We’ve all had bad dates. We’ve also all had dates that seemed good in the moment, but it turned out it wasn’t so great for the other person. It leaves us feeling rejected and wondering, am I unlovable?
When rejected, whether from a date, a long-term relationship, or a simple attempt at flirting, it stings. No one likes to feel that they’re not liked by others, especially a romantic someone.
When this happens, one can follow the cliche ‘what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,’ but if you’ve been rejected one time after another, after another, it can be more than difficult to argue with the possibility that something may be wrong with you. [Read: What to do if you’ve been single too long and want to find true love]
Why do I feel unlovable?
When the pain of rejection turns into a pattern, it’s natural to question yourself. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, and I am sure just about everyone except maybe JLo has done it.
Because your last few dates didn’t work out, are you unlovable? Because you’ve been single for a while, are you unlovable? And because it never seems to work out for you, are you unlovable? The answer is, of course not.
But, then why does it feel like that?
It is simple to round up all the dates you’ve ever had and only focus on the bad ones. It is human-nature. We always second-guess ourselves. We are our own worst critics.
And we don’t only feel pain from rejection, but it leads to insecurity in ourselves and our decision-making.
You could have had plenty of lovely dates in the past, but instead of using those as an indication of what could come, you dwell on the bad dates and the heartbreaks.
[Read: Here’s what you need to learn how to stop hating yourself]
The mind games and the internal conversations we have
By allowing yourself to be overwhelmed by insecurity, you self-sabotage your romantic future with someone who could love you. And by believing you are unlovable, you establish a self-fulfilling prophecy.
By getting so down on yourself, you close yourself off to being loved. You are making yourself believe you are undeserving of love which pushes people away.
Becoming defeated by the past only drags down your future. I know it is easy to do. There is a pattern of loneliness or pain and accepting that as how it will be can be easier than continuing to fight for what you deserve.
I’ve been there. I spent years of dating being ghosted, lied to, and cheated on. I hit a point where I figured I just wasn’t cut out for a happy ending. I let those rejections defeat me because it was the only conclusion I could wrap my head around. For I was unlovable.
But, spoiler alert, that was not the case.
[Read: How to build self-confidence – 16 ways to realize you’re worth it]
Am I unlovable?
Although rejection hurts and confuses, it is crucial to remember another cliché, ‘everything happens for a reason.’ If it didn’t work with someone, it wasn’t meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have looked back on relationships I was heartbroken over only to be immensely grateful that I am not with them now.
Do you really want to be with someone who doesn’t like you or want to be with you? Not everyone is meant to be. Not every date will lead to another. Some people just aren’t meant to be, and those flops shouldn’t define your future in relationships. [Read: 20 practical things to consider before giving up on love]
If those relationships that broke me down worked out, I would most definitely be miserable today. Letting myself believe I was unlovable could have led me to settling in a relationship just because it was a relationship, not because I was happy.
Just because you have had some bad luck does not mean you are unlovable. We all have our faults and quirks that some people can’t stand, but when you find the person who loves you, they will love all of you.
An unsuccessful relationship does not mean you are unlovable. You simply haven’t found the right person to love you.
Plus, does it really make sense to let the opinion of a few defeats outweigh the potential you have? Here’s the perfect moment for another cliché – ‘there are plenty of fish in the sea.’ You’re bound to find someone who can prove to you that you’re not just likable, but even better, lovable. [Read: 12 life-changing truths you need to remember when you feel unlovable]
Why you are lovable
Although I have talked about your potential for a future relationship, it is hard to find that without understanding that you are lovable. You can’t accept that you are lovable and come to that conclusion just because you found someone to love you. You must know it on your own.
I let myself quit dating for nearly six years because I thought I was unlovable. But throughout those years I realized I wasn’t the problem. I had had some bad experiences and learned a lot about life, relationships, and myself.
[Read: 16 signs you’re not ready for a real relatoinship]
From rejection not only comes struggle and sadness, but there’s the chance for growth. If you can take each bad date as an opportunity to improve yourself and channel any negative feelings into focus on self-validation, you turn your confidence around.
I knew I was a good person who deserved love but accepted it wasn’t my time.
I stopped constantly questioning myself and what I was doing wrong. Instead I went on dates and knew that if it didn’t work out, it just wasn’t meant to, until one day it did.
But, I didn’t need it to work out for me to know I was lovable. I knew that I was lovable I just needed the right person to know it too. [Read: We accept the love we think we deserve – Why don’t you think you’re worthy?]
The fact is, we are all lovable. It just takes a certain person to see that. Being lovable doesn’t mean everyone loves you. It doesn’t mean you are popular or even likable. Being lovable means you are deserving of love.
No matter how many heartbreaks or rejections you have endured, you deserve love. No matter how beaten down you are or how broken you feel, you deserve love.
Even if you have cheated before or hurt someone else, you still deserve love.
I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but remember there isn’t just one type of love. You don’t need to be in love to feel love. [Read: 20 riddles of love we all experience and the complexities of love]
If you have family that supports you, friends that cheer you up, or even a pet who jumps up to greet you when you get home, you are loved. If you were still asking, “am I lovable?” just look at all those around you.
You already are loved. You just need to be reminded of it every now and again. And one day you will find the romantic love you’ve been fighting for. You just need to find the person that knows it just as well as you do.
[Read: How to be emotionally available so you can actually find love]
Now, stop asking, am I unlovable? Instead, replace it with with the positive, I am lovable, mantra. And always remember that true love begins from within.
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