There’s a common misconception that men are always horny, and that when they reject you, something terrible must be happening behind your back. While that could be true, it isn’t always the case. Much like women, men can have their moments, where they simply don’t want to have sex. Also like women, the reasons for not wanting to have sex can be both complicated and vast.
A low sexual appetite can mean many things: work stress, exhaustion, too much masturbation, etc. Something as simple as a miscommunication can kill the mood. This doesn’t mean you don’t turn him on, or that he’s losing interest. It just means he is human.
That being said, it is naive to think that all men are the same. While some men may be going through normal issues, others might actually be hiding something. It all depends on the man, and the situation.
Most common reasons why your man could be losing interest in sex
Although there are countless reasons for a man’s decision to turn down sex, the following are some of the most common causes.
#1 He’s worried about a major problem that is driving him insane. For instance, if a man has financial trouble, he might be too busy overthinking it, becoming easily distracted and worried. It has nothing to do with you–it’s simply something he doesn’t want to think about during sex. [Read: Don’t want to have sex anymore? Ways to deal with it]
#2 You showed no interest whatsoever. Men are generally simple creatures when it comes to sex. If you don’t show you’re at least moderately interested, they’re less likely to take a chance. Sure, it won’t really stop them from trying, but overall, it paves the way for more discomfort than pleasure. If you’re coming off distant, uninterested, and like you’d rather be watching E!News, he might take that a little personally and become uninterested in a sexual relationship.
#3 He’s been tending to himself a little too much. When men masturbate, they tend to last longer in bed. If you’re sending him nudes regularly, rest assured: he’s getting off to them. However, if he overdoes it, he could end up getting used to the feeling of his hand, making it harder to get off with you *hello, death grip syndrome*. It’s healthy to masturbate, but becomes less so when you start to prefer it over your actual partner. [Read: Men and their blue balls – Facts every girl’s gotta know]
#4 Work stress is making him feel like less of a man. Remember all the times you heard about men and work in psychology class? Men doing well in work have higher self-esteem than those who aren’t doing so great. This drive to succeed has been ingrained in them since the dawn of time.
A man who can provide feels like he’s got things under control, like he’s going places, like he’s, ultimately, worthy. When he takes you to bed, he wants to feel like he’s earned it! Sadly, if his work performance is lousy, he’s going to feel like a loser, like you might be doing it just to make him feel better, and his bedroom performance may follow suit. Pity sex isn’t a turn on; it just rubs salt in the wound.
#5 Maybe he really is cheating. Again, there is an emphasis here: not all men are the same. This reason does not apply to every man out there. But if he really is cheating, then he probably doesn’t want to have sex with you because he feels guilty, he already did it with the other girl(s), or he’s losing interest in you *hence his cheating*.
Obviously, men who do this aren’t handling the situation as they should. Rather than communicating your issues, so you can both fix them, he chose to “alleviate” the issues in an unhealthy, conniving way. If this is the case, it is up to you to either forgive him and work on your relationship, or move on. [Read: 16 subtle signs he’s definitely cheating on you already!]
#6 Sex has gotten stale and he doesn’t know how to tell you. Between work, errands, social events, reminders, and to-do lists, it’s easy for the fire to dwindle. Your mind is constantly racing, and switching your thinking cap off for a while might be harder than it once was. Be honest with yourself: has sex become a time for you both to go through the motions, before getting back to the grind? If it has, then your sex life might have gotten stale.
Think of new things to do in bed. Plan a nice evening, wear something sexy, then take off your underwear! Tease him, and let the anticipation build. Don’t be afraid to lose yourselves in each other–it might be just what you need to get back on track. [Read: 12 foreplay moves that work ridiculously well on men]
#7 He’s sick and miserable. Honestly, when women get the cold, it’s not that bad. Even if it feels like a train ran you over, women typically manage to pull it together. Men? Not so much. Even the biggest, most rugged men turn into adorable, vulnerable versions of themselves when they’re sick. He can’t possibly show you a good time if he’s feeling like someone tossed him out of a window. Your best bet? Nurse him back to good health, preferably in a sexy nurse outfit, and wait it out.
#8 He’s tired, exhausted, and dying to make you feel good, but just physically and mentally can’t. Women might be flexible and capable of taking control, but at the end of the day, a man has a lot of work to do in bed. If he’s already tired, you might be out of luck for the night. Might as well get comfortable and handle it yourself. Who knows? Maybe seeing you might give him a burst of much-needed energy. [Read: 10 easy and fun sex games to play with your partner in bed]
#9 You’ve been arguing too much lately. What ruins the mood quicker than an inconvenient fart? Arguments! We’re not talking the kind that lead to makeup sex; we’re talking the long, inconvenient, dramatic, sob-inducing arguments. These make him lose interest, because you both spend so much energy fighting over things that often don’t really matter in the long run, or are very serious issues that you can’t possibly solve overnight. Either way, the mood is killed, and your minds race to unsexy matters.
#10 He’s falling for someone else. Again, this doesn’t apply to every man. If your man is among these men, then there are several possible culprits. It could be you’ve grown apart, he accidentally fell for someone else, he intentionally fell for someone else, or your dynamic together got to be more overbearing than entertaining.
Here’s a timeless test: would you say you’re one another’s best friend? Many people forget that when you date someone, you have to be their best friend too. That’s the only way things remain fun and energetic. [Read: 13 secret signs your boyfriend’s not over his ex yet]
#11 You’ve let yourself go, and he’s a little uneasy about having sex. It might be a dick move, but some men won’t have any desire to have sex with you if you let yourself go. For instance, let’s say you start dating when you weigh 130 pounds, but quickly gain 40 pounds more. He may have some issues getting aroused. Obviously, a good man won’t care, but that doesn’t mean you should let yourself go. Looking good and staying healthy is something that everyone should aspire to, if only for vain reasons.
#12 Something terrible happened that made him doubt himself. This is touchy, because it is an example of male vulnerability. If you said something demeaning about his body, or him as a man, he probably took it personally. If you were having sex one day and something embarrassing happened, he might need a minute to build up the courage again. Just like women, it is possible for men to psych themselves out of arousal. [Read: 15 biggest sexual turn offs for men in bed]
#13 He’s insecure about his dick size. Think back to when you first had sex. Chances are, it was a little awkward, a little exciting, and a lot terrifying. Why terrifying? You were naked in front of a man for the first time! Some people, in general, get shy when they’re first dating someone new. If you and your man are a new couple, and you’re not having sex, it could be that he’s building up the courage for you to see him in all his birthday-suit glory. This is especially true for men who feel like they are too small or in some way inadequate. [Read: The real reason behind why men are so obsessed with their penis size]
#14 He’s trying to take things slow. This is another reason based on new couples. If you have just started dating, it is possible that he’s trying to take things slow. Contrary to popular belief, not all men want to jump right into sex. If you seem like the one, he might want to take things slow, and build up to sex. It’s not old-fashioned, it’s romantic! Unless it takes him forever to finally have sex with you—this could signal an underlying issue or deeper problem.
#15 There’s a chance that you’re hiding something, and he knows. Men aren’t the only ones that sneak around and hide things. If you’re the one at fault, and you are keeping him in the dark, chances are he suspects something. If this is the case, then he might be holding off on sex to avoid getting invested in your relationship even more, just in case you’re about to break his heart.
Sex is one of those things that can go very right–or very wrong–in seconds. When it’s great, it’s mind-blowing, but when you ruin it, it can leave you frustrated and upset for days. There are many reasons this could happen–but fortunately, not all of them are serious. Men are like women, in that they can get out of the mood quickly, depending on the situation at hand. Tiredness, work stress, cheating, masturbation, and arguments are just a few reasons why they might take a pass on sex.
If your man has taken a rain check, remember that it is not the end of the world. If you find yourself not having enough sex, and your man is going through some issues, try taking the reins for a day, or teasing him.
[Read: 15 things you may be doing that annoy him during sex]
And remember, a relationship takes two to work. When one of you is falling or losing interest in sex, the other one should be there to give a helping hand.
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