There are multiple reasons why many married couples wind up not having sex for long periods of time. Whether it is for weeks, months or years on end, there is no denying that not having sex takes a negative toll on both parties’ mental and physical health.
I will not pretend to be an expert on why partners fall into sexless ruts. However, after speaking to several married couples, I have come to the conclusion that there are many reasons why this tends to happen. Illness, physical problems, external stresses like work and finances, not having time, being bored, focusing on kids and running the household, not being turned on by your partner and so on all play a part in marriages being sexless.
According to a piece that appeared on The Wall Street Journal website, “When sex therapists talk about a nonsexual marriage, they mean a couple having sex fewer than 10 times a year.”
If you are in a committed relationship, and are only getting laid less than a dozen times a year, you are undoubtedly in a sexual rut. It is not okay to neglect sex in a marriage, regardless of how long you have been together or how busy you are. As bad as this seems, a sexless marriage is a glaring indication of a dying or dead marriage. You have to speak to your partner about this and make some much needed changes if you want to improve your overall life.
How to turn your sexless marriage around
If you do not know what to do or where to start, here are 7 possible options for you to try out. Keep in mind that several of the ideas are really out there, but when push comes to shove, there is no harm in giving extreme methods a go.
#1 Speak to your partner. Broaching the topic of having more sex is not an easy one but you have to build up the courage to do so. Do not treat it like a taboo. You are inundated with sex everywhere you look. From billboards to music videos to magazine ads, sex is prevalent in our culture. Even so, you are not the first person to say that it is difficult to discuss sex with your partner.
You can give it a gentle yet honest go by starting with, “You know how much I love you but there is something we need to discuss.” Once you get over the initial hurdle of broaching the topic, the words, and hopefully actions, will flow easier. [Read: 14 ways to get your partner to open up about sex]
#2 Go for therapy. If you have spoken to your partner about this and still see no change, then it is time to bust out the big guns. There is no shame in getting help from a third party, and in this case, it is speaking to a professional sex therapist.
He or she will be very familiar with the problem you are facing, and can offer a safe and private outlet from which to express emotions and get back on the road to a healthy sex life. From sex talk to games and little projects that you can work on together, a sex therapist will be able to help a lot more than if you guys were to sit at home and stew over it alone.
#3 Resolve to look great. Looking and feeling great is a big factor when it comes to how active your sex life can be. When you are out of shape and do not feel sexy, your libido significantly falls and you are not very compelled to get it on. Your embarrassment at being unattractive and not fit enough for a romp can be quashed if you just do something about it. [Read: How to look great in bed all the time]
The healthier and fitter you are, the more likely you will feel and act like the Energizer bunny in bed. Not just that, when you drop a few pounds and tone up the jiggly bits, your confidence level will skyrocket and you will be raring to go.
Eat right and squeeze in 30-minute exercise sessions several times a week. Whether it is turning on an exercise video and working out in your living room or going for a quick jog, you have no excuse to not look and feel sexy. All it takes is a minuscule bit of effort, and you will be looking and acting like teens in no time. [Read: 30 subtly naughty questions to keep the sexual spark alive in love]
#4 Have date nights. Another way to reintroduce sex into your marriage is to start going on dates again. Perhaps one of the reasons why the sex has fizzled out is because there is a lack of intimacy between you two. Work, kids, everyday nuances and so on are responsible for taking time away from your partner. It is not okay to neglect the most important relationship that you have, so make an effort to rejuvenate your intimacy by treating yourselves to time away from reality.
Whether it is going for a movie together, having a fancy dinner or just heading out for a quick frozen yogurt treat, make the effort to spend time and experience things together. Hold hands, talk about your day and work on the connection that you once had with your spouse. [Read: 13 romantic date night ideas]
#5 Give each other permission to fantasize. If the aforementioned tips fail, try resorting to fantasizing about others in bed. Many couples and psychologists will argue that this will do more harm than good, and is categorized as a form of cheating. However at the end of the day, if both parties consent and if it can help reignite your sex life, then why not give it a shot?
If you find it hard to get turned on by each other, then why not imagine doing the deed with someone else whilst in bed with your spouse? If you are hesitant, simply look at this method as a form of role play. After a couple of times, you will start feeling more comfortable making love again, and you can hopefully go back to getting turned on by each other. [Read: How to fantasize about someone else in bed]
#6 Invite a third party in. Perhaps the reason you have a sexless marriage is because you are both bored with the way things are. Short of indulging in extra martial affairs, why not invite a third party into your bed? As unconventional as this may seem, more people are jumping on this bandwagon.
Having a threesome is a great way to spice up your sexless marriage, and it will give you the chance to live out a fantasy that many people are too shy to try. Whether you end up hiring a classy professional escort, convincing a friend to lend a hand or meeting an open minded individual on a dating site, try this method out for size, if both of you are comfortable doing so. [Read: 20 things to know before getting into a threesome]
#7 Open marriage. Last but not least is the option to turn your monogamous marriage into an open one. Simply put, an open marriage means that both parties consent to their partner having sexual relations with other people. If you can rein in your jealousy, the great thing about this is that you get to make up your own rules. You can make it clear than you are both not allowed to sleep with friends, can only do it once a month, can never bring a sexual partner home, and so on.
An open marriage will give both of you the chance to sexually explore with other people, yet keep the emotional bond of being husband and wife intact. The idea of being in an open marriage is slowly but surely gaining popularity. Even Hollywood superstar Will Smith and his wife are said to be in an open marriage.
We are all human and have a primal need to have sex. The last thing we should be doing is depriving our bodies and minds of something as natural as making love. As unpleasant as it is, you have to grab the bull by the horns, if you are in a sexless marriage. [Read: Open relationships – the new fidelity in love?]
Not being physically touched and pleasured by your spouse will do you more harm than good, as it will negatively affect your mood and self esteem. So do not wait another second and do whatever you can to get jiggy with your spouse again.
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