While most men usually try to act nonchalant about sex, the truth is that they’re not so different from women when it comes to getting intimate.
No matter how confident they act, all guys have some insecurities about sex, even when they are in a long-term relationship. Sex is fraught with emotional issues, and guys have them just as women do. While women are more likely to have self-consciousness issues about their bodies, men have issues that also cause anxiety and performance issues on top of it!
How does sex affect a man’s psyche?
Sex in a relationship entails an extremely strong emotional connection. It has the power to bring two people much closer together, but it can create insecurities as well, which can drive a couple apart. If one partner seems distant or uninvolved during sex, it can nag at the other person, and leave them wondering. Maybe they’re just tired from work, or maybe the sex is getting old and stale. It can even leave someone wondering whether they’re being cheated on.
Men constantly measure themselves against standards that society creates. During sex, it’s usually somewhere in the back of a guy’s mind: Is he big enough? Will he last long enough? Will he last too long? Can he make her come? Has she had better before? He may try to hide it, but he has his insecurities just like women have theirs.
Unless he’s got major intimacy issues, sex in a relationship is important for a man both, for pleasure, and to create the intimacy that strengthens the bond between lovers. While it’s generally easier emotionally for men to have unattached sex or one-night stands, most guys really do want to make love to someone they love, rather than just screw someone they don’t.
9 issues men often have when getting intimate
Some men have a lot of issues, while others have negligible ones. Below are some of the issues that may often cross their mind when having sex with a woman.
#1 Performance issues. Most guys have some personal hang-ups when it comes to sex. All guys have had or will have some sexual dysfunction or performance anxiety in their lives. The fear of this happening either for the first time, or again, can weigh heavy on his mind. Usually, worrying about it so much makes it more likely to happen, but it can be hard to avoid. [Read: 10 easy ways to overcome sexual anxiety and improve performance]
#2 Her past partners. He may also have insecurities about a woman’s past partners. Unless he is her first, a guy will inevitably think about her past sexual experience and compare himself. He might be worried about the other guy’s size – maybe he was better endowed. Or it could be about performance – maybe he was more experienced or had better technique. Any guy who denies that this has crossed his mind is not being honest.
#3 Keeping her interested. Another potential area for creating insecurities is when sex starts getting too routine. If the woman seems to be losing interest in sex, or if sex is becoming less and less frequent, a guy might worry that it’s an issue about him. This works in exactly the same way when the roles are switched and it’s the guy who seems to be losing interest and the woman who does the worrying. [Read: 12 ways to keep her in the mood with foreplay]
#4 How she responds to his insecurities. If a guy does display any of these insecurities, a woman should be honest and open. If the sex could be better, discuss it openly and in a non-judgmental way. She should not be afraid to let him know if there’s a better way that he could be doing something in bed. And it’s a two-way street, so she should be sure to ask him if there’s anything she can be doing differently or better.
#5 The persistence of his issues. There is one important note that should be mentioned: There are some guys whose insecurities and hang-ups are insurmountable. If a woman has done all she can to reassure him that his performance is fine, his size is fine, and that sex is fine, but he still can’t get over it and insists that he can’t measure up, he needs to be dumped. There’s no fixing a guy like that, and it’s more common than you might think. [Read: 20 unique ways to maintain an erection for longer periods of time]
#6 What she does to fix the issue. If it’s a question of sex getting stale, routine or boring, try something new to spice things up. This can be anything as long as it’s hot and it’s different: role play, dress up, dirty talk, public sex, bondage, phone sex, anything that can help you see each other with fresh eyes.
#7 Men’s intimacy needs. Sex in a relationship is as important to men as it is to women. Guys have the same need for intimacy as women do, they just don’t always show it in the same ways. Lots of guys try to keep up a manly or macho front, but most of them like cuddling whether they admit it or not.
Society in general tends to misunderstand both male and female sexuality. People tend to think that guys are hornier or have higher sex drives than women. It’s easy to see where this misconception comes from: Guys are turned on much faster than women are and can go from zero on the horniness scale up to ready-for-sex in a matter of seconds.
Women take much longer, but this doesn’t mean they have lower sex drives, just that they need someone who knows how to turn them on properly. In fact, since guys pretty much lose all desire the instant they orgasm, it could be argued that women have a higher sex drive than men, as most can keep going after they come.
#8 An emotional connection with his partner. The relationships with the deepest emotional connections are those where sex is enjoyed by both partners, and where both partners care about the comfort and pleasure of the other. Too many guys neglect a woman’s pleasure due to a selfish outlook on what sex means to their relationship. Women who have a man like this need to make it clear that they have needs too. If he can’t meet them, then she should leave him and find someone who will.
#9 If he’s pleasuring his partner. Most guys do want to please. They want the deep emotional connection and the sense of intimacy. If they aren’t providing the pleasure that a woman needs, it is more likely because they don’t know how to do it, than that they don’t want to. Establishing good communication around sex and intimacy is important in any relationship. It will mean better sex in the present and in the future. [Read: 14 easy tips to get your partner to communicate their sexual needs]
Men really aren’t so much different from women, despite what many people assume. Men want intimacy, emotional connection and pleasure from sex. They have the same fears as well. Will they measure up and please her? Will she be turned off by some part of his body, or body hair, or genitals, or anything else? Will he stay hard and last long enough?
It is important for anyone in a relationship – men or women – to be caring and understanding. Communication is the key, both for ensuring that everyone is comfortable, and for heightening the pleasure for both partners. Men have easily-bruised egos, so women should approach the topic gingerly. But if two people can’t talk about sex as a couple, they will inevitably have a bad sex life. And it really doesn’t have to go that way.
A couple should have a mutual interest in communicating and being open about sex. They have the same needs, so there’s no reason that they can’t be met. Though most men have issues about sex, finding a partner who can address these issues and reassure the man’s mind can be enough to eliminate these issues.
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I'm a freelance writer dividing my time between the beaches of Thailand and my hometown of Chicago....