People often assume that sex is always spontaneous and amazingly pleasurable, but those of us who have done the leg work know that is not the case.
I’ve had my fair share of amazing partners and awesome orgasms, and on the other hand, found myself counting down the moments until the sad act ended and I could high-tail out of there!
Recently, a friend of mine admitted to never having had an orgasm with her boyfriend. They’ve been dating for over two years, which is an awfully long time to be faking it until you finally make it.
I asked my friend why she was so hesitant to bring this up with her boyfriend and she confessed that it was a conversation she would never feel comfortable having with him. And I believe there is something extremely wrong with that.
We know that getting what you want is much easier said than done, and that asking for more or less of something, talking about a particular sexual problem, or giving advice to your partner is usually viewed as a no-go-zone.
But if you can’t ask for what you want and discuss how to make your sex life better, then how are you ever truly going to get what you want in bed?
It’s crucial that people feel empowered and confident in discussing sex with their partners, in order to get what they really want in bed. Sex is not supposed to be a duty, it should be enjoyable and rewarding for both partners. [Read: 20 common sexual problems in a relationship that can be easily avoided]
How to get what you want in bed
In order to get what you want out of sex, you need to first be honest with yourself in what you need and want from sex. Every individual has different sexual fantasies, fetishes and favorites.
It’s crucial that you figure these out for yourself *with lots of fun experimentation along the way*, and then communicate it to your partner so you can finally get what you deserve – satisfaction.
Once you’ve figured out what makes you tick sexually, it will be much easier to communicate that to your partner. The best idea is to be honest, and constructive when letting your partner know you need something more, or something needs to change. [Read: 20 hot sex ideas to blow your lover’s mind in bed]
The most common things people want from sex, but are too awkward to ask
Here are a few of the most common things that people want to change in their sex lives, but don’t always feel comfortable enough to willingly discuss with their partners.
#1 You want more foreplay
There are a lot of eager beavers out there that want to get straight to the final event without really working for it. Foreplay is an amazing way to create sexual tension, tease each other, and be playful with your partner. Everything you do leading up to intercourse can be just as pleasurable, so it is important that you work in foreplay instead of just diving right in.
If you feel shy in asking your partner to play a little longer before getting into it, give them a suggestion, or create a challenge. Tell them that it’s amazing when you can come twice, once before even having sex. [Read: The 9 best foreplay moves you can ever use in bed!]
You can also use the universal feedback method of praise-critic-praise. Sounds strange to use a management technique to deal with a sexual issue, but why not? Start with telling your partner something you absolute love that they do, then give them a suggestion on what they could change or do differently, and follow up with another thing that makes you go crazy.
Foreplay is an amazing part of sex, but it doesn’t need to be hours and hours long every single time you want to get busy, after all, what would sex be like without a few quick rendezvous now and then. Yet, if foreplay is something that you want more of on a regular basis, make sure you communicate that with your partner. [Read: 10 naughty sex games for couples to feel really horny all over again]
#2 If you need to change it up
Becoming bored with your sex life can happen more easily then you think, especially if you’re in a long-term relationship and have been having the same kind of sex for years. Sexual variety is hot, and it can turn a stale sex life into something new and amazing very quickly.
There are a few ways that you could hint your desire for something different with your partner. Together, you could make a list of all the places you want to have sex. Thinking about the details like where and how and compiling a list will already start to mix things up as you imagine yourself in each different situation.
Of course, once you find yourself in one of your scenarios, things will quickly heat up. Also, try being direct. If you’re watching a sex scene on TV or in a movie that you’d really love to try – voice it! Your partner will be hard pressed to ignore a straight comment that could involve being tied to a bed, a lap dance, or a new outfit! [Read: 30 unique and sexy ways to spice up your sex life right now!]
#3 If you want to slow things down
Most of us have had to deal with an energizer bunny – hopefully more often in your earlier sex experiences, and less so in your later years – where all you really wanted was to hit the brakes and slow down. And especially for women, it takes much longer to get off and be fully satisfied.
If you need your partner to slow down, try any of these three things. First, you could clearly explain why you need them to slow down, such as voicing the fact that you’d like to feel every movement. Or if just does not feel good or hurts, don’t be scared to say so.
Another thing that ladies could do is take the reigns and get on top. You will have more control of the pace, and get to slow things down if that’s what you want. [Read: How to ride a man and look really sexy doing it!]
The third thing you can try is blunt, but usually very true – you can simply tell your partner that you’re so close, and want to come together. It’s a big turn on for most people to come at the same time as their partner, and it’s challenging them to take a beat and let you catch up. If your partner is at all concerned with your needs, then they will absolutely want to slow down to improve your orgasm. [Read: 18 sex tips for men to make her crave for more!]
Getting what you want from sex
Sex is supposed to be exciting and fulfilling for all parties involved. If you are having sex and not getting what you want and need from your partner, you should not feel guilty asking for it.
Whether you want to be direct, or more discreet about your intentions to change up your sex life is up to you. But you should feel empowered and confident in getting what you want out of sex. [Read: 13 untold sex secrets you really need to know!]
If you communicate your needs to your partner and nothing seems to really improve, then the odds are, you aren’t having sex with someone who cares a whole lot about what turns you on, and gets you off.
Be honest with what it is you want and need from sex and then, be sure to let your partner know so you can start having amazing sex on a regular basis. Like I said before, sex isn’t automatically spontaneous and pleasurable – it takes effort to get it just the way you want it.
[Read: 14 ways to get your partner to open up about sex]
If you truly want to have a great time in bed, communicate or let your actions do the talking. Just put in the work, and you’ll get more of what you want in bed *whatever it may be*!
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