Let’s get this straight, understanding how to deal with jealousy and overcome it in a relationship isn’t easy. It’s almost impossible to feel loved up and empathetic when we believe our relationship is being threatened by some external force. And before we know it, we’re flying off our handle in a jealous rage.
What is jealousy in a relationship?
Before we even get to dealing with jealousy or even overcoming it, we really need to understand what it means to get jealous when you’re in a relationship.
So what is jealousy in love? Simply put, jealously is a thinly veiled mask that hides our insecurity in a relationship. We feel insecure and assume we may be losing our partner, and so we react through a jealous rage. But all the while, it’s our insecurity that hides behind the excuse of jealousy.
The funny thing about jealousy is that it can confuse anyone into believing that the relationship is threatened even if they’re in a perfectly happy relationship.
[Read: Why am I so jealous? How to find the hidden reasons and fix it]
Is jealousy really bad in a relationship?
Jealousy in a relationship crops up in many ways, but in essence, it’s a sign of insecurity and the fear of losing the one you love. But more importantly, you need to remember that jealously in a relationship is never ever a bad thing.
No one intentionally chooses to be jealous, and almost always, it’s misunderstanding and lack of communication that leads to jealousy.
How to deal with jealousy in a relationship
You may get jealous of your partner for several reasons. You may not like the fact that they’re hanging out with someone else and having a lot of fun, or you may just feel insecure about losing your lover to someone else.
While jealousy due to misunderstanding is acceptable, irrational jealousy is NEVER acceptable. [Read: 17 big signs of a jealous and possessive boyfriend]
When a partner is threatened or feels jealous for the smallest of reasons, it’s almost always a sign of internal insecurity and low self-esteem.
You may be driven by your fears of losing the one you love and your insecurities may reveal your jealousy as a plea for more love and care. It is human nature, after all, to crave for reassurance and love when doubt arises.
But you should always remember that jealousy is actually one of the biggest causes for the downfall of a relationship. So when you do feel jealous, you don’t bring your partner closer. In fact, you drive them away with your behavior! [Read: The signs of low self-esteem in a man that reveal his dark side]
How to learn to control jealousy and get rid of it
The most simplest answer can solve all your jealousy issues. BUT it’s also the hardest part of it all – Learn to trust your partner and don’t doubt them unnecessarily.
Regain your confidence and remember that they do love you, and your boyfriend or girlfriend is not going to stop loving you by just talking to someone attractive.
Let there be no secrecy and if something bothers you, tell your partner in a clear but non-confrontational manner that you did not like or appreciate their behavior. This is a lot better than the good old show of the green eyed monster. We’ll get to this in more detail below, so let’s read on until then. [Read: 18 no-fail ways to calm your jealous girlfriend’s fears]
The things we get jealous of in a relationship
Okay, let’s be honest here. It is definitely not easy to just smile and relax when you see your partner accepting and throwing around compliments *a.k.a. flirting* with other good looking people in person or on social media. It feels weird to come across an Instagram post where your partner has liked another hot guy or girl’s picture. [Read: 15 things you shouldn’t do on Instagram when you have a partner]
We feel hot under the collar when we see our partner hugging someone else goodbye, and the hug seems to linger just a wee bit longer than it should. Or when they get drunk and dance in someone else’s arms.
Whew, just the thought of the different ways the green eyed monster can be roused can make anyone’s head spin!
It’s a crazy world we live in these days, with more social interaction than ever before in the history of mankind *yeah, let’s ignore the part where we’re also the loneliest bunch of humans too!*
These days, you definitely need to be thick-skinned if you want to survive the early days of a new relationship that’s doused in jealous and insecure thoughts. Are we dating? Are we in a relationship? Am I being gaslighted? Am I being used? Is it okay for me to be feeling jealous right now? [Read: How to stop being insecure in a relationship and be happy together instead]
Honestly, no matter what you’re worried about, YES, it’s completely alright to feel jealous.
Your partner’s friend seems to be calling them late at night – yes, you can be jealous. Your partner seems to be spending too much time with their friends – yes, it’s okay to be jealous. Your partner likes someone else’s post – YES, you’re only human!
The flip side of the things we get jealous of in love
Now here’s something you need to ask yourself. Why do you believe your partner’s behavior is completely unacceptable?
Put yourself in their place. Someone compliments your post on social media, wouldn’t you thank them? Would you avoid liking a friend’s post just because they’re attractive? Wouldn’t you hug or kiss a very good friend if you bump into them after ages? Wouldn’t you be happy to see them? Haven’t you ever found yourself having a fun conversation with someone *flirting* while your partner wasn’t around? Wouldn’t you dance with a good looking friend if your partner’s too tired to dance anymore?
Jealousy rears its head, not by the actions of your partner or anything else, but by your own misconceptions. It’s all about the way you perceive and see things. Somehow, it’s all fine and innocent when we do it. But the minute our partner does the same, it’s way, way out of line!! [Read: How to feel secure in a relationship when you feel really insecure inside]
Why we get jealous so easily
Humans have a tendency of being pessimistic and hope for the worst when it comes to relationships, and this tendency affects your rational mind. If you were just sitting with your friends and you notice two of your friends who are dating each other bickering over a petty jealousy-induced fight, wouldn’t you tell yourself they were just acting stupid and immature?
Now how are you behaving when you mistrust your partner for similar reasons? The problem with dealing with jealousy in a relationship is that most people forget to put themselves in their partner’s shoes and see what they would have done. You may have had your share of fun too if you were in your lover’s place. [Read: Lack of empathy in a relationship – Why it matters and how to fix it]
How to overcome jealousy in a relationship – The steps both of you have to take
It is normal to get jealous in love, but jealousy should never be shoved aside or pushed under the carpet. The only way to overcome jealousy in a relationship is by confronting it and overcoming it.
At times, you may be the one who’s feeling jealous, or at times, your partner may be the one going green in their head. The best way to help each other is through effective communication and understanding. Here are a few steps you should always keep in mind.
#1 Listen to each other, really! Your partner may be trying to say something to you, so pay attention. Most of the times, when jealousy sets in, all your lover wants you to do is pay attention to them, and show them you still care.
If you want to keep your partner happy and have a healthy relationship, then both of you should be ready to listen to each other and hear what each of you have to say. Try to empathize and read your partner’s mind and their actions when they feel ignored, and give them enough attention if they’re feeling alone while you’re texting someone else. [Read: How to tell how your partner feels and learn to read their mind]
#2 Communicate and understand. If you’re jealous with your partner about something, then just tell them about it. You may sulk, give them the silent treatment, and make the day worse for the both of you.
Instead of plotting in your mind, just say what’s on your mind and you can work things out faster and have more time to spend in happiness, than in misery. And if your partner wants to tell you something, don’t walk away in a mad rage even if you’re convinced it makes no sense to you.
Remember, what seems like nonsense to you could mean a lot to your partner when they are hurt and crave for your reassurance. [Read: How to become a better person in the relationship and be happier too]
#3 Read the signs. Most of the times, even if your partner is hurt or feeling low, they may not tell you they’re feeling jealous about something you did because it’s embarassing. So look out for signs that suggest they’re feeling insecure about something you’ve done.
Sit down and talk to them. Coax your partner into saying what’s on their mind and let them know they mean a lot to you. Sometimes, it’s easy to misunderstand each other, but it’s always easier to make a partner feel more secure if you try.
#4 Put yourself in their shoes. One of the best ways to deal with jealousy in a relationship is to learn to put yourself in your lover’s shoes. What would you have done if you were in your lover’s place? Would you have behaved the same way?
Always put yourself in their shoes and try to understand what your partner is going through. Perhaps, you thought your partner was flirting. But maybe your partner was just being nice or trying to make a good impression on someone else, and you assumed they’re flirting. Does everything in the world have to revolve around your partner wanting to break up with you, or cheat on you? [Read: 15 steps to stop being so insecure and transform your life]
#5 Reassurance. One of the best ways to deal with jealousy is to reassure your partner when they’re feeling jealous. If you react with anger instead of reassurance, things will only get worse.
Tell your partner that you’re sorry to have neglected them unintentionally, if you did neglect them. Or just reassure your mate and let them know how much you love them and care about them.
When someone gets jealous, remember, more than anything else, they’re afraid of losing you and they want your attention, badly!
Do you get jealous easily and often? Don’t ignore the warning signs
Look, it’s all fair and nice when the “jealousy” we’re taking about is inside our own heads. But sometimes, you may end up dating someone who tries to gaslight you, or emotionally abuse you. [Read: How to spot gaslighting and shut it down for good]
As much as you’re willing to accommodate your partner’s behavior and see things from their perspective, never ever, ever put up with something your partner does if you wouldn’t do the same.
Use the steps we’ve mentioned earlier to see things from your partner’s point of view. But no matter how hard you try, if you still think your jealous thoughts are valid and can’t be justified by your partner, you have every right to have a talk with them. And put your foot down and tell them it’s unacceptable.
Never compromise who you are, just to stay in a relationship with someone who makes you feel insecure all the time. [Read: How to recognize the signs of emotional neglect in a relationship]
Jealousy and love and how to keep the harmony
In a normal, healthy relationship, remember that feeling jealous is not something to be ashamed of. It’s just that you care about someone too much and can’t imagine someone new taking them away from you.
At times, you may not like your boyfriend or girlfriend flirting with someone because you feel they’re having a better time, even without you around. This brings out a feeling of insecurity which can turn into bitter jealousy.
Jealousy can be cute if it’s experienced in moderation, but anything beyond that can change your happy relationship into a frustrated one. [Read: How to stop being so jealous and learn to live envy-free]
Learn to relax and have a good time when you’re in love, instead of suspecting your lover all the time. Jealousy in a relationship is just a subconscious way to get attention from the one you love, so learn to face situations and communicate with your partner when you feel low.
And always understand the importance of listening when your partner is depressed or angry because of jealousy. Instead of looking at their jealousy as something to be annoyed about, see it as an opportunity to reassure your love to them. And build a stronger, more secure and healthy relationship.
At times, jealousy in a relationship may seem trivial, but if not confronted and overcome, jealousy can burn your relationship apart.
Understanding and reassurance is what it takes to hold your love together and overpower the green eyed monster that’s lurking in the corners, waiting to hurt you and make you hate your lover. So overcome jealousy in a relationship and reassure, communicate and fall in love with your sweetheart, more with every day!
[Read: 15 signs of a healthy relationship you should always look for]
Almost always, jealousy in a relationship is the fear of losing a lover and not a sign of aggression or possessiveness. Learn to deal with jealousy in a relationship and overcome it by understanding these steps, and you’ll be in a much happier, and healthier, relationship too.
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