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Graysexuality: What Graysexual Means, How It Feels & 36 Truths to Know One

Graysexuality is a confusing area between sexual attraction and being asexual. But where do graysexual people fall under the umbrella of the sexual and asexual spectrum?

Graysexuality - greysexual

As we become more and more educated on the different types of sexualities, we’re learning that there are far more out there than we thought. For example, graysexuality is one that you may not have heard of before today.

If you’re struggling to identify with a sexuality, you’re not alone. Even with everything we know today, there are many who still feel lost when it comes to their sexualities. They don’t feel like they connect to anyone, and it can feel frustrating at times.

For instance, you may have experienced a time when the idea of sex held no appeal. In those moments, the idea of rolling around in bed with someone else made you feel indifferent – or even exhausted at the thought of having to exert that much effort!

Don’t worry. It happens for a lot of reasons, but there is a minority that feels that this is how they will always see sex – the graysexual or gray asexual.

Let’s learn more about graysexuality and what it means to be a graysexual. We’ll also talk about the common graysexual characteristics. [Read: List of sexualities – 15 gender orientations you need to know about]

What does being graysexual mean?

Most people nowadays believe that sexuality is not a box to be ticked, but a spectrum of different preferences and identities. Rather than saying that there are X kinds of sexual orientations, we say that there are different types of people who have different preferences.

Still, there are times when one needs to label their sexual predisposition in order to discover their identity.

In a simple world, there are two types of sexual predispositions: people who are asexual and sexual. However, there is one more that needs more recognition, because they’re not built for any of those two groups.

They have their own sense of identification and they choose to call themselves gray asexual, graysexual, or gray-a. This term refers to the gray area between experiencing and not having experiences of sexual attraction.

Graysexuality falls under the umbrella of asexual identity, within the gray area between asexuality and having sexual interest. [Read: Pansexual vs bisexual – All the ways to tell the real difference20 Sexually Enlightening Movies All about Sexuality]

What’s the difference between graysexuality and asexuality?

Before you can understand what being graysexual means, let’s take a look at what people who identify as asexual mean.

Asexual people generally experience little to no sexual attraction to other people. When they finally do feel sexually attracted to someone or something, it’s either a passing feeling or one that doesn’t incite any physical reactions.

When it comes to gray asexuality, people who identify with graysexuality tend to border between feeling sexual attraction to others and returning to their asexual tendencies. Here are some of their identifiers:

1. They might experience sexual attraction, but not as often as sexual people

2. They don’t feel like acting on their sexual attraction

3. They are confused about their feelings of infrequent sexual attraction

4. They don’t feel that sexuality is a meaningful concept to them [Read: Sex myths – 15 commonly accepted sex ‘facts’ that are so wrong]

Myths and misconceptions about graysexuality

As with anything in life that people don’t fully understand, there are myths and misconceptions floating around.

The truth is, if someone tells you they identify as graysexual, it’s not your business to understand or not; it’s your business to simply accept it. However, if you’re feeling that you might be gray asexual, busting these myths is important. [Read: 20 hugely false dating myths you need to banish from your mind]

A few of the most common ones include:

1. They just haven’t found the right person yet, and they’ll feel differently when they do

2. They’re going through a phase

3. They just can’t enjoy sex

4. They just have a low libido

All of these lines about graysexuality are completely false. This isn’t a phase, it’s part of that person’s identity and personality. It also has nothing to do with having not met a particular person yet. [Read: The 12 most common bisexual stereotypes we need to get rid of ASAP]

When it comes to libido and the ability to enjoy sex, that’s a total misconception too.

These types of myths are things which people throw out when they’re not sure of something or they can’t identify with it themselves. Lines such as this are best ignored.

Are you graysexual?

If you’re wondering what it means to identify as graysexual under the umbrella of asexuality, we might be able to help. Here are common qualities of those who are gray asexual. Maybe they’ll describe you perfectly.

1. You don’t feel sexual desire for either sex

Being a graysexual person means you fall under the asexual umbrella. An asexual is someone who doesn’t desire sex. [Read: Don’t want to have sex? the honest reasons and what you need to know]

If you feel the need to be close to someone and be emotionally intimate without being sexual, or the sexual attraction isn’t strong enough to act on, you fall under this category.

2. But occasionally you feel aroused

However, you may feel sexual arousal at times. It can feel as though a switch has been flipped on only on certain days. There’s really no rhyme or reason to it.

Feeling aroused may also come during very specific times if a person who identifies as graysexual. You may also not be sure if you really feel sexual arousal or if what you’re feeling is indeed sexual desire. [Read: Asexual people in the dating world – How does it work?]

3. You enjoy sex, but only under certain circumstances

Fact: Many graysexual people can enjoy sex without being sexually attracted.

If you’re very, very selective about your sexual desires, then you could be described as graysexual. If there are very strict circumstances in which you experience sexual attraction and want to have sex, then this sexuality may describe how you’re feeling.

There are also times when people who are graysexual are in a relationship and want to please their partner, so they would still engage in sexual activities.

Someone who identifies as graysexual might experience romantic attraction infrequently too but only after a strong emotional connection is formed.

4. You don’t relate to asexuality completely

By now you know that asexual is when you don’t have any sexual desires at all. Sex has no meaning or appeal to you. However, it you don’t completely relate to the other characteristics of asexuality, you could be graysexual.

You may be on the asexual spectrum, but not be asexual. [Read: 18 signs you’re asexual and don’t like getting laid as much as others]

5. Your sexual desires are fluid, with no real reason for it

One day you could be very attracted to someone sexually and feel absolutely nothing the next. This is called being fluid within the asexual umbrella.

Your sexual desire ebbs and flows and you can’t control it. Your orientation can shift over time, too, say from being graysexual and demisexual. This can also feel like your libido is shifting, but it’s not the same. [Read: Aromantic asexual – What it is and traits and challenges of this sexual identity]

6. It’s hard for you to pinpoint your sexual desires

Do you sometimes feel sexually aroused but have no idea why? If it’s really hard for you to pinpoint what turns you on and what makes you want sex, you could be graysexual.

Often, those who describe themselves as graysexual will never be able to say what gets them going. This is because they can’t even tell themselves!

If one thing that makes you desire sex last week is doing nothing for you this week, it might just be because you’re graysexual. [Read: Sexually fluid – What does it mean in the dating world?]

7. You can relate to more than one sexuality

Maybe you think you fall under multiple sexualities. That’s definitely a possibility. When you feel as though you can relate to multiple sexualities but not just one completely, you might be graysexual.

Things to remember if you feel lost in your sexuality

It can be easy to get lost in the hype of knowing what your sexuality is. If you’re questioning yours, here are some important things to remember. [Read: How to know if you’re actually gay]

1. You’re not alone

There are many people out there who feel exactly the same way you do. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Not knowing your sexuality doesn’t mean you’re out there by yourself floating between all the other sexualities. In fact, you’re in your own category altogether.

Never think that you’re alone in feeling the way you do. There are always people out there who can relate and who feel the same way.

Never forget that no matter what, you’ll never be by yourself in how you feel. In fact, you can connect with other graysexual people through online forums and any local space dedicated to the asexual community, if you have one. [Read: Panromantic asexual and what you need to know]

2. Your sexuality is valid – no matter what

Even if you never find a category that you can “properly” use to describe how you feel, just know that your desires are valid. There are no right or wrong answers in terms of identity and you are still just as important as anyone else who fits neatly into a category.

Whatever your sexuality is, it’s valid – even if you never find a perfect term for it – and it’s just as real as any other.

3. It’s okay if you don’t know how you feel

There are plenty of people out there who don’t know exactly how they feel. They’re not sure who they like or what they desire. And that’s completely okay.

You never have to know exactly what it is you need. As long as you’re happy with your life, it doesn’t matter. [Read: Sense of self – 26 steps to raise it and feel like a million bucks]

How graysexuality works in relationships

Dating a gray asexual isn’t much different from dating someone asexual or sexual. You go out, get to know each other, meet each other’s friends and family – you know, regular stuff. Just because a person identifies as gray asexual does not mean that they do things differently outside the bedroom.

The only difference is that sex may or may not be on the table as often as the other partner would like. When they’re in a relationship, graysexuals will have to discuss their current views with their partner. It is important that they tell their partner what to expect and how they can compromise.

Sex is not necessarily off the table, especially when a gray asexual person willingly chooses to date a sexual person. There’s just more emphasis on the conversation surrounding sex, because one person might need it more than the other.

And the main thing about gray asexuals is that they are more adaptable than asexual people because they don’t identify with asexuality so strongly. Some of them may refuse to have sex forever, but some may decide that they are willing enough to do it for the person with whom they want to be in a relationship. [Read: Pansexual confessions: What is it like to be one?]

The following points are also true:

1. Graysexual and asexual people may enjoy sex with their partner for the bonding and physical stimulation

2. Graysexual people may also decide to have sex because they want to have children

3. Graysexual people can also be attracted to others romantically, but not sexually

4. It is possible for graysexual people to have romantic relationships with one another, or with someone who is sexual [Read: Dating, relationships, and sexual bases]

As a society, we’re so keen to put labels on everything but for graysexual people, it’s not so easy. However, who said it had to be so clear cut?

What happens when gray asexuals refuse to have sex?

If a sexual person chooses to date someone who is asexual or graysexual, they need to understand that sex may not ever be on the table. If that is the case, they’ll have to accept that or discuss an arrangement that might work.

Some people are willing to be polyamorous these days, so that may be a solution.

The most important thing to remember is that YOU SHOULD NEVER FORCE THEM INTO SEX.

Do not guilt them. Do not coerce them. Do not emotionally blackmail them.

They may be toeing the line between asexuality and sexuality, but the choice of sleeping with another person still falls on them. [Read: How to show respect in a relationship and love each other better]

The same goes for gray asexuals who want their sexual partner to give up sex altogether. The choice has to be made by their sexual partner. Some sexual people are capable of giving up their sex life, but graysexual partners must allow them to make their own choices.

Some gray asexual people prefer dating asexual or graysexual people, since it gives them the freedom to not have to compromise when it comes to sex. Whichever path a person chooses, there needs to be communication of needs and limits. [Read: How to build trust in a relationship and make it last]

How to discuss your sexuality with your partner

It’s no easy feat to explain something that you don’t quite understand yourself. Just tell your partner what you know at this point. Here are some tips to remember if you are graysexual and your partner isn’t.

1. Explain to your partner what asexuality means

This is the best place to start. There is no way to side-step that fact. Tell your partner why you identify with being gray asexual as a starting point.

2. Give them some time to take everything on board

Some people can’t handle this type of information in one sitting. If your partner needs it, give them some time to think about what you’ve just told them. Give them some resources to read if you think it will help. [Read: How to have a difficult conversation without losing your nerve]

3. Ask them how they feel about it

Once they’re ready to talk about it again, you need to consider their feelings on the matter. This revelation is not just about you, it’s about the two of you and your relationship.

4. Explain what you’re willing to give in case the relationship becomes serious

By now, you’ll know what it is that you’re expecting out of the relationship. Let your partner know and allow them to process it. [Read: Compromise in relationships: 12 tips to give without losing]

5. Ask what they’re willing to compromise on

Sex is usually the main point of discussion, and it helps to give each other time. Talk about it as much as you can until you can finally come to an understanding.

6. Consider your options

No matter what your partner decides, you need to be ready. At this point, you need to discuss how you and your partner will proceed in the relationship.

Tips to remember if you are sexual and your partner is gray asexual

It can be difficult for someone to admit that they are different from most people.

You may not agree with their views or choices, but you have to exhibit sensitivity and tact during times like these. You should expect the same from your partner as well. [Read: 20 sexual problems in a relationship you can avoid]

1. Ask them everything you need to know

Some sexual people will feel blindsided when they find out that their partner is asexual. Asking about all the things you need to know will lessen the impact of discovering an extremely different way of life.

2. Don’t make assumptions based on what you’ve heard about asexuality

“They hate sex,” “They just don’t want to see penises or vaginas,” etc. There are many misconceptions about asexual people, and it doesn’t help when you believe them before hearing your partner’s side.

3. Listen to your partner before making any remarks

The idea of not having sex can be very alarming for some people, so try not to yell, “What?!” when your partner tells you about it. [Read: 10 ways to be a better listener in your relationship]

4. If you need more time to think, ask for it

No one can make a huge decision in just one sitting. Tell your partner that you need to think about this some more. Don’t let them assume that you’re breaking up with them, unless that’s what you really want to do.

5. Read up on what it means to be gray asexual

The more you know, the less uninformed things will run through your head.

6. Tell your partner about the things you need in the relationship

You have needs. They have different needs. It’s all about compromise, but it’s very critical that you tell your partner this from the start.

If they can’t give it to you, you have to rethink your views on the matter and see if you can give way. [Read: The 10 most important things in a relationship for it to grow and last]

7. Ask your partner what they need too

Again, this is not just about you. Once you know exactly what your partner needs, you may be able to arrive at an acceptable compromise.

8. Consider your options

Yes to a relationship? No to no sex? Whatever decision you make, do it because you want to, not because you have to.

Focusing on yourself is all you can do

In any situation like this, the only thing you can do is listen to your heart and go with it. Whether you’re the one who identifies as graysexual or you’re dating someone who does, you have to do what’s right for you.

However, it’s equally as important to take the time to understand both sides and come to a compromise you’re both comfortable with.

[Read: How to give space in a relationship and not drift apart]

Now that you know a little bit more about being gray asexual, does this help you understand graysexuals’ dating preferences better? Or your own, if you identify as graysexual yourself? 

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Preeti Tewari Serai
Preeti Serai
Preeti, the founder of LovePanky, is an eternal optimist and believer in the beauty of love and life. With an exhaustive experience in love, relationships, and ...