In Love with Two People at the Same Time? 16 Subtle Signs to Make a Choice

Is it possible to be in love with two people? Many say you can. In that case, how can you choose the one to be with without hurting them and you?

in love with two people

Can you be in love with two people? The simple answer… Yes. We’ve seen enough rom-coms throughout the years to know that for sure!

Being in love with two people is entirely possible. It may not be very common, but it is something that happens. There isn’t only enough love inside of you for one person. The same way you love all the members of your family with plenty of room left over, being in love isn’t so different. 

But, is the love the same?

Monogamy and the majority of society tell us to only be in love with one person and for many of us that works out. But being in love with two people happens. And due to societal norms and our own desires, loving two people often leads to heartbreak, for one or both. [Read: Seriously, can someone define monogamy?]

How can you be in love with two people?

Seriously, how do you fall in love with two people? How do you love one person and continue to love another? 

Well, as you may know, love isn’t something you can control. You don’t decide who you fall in love with. It is right there in the phrase itself. You are “falling” in love which means you fall without control.

Most people, unless in a polyamorous relationship, don’t plan on falling in love with two people, but it does happen. How? You don’t usually meet someone and fall in love with them right off the bat. You get to know them and feelings form over time.

That can happen in so many ways. [Read: What is polyamory and why are more people switching to it?]

You could be in a stable and loving relationship when you meet a coworker who makes you laugh. Even if it is totally innocent, you spend time together and form a bond. You fall in love without ever planning to.

Or you are in love with your ex. You could have broken up months ago but still carry those feelings with you when you meet someone new and start falling for them. Or you could be casually dating two people and fall for both of them at the same time. [Read: Are you still in love with your ex?]

Because we are so conditioned toward monogamy being the only way to date or love, it seems so shocking and wrong to be in love with two people. But it actually makes sense once you think about it.

Don’t compare the two

Most people who fall in love with someone new start comparing their new flame to their older lover. And almost always, they assume the new lover is sexier, more loving and more caring. But is that really true?

Remember, sexual passion may fizzle out as the years go by, but true love matures into a happy relationship. On the other hand, a new lover may excite you and remind you of your earlier years in love, but you have to realize that the lusty excitement of the new secret relationship will only last for a few months or years.

So if you ever have to compare your lovers, compare them for the compatibility instead of the passion. After all, there are always ways to bring back the sexual chemistry, even in an older relationship. [Read: Is it true love or is it just lust?]

Facts about loving two people at the same time

Attraction is a tough concept to analyze objectively. So let us tell you what goes on when you’re equally attracted to two different people.

1. Being attracted to two people isn’t a crime

When they both ask for exclusivity or a commitment, and you agree to both, that’s when the line between right and wrong starts to get blurry. [Read: How to get over a crush and have fun doing it]

2. When you’re not committed to either of them, you’ll find yourself seeking both their attention

The problem with this is that it can be exhausting, since you’re trying to attract the attention of two people who may want completely different things.

3. You’ll be confused about what you really want in a person

It’s confusing when you find yourself attracted to two people who are complete opposites. It can start to make you wonder which traits you’re genuinely attracted to, and which traits you’re just tolerating in favor of other traits. [Read: What girls find attractive – 49 traits that make a guy irresistible to women]

4. Your original relationship may struggle because you crave the presence of the other person

That sort of thinking is what leads to cheating. When you crave someone’s presence you’re never happy with what you’ve got.

5. You will probably feel guilty all the time

Whether you’re with one or the other, you’ll feel guilty about the person you’re not with at that time. You’ll probably also simply feel guilty for feeling this way. After all, we’re told that being in love with two people isn’t possible. [Read: Feel guilty all the time? How to find the cause and get rid of it]

You have to make a choice, but how?

We have briefly made the case that it is totally acceptable to be in love with two people, and it is. But, not everyone finds this to be the case. In some circumstances, you may need to pick one person.

It isn’t feasible to remain in love with two people if you are in a relationship with one and not the other. If you are dating someone but are still in love with an ex, it is pretty clear that you will try to get over your ex and have a successful relationship, But, not every situation is so clear cut.

Maybe you have the choice of two people. Or you don’t know if you should stay with your current partner or date the other person you love. Maybe you don’t know who you want to have a committed relationship with. Or perhaps you love one person more than the other.

How can you avoid picking one? It’s just not possible in the end. Let’s look at a few questions and points you need to mull over when making your ultimate choice. [Read: How to pick one person when you’re in love with two]

1. Do not make a pros and cons list

Trying to figure out who you love more or who you want to choose when you love two people is not an equation.

It comes down to how you feel, not how they add up on paper. This will only end up making you more confused. [Read: These tips will help you transform your love life]

2. Ask yourself if you’re truly in love

Love means something different to each and every one of us, but think about these two relationships. Is it really love you’re feeling? Love most often comes with a romantic connection, sexual chemistry, and attraction. 

Sexual attraction can often feel so overwhelming we believe it is love when it isn’t. Do you have that balance with both of these people or is one part of love outweighing the others?

3. Who are you yourself with?

You could have a wonderful time with both people you love. One could bring out your intellectual side while the other makes you laugh like no one else, but there is one that you feel more at home with.

Instead of looking at their qualities, look at how they make you feel. Who makes you feel the most confident in yourself? Which person makes you feel like you want to be the best version of yourself? [Read: 20 questions to help you choose between two people]

4. Who do you want around when times are good and bad?

This is a big question but could be the one that gives you your answer.

When something great happens like a promotion at work, who is the first person you want to share that with? Who do you want there when you celebrate? And equally as important, who do you want by your side when things aren’t going well?

Who will stay by your side when the chips are down? And who do you want to turn to at the end of a bad day? This is the person you are already leaning towards but just weren’t aware. [Read: The 11 signs you have found the one who completes you]

5. Does one person distract you from life?

When you love someone, you have probably spent a decent amount of time with them. When you’re with them, do you shut out the rest of the world? Do you ignore your phone and enjoy your time?

This can feel like love, and may even be, but is that really sustainable in the long term? Do you want to spend your life with someone that distracts you from the every day or someone that makes every day annoyances better or even enjoyable? [Read: Here’s how to pick between two guys when you just can’t make up your mind]

6. Is either person right for you?

Just because you are in love doesn’t mean either person is your person. It can seem wrong not to pick one person when you know you love both, especially if they love you back. But, making a choice between two people you love isn’t about what is right and wrong or fair.

When it comes to love, there really is no right or wrong, but you do need to use common sense occasionally. 

7. Do you think you can be truly happy if you don’t choose one of them?

If your answer is, “I’ll find a way.” Then, you’re asking the wrong questions here. If you never plan on choosing just because you think you can control the situation, then good luck with that!

Dating two people at the same time is only okay if everyone agrees to it, but that rarely lasts. Sooner or later, everyone’s instincts will kick in, and you’ll see that seeing other people is simply a temporary fix to a bigger problem – your indecisiveness. [Read: How to be happy in life – 12 hacks to find real happiness instantly]

8. Think about what is complicating your choice

Are you afraid to lose one of them forever? Perhaps you’re scared that you might be making the wrong choice. Are you being fair to both of them? Do you want them both, regardless of the consequences?

Whatever it is that’s stopping you, always remember that your decision affects everyone. You’re not just hurting one person. You’re actually hurting three, and that includes yourself.

9. If you weren’t scared of making a choice, what would you do?

What if there were no consequences? What if the relationship you chose was perfect, and the other person became a good friend of yours? Who would you choose?

Sometimes, the answers will come to you when you remove all of the fears and the negative assumptions that are crowding your mind. [Read: Secret to happiness – The uncomplicated guide for a happy life]

10. Are they happy with the situation?

When all you do is think of how your decision affects yourself, you start to forget that there are two other people involved. Have you considered what they want and need? What if they’re tired of waiting and are too hurt to understand why you keep holding them at arm’s length?

If you’re dating both of them, don’t you think one or both of them will wonder if they’re not good enough for you? The worst that could happen is when they both realize that you’re just treating them like options. [Read: 20 relationship problems that push a couple apart or bring them closer]

11. Ask whether you’re selfless enough to let one of them go

It’s difficult for a relationship to grow when one of you is not fully invested. Neither of them will be happy with a long-term arrangement wherein they’re keeping themselves exclusively for you, but you’re free to date others.

When you continue to date both of them at the same time, you’ll end up fueling conflicts and jealousy on both sides. However, if you choose just one, you may only end up temporarily hurting one of them with your honesty, while the one you chose will end up being happy with you.

Isn’t the latter situation a lot less complicated, and ultimately, more favorable? [Read: Help! I’m in love with my boyfriend’s best friend]

Making your choice is the only way to be free  

The most important thing to remember when you’re faced with loving two people at once is that you make a decision in the end. If the love is platonic, e.g. it’s a friendship and nothing sexual or romantic, then there could be a case for not choosing. But, how would your partner feel about that? 

Never keep two people around because you can’t decide. It’s not fair to either person. For sure, you might be confused but even if you love both of them for different reasons, you can only actually be with one of them.

Can you still be around the other person? You can be friends. That may be difficult if you have feelings for them after a while, but anything else could lead you towards potential cheating over time. Never allow your feelings, whether you want to admit them or not, to lead to hurt for your actual partner. 

[Read: How to find true love: 20 foolproof lessons you need to learn]

So are you in love with two people at the same time? How are you dealing with it? Or what are the consequences of it? Share your stories here.

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The editorial team of LovePanky comprises relationship experts and real-life experts that share their experiences and life lessons. If you want the best love ad...