If you’re asking how to know if you are gay, we hate to tell you, but there’s no test for it. You have to look within yourself, but these signs can help.
Learning about your sexual orientation can be hard, and figuring out how to know if you are gay is a loaded process.
Unfortunately, no simple quiz can give you a definitive answer. You can’t take a blood test or pee in a cup and await results from your doctor.
Sexual orientation is much more complicated than that and can take a lot of soul-searching and self-examination. Even after that, coping with the belief that you might be gay can be traumatic for some people.
Dealing with signs you might be gay
Being gay is much more widely accepted today than it has been, but it doesn’t come without its own set of struggles.
Not everyone is comfortable admitting what they feel inside, especially if you hold on to the thought that it’s going to turn your world upside down. [Read: Coming out of the closet – 20 steps to open a new life door]
Don’t worry about that right now.
It’s okay to be curious in a world where you’re generally expected to grow up to be heterosexual. The only thing that’s right or wrong when figuring out how to know if you are gay is timing, and it’s completely based on what’s right or wrong for YOU.
Clarity takes time. Not only can you not wake up one morning and decide that you’re gay, but you also can’t feel comfortable telling the people you love if you aren’t comfortable with it yourself.
The most important thing is to take your time with your discovery process. If you do learn that you’re gay, it’s okay! Understand that “gay” is not your definition, but it is an important part of who you are.
And if you feel that your family and peers aren’t capable of understanding right away, know that there are a whole host of places you can go for support, both online and in your community.
How to know if you are gay
Try not to be afraid of being honest with yourself or those around you. [Read: 25 honest self-reflection questions to recognize the real YOU]
Those who love you will continue to do so no matter who you love. It may be a bit hard for some more conservative or old-fashioned people to come to terms with it at first, especially if it’s outside of their “norm,” but gay people have always been around.
It’s nothing new, and if you can show them how comfortable and accepting you are of yourself, they’ll join you in no time.
If you are ready to explore the potential that you’re gay, you may want to look at these fourteen signs that may signal that you have feelings for the same sex.
1. When you dream or fantasize about sex, it typically isn’t heterosexual
When it comes to sex, there isn’t a “normal.” If you have same-sex dreams or fantasies, it does not automatically make you gay.
However, if you find that the only time you get turned on or excited is when you’re thinking about people of the same sex, it may be a sign that you’re gay.
Masturbating while thinking of the same sex or imagining relationships with them is a pretty good indicator that you should explore your sexuality a little more. [Read: What does It mean when you dream about your crush?]
2. You haven’t ever had a crush on someone of the opposite sex
If you’ve never found someone of the opposite sex who makes your heart go pitter-patter, it might be more than just being unable to find the right “one.”
We all have a sexual drive built-in, and if yours isn’t ever sending you signs of attraction for the opposite sex, you may be suppressing your real feelings about what makes your heart soar.
Try to open your mind to crushing on someone outside of your gender and see where that takes you.
3. You feel nothing when you are affectionate with those of the opposite sex
If having sex with someone of the opposite sex always feels more like you’re just going through the motions than experiencing pleasure, or you have to fantasize about someone of the same sex to be aroused, there may be something driving your lack of enthusiasm.
Sexual desire is something that we can’t simply turn on or off whenever we feel like it. If you don’t get that loving feeling when getting it on with people of the opposite sex, you might be gay. [Read: How to tell if someone is gay – subtle clues that make it likely]
4. You have a special friend who makes you feel all tingly
We all get bromance crushes or new girlfriend crushes every once in a while. When we find someone that we just click with, it can sometimes feel a little similar to being in love.
However, if you have someone in your life who makes you feel a little tingly when you are out having fun and find yourself daydreaming about them, it could be something more than just a platonic crush.
You may be attracted to them in a way that’s more than just friendly. [Read: The perks and pitfalls of coming out of the closet]
5. You are very uncomfortable around homosexual people
If you’re outwardly homophobic in an extreme way, demean homosexual people, or simply make a show of being uncomfortable with a gay person, consider the possibility that you might have a problem with questioning your own sexuality.
If you know who you are and what turns you on, you shouldn’t care about what anyone else does in the bedroom aside from you and who you choose to be with.
6. You avoid being alone with people you are dating
This is an obvious signal when figuring out how to know if you are gay. There are times when being with someone you’re dating can be intimidating, especially if you haven’t had sex yet.
If you’re dating someone and find that you’re using every excuse to avoid finding yourself in a compromising position with them, then it may just be a problem of chemistry with that person. [Read: What is it really like to have a lesbian experience?]
However, if it’s a consistent theme that you’ve always thought was a fear of commitment, you may want to rethink it. A fear of commitment has nothing to do with sex.
People avoid sex because there is no desire that drives them to want to engage in sexual activity. If that’s happening to you, maybe it’s because you’re not interested in having sex with members of the opposite sex.
7. You see sex as a quest to conquer
If you sleep with everything that moves and your only intention with someone of the opposite sex is to love them, leave them, and put another notch on your bedpost, then you may be trying to prove something to yourself.
Each new person you have sex with confirms to you that you love having sex. But have you ever stopped to ask yourself why you need that constant confirmation? Why do you need to prove anything to anyone unless you might be having doubts? [Read: Heteroflexible – all you need to know about a rare sexuality]
8. You have friends and family who wouldn’t approve
What would your family and friends say if you told them that you were gay?
If you come from a deeply religious or conservative background and know that being homosexual simply is not acceptable in that world, it’s a valid reason to examine your true inner feelings.
You can’t live the rest of your life being afraid of who you are or hiding your feelings for fear of rejection. When figuring out how to know if you are gay, this can be a big factor for most people. [Read: Top gay-friendly vacation hot spots on earth]
9. You feel like you always have a secret
Perhaps you don’t know why you can’t let the real you shine, but there’s something that makes you feel like a fake. You just can’t put your finger on it.
If you have characteristics and thoughts that you feel may indicate that you’re gay, but you also feel like you have to keep those parts of you secret, maybe it is time to explore what’s really going on and who you are inside. Hiding your true self doesn’t benefit you or those who care about you.
10. Your experimentation has become an obsession
Many people go through phases of sexual experimentation. If you’ve had a homosexual experience, it doesn’t necessarily make you gay.
If you’ve been experimenting for quite some time and feel more comfortable and fulfilled in bed with a person of the same sex, however, then you just might be gay. [Read: Sure ways to tell if you’re really bi-curious]
11. You’ve never felt like your friends
When your friends were all starting to talk about their crushes of the opposite sex, you didn’t get it. You always figured you were a late bloomer and that when the right girl or guy came along, you would get those magical feelings.
You’ve played around and dated, but it still hasn’t happened for you.
If you’re still waiting for your sexuality to kick in, you might simply be denying the true feelings inside because you’re fearful of being who you really are.
Don’t worry about yourself because you’re not where your friends are. You’ll get where you need to be when it’s time for you to get there. In the meantime, entertain the idea that you might have feelings for someone NOT of the opposite gender.
12. You think a lot about whether or not you’re gay
When trying to figure out how to know if you are gay, consider how often you think about that possibility. [Read: Am I a lesbian or bisexual? 31 signs to get to the truth without asking around]
The more you question it, the more it might be true. If you find yourself constantly teetering on that line of thought, you might want to lean into it a little and figure out what that means for you.
If you’ve had one or two passing thoughts or use the line, “Maybe I’m just gay!” just to excuse your dating history with the opposite sex, it might not be something to seriously consider. But if you feel like the possibility of you being gay occupies a pretty regular spot in your mind, explore it.
13. You feel more comfortable with your LGBT friends
Having a lot of friends in the LGBTQ community or being a big supporter of them certainly isn’t an immediate sign that you’re gay, but ask yourself why.
Are you more comfortable with those friends because you feel that you identify with them more than your heterosexual friends? Does supporting them mean so much to you because YOU want to feel that kind of support? [Read: Definition of queer – what does the Q in LGBTQ really mean?]
14. You look longingly at all things gay and think, “I wish that was me.”
If you feel a little jealous of anyone who is out and proud, it could be because you long to be that accepting of yourself.
If you don’t know how to get there, you’re not alone. Those same people were likely not always out and proud and faced their internal battles to get there. They had the same questions you’re having now and had to go down their road to find the answers.
The good news is that you can lean on those individuals when and if you think you’re ready to answer those questions yourself, and it’ll be all the support that you need to get you going.
Coping with discrimination and homophobia
Being gay is much more acceptable than at any other time in history. For some, it’s still not an easy thing to tell people in your life or even admit to yourself. [Read: How to respect yourself – 37 secrets of self-respect, self-belief, & self-love]
Sometimes, it seems easier to play the role that everyone wants you to play than to be your genuine self.
However, keeping your real self hidden puts you at a huge risk for deep depression, suicidal thoughts, and a host of other problems, which are just as scary, if not scarier, than dealing with ignorance and close-mindedness.
While you don’t owe anyone an explanation or have to tell other people about your sexual orientation, be mindful of how you’re coping with it yourself.
Regardless, feeling accepted by others is a huge deal for some people, and not having that can cause feelings of shame, denial, low self-esteem, and self-hatred.
The most important things you need to learn are that being gay is NOT abnormal and that homophobia is NOT okay. If you can teach yourself these things, it’ll be a lot easier for you to cope when someone tries to tell you otherwise. [Read: Heteronormativity – negative consequences of a sad reality]
No matter who you are or what you do, not everyone is going to be accepting and supportive. It’s up to you to find the right people.
Surround yourself with those who ARE accepting and supportive. You can join advocacy and support groups where you can fight against discrimination and share your experiences with others.
There is no defining characteristic that makes you gay. It isn’t about having a lisp, wanting to skip instead of run, having an immaculate apartment, or being overly sensitive. It is about a chemical reaction that you have with those around you.
If you’re questioning how to know if you are gay, listen to these signs, reflect, and explore. Most importantly, find support!
