Just because you’re in a relationship, doesn’t mean you know everything about one another. Even couples married for 30+ years have more to learn. But what are the best questions to ask in a relationship? Is it your favorite color? Or biggest pet peeve? Or should the questions be deeper?
Bad questions to ask in a relationship
Before we get into the best questions to ask in a relationship, there are some you may want to avoid. And others you will want to reword.
Asking questions that come with accusations is never a good move. Questions like, “Why are you so crazy?” or “What’s the matter with you?” will only cause more trouble than they are worth. Instead of putting it all on them, be a bit more calm and understanding.
You can ask something like, “Sometimes you get so upset at the tiniest thing, why do you think that is?” A more patient question worded in a way that makes it clear you actually want to help and not blame is the first step to making bad questions good questions. [Read: How you can be more open and vulnerable in a relationship]
The best questions to ask in a relationship
If you are looking to deepen your connection, find out more about your partner’s past, or just learn more about them, these are the questions you want on standby.
These all come with a lot of explanation as to how your partner became the person they are today. Just remember that communication is a two-way street, so be prepared to open up yourself.
#1 What was your childhood like? Unless you are childhood sweethearts, there is a good chance you don’t know much about how your partner grew up. It might be shocking that you knew so little about this time in their life, so change that.
A lot of people may say the past is in the past, but getting to know what made your partner who they are is so important. This could also clue you in on parts of your own relationship you never really thought about before. Plus, you may find you have more in common than you ever realized. [Read: How to create a deeper connection with someone]
#2 Who was your first love and what was that experience like? Our first love may have been in grade school or it could have been in college. It can be considered puppy love, but that infatuation or full on relationship is how we were first introduced to love.
It changes how we see things and how we act in relationships moving forward. Talking about your exes is a no-go if you are still harboring feelings, but as long as you’ve moved on, sharing these experiences with one another opens your relationship to a whole other level.
#3 What was your first impression of me? Once you have been dating for a while, you see your partner as just that. This is someone you are with. But when you first met, your thoughts were probably pretty different. Talk about what you thought when you first met.
Was it solely about attraction? Did you think they were stuck up? Maybe they found you to be mysterious and intriguing. Learning about what interested you both at the beginning is so insightful to how the rest of your relationship developed from there. [Read: What is pillow talk? How to use it right and perfect your romance]
#4 How do you want to deal with fights? This is a question not enough couples ask each other. You get into a fight and one person wants to talk it out while the other wants time alone. And then things can get misunderstood.
Arguments in a relationship go much more smoothly when both you and your partner decide how to deal. Do you want to take some time to cool down and then talk or do you want to get everything out in the open. Having this talk and knowing how your partner deals best can make every future issue that much less of one.
#5 What are your deal breakers? This can be a super scary question to ask someone you are currently dating. When you first meet you find out if they smoke or drink. And if that is a deal breaker, you don’t know each other so it is no big deal.
But once you have a connection and are emotionally invested you can go a long time without talking about the more difficult topics. And the longer you put it off, the harder it will be later. Do you want kids, but your partner doesn’t? Do you have opposing political or religious views?
It can be brutal to bring up something that could break you apart, but if you don’t talk about this for another year down the road you will only cause more heartbreak. If you talk about it now, you may even be able to come to a compromise. [Read: 50 relationship questions to test your compatibility instantly]
#6 Do you have any regrets? So many people claim they have no regrets. I myself would like to say that, but if you told me I could go back and change something I probably would.
Mistakes you have made and the things that came from them make us who we are today, but sometimes things would be easier or better if that mistake never happened. Asking your partner what they would change or what they regret says a lot about who they are.
Do they regret hurting someone? Do they wish they could change their college major? Or do they regret something else. Some people wish to go back so their lives would be better today. Others might want to improve someone else’s life. This can let you know a lot about your partner and yourself. [Read: Thought-provoking questions to keep you thinking and curious]
#7 If you won the lottery what would you do? This may seem like a surface level question, but money is such a powerful thing in this world. Knowing if you and your partner agree on what to do with such a large amount of it can say a lot about your potential future together.
Would you travel the world? Would they want to save it? Or would you both prefer to donate it?
#8 What do you get from our relationship? This can be another hard question to ask if you don’t have a lot of confidence. Although it can strengthen your bond, it could potentially create friction.
Do you both simply get companionship from one another? Or do you get respect and support? Do you get happiness and intimacy? Sharing the answer to this question can guide you to make your relationship stronger or reaffirm what you already knew.
#9 Do you believe in fate? Believing in fate can be mixed with believing in soulmates. Were you meant to be all along? Or do you work at your relationship everyday and fight for each other? Answering this can clue you into their bigger views of the world. [Read: Real soulmates – 20 signs you’ve met the love of your life]
#10 Do you hold grudges? You may already know the answer to this depending on how long you’ve been together, but seeing how self aware your partner is is definitely beneficial. They may say they forgive easily, but do they constantly bring up that one mistake you made?
This can open the door for a further conversation or help you clue each other in on somethings you may not realize.
#11 If you could change one thing about me, what would it be? This is a truly insightful question. Some would maybe say that you pick your clothes up off the floor or close the door when you use the bathroom. But if they say something about your looks or personality that is something to think about.
Perhaps they would prefer if you were less hot headed. That is something you can work on. But if they prefer you had more money or a better tan, you may want to rethink things.
#12 What offends you the most? Not only does this let you know how sensitive your partner is, but it can let you know if they have been hurt in the past or what to avoid in the future. Are they most offended when someone attacks their character? Or are they offended by racism and ignorance?
#13 What do you think you need to work on personally? If they say nothing, well, that is a problem all on its own. But this can help you give them more respect or be more patient in certain situations. Maybe they have to work on forgiveness or trust. Or perhaps they have low self esteem or high levels of anxiety.
Don’t forget that within your relationship there are two individuals with their own problems and struggles. [Read: Watch out for these types of toxic relationships]
#14 What scares you most about the future? This can give you a glimpse at what your partner might stress about down the road. Are they worried about money? Having a job? Or perhaps being a parent or the state of our country? Or maybe even the environment? [Read: Intellectual questions – 43 cues to spark smart talk with anyone]
#15 What do you define as cheating? Depending on someone’s past, their definition of cheating can vary quite a bit. Is it a kiss or more? Is is flirting? Knowing that you are on the same page regarding what cheating is will definitely help you moving forward.
Something you may view as totally innocent could be a huge betrayal to your partner. Knowing this is necessary.
#16 Is there something you would like us to do that we’ve never done? This gives them a safe place to propose something they may have been nervous to bring up in the past. Is there something they want to try in the bedroom? Or have they always wanted to take a trip to France? [Read: 30 naughty questions for couples to keep the spark alive]
#17 Do you struggle with confidence? For some reason, admitting you have self esteem issues to your partner is seen as such a defeat. Maybe people think their partner will feel sorry for them or something. But I think talking about confidence issues with your partner can only be beneficial.
It opens both of your eyes to certain situations and sensitivities you or your partner may have. It can also guide you both to a more healthy self image.
#18 Do you have a living will? Another more difficult subject that many people don’t want to think about let alone talk about, but depending how serious your relationship is, it is good to know these things. God forbid anything were to happen, it is vital that someone close to you in your life knows what you want.
#19 What do you think about my family? When discussing you childhood, you get to know your partner’s family and their relationship, but what do they think of your family? These people could potentially be family one day, so sharing these opinions is healthy and useful.
Perhaps your partner loves your mom, but feels she’s judgmental when they discuss work. You can try to avoid more awkward or tense situations with your partner and certain family members if you actually know the issues. [Read: You should be asking your significant other these important questions]
#20 Are you happy? It is easy to make this question all about you, but when asking it realize just because you are a couple, it doesn’t mean all their happiness depends on you. They could be disappointed with their career or success.
Talking about your happiness lets you realize what you may want to change or do more of in life so that you can be happy together.
[Read: 14 steps to emotionally connect with someone and feel closer]
There are hundreds of questions to ask in a relationship. All these questions will strengthen your bond and make your relationship come together on a deeper level.
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