You’re not the only one who thought they connected with a guy during sex. Then they magically disappear, leaving you wondering why do guys distance themselves after intimacy.
And this isn’t the first time. If anything, this is one of the most common questions women ask about men. And it makes complete sense. I mean, come on, why the fuck would you do that? Assholes.
Okay, okay, name-calling isn’t going to get us anywhere. What we need are answers! We usually end up looking at ourselves and what we did wrong. Did I let out a tiny fart? Was I too aggressive? Was the sex bad?
[Read: Dos and don’ts of after-sex etiquette]
Before we get into why guys distance themselves after intimacy, we need to look at our own behavior. It isn’t that we did something to drive him away. But, naturally, women respond differently after sex than guys do. It is biological if you can believe that.
In fact, Dr. Aseem Logani, a sexologist, explains this through hormones. When having sex, women release oxytocin which triggers bonding and leads to deeper emotions. But, men release dopamine which is more about physical pleasure than emotions.
This doesn’t mean that men can’t have feelings for you after being intimate, but it does mean that you naturally respond differently after intimacy. It doesn’t mean you did something wrong or that he doesn’t like you.
[Read: 19 subtle signs he really likes you even if he’s hiding his feelings]
First of all, stop assuming it’s only because of you. It’s not. But what we do know is that the guy has gone completely silent. He’s not writing you. When you text him, he takes hours to reply. It’s almost as if he doesn’t exist. Oh, but you know he exists, he’s around… breathing.
So, we’re going to let you in on why he’s not obsessed with you after your amazing night together. Ugh, though we love having sex, it sure can ruin everything. Here’s why.
People love flirting with each other and playing games, even though all of us have said at one point, “I hate playing games.” At the end of the day, we love it. We love being chased, and they love to do the chasing.
But now that you’ve slept with him, the chase is over. He was curious about you. You were mysterious. Now you aren’t. It sucks, but this can come down to a man being a man. That doesn’t make it right, but it is true.
So, what’s he doing? Continuing onto the next chase. That’s right, it’s sad, and what ends up happening? You start chasing them. [Read: Why do men like a chase and how to use this in your favor]
It’s not actually you that’s the problem. The problem is that he sees that this is not just a fling but something that could become serious. He doesn’t want serious. It’s not because you’re not right for him. It’s because he’s not ready.
You probably have heard him say to you, “I’m not ready for anything serious,” but, knowing you, you chose to ignore it and see if you were the exception. Well, you’re not, and that’s why he’s distancing himself. Again, this is brutal, but it happens. [Read: Why do guys only want to hook up with you?]
We know this one will sting, but sometimes, guys are specifically looking for a one-night stand. Now, of course, the right thing to do would be to tell you this, but in some cases, they don’t because they know you wouldn’t sleep with them otherwise.
Yes, this is seriously messed up. It is disrespectful and mean. And you are left feeling used and even ashamed, which you shouldn’t, by the way. But this guy is a player. He wasn’t planning on anything more with you than just that night and that night only. [Read: 17 sordid signs you’re just a hookup to him and nothing more]
Now that you slept with him, you’re already making him breakfast in bed and planning your weekend together. This can be a lot for him, especially after sex when his hormones tell him to pull away.
If you’re already planning your future with him after one night, he’s gonna run, and he’s gonna run fast.
You need to slow it down and go with the flow for now. Enjoy the time you are sharing together and get to know him. You don’t need to have a full-on commitment as soon as you make the bed. [Read: How to stop yourself from moving too fast in a new relationship]
Okay, so maybe you’re not acting clingy now, but he can sense the potential for you to be a clinger. This may not make sense to you, but he has probably dealt with it before and maybe projecting. It isn’t fair, but it happens.
We know you really like him and want something serious, but clinging to him like he’s a life raft isn’t going to work. Not to mention, you may not like him as much as you think you do.
Odds are you don’t actually know him that well. Sex can make you feel closer to him. So, take a step back get to know him.
Men are terrified of love. Most women believe this, and we can’t say it’s not partly true.
The minute they see the potential for them to like you, they run away. They don’t want to get hurt, nor do they want to lose their single life. Plus, having serious feelings for someone is a big deal. So, if you’re aware he has feelings for you and acts distant, he’s terrified. [Read: The signs he likes you and wants a relationship but is terrified]
Okay, so now that you know why he’s pulling away, you need to figure out how you’re going to get him back. Don’t worry. It’s not over until it’s over. So, you still have a chance to redeem yourself. You’re probably freaking out right now, but don’t be because this situation is completely normal.
We know what you’re thinking, that you don’t want to do this because you’re worried he’ll find someone else or forget about you.
Listen, obsessing over him and stalking him clearly isn’t working, so you need to give him space. If you give him the space he needs, he’ll be able to think about things, clear his head and calm down. Giving him space shows him that you’re able to give him space when needed.
Don’t reach out. If he likes you, he will reach out. Have confidence in that. If he makes you wait too long, don’t let him preoccupy your thoughts. Move on. [Read: How to give him space without losing him]
In your head, you are freaking out. That is to be expected. But, on the surface, you need to be as cool as a cucumber. Don’t show him he got to you. This sucks, but letting him know how much this sucks won’t help, at least not now.
Let him come to you. Be relaxed. Find a hobby to occupy your time. When he does reach out, though, don’t let him just get away with it, or else he will make this temporary ghosting a normal thing. [Read: Guys who ghost and come back – How to handle the zombies of dating]
Right now, he’s freaking out because he thinks it’s the end of him as a single man. Whatever that means. But what you need to do is show him that you don’t need him.
You’re an independent woman, right? So, be that woman. Go out with your friends, live your life as usual and show him that you’re fine on your own.
By giving him space, he’ll have time to relax and think things through clearly. Now, you want him to come back to you. Well, make him chase you. Let him come to you asking for a commitment rather than the other way around.
By showing him you don’t need him and leaving him alone, he’ll see how much of a mistake he’s making. [Read: 15 ways to get a guy to chase you and fall hard for you]
When he comes back to you, don’t be rude and closed off. You want him back, right? So, you need to be open and communicative.
Let him know how him backing off made you feel and that you get why he did it if he explains, but it isn’t something he should get used to.
Allow him to talk to you about his emotions and what he’s thinking. With this information, you understand his fears and see what made him freak out. That way, you’ll be able to prevent this from happening again.
[Read: 11 post-sex rules and rituals everyone should follow]
Once you understand the type of guy he is, you’ll understand why do guys distance themselves after intimacy. He could be a player, or he could have feelings for you. You just need to figure that out.
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