enough to just try. The worse case scenario is that it doesn’t work, but you will look back with pride that you opened up and allowed yourself to be vulnerable once the initial sting has gone.
Unlike the movies, not all relationships work out on the first try. Sometimes you really do have to kiss a few frogs to find the right one.
Whatever you went through in the past, it isn’t your new partner’s fault. They’re not responsible for whatever has happened to you or whatever someone else has done.
For instance, if you were cheated on in the past, you could easily assume that every person you date from that point on is going to do the same. They’re not. I mean, they might, but it’s far from guaranteed. You can easily push someone wonderful away because you wrongly assume they’re going to hurt you. How do you know? Do you have a crystal ball?
Unless you do, and if so, please let me have a go, you should take people at face value. Of course, don’t spill all your life’s secrets and open yourself up completely to someone you’ve just met, but take small, measured steps towards allowing someone new into your life. By doing that, you’ll learn how to feel secure in a relationship because you’re not constantly looking over your shoulder and worrying that the past is about to come back and repeat itself. [Read: 20 signs of insecurity people can’t hide when they feel insecure]
It all comes down to trust
Do you want to know the key to learning how to feel secure in a relationship? Trust.
If you don’t trust your partner, you’ll never feel secure or happy. You’ll never believe a word they say and always where they are and what they’re up to. You’ll literally drive yourself insane.
Trust issues are the number one reason why relationships fail. If you can’t trust your partner, you have to question why you’re even bothering. Have they done something to cause you not to trust them, or is this you projecting your past issues onto them? There’s a huge difference between the two situations. [Read: The 10 signs your past relationship is holding you back]
When you learn how to feel secure in a relationship, everything will change for the better. You’ll have a carefree and easy way about you. You’ll learn to truly open up and be yourself, probably for the first time in a long time, and you’ll appreciate the relationship for everything it is.
Of course, that’s what Hollywood projects from the start, but trust must be earned.
Feeling comfortable and secure takes time, even if you don’t have past baggage. For me, it only started to happen when I learned to accept myself. It sounds all ‘out there,’ but it’s the truth. You can’t really be happy in any relationship unless you’re happy with yourself.
That sometimes means accepting the past for what it was and learning from it, vowing to make the future better. If you can do that, slowly but surely, you’ll understand what those Hollywood movies have been talking about for all these years, and you’ll finally ‘get it.’
So, my wish for you is that you can sit down and be honest with yourself. Figure out the real issue, identify where it came from, and learn to open up and accept your partner for who they are. Talk things through, communicate; it will help! And you’ll learn how to feel secure in a relationship for the first time. It will be a momentous feeling, for sure.