Being demisexual can be difficult to explain in a world so focused on sex. This is how this sexuality works and how you can connect with someone.
If you’ve never heard of the sexuality of demisexual, you’re not alone. I wasn’t aware of this type of sexuality for a very long time. The truth is, there is so much about sexuality that we have yet to learn. It can be really confusing knowing all the different types.
Demisexuals in particular are there own kind of unique. Often times, those who are demisexual don’t realize it. Many think they’re actually asexual for a very long time. It’s a thin line between the two of them.
What is demisexual
If you’ve made it this far and are clueless as to what being demisexual is, I’ll explain it the best way I can. This is basically when someone never feels a sexual desire for a person unless they connect with them deeply on an emotional level. That means people who are demisexual oftentimes don’t lust for people often. They don’t feel a sexual desire for someone just based on their appearance alone. [Read: Emotional intimacy Vs. sexual intimacy – which comes first?]
Discovering your sexuality can be harder than you realize
For many of us, we only really knew of a few sexualities growing up. There was straight, bisexual, or gay and lesbian. As it turns out, there are far more sexual orientations than just those.
That’s why it can be extra hard to figure out just where you fall. For those with a particularly unique sexuality, it can be even more difficult. Among those is demisexual. Although this sexuality is becoming more and more known and accepted, it’s still very confusing to most – even if they identify this way. [Read: Definition of queer – What does it really mean?]
How do demisexuals feel lust
As I mentioned before, demisexuals don’t feel sexual desire for people based on how they look. Sure, they recognize when someone is really attractive and good-looking, but they don’t want to hop into bed with them.
The way this sexuality works is based on emotional intimacy and connection. They have to know you very well and like you deeply as a person. Only then can they feel sexually aroused by someone.
Keep in mind, however, that there are different spectrums on which being demisexual works and those who identify this way may experience different things. [Read: Lust or love? How to tell the difference]
How to connect with a demisexual deeply
If you really like someone who is demisexual, you’ll want to know how to connect with them deeply. In order to further your relationship, here are some tips for getting to know them on a deeper level.
#1 Become friends with them first. This is the absolute most important thing you can do if you want to connect with someone who’s demisexual. They don’t go from meeting a stranger right into a relationship with them. You have to be friends first.
Most – if not all – relationships with demisexuals start off as friendships. They need to be friends with you and get to enjoy your company platonically before they can start to see you as more. So aim to be friends first – nothing more. [Read: How to be friends and have a perfectly platonic relationship]
#2 Show them who you truly are on a deep level. If you’re not the type who can really open up and be yourself around people, it’ll be hard to connect with someone who’s demisexual. They can’t think of you romantically unless they know you.
They can’t form a bond with someone they know nothing about. For that reason, you need to open up. Show them who you are on a deeper level. Tell them your secrets and your deepest desires. Get raw and real with them.
#3 Ask them meaningful life questions. At the same time, you have to get to know them deeply too. If you only ask shallow questions, you’ll never know each other.
So make sure you ask them personal questions. They need to be meaningful and life-oriented. Dig deep and figure out what makes them tick. [Read: 30 deep questions to ask someone]
#4 Turn on the romance. Romance is definitely something a person who is demisexual can relate to. They may not want to strip off your clothes at first, but if you turn up the romance, they’ll start to see you more intimately.
Romance helps to show your interest and make them see that you care. The best part about romance is that you can do it in a non-sexual way. [Read: How to be subtly romantic]
#5 Show your commitment. If you’re really into this person, show them how much. Be there for them as a friend and have their back. Support them and build them up. This type of commitment will help forge a stronger bond between you two and that’s exactly what someone who is demisexual needs to feel attraction.
#6 Take things slow and have patience. This is a huge takeaway here. If you want to build a connection with a demisexual, you have to do it slowly. You need to be patient. It can take a long time for someone to get to know you deeply and to feel that emotional attraction.
Be patient and remember that it can take some time. It may be frustrating if you really, really like this person, but if you want to be with them you have to slow it down. [Read: How to take things slow in a relationship]
#7 Never push the physical intimacy. This should be a no-brainer, but it needs to be said. If someone doesn’t want to get physically intimate with you, don’t push it. They might not want to at that moment, but could eventually. However, if you push the topic and try too soon, it could ruin things for you. Let them make the moves.
#8 Be open minded about how they feel. If you’re not demisexual, it can be very hard to understand where they’re coming from. You don’t feel the way they do, but that’s okay. As long as you’re open-minded and can be empathetic, they’ll see that. Try your best to understand how they feel and be respectful of that.
#9 Communicate with them openly. Communication is a huge part of connecting with someone whose demisexual. Without it, you won’t ever get there. Keep talking with them and telling them how you feel. Talk about life with them. Communicate everything you can.
When you have that open line of communication, they’ll also feel more comfortable with you. And when there’s a level of comfort, there’s a level of emotional intimacy. Make sure they have the ability to talk openly with you. [Read: Your guide for effective and open communication]
#10 Remember that it’s not the same for them. You may have a serious physical attraction to someone who’s demisexual and might not be able to understand why they don’t feel the same. It has nothing to do with the way you look. It has nothing to do with the fact that they don’t think you’re attractive.
Remember that it’s not the same for them. They just can’t physically feel turned on by you unless they feel an emotional attraction first. If that connection is there, then they can start thinking about you sexually.