When you fall for someone, or even as you get close to someone, be it a friend or someone you’re dating, it’s not easy to know who they really are. It’s easy to project yourself as the perfect person when you know how to fake it. But with the right kind of deep questions to ask someone, you can casually find out their innermost thoughts and desires, without putting them in a spot.
Of course, there are no wrong answers when it comes to deep questions. There are just perspectives. But if the two of you think on opposite end of the spectrum, can you share a bond that will last a lifetime? Can you trust that the direction they choose in life will be along the same lines as yours? Would your morality accept the decisions they choose?
Now, there are different kinds of questions you need to ask people depending on their relationship with you. If you’re looking to ask deep questions to someone you’re bonding with, or someone you see as potential life partner, read on.
But if you’re looking for other specific relationships, we have the best deep questions for all of them. Just click on any of the links below, and jump straight to the set of life changing, deep questions for the right person.
Deep questions to ask your best friend and strengthen your bond
Deep questions to ask a girl and reveal her true self
Deep questions to ask a guy and turn any guy into an open book
Deep questions to ask your boyfriend to get to know everything you need to know
Deep and self-discovery questions to ask yourself and learn who you truly are
There is nothing more spectacular than falling in love, or starting to get closer to someone. The problem is, while we are attracted to someone, there are often red flags that we ignore. Wanting a relationship to work, we neglect those things that are sure to be a deal breaker for a happily ever after.
[Read: 60 very important get to know you questions for a new romance]
Before you bond too deeply, it is important for you to understand their point of view. And also what makes them, who they really are on the inside. Using these deep questions to ask someone early on can save you from big heartache later.
[Read: How well do you know me? 35 really fun but important questions for couples]
These questions will provide you with serious, thoughtful insight into this person’s inner workings, and will go a long way in determining if you two can bond for life… or are doomed to fail.
Does that make them naive? Does it make them very loyal and someone you shouldn’t betray? What would you do if they were to ask you back the same question?
Is it loyalty? Integrity? Ability to see the light in every situation? Someone who can laugh through their problems? What does this person think are the traits that matter most, and what do they value about all else?
[Read: 20 positive personality traits that can change your life forever]
Many of us think we’re the best thing that happened to earth! But sometimes, this deep question to ask someone can also reveal their humility or just how truthful someone is. Do they consider themselves to be a good person? Do they admit they have flaws?
Something physical? Something about their personality? This is a deep question to ask someone that also reveals what they believe is their flaw, and something they secretly wish to correct.
This may not be an important deep question to ask if you don’t intend to date them. But it it’s a good question to understand their perspective on a legal bond like marriage.
The question of children is a critical one that most people don’t discuss early enough.
Thinking they may scare their mate off, or are being pushy, they don’t ask this deep question, but it often ends up being a dealbreaker down the road. There may not be that great a difference between one and two, but there is between six and none!
[Read: 19 things you MUST do as a couple before having a baby]
What do they value most? Memories have a way of revealing what people cherish more than anything else. Is it wealth, an experience, a hedonistic pleasure, or a simple memory that means a lot only to them?
This deep question reveals a lot about a person. Are they driven and seek success and accomplishments? Do they prefer to take it easy and enjoy every moment of life, because hey, you only live once?!
What is their biggest achievement? What do you think of it? Is that something you would be proud of too?
Do they see life as one never-ending battle against the odds? A gift to be grateful for? How do they approach life and everything they come across?
[Read: What am I doing with my life? How to break through the rut you’re in]
Would you? This deep question to ask someone says a lot about the way they look at their own life, their problems, and their own successes. Is it something they think they can fix? Or do they wish they could just drop everything and start fresh in an unknown scenario?
Some people see stereotypes as a useful tool to navigate the world, while others believe they are limiting. People who are okay with stereotypes are fundamentally different from those who think they are bad. Knowing where you stand on the spectrum, as opposed to the person you are with, is imperative for harmony in the future.
If someone is very prejudiced, it can alter the way you look at them.
We often keep our harder beliefs hidden until later in the relationship. Putting it all out there is important, because you want to know how someone feels up front, so it isn’t a surprise or a deal breaker once you have fallen in love.
If you are someone who believes a girl can do anything a guy can do, while she is more of a “guys are protectors and women should stay at home” kind of gal, there are going to be problems in the future. Having similar ideas about gender responsibilities and limitations are important to determine roles as you become a couple.
You want to stay home, but he wants you to work. See how that can cause a problem?
If you are a working girl now but want to stay at home with the kids, that is important to discuss before you are knee-deep in a mortgage and a growing family.
Does she believe in sacrificing family time to be more financially secure, or does she think that money can’t buy happiness? What are you both willing to do without—time or money? Worker bees and leisure-seeking individuals often do not meld well. [Try: 12 reasons why couples drift apart over time]
Did they get along with their parents? The apple usually does not fall far from the tree.
Finding out if they get along with their parents will tell you what type of family life they have, and whether it was open and loving or critical and challenging. That is important, because history has a tendency to repeat itself. If this person’s parents were harsh and overly critical, it is more likely that they will unconsciously follow suit when they have children.
Is this person an adventurer or a history buff? If you like to climb mountains and he would rather grab a good book on the beach, that could cause problems in your future. It isn’t that opposites don’t attract, but if you have nothing in common but being fun to look at, it will make for a challenging union.
This question will tell you what they value. An expensive car is usually something people get to show off to others. If you are someone who drives a late-model Monte Carlo not because you have to, but because you don’t care, then you probably don’t value appearances as much as he does.
Having different mindsets about the importance of what you show to the world can cause real difficulties about spending habits. [Read: 16 attention whore signs to watch out for!]
What if you wanted to go on a sabbatical to Africa to help underprivileged children? Would they be willing to let you go, and support you in your dreams?
Likewise, if you wanted to become a porn star, would they be okay with it and back you up? It is important to know where they stand on fostering your dreams and if they will provide you with unconditional love and support.
In-laws can be a very positive or destructive force in a relationship. They may like you now, but if something happened to change the dynamics, who would your spouse back? To be a couple, you have to promise to have your spouse’s back, even when it means standing up to your parents.
If someone is lonely, they are more likely to want a closer relationship where you do everything together. If you are more of an independent soul, that could leave one person always feeling isolated and sad. That will eventually lead to problems. [Read: Loneliness in a relationship – 4 whys and 7 ways to fix it]
There are times in a relationship when someone may want or need something from you that may be uncomfortable for you. Ideally, you want someone who is willing to stand up for themselves and what they want, but you have to know to what extent.
If they always put you first, it can lead to losing respect for them. If they always put themselves first, it can make you feel less loved. It is important to know where they stand on this issue and what their beliefs are with regard to what you should do for your partner in a relationship.
Do they put the person they love before themselves, or do they believe their needs go first? The way that they answer may give you a clue about what is truly inside.
Are they a jealous person? Every time you see an old love, are they going to make an issue of it, or use it to belittle you, or make you feel poorly?
If they don’t care, maybe you want them to a little. Figure out which end of the spectrum they fall on. [Check out: How to deal with jealousy in a relationship]
What is it that defines a bad person for them? If they think the worst thing anyone can think of them is that they are selfish, you are likely to have found someone who puts others first.
If they don’t want someone to think they are poor, you probably have someone who is worried about appearances. Who do they want to be?
How do they view children? Do they want to parent as a team, or is it couple first, children second? Neither is right, but it is important to know how they view children in a relationship and what place kids will hold.
Do they believe that behavior like bullying or crying are deal breakers? If smoking is a no-no, you should know that before you admit that you smoke when you drink.
You can’t hide it forever, nor do you want to, whatever the behavior is. [Try: What is a good relationship? Here are the signs.]
What are their expectations about what a healthy sexual relationship is?
Most people think sex should happen all the time in the beginning. Then, when children come along, romance and sex take a backseat. It is important to know how much they value sex in a relationship over the long term.
If you think that the key to a healthy sex life is trying new things, then it is critical to know whether someone is willing to be open and share new sexual experiences with you, or if missionary is all that they are interested in trying.
Would they spend it on you or them? Would they save it or spend it? This question will tell you if they are generous or stingy with their money. [Read: Money management for couples]
How comfortable are they with themselves and being alone? People who are okay being by themselves are more comfortable in their skin and don’t need someone to make them happy. They want to have someone to make their life more meaningful, rather than fulfill a need.
How open are they to different opinions? Do they judge people for what they believe? Often, someone who doesn’t want to engage in a touchy subject either gets too upset by conflict, or worries it will alter the way that they view you.
It is important to be on the same political wavelength, but opinions change. Are they open to new ideas and discussing uncomfortable things?
Were they the bully or the object of bullying? The playground is where we decide what behavior is acceptable, and what is not. What is unacceptable behavior to them? [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]
Are you going to be dealing with someone else’s baggage? If someone broke their heart, they are likely to have residual trust issues that will pop up in the future.
It is important to find out if they have been let down, and how, so you know if they are likely to guard their heart.
Is he a “guy’s guy,” or does she think crying is weak? This question tells you whether you can be yourself around someone and be as sensitive as you want to be. How much can you let your guard down and be who you are?
Are they constantly feeling not good enough, or as if they let people down? Someone who is confident in their accomplishments will say that they have parents who are proud of them. It will also tell you how they were treated growing up, and if their parents fostered their emotional well-being. [Read: 11 tips to fall in love with yourself and be a better you]
What is it that they value in human beings and hold as the epitome of what is important in a lifetime?
How optimistic are they about their life? If they believe they are going to die young, question them about why they have such low hopes for a long, happy future. Are they fatalistic, pessimistic, or even a hypochondriac?
What are the qualities they think make someone a good friend, and what is it about their best friend that allows them to take that important role?
[Next, read: 50 relationship questions to test your compatibility instantly]
These deep questions are sometimes hard to ask, because we don’t really want to know the answers. If you are falling in love with someone, it is better to find out that they aren’t what you believed they were at the start, than to be blindsided in the end.
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