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33 Guilty Pleasures That Are Best Kept a Secret

Whether it’s singing Hanson’s Mmmbop in the shower, or stalking your ex on facebook, we all have them—guilty pleasures. Here are 33 to keep under wraps.

Guilty Pleasures

Guilty pleasures are those things that we love to do, but would never—ever—tell anyone about. Over our dead bodies. Often, these guilty pleasures are embarrassing and utterly weird, so we keep them to ourselves, or pretend we don’t do them. However, these are what make us a little happier each day.

Keep ‘em on the D.L.

Here are some of the most shameful, embarrassing, outrageous, and—let’s admit it—wonderful dirty, guilty pleasures you may share with other people.

#1 Vampires and heroes. You know those fantasy romance titles and book series meant for teens? You love them! But you wouldn’t admit it. You have a stack of those books under your bed and you cry, laugh, and fall in love with the characters on the pages.

#2 Cooking diva. When you’re alone in the kitchen, you pretend that you have your own cooking show a la Gordon Ramsey. Inspired by Emeril Lagasse, you even created your own signature flourish when you top your food with garnish.

#3 Rain dance. Whether it is doing the rain dance in the shower, pretending that there’s actual rain, or just simple dancing in the shower, you have your secret shower moves that you’ll never let anyone see.

#4 Shower sonata. Aside from dancing, you belt out the high notes in the shower, too—something you’ll never do for karaoke.

#5 Secret series. From Dawson’s Creek to Scandal, you have this thing for television series that you watch in the privacy of your own room. In fact, you quickly change channels when someone pops in—you’d rather admit you watched porn than Ally McBeal reruns.

#6 Throne meditation. You just can’t get your morning toilet ritual going in the right direction without that additional deed you’ve just got to do, like reading a magazine, answering a crossword puzzle, playing Sudoku, or building your defenses in Clash of Clans.

#7 Pimple pop. No matter how much your mom or the dermatologist tells you not to, you can’t help it. You just gotta pop that zit!

#8 Cher. You like to pretend you’re Cher from Clueless, or any other character from pop culture. When you’re alone in your room, you perform a litany of impersonations—and boy, it feels great!

#9 Keeping up. You wouldn’t admit it to your friends, but you actually like to watch reality shows like Keeping Up With the Kardashians. In fact, you also watch the Real Housewives show. And the thing is, you’re a guy.

#10 Eating junk. No matter how much you try to stick to your paleo diet, you can’t wait for your cheat day. When it arrives, you binge-eat junk. ALL DAY.

#11 Hover rover. You like looking over strangers’ shoulders and reading their text messages or emails. You hover over people with the most interesting conversations and quickly turn away when they look at you, looking at their phone.

#12 Bawling and movies. You have that one movie you watch and end up crying through. Either you just can’t help but cry when you watch it, or you watch it because you want a good cry. [Read: 14 perfect movies for a good cry session]

#13 Choco loco. Whenever you feel tense or down, you put on your sweats, get in bed, shut out the world, and eat your stash of chocolate like there’s no tomorrow.

#14 Trashy stash. Whether you’re a guy or a girl, you have a secret stash of trashy magazines you like browsing again and again. You even secretly buy new issues every now and then, oblivious to the fact that you’re well on your way to having a trashy library.

#15 Mirror, mirror. Every morning, you have a sexy, sultry monologue in the mirror. Often, you rehearse how you’d flirt with that guy from the bar. [Read: Build your self esteem – 35 funny things to tell yourself in front of the mirror]

#16 Girl power. From Spice Girls to Taylor Swift, you have a playlist of all the girl groups and singers that you like and you secretly sing along to. You’re a guy, so sharing your playlist is definitely taboo.

#17 Secret fan. You’d rather die than admit you’re a big fan of some celebrity. You follow him or her on all social media accounts, have photos tucked secretly in your computer folders, and keep track of all news and celebrity gossip about him/her.

#18 Self-gifting. Valentine’s Day is coming and, to cheer yourself up, you buy yourself flowers. You even add a cute, heartfelt note to yourself. Even when it’s not V-day, you still do it—and your officemates think you have a secret admirer.

#19 Birthday suit in the suite. Whenever you’re alone in the house, you take off all your clothes and walk around naked. You even do a little jig when you feel like it. [Read: 20 fun things that are best done naked at home]

#20 Musical maniac. You know all the musicals and can sing along to each of them. And, when you’re alone, you dance that number from Moulin Rouge and pretend you’re Nicole Kidman’s character, Satine.

#21 The tub. As cliché as television and the movies make it seem, it’s always nice to just sit in bed, pop on a favorite movie *or go for a Grey’s Anatomy marathon* and gobble up a tub of ice cream.

#22 Social stalker. From time to time, especially in the wee hours of the morning, you “peek” into your ex’s social media accounts, just to see how they are and what they’re up to. *Or if they found someone new.* [Read: Is your ex thinking about you? Find out with these signs]

#23 Golden glob. You like picking your nose in private and you especially like it when you get something extra big and gooey. You hold it between your fingers and examine its texture before “throwing it away.”

#24 Dashboard confessions. You keep a secret blog where you put all your wildest fantasies and just about every thought and opinion you have about everything in your life. You would never, EVER let anyone know your blog URL, or that you comment on Reddit as KittyHammer.

#25 Microwave desserts. And pancakes. And waffles. And every sinful junk you can cook in the microwave. You eat it. The whole box.

#26 Master-bating. You actually subscribe to a porn site and masturbate under the covers in your room. Sometimes, you even light a few candles, dim the light, and make a night of it. [Read: Female masturbation – 17 facts about the naughty secret]

#27 Smoking. Although you wouldn’t admit it to your partner or your friends, you haven’t really quit smoking. When you’re alone in the house, especially in the toilet, you smoke a stick or two.

#28 Getting high. Speaking of smoking, you also like to get high and just lie on your bedroom floor, naked. You get a kick out of pretending you’re floating.

#29 Honey Boo Boo. You’d rather die than admit you have a thing for rednecks. You watch the series and you like listening to how they talk. Often, you wonder how it’d be to grow up in a redneck household.

#30 Poke-man. No matter how much of a grown man you are, you still have your collection of Pokemon characters in your room and, sometimes, you play with them while singing the soundtrack.

#31 Maury and Jerry. There’s something about watching people with very personal and embarrassing problems go on shows like Maury, Jerry Springer, and Dr. Phil. You even find yourself rooting for an unlikely character.

#32 K-Pop. You sing and dance along with K-Pop groups, although you have absolutely NO IDEA what they’re saying. You even try to dress like them—but you’d never let anyone see you outside your bedroom.

#33 Smelling strangers. You know it’s weird, but you just like smelling people’s perfume or shampoo on the subway or in the line at the deli. You find a sick sort of satisfaction in knowing which one in the crowd smells good and which one is just—eek.

It’s the small things in life that make all the difference. When we are having a rough day, when we feel down, when we go through a break up, or we get fired, we all have something we do that gives us a little pick-me-up. They may be weird, embarrassing, or utterly disgusting, but these deeds and pleasures make us who we are. We may go to absurd lengths to keep them hidden, but these guilty pleasures just make our life a little more awesome.

From K-pop to popping pimples, the Kardashians to Mr. Phil, we all have guilty pleasures that make us who we are. However, these are closely guarded secrets and, we admit, we’d rather keep it that way!

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Tiffany Grace Reyes
Tiffany is a wordsmith who has played with words ever since her letter-to-the-editor was published nationally at the age of 9. Since then her writing has gone f...
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