If you’ve never heard of demisexuality, you’re not alone. Many people are unaware of this sexuality, and there’s nothing wrong with asking questions to educate yourself. The truth is, there is so much about sexuality that we have yet to learn. It can be really confusing knowing all the different types.
Demisexuality is different from many other sexualities, in that it involves aspects of asexuality. Oftentimes, those who are demisexual don’t realize it; they may think they’re asexual.
However, asexuality is a spectrum. So it’s a thin line between demisexuality and asexuality, even if they share some features.
[Read: Dating, relationship & sexual bases: 11 common terms & their meaning]
What is demisexuality?
If you’re still clueless as to what being demisexual is, this article will provide you with the basic information.
The term demisexuality describes someone who only feels sexual desire for a partner when they connect with them deeply on an emotional level.
That means people who are demisexual don’t often feel lust. They don’t feel sexual desire for someone just based on their appearance alone. [Read: Emotional intimacy vs. sexual intimacy – which comes first?]
Discovering your sexuality can be harder than you think
Many of us only really knew of a few sexualities growing up: there was straight, bisexual, gay or lesbian. However, it turns out there are far more sexual orientations than just those.
That’s why it can be hard to figure out just where you fall. For those with a particularly unique sexuality, it can be even more difficult. Among those is demisexuality. Although this sexuality is becoming more widely known and accepted, it’s still very confusing to most – even if they identify this way. [Read: Definition of queer – What does it really mean?]
Signs you might be demisexual
It’s okay to be confused and question your own identity. You don’t even have to label yourself if you’re not comfortable, but if you’re suspecting that you may be demisexual, it’s not difficult to find out.
There are many online tests that can help you identify yourself. However, if you want to keep things simple, you can just ask yourself these questions instead!
[Read: Coming out of the closet: 20 steps to open the door to a new life]
1. Who are you sexually attracted to?
Think about the people you’re sexually attracted to. How do these people make you feel? What do you think they all have in common? If most of them are just strangers you don’t know personally – and you’re okay with having casual sex with them – you’re probably not demisexual.
Demisexuality means you won’t feel sexual attraction to someone you just met. But if you’ve only ever been sexually attracted to people you’ve emotionally connected with, you might be demisexual.
[Read: In a relationship but sexually attracted to someone else – Why it happens]
2. Do you feel sexual attraction?
How frequently? How strong is the feeling? Contrary to asexuality, people who are demisexuals may feel some sexual attraction – but only after a deep emotional connection has been formed. [Read: How to read the signs your girlfriend isn’t sexually attracted to you]
3. How important is sexual attraction in determining who you want to date?
“Demi” means half, so a demisexual can be half asexual and half allosexual. So if you’re demisexual, sexual attraction won’t be the factor that governs your dating life.
However, demisexuals aren’t just afraid of sex, nor do they have a low sex drive. When you’re in a sexual relationship with someone, your levels of sex drive may vary. [Read: 27 signs a woman is attracted to you sexually & wants to get closer]
4. Do you feel sexual attraction to people you don’t know?
Demisexuals don’t feel an initial sexual attraction to strangers or new people they meet. Forming an emotional bond doesn’t guarantee that sexual attraction will develop, but a close emotional bond is necessary for this to happen. [Read: Danger, danger! You’re suddenly sexually attracted to a friend?!]
How do demisexuals feel lust?
How does demisexuality work with sexual feelings?
As mentioned before, people who identify as demisexual don’t feel sexual desire for people based on how they look. Sure, they recognize when someone is really attractive and good-looking, but they don’t want to hop into bed with them.
This sexuality works around emotional intimacy and connection. A demisexual has to know somebody very well and like them deeply as a person. Only then can they feel sexually aroused by them.
Keep in mind, however, that there are different spectrums on which demisexuality works, and those who identify this way may experience different things. [Read: Lust or love? How to tell the difference]
The opposite of demisexuality: fraysexuality
So, you may wonder, what is the opposite of demisexuality? Well, it’s fraysexuality. This term refers to people who feel sexually attracted to those they don’t know very well.
This primary sexual attraction tends to decrease as time goes on, and they learn more about this person.
One thing fraysexuality and demisexuality have in common is that they both fall along the asexual spectrum; they both describe a lack of sexual attraction in certain circumstances.
A fraysexual may lose their desire to engage in sexual activities with someone once they’ve got to know the person more. However, this does not mean they’ll lose romantic interest as well.
Demisexual flag
The demisexual pride flag is an adaptation of the asexual flag. It has a black triangle on the left side, pointing inward towards the center, with three horizontal stripes that are white, purple, and gray. [Read: How to tell if someone is asexual: 5 hints they’re not into sex]
How to connect with a demisexual
If you really like someone who is demisexual, you’ll want to know how to connect with them deeply. In order to further your relationship, here are some tips for getting to know them on a deeper level. [Read: 22 second date tips & rules to get to know each other & fall harder]
1. Become friends with them first
This is the absolute most important thing you can do if you want to connect with someone who’s demisexual. They don’t go from meeting a stranger right into a relationship with them.
As we discussed earlier, their sexual attraction or interest in sex is only secondary— the type of attraction that happens after knowing someone for a while. You have to have developed a close friendship first.
Most – if not all – relationships with demisexuals start off as friendships. They need to be friends with you and get to enjoy your company platonically, before they can start to see you as more. So aim to be friends first – nothing more. [Read: How to be friends and have a perfectly platonic relationship]
2. Show them who you truly are on a deep level
If you’re not the type who can really open up and be yourself around people, it’ll be hard to connect with someone who’s demisexual. They can’t think of you romantically unless they know you.
They can’t form a bond with someone they know nothing about. For that reason, you need to open up. Show them who you are on a deeper level. Tell them your secrets and your deepest desires. Get raw and real with them. [Read: 18 ways to get to know a guy better before you decide to date him]
3. Ask them meaningful life questions
At the same time, you have to get to know them deeply too. If you only ask shallow questions, you’ll never know each other.
So make sure you ask them personal questions. They need to be meaningful and life-oriented. Dig deep and figure out what makes them tick. [Read: 30 deep questions to ask someone]
Romance is definitely something a person who is demisexual can relate to. They may not want to rip your clothes off immediately, but if you turn up the romance, they’ll start to see you more intimately.
Romance helps to show your interest and make them see that you care. The best part about romance is that you can do it in a non-sexual way. [Read: How to be subtly romantic]
5. Show your commitment
If you’re really into this person, show them how much. Be there for them as a friend and have their back. Support them and build them up. This type of commitment will help forge a stronger bond between you two – and that’s exactly what a demisexual person needs to feel attraction.
[Read: Fear of commitment – 47 signs, whys & ways to get over your phobia]
6. Take things slow and have patience
This is a huge takeaway here. If you want to build a connection with a demisexual, you have to do it slowly. You need to be patient. It can take a long time for someone to get to know you deeply and to feel that emotional attraction.
Be patient and remember that it can take some time. It may be frustrating if you really, really like this person, but if you want to be with them, you have to slow it down. [Read: How to take things slow in a relationship]
7. Never push the physical intimacy
This should be a no-brainer, but it needs to be said. If someone doesn’t want to get physically intimate with you, don’t push it. They might not want to at that moment, but could eventually. However, if you push the topic and try too soon, it could ruin things for you. Let them make the moves.
[Read: Types of touches – The 36 physical touches we use & what they mean]
8. Be open-minded about how they feel
If you’re not demisexual, it can be very hard to understand where they’re coming from. You don’t feel the way they do, but that’s okay. As long as you’re open-minded and can be empathetic, they’ll see that. Try your best to understand how they feel and be respectful of that.
[Read: 12 stages of physical intimacy as you go from strangers to lovers]
9. Communicate with them openly
Communication is a huge part of connecting with someone who is demisexual. Without it, you won’t ever get there. Keep talking with them and telling them how you feel. Talk about life with them. Communicate everything you can.
When you have that open line of communication, they’ll also feel more comfortable with you. And when there’s a level of comfort, there’s a level of emotional intimacy. Make sure they have the ability to talk openly with you. [Read: Your guide for effective and open communication]
10. Remember that it’s not the same for them
You may have a serious physical attraction to someone who’s demisexual, and might not be able to understand why they don’t feel the same. It has nothing to do with the way you look. It has nothing to do with whether they think you’re attractive.
Remember that it’s not the same for them. They just can’t physically feel turned on by you unless they feel an emotional attraction first. If that connection is there, then they can start thinking about you sexually.
[Read: 8 ways to build an emotional connection with someone you like]
Demisexuality FAQs
Now that you know the basics of demisexuality, have a look at these frequently asked questions!
1. What is the difference between demisexual and graysexual?
Some people think these two sexualities are the same, but they’re quite different. While demisexuals only experience sexual attraction after they formed a strong emotional connection with someone, graysexuals experience this some of the time, and sometimes not at all.
Their sexual attraction level could fall anywhere from “only sometimes” to “only enjoying sex with someone in specific circumstances.”
So, you can say that anyone who is demisexual is graysexual, but not everyone who’s graysexual is demisexual. [Read: Romantic orientation – The most common ones all of us must know]
2. What does it mean to be demiromantic?
Maybe you’ve come across the term “demiromantic”, but don’t know what it means. Well, a demiromantic person only develops romantic feelings for another person once they’ve made a strong emotional connection.
If you are demiromantic, you may have a hard time falling in love, and you’ve never had a crush on someone you barely know. [Read: List of sexualities – 15 gender orientations you need to know about]
3. What’s the difference between demisexual and pansexual?
In order to know the answer, you must first know what pansexuality is: it’s when someone feels sexually attracted to anyone regardless of gender.
Panromantic is when a person forms a romantic relationship with someone regardless of gender. Pan people don’t need an emotional bond to feel sexual attraction like demisexuals do.
[Read: Pansexual vs. Bisexual – All the ways to tell the real difference]
4. Can you be a straight demisexual?
Yes, of course, you can! Demisexuals can be straight, gay, bisexual, or pansexual, and may have any gender identity.
5. Why does demisexuality need a label?
So if you can be anything, why do you need a label? Well, having a label provides demisexuals with a community of people with who they can relate and identify with.
Asexual communities and websites like Demisexuality Resource Center help them feel more secure and realize they are not alone.
6. What are the misconceptions about demisexuality?
There are several misconceptions about demisexuality. The five most damaging misconceptions are that they are sex-averse, demisexuality is the same as celibacy, it’s a response to sexual trauma, demisexuals are afraid of intimacy, and that they never have sex.
7. How can I be supportive of demisexuals in my life?
You can show support to demisexuals in your life by reading and sharing information *such as this article*, to help yourself and others learn more about demisexuality. You can also talk to the demisexuals you know, and encourage them to share their life stories so you can understand them better.
It’s important to understand that they don’t have to “come out” unless they want to. After all, it is their choice. If you truly care about someone, the sexual orientation they identify with should not matter.
If the person you’re into is demisexual, you can’t just rush into things. With these tips, we hope you can understand them better and work toward being with them at their speed.
