There are two types of people in my life. There are the surface people who look at me like I am laid back and couldn’t care less about anyone or anything, and then there are the people who truly know me.
The truth is I made my way through life being called “Julial.” What does that stand for? That stands for “Julie will.” Why do people call me Julial? Exactly for what the sentence implies, Julie pretty much does anything to make people happy.
I sometimes teeter between thinking I am a “pleaser,” but when it all comes right down to it, it stems from insecurity. I forever assumed people simply couldn’t like me for what was inside, I assumed they were more interested in what was on the exterior and what I could do for them.
People who are insecure think if someone knew who they were on the inside, all hell would break loose. Take for example, the features I write… I typically ask myself “why would anyone want to read what I have to say?” Here is the biggest reason why I think this–because I am insecure.
See, when someone calls you insecure, what you hear is a negative connotation.
What insecure means has nothing to do with what or who you are, it is all in the perception of what you think people think you are. Sound confusing? It really isn’t. Insecure people don’t lack in anything but the confidence to know all the gifts they give to the world. [Read: People pleaser – 20 common signs most people just don’t see]
Why am I insecure? The key to overcoming insecurity
If you wonder why you are insecure, there is probably a time in your childhood where someone significant, or someone you valued, made you feel not good enough. You internalized it and carried it around like a backpack. The bigger unfortunate, the same person set you on a course to find people who disapprove so you convince them that you are worthy of love.
A continual apology tour, early experiences likely set you out to seek people who are judgmental and tell you what you want to hear *which by the way is not a good thing*.
The key to overcoming your insecurity is surrounding yourself only with those people who love and cherish all the gifts you have. Think about it honestly, you can have one hundred people who adore and love you, yet you focus on the one, seek out the one, maybe even marry the one, who becomes your self-fulfilling prophecy. [Read: 16 reasons why people always find it easy to take you for granted]
Find your inner awesome
If you want to find security, change these 20 habits and find the awesome inner you who doesn’t give a shit.
#1 Stop thinking your job is to make people happy. No one put you on earth to make everyone else happy. Stop thinking it is your job. Often, people with insecurity put the feelings of others ahead of their own.
When you constantly try to make people happy, you only make yourself unhappy. It is a vicious cycle that leads you to feel like a failure, which only breeds more insecurity. [Read: Sabotaging your happiness: 12 ways you can ruin your life]
#2 Realize there are going to be people who don’t like you specifically because everyone likes you. You don’t like everyone, do you? You must stop thinking that if you were better, nicer, kinder, prettier, or whatever, people would like you. Some personalities just don’t meld together well.
#3 If someone doesn’t like you it is on them, not you. It is okay if someone doesn’t particularly care for you. It isn’t your problem, it is theirs. Some people will not like you because you try too hard to be liked. It is a complex world, people are complex beings.
#4 Stop thinking you are so important. The problem many insecure people have is they, and I hate to sound mean because I don’t mean it this way, think too much of themselves. Truthfully, humans are pretty self-absorbed creatures.
Insecure people think they hold more importance in the lives of those around them. They think someone thinks about them past saying “hi” and continually evaluates how people feel about them. It isn’t that you aren’t important, it is just people have their own shit going on. [Read: The art of not giving a shit: How to not care in 15 steps]
#5 Ask yourself why you don’t deserve the same piece of the pie. Insecure people don’t think enough of themselves to think other people like them or that they deserve good things. If you are insecure, you should figure out what it is about yourself that you don’t think is worthy of love or good things.
#6 What’s the worst that could happen if someone doesn’t like you? When you are insecure, you care very deeply about what others think about you. It is nothing more than a whole lot of wasted time. Before you start to ruminate about why someone didn’t call you back and lead yourself down the “I did something wrong, and they don’t like me” train.
Stop to think about what is the worst that could happen if they didn’t like you. There are billions of people on earth. If they moved on, there are other people in your life, let them go.
#7 Learn to love you. Insecurity really comes down to you not liking you. If you are okay with yourself and love who you are, then you don’t really care about what others think of you.
Insecure people place too much stock in what others think about them because they aren’t sure how they feel about themselves. If you want to stop being insecure, find a way to love yourself. [Read: How to stop loving someone else and love yourself more]
#8 If you like you, who cares about anyone else? If you want to dance in the middle of the hallway, do it. Insecure people care way too much about what other people think. If you like you, if you like to do something, or you want to do it, just do it. Stop being limited by worrying so much about what other people think. So what if they don’t like you? How does that hurt you unless you let it?
#9 Stop judging other people. Often, people who are hard on other people are hard on themselves. Perhaps if you stop judging other people, you will stop feeling like people judge you.
#10 Forgive yourself. Insecure people feel bad about themselves. It usually stems from their childhood or past experiences. Whatever it was in your past that made you form your opinion of yourself, whether it was an overbearing mother, a father who couldn’t be bothered with you, or a learning disability that had you on the “slow track,” stop seeing yourself in that light.
Learn to forgive and forget if you want to stop being so insecure and find the best inner you. [Read: Should you forgive and forget? 15 guidelines to follow]
#11 Surround yourself with genuine people. Sometimes insecure people latch onto people who aren’t good for them. Certain personality types are very toxic to each other. Insecure people constantly seek validation and affirmation.
Finding people in your life who are selfish and only take, without providing you feelings of security, only further adds fuel to your insecure fire. Choose people who aren’t self-absorbed and give back as much as they take.
#12 Drop toxic people who hold you back. If you have someone in your life who continues to take, only wants to be with you when it is good for them, or takes continually without giving back, they make you feel worse about yourself and create more insecurity.
Sometimes no matter how much we think we love someone, if they make your already anxious insecurity that much worse, cut them loose. [Read: How to recognize and stop selfish people from hurting you]
#13 You only need one. You don’t need a million people in your life. In fact, you only need one true and genuine person at your side. If you have one “emergency contact,” then you can be peripheral with everyone else. Just try to be surface, be yourself, but don’t put it all out there to be hurt.
#14 Improve those things you don’t like about yourself. The best way to cure insecurity is to work on those things that make you feel insecure. If you don’t like that you talk too much, or that you are too brash, try to change those things about you, and you won’t feel so awkward the next time you are out. [Read: What am I doing with my life? How to break through the rut]
#15 Always conduct yourself with integrity. Insecure people often ruminate over a situation and think about what they did. That creates a ton of anxiety. If you always conduct yourself with integrity, you won’t ever feel bad about what you did, or worry about what people think. If you do the right thing, then you won’t fear what people think about you.
#16 If it is in the past, let it go. Insecurity makes us think about previous situations, and they shape how we think future ones will go. The best way to get past your insecurity is to let your past go and try to think of every new day as a do-over. To do that you must let go of your past. Don’t let too much of yesterday ruin today.
#17 Be yourself. If you try too hard to be what and who someone else wants you to be, cut it out. The only you you are supposed to be is the genuine one. Feeling like a fake makes you feel very insecure. [Read: Achieving self-acceptance: 10 little steps for one big change]
#18 Work on unresolved issues. Insecurity typically stems from childhood. Often, you have no idea why you even feel the way that you do. We form opinions about ourselves and our worlds very early on. Therapy may be an excellent way to figure out what happened and help you work past your preconceived notions that drive your insecurity.
#19 Be self-sufficient. If you always rely on someone else to make your decisions, pay your bills, or take care of you, then you never learn to stand on your own two feet. Sometimes we must have something that is all ours and that we are successful at to feel secure about our future and who we are. [Read: 10 self-reflective questions to help stay true to yourself]
#20 Keep busy. Idle minds really are a devil’s playground. Insecure people don’t do very well when they aren’t busy and have a lot to do. Instead of spending your Monday morning thinking about all the things that may have happened on the weekend, or all the mistakes you may have made, get out and do something tol lift your spirits. Distractions are an insecure person’s best friend.
[Read: How to stop being insecure – 15 steps to transform your life]
Insecurity is not a fun way to live life. Constantly worrying about what other people think of you is a whole lot of wasted energy. If you like you, who the hell cares what anyone else thinks. So, start finding a way to love yourself.
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A writer isn’t born, but created out of experiences. No lack of subject matter, my life reads more like fiction than anything that could have been imagined...
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