Judging from all the heartbroken tweets you see every day, it seems that assholes are springing up left and right around the globe.
It’s not surprising, considering how much the media perpetuates the idea of assholes as the ones who you’re supposed to save and fall in love with.
Screw that—nobody deserves to date a jerk. Women deserve to date someone who is considerate, morally conscientious, and just plain polite. Determining whether or not one of your suitors fits the bill can be a difficult task; some jerks are hard to weed out. Fortunately, we’re here to help. Using these easy identifiers, you can determine whether your partner is a jerk—or a gem.
But first: how do assholes operate?
There are different kinds of assholes. There are those who pride themselves on being that way, while there are others who don’t realize that they’re being assholes.
You need to watch out for the sneaky ones. They will never admit that they’re being jerks, unless you call them out on it. The obvious assholes want everyone to know that they can get away with anything, even if that isn’t true.
The subtle assholes will do what they always do, thinking that no one is going to call them out. Eventually someone will, but until that time comes, they will continue to be the glorious assholes that they are.
When it comes to dating, these guys have one thing in common: all they think about is themselves. That’s why women end up getting hurt, because they expect as much affection as they give, but only get scraps of it in return. [Read: 15 subtle signs of a controlling and manipulate boyfriend]
How to know if the guy you’re dating is an asshole
#1 He thinks that flaws of other people should be discussed and laughed at. You hardly notice it when people do this, because it comes out as a joke. When you look past the surface, however, you’ll see that it’s just someone being mean for the sake of cheap entertainment. Go way deeper, and you’ll see that he’s just harboring some pent up insecurity that he takes out on other people.
#2 He changes his tune when someone more dominant disagrees with him. One of the most annoying traits of assholes is their inconsistency. They think that they’re right most of the time, but when a fiercer alpha male defies them, they end up whimpering, with their tail tucked between their legs.
This often happens when an asshole pushes an idiotic idea, but decides to retract it when someone smarter calls him out on it. It’s even worse when he says his partner’s wrong, until someone else corrects him—only then is he willing to stand up for her. [Read: 22 early warning signs of a bad boyfriend]
#3 He criticizes you unnecessarily. “Why are you wearing this? Why do you schedule your day like that? Isn’t it time to get your hair cut?” There are so many ways a person can be criticized. Assholes just make it more of a habit than anyone else. When someone criticizes you for things that don’t bother you, like your sense of style or your harmless routines, you better get out of there fast, because this person is trying to change you, and not necessarily for the better.
#4 He points out that he likes women who are nothing like you. The simple statement, “You know, I like women who are…” is loaded. When an asshole starts to describe someone who doesn’t look, act, or think like you in any way, he’s trying to push you into transforming to fit his preference. No one should have to put up with that—which is why when a guy starts that sentence, you should politely, but emphatically excuse yourself from his life.
#5 He never works to make you orgasm. He either finishes too soon, doesn’t engage in foreplay, or lets you do all the hard work…every time. When a guy is inept in bed, there’s still a chance that he could learn something if you work together. The way an asshole approaches sex, however, is based on the “me, me, me” concept. Even if you ask him to do something more, he’ll rarely stick to it, and will quickly revert to his selfish bedroom habits.
#6 He’d rather talk about himself. Getting to know an asshole is pretty easy; he will constantly talk about himself, and rarely let you get a word in edgewise. You may think that he’s getting to know you when he asks questions, but those mostly lead to his own experiences or thoughts on a subject. Basically, if you start to feel like a sounding board, the guy you’re talking to is probably an asshole. [Read: 10 signs you’re dating a self-obsessed narcissist]
#7 He doesn’t ask what he did wrong and blames you immediately. When you reject a guy like this, it won’t be pretty. They usually don’t listen to your reasons or even let you explain yourself at all. They will blame you for the deterioration of your “relationship,” and will even go so far as to rub it in your face. The musician brand of asshole is particularly lovely; just wait for him to post a song about how a girl ruined his life and wah, wah, wah.
#8 He avoids you when you’re feeling bad. When you ask your partner to console you, and he’s not responding or even acknowledging that you’re in trouble, he’s probably a jerk. A big one, at that. The most basic thing you need to provide in a relationship is support. Work and other obligations might overshadow small matters, but it’s not too much to ask for a shoulder to cry on at the end of the day. [Read: 21 signs of emotional abuse you may be overlooking]
#9 He boasts about how he is with other girls. There’s a difference between a humble brag and an actual brag. Assholes lean more toward the latter. They will not hesitate to tell you how they made other girls swoon or scream or whatever, just so they can prove that they’re manly enough for you. That’s not the kind of review that you can trust, anyway; you’re better off asking the girls themselves—and they’ll all tell you the same thing: he’s an ass.
#10 He doesn’t think that your needs matter. This is probably the most subtle way an asshole can get away with being a shithead. You ask for something reasonable *like his time*, and he’ll say yes and try to provide that for a while. Sooner or later, however, the same old pattern will resurface and you’re back where you started. You keep asking and asking, and he occasionally tries to give whatever it is, but puts in little effort and groans. You shouldn’t have to ask for your needs to be met again and again. He needs to give willingly, without considering your needs a burden. [Read: 10 signs to recognize selfish people and 5 steps to walk away]
Dating an asshole is one of the the worst fates any woman can have. You don’t need to be in that position, because those people don’t deserve your time and effort. If you’re dating an asshole, he needs to learn from his mistakes—and that starts with you calling out his bullshit and not budging an inch until he changes his ways.
If it’s not for you, then let’s just hope that he meets someone who can help him become a better person. For now, take yourself out of that situation, because you’ll only end up getting hurt.
[Read: 25 signs and qualities of a really good boyfriend]
If you think the guy you’re dating is an asshole, he probably is. Just to be sure, though, you can check these signs and see if they fit—and then, if necessary, say goodbye.
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