Understanding how to fight fair in a relationship is crucial for the success of any relationship, be it a long one or a new one.
When two individuals pick an argument, even if they’re in love with each other, either of them instinctively want to win the argument and prove that they’re right.
But when you’re in a relationship, you really have to understand that it’s just not the way to work things out.
In almost all arguments, there’s a winner and then, a loser.
But in love, depending on how you argue, it can either make both of you the winners or make both of you suffer too.
How to fight fair in love
Two people who love each other and respect each other don’t fight in a relationship to win an argument, they only fight because they’re hurt or feel misunderstood.
Most lovers don’t understand this, but do you really think your lover’s arguing with you just to dominate you?
The next time you find yourself in a relationship fight, use these ten steps to fight fair in love, and come out of an argument as winners who have made their relationship stronger, instead of weaker.
#1 Stay focused on the conflict
It’s easy to stray from the real conflict when you fight in a relationship, especially when you’re on the losing side. You may start arguing about how your partner leaves you alone at a party and drag the fight all the way to how your mate doesn’t help with the chores.
But is that really helping you make a point here, or is it just leading to your partner shutting down in frustration? Always stick to what upset you or angered you. It’s easy to focus on one aspect and solve the issue instead of going all over the place.
#2 Don’t bring up past issues
If you want to know how to fight fair in a relationship, never bring up unnecessary details of the past just to make your partner feel miserable. If your partner almost cheated on you three years ago, there’s really no need to bring that up just to win an argument or make your partner shut up. [Read: Should you ever confess to cheating?]
#3 Don’t use a low blow on your lover
Sometimes, when all you see is red because you’re on the losing side, the easiest way to hurt your partner is to hit them where it hurts. By talking about how fat or ugly your partner’s become, or how much of a loser they are, you’re definitely tweaking a sensitive nerve and you may even manage to bring your lover to tears. But why should you ever do that? Just to prove that you’re right and your mate’s wrong? If you want to fight fair, always avoid a low blow that can traumatize your partner for a long time.
#4 Don’t be sarcastic
Sarcasm can hurt, a lot. And it can hurt a lot more when you use it in a lovers’ tiff. And it could also piss your mate off and force them to start low blowing you or bringing up past issues just to get even. And what started off as a misunderstanding can lead to an all out war, and guess what, with no solution.
#5 Listen to each other
Contrary to what most people think, an argument will always help a relationship get better and help both of you understand each other. But that’s only as long as both of you respect each other’s opinions and are willing to listen to each other without cutting across.
You may feel wronged by an accusation or may have a very valid point to retaliate with. But try your best to avoid cutting your partner and listen to what they have to say. Most of the times, a show of frustration is more of a plea hoping to be heard.
#6 Don’t raise your voices
Raised voices may have worked in the roman senate, but it’ll never help in a relationship tussle. When one partner raises their voice, it’ll infuriate the other partner who may start yelling too, or perhaps even throw a few things around in frustration. Never make a mountain out of a molehill, and don’t raise your voice unless you have no choice. When you try your best to stay in control and speak with a calm voice, it’ll also help your partner calm down and help both of you have a discussion instead of a fight. [Read: How to communicate in a relationship]
#7 Don’t gloat over your wins
When you want to fight fair in a relationship, you should learn to accept an apology with humility. By behaving in a bossy manner or gloating over the fact that your partner apologized to you, you’ll only force your partner into becoming a person who never apologizes because of the way you behave after “winning” a fight.
Learning to apologize and accept apologies with humility are a part of happy relationships. It brings both of you closer as long as either of you don’t lose respect for each other or create an egoistic wall around yourselves.
[Read: How to be happy in a relationship]
#8 Don’t blame your failures on your partner
Did you get late for work because your partner didn’t wake you up on time? It’s really your own fault. If you wanted to wake up earlier, try and make an effort yourself. Are you constantly frustrated because you’re a stay-at-home mom or dad and not a restaurateur? Do something about it or make the best of the circumstances you have.
Don’t blame someone else for your misfortunes or your shortcomings. If you feel strongly about something, speak about it without losing your cool. It may or may not be either of your faults. Sometimes, it could all just be a big misunderstanding.
#9 Remember why you’re fighting
Most couples always forget the real reason for the conflict. Always remember that both of you are fighting, not to score points or prove dominance, but only because one of you is hurt and wants to be heard. Never forget that.
If both of you find yourselves fighting over something trivial, remember that by solving it, it’ll help you have a better relationship. Instead of waiting to pounce on your partner with a barrage of accusations, try your best to end it and understand each other’s views at the end of the argument. [Read: How to stay in love forever]
#10 Kiss and make up
You may have a lot of differences or arguments in your relationship, but every single one of them can actually bring both of you closer and help either of you understand each other.
As furious as both of you may be, always hug, kiss and make up after a fight even if you couldn’t come to a conclusion. Don’t lock yourself in a room or storm out of the house. It makes things worse for both of you, and you’re only prolonging something that can end in minutes.
It may take a lot of effort to put your arms around your lover after a fresh fight, but if you want to know how to fight fair in love, you also need to know how to end it well in a good relationship. Making up after a fight shows that both of you respect each other and love each other a lot to let a few small misunderstandings come in the way of the happy romance both of you share.
[Read: Real signs of a good relationship]
Use these ten steps to understand how to fight fair in a relationship the next time you find yourself locked in a conflict. Odds are, you may understand each other better and have a happier relationship once the dust settles.
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