What Is Unrequited Love, 38 Signs, Effects & How Long It Take To Get Out

No one wants to experience unrequited love, but almost all of us do at some point. It’s that gut-wrenching feeling of loving someone who doesn’t love you back. It keeps you up at night, has you overthinking every interaction, and worst of all… it chips away at your self-worth.

[Read: Limerence – what it is, the effects and 26 ways it’s so different from love]

Obviously, unrequited love sucks. But, if you learn more about it, how it feels, how it happens, and what to do about it, then you can come out of it stronger than ever.

What is unrequited love?

Psychologists define it as one-sided love, where one person’s romantic feelings aren’t returned by the other. And while it might feel like a harmless crush at first, research shows unrequited love can lead to anxiety, obsessive thinking, and depressive symptoms if it drags on.

📚 Source: Baumeister, R.F., & Wotman, S.R., 1992, Unrequited Love: On Heartbreak, Anger, Guilt, Scriptlessness and Humiliation

[Read: Don’t want to fall in love? 23 steps to stop loving someone who’ll hurt you]

When we have feelings for someone, we have this fantasy in our head that they’ll return our feelings, and we’ll live happily ever after.

But that’s now how life goes, at least most of the time. That’s why unrequited love hurts so much because the fantasy in your head is crushed when you know they don’t feel the same way.

And of course, you can’t force someone to love you back, that’s not how love works. [Read: How to heal from the pain of loving someone who doesn’t love you back]

Let’s break down the causes, the types, and the subtle signs of unrequited love, so you can recognize it early and find your way out before it breaks your heart further.

👉 Want to learn the secrets to overcome unrequited love? Start here:

Signs that you’re experiencing unrequited love in a relationship or situationship

Difficult as it may be to know exactly how someone feels about you, you can still look at some signs to clue you in on whether or not the one you love also loves you back. Sometimes, it’s easy to imagine scenarios or fantasize about what the object of your affection may be feeling towards you. But look for these signs to help you understand the truth better.

📚 Source: Mu Hu, et al., 2022, Roles of Romantic Beliefs and Imagined Interaction in Unrequited Love

1. They frequently ignore your messages

Texting or online messaging can be great ways to keep in contact with your significant other or the person you are interested in. [Read: 25 honest truths and ways to stop feeling ignored by someone you like]

They are great ways to communicate, flirt, and basically, just give each other attention.

But if the person you are in love with is keeping an icy distance over text, that can be a warning sign that the feeling isn’t mutual.

2. Unequal amounts of gift giving

If you are spending hundreds or thousands of dollars on the person you love, but they aren’t spending nearly enough on you, that can be a red flag. [Read: 19 signs of a taker in a relationship – are you a giver or a taker?]

Even if the person doesn’t have much money, they can still reciprocate by doing favors for you. If you get neither favors nor gifts for your efforts, then the one you’re spending so much on may not reciprocate your feelings.

📚 Source: Aron, A., et al., 2005, Reward, motivation in beloveds vs. unrequited love

3. They hardly ever want to cuddle

This might mean they aren’t invested in the connection. Cuddling is a close bonding experience that goes outside the realm of pure sexual desire.

It can be quite intimate. So, if your partner is dodging cuddle sessions left and right, that could mean that they don’t want to bond with you any further. [Read: 20 loving and romantic touches in a relationship to make you feel closer]

4. They frequently flirt with other people

If your significant other is out there flirting up a storm, this could definitely be a signal that something is wrong.

Maybe you stopped flirting with people a long time ago because you are only interested in them. But if they are still flirting big time, you might want to take note of that. There could be trouble in paradise.

5. They avoid spending time with you

Despite having enough free time to pencil in some bonding time with you, the person you like still makes up a bunch of excuses. [Read: Falling out of love – why it happens, 23 reasons, and signs to see it ASAP]

Things would be even worse if they keep making the same excuses, as this means they’re not even bothering with coming up with anything plausible just to fend you off.

6. Their body language blocks you off

Although this is more of a subtle sign that the person whom you love doesn’t love you back, it can also be one of the most important ones.

Body language oftentimes conveys a lot of emotion. And importantly, it can convey an emotion that the person doesn’t want to communicate verbally for one reason or another. [Read: Body language attraction – 58 male and female signs and how to read and use them]

If your love interest’s body language is flat or distant, especially when they’re interacting with you, this could definitely mean that something is wrong.

7. There’s no passion in the bedroom

Keep in mind that just because someone sleeps with you, doesn’t mean they love you. When two people are really into each other, the sex can be extremely passionate. There is a give-and-take between the two people that is highly rewarding and satisfying.

But, one sign that your feelings aren’t reciprocated is lackluster sex life. Even if your partner isn’t that great in bed, there should at least be some semblance of passion to show that they are into you. [Read: Spark in a relationship – 20 reasons why it’s gone and how to bring it back]

8. They avoid eye contact with you

There is a common saying that, “the eyes are the windows to the soul.”

Not looking you directly in the eyes could be a sign of a lack of interest, a wish that they were somewhere else entirely, or even hesitation to tell you outright that they don’t want to be with you.

9. They won’t let you use their phone

Refusal to let you use their phone could mean that your partner is hiding something from you, such as flirty texts or pictures from someone else. [Read: Dammit, why doesn’t he like me back? 31 reasons why guys do this]

But other than that, it can also be a sign that they don’t trust you enough to look through their correspondences.

10. They lie about their whereabouts

Occasionally, you may catch the person whom you love lying to you about where they are going. [Read: 12 types of liars, 15 types of lies, they often use, and ways to deal with them]

If they say that they are going to watch the baseball game at the bar, but you know that the game isn’t on until tomorrow, this could be a warning sign. Also, they may also not care that you caught them in a lie at all.

11. You feel alone in the relationship

Do you ever feel like you’re the only one who puts in any actual effort to make the relationship work? Do you feel as if your partner has just given up, but they just haven’t had the nerve to tell you they want to get out of the relationship?

Feeling alone may be a sign that your partner has completely neglected your needs, and is just waiting on you to give it all up and move on. [Read: 28 truths about feeling alone in a relationship and how to fix it ASAP]

They don’t completely disappear, but they never fully show up either. They’ll like your Instagram story, send a flirty reply once in a while, or respond just enough to keep you hoping. This is known as breadcrumbing, offering tiny morsels of attention so you never fully walk away. [Read: Breadcrumbing: What It Is, 28 Signs to See It & Respond and Why People Do It]

It’s confusing because it feels like maybe they like you. But deep down, you know if someone truly wanted to be with you, you wouldn’t feel like you’re chasing crumbs. Love doesn’t keep you guessing, manipulation does.

If you’re constantly stalking their likes, watching their stories to see if they watched yours, or decoding vague captions, that’s a huge red flag. When love is unrequited, your brain starts searching for micro-signals of hope, even if those signals don’t exist.

This obsession doesn’t bring clarity, it just increases anxiety and makes the longing worse. In healthy love, you don’t need detective work to feel secure. Your heart knows, and so does your nervous system. [Read: Obsessive Love: How & Why It Happens, 34 Signs of Obsession & the Bad Effects]

14. You initiate everything

You’re the one always texting first, planning hangouts, suggesting calls, or asking if they’re free. If you stopped reaching out, the connection would probably die within a week. That imbalance says everything.

Love is a dance, not a solo. If you’re doing all the emotional labor, you’re not in a partnership, you’re in a monologue.

15. They “forget” important things about you

You told them about a big exam, a family event, or how much you love that weird niche band, and they just… forgot. It’s painful when someone you care about doesn’t seem to remember you.

According to relationship psychology, people remember the things that matter to them, especially when they’re emotionally invested. When you constantly feel unseen or overlooked, it’s not your memory they’re missing, it’s your value they’re not registering.

📚 Source: Reis & Shaver, 2018, Intimacy as an interpersonal process

16. You feel more anxious than excited when they’re around

Butterflies are fun. But that knot in your stomach? That’s not romance, that’s attachment anxiety. If you find yourself overthinking what to say, how to act, or walking on eggshells, that’s your nervous system telling you this bond doesn’t feel safe. Real attraction may come with nerves, but it also brings warmth, not tension.

📚 Source: Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007, Attachment in Adulthood

17. You keep imagining romantic scenarios where they finally fall for you

You spend hours daydreaming about the perfect moment they realize they love you back. While fantasies can be harmless, excessive mental escapism signals unmet emotional needs.

If the only place the love exists is in your imagination, that’s a clear sign the reality isn’t fulfilling you. The danger is, you get emotionally invested in a version of them, not the real them. And that’s what keeps you stuck.

18. They open up to you… about someone else they like

They trust you, sure. But not in the way you want. They vent about their ex, ask for advice about a crush, or share details about someone they’re dating, with you.

When you’re in unrequited love, this hits hard. You’re their emotional support system, but never their chosen person. And the worst part? You keep listening, hoping it’ll make you matter more.

19. You find yourself constantly making excuses for their behavior

They cancel plans last-minute? “They’re probably just stressed.” They flirt with your friend? “They didn’t mean anything by it.”

When you’re emotionally attached, it’s tempting to justify red flags so you can hold onto hope. But every time you excuse their disregard, you teach yourself that your needs don’t matter. That’s not love, that’s self-abandonment. [Read: New Relationship Doubts: 22 Toxic & Normal Signs to Read What You Feel]

20. Your friends are more worried than you are

They see you hurt, confused, and constantly disappointed. And at some point, one of them says, “Babe, I don’t think they feel the same way.”

It’s hard to hear, but often, your friends are the mirror you need when you’re too deep in the fantasy. If multiple people who love you are concerned, it’s worth listening.

21. Your gut knows it’s one-sided, but your heart keeps hoping

That quiet voice inside, the one that whispers, this isn’t it, is usually right. But the heart is stubborn. When we’re attached, we often confuse intensity with compatibility.

You can feel deeply for someone and still recognize that the connection is unbalanced. The hardest part is honoring that truth, even when hope begs you not to. [Read: One-Sided Relationship: How It Feels, 69 Toxic Signs & Steps to Fix It ASAP]

👉 Want to understand your mind and emotions under unrequited love? Read these:

What causes unrequited love?

When you are experiencing unrequited love, your judgment can be clouded, and so you don’t see or understand things the way they really are. So, you’re probably wondering what even causes unrequited love. Here are your answers.

1. Lack of chemistry

Sexual chemistry is something that is almost unexplainable. You either feel it or you don’t. And just because you feel it with someone doesn’t mean that they feel the same way. [Read: Sexual chemistry – what it is, how it feels, 52 signs, and ways to increase it]

Even if you are very attractive, that doesn’t guarantee chemistry with everyone you take a liking to. Chemistry just comes down to many different factors, and sometimes two people just don’t have two-way chemistry.

2. When you chase after them, leaving them feeling overwhelmed

Sadly, people want what they can’t have, it’s just part of human nature. So, if you’ve been chasing after someone because you want them so badly, that might turn them off. Neediness and clinginess aren’t very attractive to most people.

They may even find you physically attractive, but if your personality seems desperate and you lack self-esteem, they will not develop feelings for you. [Read: Stop chasing him – why guys run and why you shouldn’t chase them]

So, if you don’t want to experience unrequited love, it’s best to work on your confidence.

3. Wrong timing

You’ve probably heard the saying, “right person, wrong time.” Well, there’s a reason that saying exists, it’s mostly true. There are times in people’s lives when they just aren’t open to a relationship for whatever reason.

They could feel like they are too young, just broken up *or divorced*, be long-distance, or any other variety of reasons. [Read: Timing in love and relationships – why it’s so important]

So, sometimes unrequited love can be more about circumstances and timing. They might not allow themselves to feel any love because of that.

Types of unrequited love

Believe it or not, there isn’t just one type of unrequited love, there are several. Do you relate to any of these?

1. Loving someone who does not return those feelings

This type of unrequited can manifest in a couple of different ways. [Read: Loveless relationship – reasons why people choose to stay]

First could be a relationship with someone who you love, but they don’t feel the same for you. This is mostly a “loveless” marriage/relationship, but only on one side.

Second, you could feel love for a friend or acquaintance, who isn’t romantically interested in you. Whether you are life-long friends or they’re someone you just met, it doesn’t matter. You have a crush or are deeply in love with them, but they don’t feel the same way.

2. Pining for someone who isn’t available

The first type includes two single people or two in a relationship together. But for this type, you are in love with someone who you can’t have. [Read: 19 truths to stop liking someone or crushing on them if they’re not into you]

You are single, but they are in a relationship, married, or unavailable for some other reason. They probably don’t have feelings for you like you do because they simply can’t be with you for whatever reason.

3. Mutual attraction between people who are both in other relationships

If you both are in relationships, or even married, then this is the third type of unrequited love. [Read: Having a crush while in a relationship – why it’s okay and what to know]

You are both attracted to each other and maybe even have feelings too. However, the likelihood of you being together is very small because you’re both unavailable.

4. Desire for an ex after a relationship ended

This type of unrequited love is quite common. There are many instances where two people break up, but only one of them actually wants to.

So, if you’re still in love with an ex, but they broke up with you because they don’t feel the same way, then your love is unrequited.

Unrequited vs. requited love

When someone doesn’t return your feelings, that’s the end of the story. There’s no changing the facts or changing their mind. They just don’t like you the same way. [Read: 36 healthy ways to handle rejection and respond positively even if it hurts]

But with requited love, the person you’re attracted to feels the same way. This is what everyone hopes for when it comes to their love life.

Okay, we’re not saying you’d automatically ride into happily ever after if love is reciprocated, but this is a start. The person you love loves you back, and it’s the best feeling in the world. It’s the exact opposite of how devastating unrequited love feels.

When they like you back, you can actually do something about those feelings. You can go on dates and develop your connection toward a possible relationship. [Read: What is one-sided love? 20 ways to cope when you’re not loved back]

But with unrequited love, there’s no chance of these things ever happening.

Experiencing unrequited love

The most painful part of unrequited love is when you fall in love with someone and express your feelings, and they turn you down for some reason or the other. [Read: Why do girls reject me? 40 reasons and the best ways to respond to a rejection]

You know you have to move on and get over this person who’s pierced your heart, but guess what; you’re just not able to.

Your life starts to revolve around this one person and with every day that passes, you only feel more miserable and hopeless. It’s a sad place to be, and that’s definitely not an exaggeration.

If you want to know how to get over unrequited love and have a happy life that’s full of sunshine again, you need to be truthful to yourself and follow everything mentioned here. [Read: 103 heartfelt signs to know if you love someone or are falling in love]

Get these steps right and you’ll definitely be able to walk away with dignity.

Getting deeper into unrequited love

The biggest mistake most people make in unrequited love is to cling to a string of hope, with a wish that their crush will love them back someday.

Now there are no clear stages in unrequited love, but with each passing day that you involuntarily let yourself fall more in love with this person, the deeper you’re going to sink into unrequited love and the more painful your experience will be.

It’s always better to watch for signs of reciprocation so you can know whether to pursue someone or not, but these signs are never easy to decipher, especially if your crush is playing with your feelings. [Read: 75 huge signs to tell if a guy likes you and ways to make him like you more]

The best thing to do at times like these is either to back away and meet someone else.

Or if you think you can handle it, pursue your crush, but keep yourself occupied with other things and date other people so you’re not slipping deeper into the quicksand of unrequited love.

Impact of unrequited love

Obviously, unrequited love is not a positive experience, so the impact it will have on you won’t be very good. It can be a source of emotional turmoil. Here are some potential effects. 📚 Source: Baumeister, R.F., 1995, The need to belong: desire for interpersonal attachments

1. Poor self-esteem

The longer you harbor feelings for someone who doesn’t return them, the more damage it can do to your self-worth. It reinforces the belief that you’re not desirable or good enough, especially if rejection comes after vulnerability.

Psychologically, unreciprocated love can create a feedback loop of self-blame, leading you to question your worth in other relationships too. This internal narrative, if left unchecked, can affect how you present yourself socially and romantically in the future. [Read: Sense of Self: What It Is, 36 Signs, Tips & Steps to Raise It and Feel Great]

2. Isolation

When you’re wrapped up in longing for someone who doesn’t love you back, it can feel all-consuming. You might withdraw from friends or ignore opportunities to meet new people because your emotional energy is tied up in the fantasy.

This isolation isn’t just emotional, it’s physical too. According to research, social rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain, making isolation in unrequited love even more intense. 📚 Source: Eisenberger, N. I., et al., 2003, Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion

3. Stress and anxiety

Unrequited love doesn’t just break your heart, it messes with your cortisol levels. Being in a state of emotional uncertainty can trigger a stress response similar to fight or flight.

The anxiety of not knowing where you stand, reading into mixed signals, or wondering if you’ll ever be enough creates ongoing emotional distress. Long-term, this chronic stress can affect your sleep, concentration, immune system, and even your appetite. 📚 Source: Sapolsky, R. M., 2004, Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers

4. Romantic obsession

Repeated rejection or inconsistent attention in unrequited love can activate the same neural pathways associated with addiction.

This is why it can feel so hard to “quit” someone who isn’t good for you. You crave the emotional highs (a smile, a text, a glance), and the lows push you deeper into craving more. It’s not just emotional, it’s neurochemical. [Read: Obsessive Love Disorder: What Causes It, 21 Signs & How to Get Over It]

5. Difficulty trusting future partners

After investing deeply in someone who didn’t return your feelings, your emotional guard might go up. You could struggle to open up, fearing rejection again.

It might manifest as hypervigilance in new relationships, overanalyzing behaviors, or emotionally shutting down at the first sign of disinterest. Unrequited love, if unresolved, can leave lasting emotional imprints that show up as trust issues later. [Read: 22 Things to Let Go Of & Fall in Love Again When You’re Hurt After a Breakup]

How to get over unrequited love and move on

If you suffer from a rejection like unrequited love, there are ways to try and get back on your feet sooner rather than later. [Read: Fear of rejection – 56 signs, causes, and ways to overcome and get over it]

The faster you get over someone who doesn’t like you back, the better. After all, if they don’t feel the same way, there really is no point in dwelling on it.

It’s more than likely in the future that you meet someone better, who makes you happier, and, most importantly, likes you back too.

The sooner you stop wallowing in misery about this other person, the sooner you open yourself up to the experiences and people who make it happen! [Read: 30 signs of a one-sided relationship and how to fix it before it ends]

So, what can you do to get over unrequited love? Here are some tried and tested pieces of advice 👉 How to Get Over Unrequited Love & 32 Healing Steps to Move On for Good

How long does unrequited love last?

This is a difficult question to answer because everyone is different. For some, unrequited love might only last a few weeks or months. But for others, it might go on for years, or even a lifetime. [Read: 25 BIG signs a girl doesn’t like you and has rejected you already]

The main determining factor for how long it lasts mostly depends on your self-esteem, if you have a full and exciting life, and whether or not you have any contact with the object of your affection.

If you are able to cut contact with them, then you will eventually grow out of love with them. However, if they are an integral part of your life for whatever reason, then it will be more difficult to get over them and move on.

In order to recover from unrequited love, it’s important to understand that the “love” never really existed. [Read: 29 healing steps to get over someone you never dated but loved deeply]

The only thing that was real was your one-sided fantasy of what a relationship with this person could have been like rather than the reality of the situation.

It’s actually healthy to let go of unrequited love. After all, why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t love you and only gives you pain because they don’t feel love for you? You should find someone who loves you as much as you love them.

When to get help

Most people eventually move past their unrequited love. However, for others, it’s very difficult and they might need some help. If you are experiencing any of the following, then you should seek help. [Read: Signs you need relationship help and where to find assistance]

1. You struggle to get back to your normal routine

Maybe you had a whole fantasy about your love affair worked up in your head. You played it over and over dreaming about the future with this person. But then when you find out that they don’t feel the same way, you can’t get back to normal.

2. You experience feelings of breakup depression

Many people get depressed for one reason or another from time to time. But if you are having intense feelings of depression because of a breakup that isn’t really going away with time, then you probably need a doctor or therapist to help you.

3. You ruminate on negative emotions

Maybe you’re overanalyzing and overthinking too much. You can’t help but think about how unlovable or unattractive you are. [Read: How to stop overthinking – secrets to go from overthinker to relaxer]

If you can’t get the negative thoughts and emotions out of your head and replace them with good ones, then that is a problem.

4. You have thoughts of suicide or self-harm

This one is a no-brainer and you should run to your nearest therapist or a trusted person. If you’re even contemplating suicide or self-harm, that is very serious. No unrequited love is worth hurting yourself or ending your life! There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

5. You want to explore patterns that lead to poor romantic relationships

Maybe because of this unrequited love, you realize that you have a history of poor romantic relationships.[Read: 70 true secrets to happiness to have a happy life and enjoy everything you do]

And maybe you choose the wrong people, and that’s why they don’t love you back. So, seek someone to help you explore your bad patterns so you can break them and be happier in the future.

Final thoughts on unrequited love

Unrequited love is painful, but understanding the signs and the psychology behind it helps you protect your heart before it gets too deep. Remember, real love goes both ways. If it’s not reciprocated, it’s not your forever love, it’s your next lesson. You deserve someone who chooses you back.

It might feel like this person is the only one who could ever make you feel this way. But that’s just the illusion of intensity that comes with longing, not love returned. The truth is, unrequited love teaches you more about yourself than about the other person.

It teaches you where your boundaries are. It reveals your emotional patterns. It holds up a mirror to the kind of love you think you deserve, and invites you to raise your standards.

The vast majority of people who experience unrequited love find that once they’re able to move on, they appreciate the experience for what it was. It might hurt right now, but that hurt will soften. And when it does, you’ll look back with clarity, maybe even with gratitude, because this heartbreak shaped your heart for someone far more deserving.

And when that person comes along? You’ll know. Because this time, they’ll choose you too.

[Read: How to tell if someone is using you – 22 signs a user just can’t hide]

The vast majority of people who experience unrequited love find that once they are able to move on, they appreciate the experience for what it was. It might hurt at that moment but once you move on, you’ll be thankful for the experience and lesson it gave you.

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