Should You Confess to Cheating on Your Partner?

confess to cheating

At times, we’re all faced with life altering questions and we’re lost for answers. If you ever find yourself cheating, should you confess to cheating on your partner?

Making up your mind on whether to confess or not is one of the most disturbing phases in a relationship.

Well, of course, so is getting into an affair in the first place.

But let’s not pretend like we’re all angels here.

Having an affair is inevitable, and it can happen even to the most loyal of partners.

It can be prevented though, but if you do find yourself crumpled in someone else’s sheets one afternoon, don’t hate yourself for it.

[Read: Having an affair with a married man]

Kick yourself, yes, but hate yourself?

Well, some things just happen and we don’t see it coming until it’s too late.

But the big question here is whether you should confess to cheating on your partner, even after you’re through with the affair.

Your bag of guilt may have gotten heavier with each passionate night with your lover, but now that you’ve decided to end it all and come clean, there’s more than a good bath that you’re going to need.

Figuring out whether you want to end an affair can seem complicated, but you’ll soon see that figuring out whether to confess to your partner or not can be just as confusing. So what do you want to do?

Should you confess to cheating?

Let’s face it. Your partner’s not going to be pleased to hear of your affair. In fact, they may be rather pissed off when they hear about it.

On one hand, they’ve had their heart broken because their loving partner who’s been cuddling them and pushing their head under a sweaty crotch has been doing the same to someone else. That’s gross, and definitely worth a heartbreak.

And secondly, your partner couldn’t bloody well figure it out until you revealed the lusty relevation! And that’s seriously going to make your partner feel… dumb.

So if you ever do confess to your partner that you’ve been a very bad boy/girl and have been getting jiggy with it, they’re going to feel angered, repulsed and disgusted by it. [Read: Cheating in a relationship]

Understanding the circumstances

You may just want to go ahead and reveal it all to your partner. You may want to kneel down and go on a confession spree while your partner sits down with their clenched fists in the mouth. That’s the right thing to do, that’s for sure. Really, how can you even sleep at night if all you hear is “cheater… cheater… cheater…” every time your partner holds you in their arms?

But here’s the thing, would it be better to shut your mouth and ignore the cheater cries or would it be better to ‘fess up and live guilt free? Weigh these pros and cons. And hey, make up your own mind… you cheater!

How would your partner react?

Are you willing to risk your marriage or your relationship over a little fling? Of course, you cheated and had an affair behind your partner’s back. But do you intend to do it again? If you sincerely feel bad about your horny shagathons, you should give your confession a serious thought. Is your love deep enough to survive an affair? Is your partner understanding enough to accept your lack-of-sexual-control and forgive you, or would your partner ever try to get back at you by having an affair themselves? Or worse, would your partner want to end the relationship?

Learning to forgive someone isn’t a weakness, it’s difficult to accept that we all make mistakes even though some mistakes are pretty damaging. The fact is, most people aren’t good with forgiveness. Confess if you must, but it would be wiser to do so only if you know your relationship is strong enough to survive your screw up. [Read: How to be happy in a marriage]

How will the confrontation affect your family and friends?

When you’re married, you come with a package, your family and its extended versions and friends of the family. Your spouse may be a loudmouth or a relative may understand what’s going on at the next family reunion. If the word does go out, will you (and your spouse) be shunned or become the cynosure for all the gossip? Would all of them be as understanding? Sometimes, locking away the guilt is way easier. It’s a sick thing to do, especially when your partner truly thinks you’re a saintly lover, but you’ll have to deal with it.

Can you (and your partner) put the episode behind?

At times, it is indeed better to just confess and put it all behind. It’ll make you feel better after a while and help you breathe easier. And if you ever call your own partner by your ex-lover’s name accidentally, it can be forgotten after a few months. In most cases, we’ve seen that a confession can actually bring partners closer in a relationship. But that happens only if both partners are willing to put it behind as a bad memory. So how certain are you that your partner has a secret box in their head where they can stash all your filthy dirt away?

Can you live with the guilt?

Guilt sucks the life off anyone. And if you’re truly in love with your own partner, you’re going to be terribly guilty about the whole bang-bang in another bed. So it all boils down to this. Can you really live with yourself and lie in your partner’s arms after doing all those dirty things with someone else? If you can’t, confess.

If you want to give guilty life a shot, then lock the secret away and don’t ever talk about it with anyone. You may feel uncomfortable for a long time, and you may even have sudden urges to confess. But think of the damage it could cause and hold it back in. [Read: Are you in love with two people?]

Try to understand the real fact, that banging someone else when you’re truly in love with your own partner will only feel good until you reach for the skies. After that, you’ll only feel sick and guilty. Promise yourself that you’re through with your cheating ways, and try to sleep in your own bed from now on. It’s a mistake that you can make up for.

Instead of rolling in another bed or wallowing in guilt, focus on your loyal partner and love them the way they love you. And soon enough, life can come back to normal for you and your ignorant partner, just as long as you don’t try cheating again because you didn’t get caught the first time around. [Read: Is it love or lust?]

Times when you definitely have to confess to cheating

# When your illicit lover blackmails you.

# When you want to use the fact that you cheated as an excuse to break up. But just make sure you go into the explicit details while explaining yourself.

# A friend of your partner sees you and your lover in a compromising position, be it a kiss or a missionary.

# A hidden cam video of you and your lover start doing the rounds all over the internet.

# When you pass on a sick sexual disease to your loyal partner.

# When your partner walks in and finds you in bed with your lover. P.S. Just don’t say “this isn’t what it looks like!” Seriously, are you out of your mind, WTF does it look like to you?!

[Quiz: Will you be unfaithful again?]

So what’s the right thing to do? Should you confess to cheating on your partner? Well, confess and face the aftereffect. Or hide it, and become a better lover. Now, it’s your call.

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49 thoughts on “Should You Confess to Cheating on Your Partner?”

  1. Pissed off! says:

    Really, so you think anyone who cheats has to think about it instead of just confessing?

    Would a relationship actually get better with so many secrets involved in the relationship? If a perverted unfaithful partner has the audacity to cheat, they should have the courage to confess and accept their fault. If they don’t, it would be like having the cake and eating it too.

    This doesn’t make sense, it actually pisses me off that you’re suggesting a partner should just cheat and think twice about confessing. Why can’t that person just think twice about cheating instead?!

  2. Steve says:

    After reading this article, I am disgusted to think that anyone actually thinks in these terms. Instead of addressing the fundamental relationship issue and asking the question “Why would you cheat on your partner in the first place,” the author instead insists on laying out parameters under which you should or should not be honest about your act of extreme dishonesty to the one person you swore to be loyal to. The mere fact that the author uses the sentence “Having an affair is inevitable, and it can happen even to the most loyal of partners,” only tells me that he/she has an ill-conceived view of what a relationship is supposed to be. It’s disheartening to fathom that this manner of thought is even entertained by a single person, much less published on a website that otherwise provides sound relationship advice.

  3. Humarl says:

    I agree with the above comments. How can you be happy with an ignorant partner. It’s like you just don’t want to own up that you made a mistake and your partner obviously doesn’t deserve to be cheated on. You face no consequences but your own guilt which may or may not vary according to how in love you are or how much you actually care about your partner. It’s like if a man kills a person but he feels guilty and he promises himself that he will never kill another one again it’s okay not to tell the police. He doesn’t deserve to go to jail as long as he’s sorry. The cheater doesn’t have to tell the truth or face the consequences as long as he feels sorry about it.

  4. Anonymous says:

    If you cheat, you’re a bad person. Full stop. Cheating is not a mistake. Its a conscious decision made based on selfishness, greed, disrespect, betrayal, deceit, arrogance and thoughtlessness. If you truly care about and/or respect your partner and family, you would not cheat. There are no excuses for it and its never the loyal partner’s fault. Everyone has the ability to control themselves and resist cheating, only those who lack respect, dignity, honesty, strength amd morals would cheat. No one deserves to be betrayed or cheated on. People need to think more about their family or other people’s feelings. There are consequences to all actions. Secrets always come out eventually, and the longer it takes for it to come out the worse it will be. Its best to be honest and up front. Most cheaters get caught, especially men. If you have even a tiny amount of dignity still left, you should confess. People deserve the truth. You may be scared, but you need to grow up & face the responsibility/consequences of your actions, because you will eventually have to. Lying is a waste of everyone’s time. Some people can forgive, others can’t. I think its ok to forgive, but forgiving does not mean you have to stay with the person. Once trust and respect are broken, they are very hard to get back. You can mend a broken mirror but you will always see the cracks, so you might as well get a new mirror without the cracks. Its harder to re-earn someone’s trust than it is to earn it fresh for the first time. Sometimes you shoukd just forgive, but move on and find someone else. Moving on with dignity and self-respect also sets a good example to children, because kids are very aware of any tension at home and “playing happy family” for the kids sake can actually make things worse. At the end of the day, no one deserves to be cheated on. If you have any love, compassion, care, or respect for your partner or family then don’t cheat. Simple. Grow up and control yourself. If your relationship is suffering, talk and try to fix it. If you can’t thendivorce or split up first BEFORE you start seeing or sleeping with someone else. Thats common human decency. If you don’t want to be in a committed relationship with one person, then don’t marry and be honest/up-front with people about what you want and expect. Its not hard. Therefore excuses are not valid. In the end if you have cheated, be honest and show at least a little bit of common decency/respect/dignity by telling the whole truth and confessing.

  5. lewj says:

    I cheated. I didn’t have sex with her but it wasn’t entirely nonphysical either. We had mostly an emotional affair filled with sexts, occasional moments of groping and hand holding. Yes we touched each other’s parts where the bathing suit covers with our clothes on but we never kissed on the lips. This lasted for about a year and it’s ended without incident. I of course feel tremendously guilty. I love my wife very much. She’s an incredible woman who loves me very much and deserves the best and I failed her. I am gut wrenched over this but I am leaning on the side of not confessing. I’m taking time to consider things. If I can’t find a semblance of being ok with it then I will confess.

  6. pete says:

    i just don’t want anybody waste my time. i won’t stay in any relationships if my woman cheated on me. i don’t cheat, you don’t cheat, here is the deal. and if any problem in our relationships, let’s talk.

  7. rrr says:

    I agree with above too, if you cheated, can you at least start thinking about what other person wants and let them decide if they still want to be with you, instead of being a selfish retard who always has to have everything their way? If you are that selfish, why are you even in a relationship? You’re probably leeching off other person, not bringing anything worthwhile to the table.

  8. Jane says:

    Some people don’t want to know if their partner cheated. Why put the person you love through hell to relieve your guilt? If you turley love that person keep your mouth shut & live with the guilt. May it eat at you for eternity as a reminder to be a better partener.

  9. Stupid Girl says:

    I need serious help! Lets see.. I lost my virginity to my bf we were together 2 years broke up for 7 months recently got back together went out on a friday night got wasted my boyfriend left me stranded at a resturant I called my friend who was with us for a ride home my friend was too drunk to drive.. so we were gonna sleep it off at his place next thing you know we’re making out one thing led to another I was so drunk I can barely remember details. I cheated I felt so guilty I didn’t even wait to think I got home took a bath rushed to my boyfriends job told him we cried and cried I feel like a dirty whore he says I’m not because he did leave me behind and that’s only the 2nd person but this feeling is horrible I feel like the whole worlds gonna find out how cold and evilI am. I llove this boy I do he just hurt me in the past and my subconcious brain seek vengeance. Help please don’t bash me I’m still bashing myself days later.

  10. Betrayed says:

    My husband had an affair for a year and while I was pregnant with our third child (that he explicidly wanted and promised very clearly to support me through as we knew how sick i would be), desperately ill and doing my best to look after our 2 very young children after a car accident that left me struggling to walk more then 100 meters for that year. I had no idea he was having an affair. He told me just under a year after he ended it.

    Fiestly I would like to comment on my frustration with affair information out there, my husband had an affair because of a problem in him and not a problem in our relationship. We truly had a fantastic relationship. Sounds crazy I know! He had an affair because he got totally messed up trying to run away from and deny grief regarding his mother’s death. He became a spinning wheel totally out of control, all the while appearing in control on the surface because he was trying to be in control. In short, he lost his mental stability by not talking about his emotions and grief and by cutting himself off and lying to me and those close to him that he was okay as an avoidance technique. Unfortunately there happened to be an extremely opportunistic woman passing through his life in close contact (work) at exactly the wrong time.

    When my husband confessed I felt sure that I was going to die from the shock, it was so intense. My husband’s confession is the single worst thing that has ever happened in my life and it has caused tremendous pain for our children (try as you might to contain spillage is inevitable) and my husband as well. The arguing and terrible fall out of my shock and pain has damaged our relationship enouromusly, more than the affair because the affair was not about our relationship problem but has become our relationship problem.

    Now that I know I couldn’t have it any other way. Now that I know I want to know, but given the choice prior I would have much preferred he never told me. Perhaps that should be the cheater’s punishment, to suffer the guilty and grow the strength to contain it, rather than inflict such enouromus suffering on the loyal partner simply to feel free of self guilt.

    I say this because as damaged and uncertain as our relationship is following his confession, I know whole heatedly that he is extremely sorry and would never betray me again. Perhaps our circumstances are unusual, maybe not.

    I see it as such a terrible shame. I loved that man so completely and so wholelly, but I know that with such knowledge I will never feel as deeply in love with him again. I feel it is a double lashing, the pain of being betrayed and the pain of not being able to love freely again.

    My suggestion is, if you messed up and you know you don’t have a wondering eye and won’t do it again get in touch with a psychologist for individual counselling and deeply understand yourself first. Then if you still feel confident it was a one off save your spouse the pain, you can’t take the affair back no matter the confession and all the knowledge will do is inflict pain. Find a way to encourage couples therapy and check-in on your relationship. Keep the therapy going for as long as you can.

    If you aren’t married and there are no children involved, I’d suggest you end the relationship. If you are getting into dirty water before you hit the challenging milestones of most couples then you probably aren’t with the right person one way or the other.

  11. notfeelinggreat says:

    recently I went out with an old female class mate whom id be friends with for the last few years. We always had a spark but I never pursued as I thought she was out of my league, not interested e.t.c. I have a girlfriend also whom I love but doesnt give me an inch of space, like literally nothing. Long story short, i’ll be feeling the pressure lately of having my own business, mother with dementia, father recently getting cancer and finding it difficult to cope. My girlfriend went out of town and me and the old class mate went out. I poured my heart out, went drinking (i dont drink), got high on weed and went back to her place. There was fooling around but no sex, in the end I got my head together and just went home.
    I’m feeling obviously awful now, it was out of character for me and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Its another thing on top of my list of not knowing how to cope. I badly need help or advice from someone as I’m on the verge of a break-down.

  12. Ian says:

    Anyone who says that they are not confessing for the sake of another partner is completely selfish. Question these motives, if you truly look behind the reasons for not confessing, it is fear of punishment, losing something or embarrassment.

    The guilt will eat the cheater alive, if they truly love the person that they are with, they need to confess, this is the ONLY way to truly move forward with the relationship, it may end the relationship, but believe me, the guilt of the cheating will come out in other ways such as questioning the partner or constantly thinking it will happen to them. Believe me I have been on the receiving end of this, I have never cheated, but constantly now think of doing the same to get back at the other person.

    So this is the true punishment for the cheater, constantly looking over their shoulder and never really having the love of the person as it was. I love my partner, but now things have changed which will never be the same. Believe me, even men know when it is happening, so if you confess there may be a chance eventually of love returning, but it is different, either way, karma will eventually pay you back. There are no justifications for cheating, only excuses.

    Trust only in yourself, no-one else 🙂

  13. Samantha says:

    I believe people that say ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ and ‘ you’re a bad person if you cheat’ are rediculous. You are NOT bad person if you cheat!!! someone who murders or rapes someone is a bad person. I was 17 when i met my partner and we fell madly in love. As we started to grow up we started to change and our relastionship got hard. I stopped caring and cheated. I am NOT a bad perosn. And i know i would never do anything ever again. It purely came from being young and not knwoing who i was. We have fallen back in love for who we actually are and i have let go of my guilt because we were different people back then.
    IF YOU KNOW YOU WONT DO IT AGAIN DONT OPEN YOUR MOUTH. We are all humana and make mistakes learn from it and more on. YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON. You simply made a bad decision and thats okay. If you are feeling guilty it actually makes you a good perosn beause you feel bad for your actions. You can not put ‘cheating’ in one little category because cheating is different for everyone. Cheating in a marriage is completely different to cheating on your 17 year old partner!

  14. Grande says:


    if it happend. ALWAYS CONFESS, TELL IT!

    The writer is Disgusting!

  15. dannie says:

    REALLY!!! who wrote this! Oh, yes, a cheater, trying to make cheating o.k.

  16. Tros says:

    I used to hate people who cheated when I was younger. I thought they were self-centered. I thought that it were impossible for me to ever cheat. I even saved myself for marriage (barely). My spouse was also a virgin on your wedding night. After the first 6 months or so of “honey mood era”… came a sex-drought… followed by a pregnancy which elicited an even longer sex-drought… and eventually we were having sex once every other month if lucky. Even then, the sex was only pleasurable for my spouse, the pregnancy-inducing sex was the last time I got an orgasm during sex.

    I am not saying cheating is okay… but think of it this way. If you cheated you already committed the act… what is done is done, you can’t change that. Is telling your partner going to fix anything? No, in fact things will get a lot worse. Your partner will experience a ton of feelings and emotions… but no matter what… NO MATTER WHAT… your partner will always dangle this over your head or have it as “an ace in their sleeve” to win any argument. Do you really want to give them that much power. They already sex-starved you to the point that you compromised your morals to satisfy a biological need with someone you’d probably never otherwise consider… and after the initial flood of emotions settle… you will always be the one ending up as the “bad” one. The guilt will always be yours. Telling them about it won’t rid you of your guilt… nor will it make life easier. It will f*** up your life seriously, unless what you want is to get rid of your partner.

    I cheated on my wife after an entire year of no-sex… this was during our 2nd-3rd year of marriage. Do I regret it… to a point. I’m glad I found out that she doesn’t just suck in bed and that getting me to an orgasm is no easy feat. Yet I regret having to find this out by being unfaithful. Those who support abstinence until marriage always say “no one ever regrets saving themselves until marriage”… and that is a lie… no one openly admits because of spousal repercussions having saved themselves from marriage.

    Yah, I cheated. But how is telling my spouse (or anyone for that matter) going to fix anything? I will still feel guilty… more-so than I originally did because whenever I am not thinking about it, I’m sure my spouse would be reminding me of it. I may lose my comfortable life over one stupid indiscretion. Should I tell her? Maybe. Am I going to tell her? No chance. She doesn’t know about it and she is blissfully unaware. I’ve already been tested and am STD free, plus I used a condom (and didn’t have an orgasm) during my escapade.

    Do I still love my wife? No. I believe I stopped loving her the day I decided to be unfaithful. Does she deserve to know I don’t love her? I do not believe so. She lost that right when she ignored me so often that I just gave up.

    Case-in-point… is telling your partner that you cheated a good idea? Never. Is cheating okay? Never. I did it once and will never do it again. Is cheating deserved? Most certainly. My spouse deserved to be cheated on because an entire year without sex when we had only been married 3 years is just stupid (and was still very sporadic [once every other month if lucky] after the first 6 months and after the third year).

    So if you are a boyfriend/girlfriend/fiancee/spouse… whatever… and you don’t want your partner to cheat on you and are offended by cheaters… follow this simple advice. Don’t be prude and selfish. If someone can wait until they were 25 to have sex (after marriage), and put up with nearly no sex for a year and a half after the “6 month honey-moon stage” and then a straight year of no sex before cheating… most people would consider that a long time to be faithful under the circumstances… and most cheaters will cheat with only a (relatively) short sex-drought. So put out… if you don’t, I say being cheated on is your own fault.

  17. Claudia says:

    either you can get over or you can’t. there is no middle. i know that doesn’t sound like annytihg but think about. if you CAN get over it, your marriage will survive. if it’s going to be a sore point and something that will eventually comsume you and keep you from having a loving marriage, you’re can TRY if you truly love him. but you have to be willing to truly forgive.

  18. Celina says:

    This is in response to everyone’s opinion. I am a list soul right now and not sure where to turn so please don’t judge.. I am an incest survivor if many, bio father, grandfather, step brother, cousins…I buried my adult life with success in area where I had control but the one place I have no control is love and sex. I married someone fifteen years ago who I can say maybe wasn’t the love if my life but was a good man. We built a life together but I have resented him for many years because although he new my past he never really had my back in any situation. Has never taken responsibility for any of our marital problems even though we went through a really tough time with his broken marriage and his four kids. I raised them like my own and always gave my all. I think at some point I was no longer strong enough to carry everyone’s baggage and I broke. I went to a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD and finally when I was at the point of taking pills and not wanting to deal with anything anymore I checked myself into a clinic that specialized in PTSD and childhood trauma. My husband watched me self destruct for months and never dealt with it…long story short, when I returned home I realized I no longer loved him and I in fact hated him for not helping me. Yes we are still together although I have tried many times to leave. There’s a guilt thing inside of me..recently I met someone who was VeRy persistent and finally caught me on the right night and I gave myself to him. It has happened more than once and I finally realized this isn’t me and I need to leave my marriage or pull myself together and make some big decisions. Everyday I live with what I’ve done and my reasoning is he’s never been there for me and we have gone months and months without having sex or him even making me feel special…I am an attractive professional who knows I could still get almost anyone I sought after but my heart doesn’t want to hurt him, and I feel leaving or confessing both would break him. So I’m stuck…I don’t know if all the trauma as a child gave me the inability to make good decisions in this situation, because trust me in all other areas if my life I thrive…anyway I just wanted everyone to know there are reasons for everything and ultimately if you are the cheater or even cheated on I think it’s important to know what may be behind it. Is cheating ever ok? No it isn’t but there may be some deep rooted problems with the person that cheated and at the end of the day God is the only one who will judge…..peace and love

  19. gigi says:

    I feel so terrible I cheated on my boyfriend of 3 years and he’s hurt me in the past as well but lately things between us have been horrible we don’t talk and when we do its on a friend level but I can’t see my self without him I love him so much and idk how I could screw up so badly the guilt could possibly be the death of me I let the problems of our relationship drive me to be unfaithful and its not fair to him but I always don’t wanna lose him … so please someone help and please no rude comments I’m already feel terribly sorry

  20. NokturnalGhost says:

    I have to admit i dont condone cheating BUT, its just the honesty and the timing of when she tells me that will play a big part with me. Like if she sat on that shit for months and then decided that she wanted to tell me i would be upset. i need her to tell me at least up to a week after and dont spare no details so i cant see where loyalty is even when faced with the chance of losing me.. who knows i may just be like ok

  21. Jack says:

    There was a time when people would feel bad about touching themselves. There was a time when people would cut their hands off for masturbating. All of these seems silly now as more people come into terms on how to deal with the guilt.

    There was a time when it would be most ideal to only have sex after your married. There was a time when celibacy was the only option for being an ideal husband or wife. But for some reason, we no longer feel the same way. Why is that exactly? Ohh, yeah, we have gotten used to how we deal with the guilt.

    The same goes with cheating. A lot can be said about a person who puts so much meaning on their lives based on their own moral judgement. If you cannot forgive your partner, don’t get married because there will be a 50% probability that he or she will cheat on you. Then what? Your life loses meaning?

    In an ideal scenario, all people would be perfectly aligned with each other. Everybody would be beautiful and compatible. There will be no temptations. All love will be strong. And yep, we will always be healthy and employed. But welcome to the real world.

    Confess if you want but be ready to live with the consequences. If your partner leaves you because you confessed, then he or she wasn’t really open to forgiveness. So the question now is, would it be better to NOT have confessed? Of course it’s a rhetorical question that we will never be able to answer. But learn to live with the consequences. Period.

    As expected, people’s response will always be relative with our comfort zone. Understand how you feel and if you can’t handle the truth, don’t put yourself in the position where you could get hurt by it.

  22. Bill says:

    I am sitting here in the middle of another sleepless night because my wife cheated on me 30 years ago and all I see when I try falling asleep is the guy holding her. She will not confess and without that this will end very badly. Your article is immature silliness. You have no idea. You obviously have no real experience yet you suggest what others should do. Disgusting. Get your own life and mind your own business.

  23. Dave says:

    For all of the people leaving comments saying they have cheated and don’t want to tell or for the people preaching that you shouldn’t tell can you honestly say that if you were on the receiving end of the betrayal you would want your partner to keep the secret? How unbelievably selfish. By not confessing you are taking your partners ability to choose away. Essentially you are taking their freedom and holding them hostage in a relationship that is unfair to them to satisfy your own selfishness.

    I have been on both ends of the cheating spectrum. I had a two year affair when I was married to my ex-wife, and it was absolutely excruciating. The guilt was too much to bear and I hated myself. Simultaneously she was having an affair as well. Eventually I caught her and it was like pulling teeth to get the truth. Conversely, I confessed everything and didn’t leave out a single detail. The weight that was lifted from my shoulders was one of the most beautiful feelings I have ever had because I was actually able to trust MYSELF again. On the other hand, she would only admit things when caught. I divorced her because she would not stop lying. I forgave the infidelity, but could not forgive her insistence on lying.

    The thing about deception is that over time it multiplies because if you aren’t caught you can never be held accountable. By waiting until you are caught the consequences only grow. I found my conscience again through confession, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

  24. Ndoki says:

    Actually, yes, I can honestly say I wouldn’t want to know. My husband and I discussed this upfront many years ago. We’re very happy, I have no reason to suspect he’s been unfaithful or will be, but upfront, I told him (and he agreed right back) that were something to happen, we don’t need to know. Get yourself tested, make sure there are no STDs, let me know if you’re gonna leave the other one (although hopefully if it was this bad thing would be clear prior to this) and then walk on. Our relationship is about more than just sex and always have been. He is my best friend, my confidant, my support and I am his. We didn’t get married so we could spend our lives pointlessly obsessing over whether our spouse was “being good”, we got married so we could invest ourselves in each other and the world around us and be happy. We have been, we are and I believe we will continue to be.

    Not every couple views marriage or affairs or secrecy the same way. Not every culture views marriage the same way. Not every individual views marriage the same way. I don’t know whether someone “should” confess to infidelity because I don’t know every “Someone” that is going to ask that question nor the circumstances that led them to ask it. All I know is that in my marriage, were it to happen in either direction, there’s no confession because in the end, it was about so much more than just that anyhow and happiness is still happiness.

  25. Hallie says:

    I’ve had a few incidents throughout my relationship of 8 years. Mostly silly drunken shenanigans. Two of which followed onto a little more. It’s been a long time since this happened,and a long time since I stopped drinking and partying the way I was and actually grew up. I can’t remember the last time I done anything “bad”! But for some reason in the past few months my guilt over past mistakes is eating me alive. My husband and I have had a rocky time and although I’m not blaming him,I did beg him many times to show me more attention. All my requests were constantly ignored. Lately though we h e discussed our relationship on great detail and for the first time in years we are finally very happy. Maybe that’s where my guilt has come from?? I am now torn about telling him. In my heart,due to his past,I know that telling him will RUIN us. He will NOT forgive. I will honestly break up my family,break my husband and sons hearts,not to mention the spillage going into other areas of our lives and families. So,do I accept I made these awful mistakes and try to move on and remain happy? Or do I confess (only for my own guilty concience) and leave a trail of destruction?? I’m genuinely stuck 🙁 absolutely no good will come of my confession (except take the weight of guilt at my secret off my shoulders). But I will still feel bad after at the lives I’ve broken because of my mistakes. Mistakes I have no intention of repeating. Mistakes I have learned from. Mistakes that happened a long time ago and I’m now 100% sure I won’t repeat them. I know I have changed. So do I tell or keep my mouth shut??

  26. Josh says:

    If my wife ever cheated on me and I found out (confession or not) I would leave her and never speak to her again. To me an affair is inexcusable. I would rather her hit me physically than have an affair, the affair would do much more damage. I will say this, although I would leave her either way if she cheated, I would be much more hurt if it were a long term affair and if I had to catch her rather than her confessing.

  27. Josh says:

    @Hallie- You disrespected your husband in a terrible way. He deserves to know the truth about what you did and what you are. You should tell him and then let him decide whether he can forgive you. He may respect you for telling him the truth. He may come clean about all the times he’s cheated on you and your relationship emerge even stronger. He may leave you (I would).
    Regardless, those are his choices, but you owe him honesty and respect and until you have told him you are giving him neither.

  28. Steve says:

    So I cheated on my girlfriend and I wish I had told her and confessed when it happened. We were going through an incredibly rocky time: we had broken up and gotten back together at least 3 times in the course of 2 months. Our sex life was anemic and we constantly fought over things where she seemed to require my support for everything while not being willing to support me on things. And the time I cheated was during one of those nebulous times of being broken up but still at the same time being together. I wish I would have manned up and told her at the time, instead she found out herself. And although I have never done anything like this in my life I wish I would have said something then and there. And even moreso had said something prior to the fling because clearly we were both not happy as demonstrated by actions we were doing to each other. Nonetheless, I think that no matter the situation you should let the person know. They may be angry or upset or leave you but that’s the price you pay for not being communicative. But if you give them the chance and come clean at least you are respecting them to make up their own mind about your actions and whether or not they want to forgive you. Because the truth is that although the guilt of doing it may be eating you up inside, its easy to suppress that guilt over time. Its only when you have to be honest with your actions with your partners and loved ones will you hold yourself to a higher standard and make changes or not.

  29. Mags says:

    As a child of divorced parents, maybe I can shed some light. If you have children, keep the secret. It’s your burden, deal with it. Maybe the guilt will eat you alive. But unburdening yourself will permanently alter your kids’ lives. So to all those people talking about how “selfish” it is to not confess, because you are denying the partner of “the choice”? I ask, what choice do the kids have? Please think about that. I’m sure people will jump all over me but I just happened to notice that no one commenting here seemed to be concerned about the kids.

  30. Hallie says:

    I’m concerned about our son and the life of the baby I’m now carrying. I made alot of mistakes in the past but I’m realt trying to move on from it. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about or feel immense guilt over what I done. It eats away at me. Confessing this would greatly impact my son. I already suffer from very severe depression and anxiety. Losing my husband would push me over the edge. What kind of life would I be giving to my two children and what would anyone actually gain by my confession?? As I said, im not concerned or worried about him finding this out from anyone other than me (if I confess) ad sure it would give him the “choice” but our kids would have no “choice”. Their father and I would be miserable, we would be separated. I genuinely believe that although the weight from this secret would be off my shoulders,it would only be replaced by a new weight of guilt. Guilt for the hurt I will be putting everyone through. My own deep pain and depression from my family Breaking up. I believe I’d regret it as soon as I said it and I could never take it back once I said it. I can’t change what happened whether I confess or not 🙁

  31. Rita Rorich says:

    My husband died in my arms without anything about a 5 year loving relationship with a much younger Indian woman. She found after his death and infessed to me that they were in a relationship I was devestated. I truy hope he rot in hell and she would follow soon she became his kept woman how could he be so false and deceiving it nearly killed me was heartbroken by his deceitfulness

  32. mar says:

    I never cheated although tempted many times, but I held to my promise that I would never cheat my wife, before I walked to the altar of marriage. This is one of the promises of marriage that I am able to keep. Now, our two boys are 22 and 24 years old. Secretly, they both asked if I ever cheated mom, the answer was quick and guiltless with simple honest response from Dad….. No, because I truly love your mother and never ever thought of seeing her in pain and in tears. Cheating is preventable folks. Be a man of your love you gave to your wife, girl friend. Any arguments?

  33. mar says:

    I would like to share my experience how I was able to not cheat my wife, in spite of numerous opportunities to do so to cheat. The Opportunity to cheat begins in the mind, then words, then action. The mind is very flexible if I want to dominate its cheating thought over my better sense not to do it. What are the consequences, pain, shame, respect, faithfulness etc… that I face later on to my very manhood, husband, friends, etc… Tough and burden forever. Then words to express to cause unfaithfulness to a third partner (woman to cheat with), like– lying, pretending, flirtatious words, flirting, texting, email, etc… Then the action…planning, lying again, pretending more, kissing, sex.
    All those thoughts, words, and actions take energy and time to happen to cause the cheating. Instead, I use all those energy and time to pray to resist cheating, to spend more energy and time with my wife. Love my wife more and devastate her with ecstasy. Forget those women who flirt with me and are attracted to me to lure me into cheating my only beautiful wife. I buy my wife hot lingerie, take her to nice hotels to spend time with her, talk about her to women who are tempting me to cheat. I have fun doing it. My wife thinks I just got married again. I said, everyday is new marriage to me, my love. Hence, no guilt, begging for forgiveness on my knees, divorce, kids being betrayed/ confused, and no alimony/child support, sell/divide properties, shame, and more shame. What else. Folks don’t cheat, Love more, and have fun.

  34. mar says:

    May I comment to help you feel better. This may not be easy to do but can be done. Both of you go to counseling to help ease the burden you both experiencing and to improve your relationship to a faithful new you both. Then, promise to spend quality time all day (once a week) just both of you to have fun (picnic, bowling, cook out, etc… to keep that bonding to be intact trust will develop more. Talk to each other more in a loving way (forget pride and ego) give your heart and soul to heal by living pure. Purity is not easy to do but can be done. Read some of the teachings in the bible about love, marriage, etc… Read about improving you self AWARENESS. Stay away from flirting with boys, texting and emails to cause you to commit cheating. Stay away from people who cheat. Create a new you if you want to raise you relationship to a new level. Let your love one know what you’re doing to save your relationship.
    You want to read my comments, see under name Mar.

  35. mar says:

    To all dear brothers and sisters who are married with children. Before you cheat visualize these things that will potentially hit you hard in deep pains, aggravations, and burdens for a long time. Can you afford alimony, child support per child, money and property divisions, divorce, lawyers fees, and then probably cheated again by new partners. Just a warning. Solution: Don’t cheat (it’s not expensive).

  36. Elaine says:

    It think you are absolutely right in your decision not to confess to something that is only going to cause more misery for you and your family. If you’re Catholic you could confess to a priest, that might lighten your burden a bit. The main thing though is to forgive yourself. We all make mistakes. I hope things go well for you.

  37. Happy?wife says:

    Hi jack, I think I see your point and I just need your advice. I come from a more conservative culture where I would consider flirting, meeting up in secret, sending “kissing” emoticons thru text as cheating. A month before my wedding, I found out that my fianc

  38. Donotask says:

    Never a better comment. I was cheated on, and now I wish I didn’t know. If you screw up, it is YOUR cross to bear! Keep your mouth shut if you love your partner, and it was only a one time thing. It is selfish to pass your suffering onto someone you claim you love. You have already done enough damage. Sleep in the ‘guilt and regret’ bed you made SILENTLY for the sake of your spouse’s happiness, and for your kids!

  39. Donotask says:

    I don’t agree. That is a selfish move to unload your guilt, agony, and pain onto an innocent partner. It’s your cross to bear. Carry with as much dignity as you can muster since you are a lying, deceitful self-serving idiot.

  40. Donotask says:

    Things will never be the same, and my spouse had no intention of stopping the online sexual encounters. Sex stories, nude photos. Nearly $1000 spent in buying sexy clothing and gifts for his ex, and 3 other women. He is a monster, now trying to be a good decent man. I caught mine sending out photos with “I love you” across the top to a fat ugly person on Facebook. Blew my mind, because we had a fairy tale love, and so I dug deeper by looking through their emails, and discovered full blown physical adultery with their ex when they went back to the UK for their mother’s funeral. I am destroyed. Still married though, and considering sleeping with one of my exes that I always wanted to, that loved me for decades. This is the only way I will be able to live with what my spouse did. You deserve to give as good as you get. Once the score is evened out, then, and only then, we can begin again fresh. Some people are just selfish, self-serving immature idiots.

  41. Donotask says:

    I used to talk that way, but you’d be surprised when it happens to you. All situations are unique, and different. Only the couples involved can decide what’s best for them. I chose to stay so far…..

  42. k says:

    No one does. No one confess! I never cheat on my husband. But I had a roommate who did. She was sleeping with a guy (also married) in their first month of marriage. I do not get what kind of cold bitch cheat on their husband the first month! …. She was arguing that he cheat on her before the weeding, that is ridiculous. Anyways she managed really well to hide from him. I just look at him and I feel so sorry, I think at some point he will know!!!!

  43. rrr says:


    Better for kids to live with parents separated than watch them bicker, argue, scream and even possibly go violent. I know something about the latter…

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