Whether you’re recently single or single for a long time, I know the feeling and the sense of why does nobody love me. I really truly do. I’m not just saying that. I’ve been cheated on, lied to, and single for more than seven years. When you feel like you’re always the one putting in the effort, it is exhausting and lonely and really plays on your self-esteem.
Not having that companionship or reassurance from someone can be very isolating. Not only do you feel lonely and unloved, but you feel like having hope is useless. You feel like nobody loves you, and it’s your fault. What are you doing wrong?
[Read: Sabotaging your happiness – 12 ways you’re ruining your own life]
Before I get into the nitty-gritty you came here for, I’m going to give you a bit of a talking to. I get you’re down on yourself. I do. Really, I do, and it sucks, but stop having a pity party.
So, you’re single. So what? There are worse things. Of course, your feelings are valid, but with that, you have to be realistic. Maybe you don’t have a romantic partner but you have friends and family. Even if that list is short, one great friend means a lot. Don’t discount the relationships and those who do love you, simply because it isn’t romantic love.
Those relationships are just as important if not more so and that get you through hard times. Those are the people that love you even when you screw up or when you ditch them for your new partner. Before you get so down on yourself, it is even harder to pick yourself up, take time to appreciate those who do love you. And those who have shown you love.
[Read: Good friends are like stars: How to build real, last friendships]
This could be the barista at your local coffee place who remembers your order. Your parents, your siblings, your best friend you don’t talk to for months, but when you hang out it’s like no time has passed. Don’t discredit those forms of love.
I know you are thinking well, duh, but I’m here looking for something else, not a talking to about loving what I do have. But it is important to realize that romantic love isn’t the only kind that is fulfilling. It isn’t the only love that makes you feel wanted and respected and worthy.
Our society has long made people feel like they are unworthy of praise and approval and success without having a partner. But, having no partner is a lot better than having the wrong one. So, until you do find someone to love you that you also love, look to the others in your life. These people will be there through good and bad and you being single or taken.
That love lasts forever and shouldn’t be neglected.
[Read: How to be a good friend and follow these 23 important friend codes all BFFs should]
Now that I’ve said my piece about that, it is time to look inward. When you feel unloved, you want to know why. Is there something wrong? Yes, and no. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that you are perfect and the right person just hasn’t come along yet. I don’t know that. And I don’t know you.
Maybe you are wonderful at communication, but maybe you’re not and struggle to trust people you’re dating. Maybe you shut down when you should talk about things. Yes, no matter your past, you are worthy of love, but that doesn’t mean you can’t change, learn, or grow. [Read: 15 rules that will make you a wonderful partner in a relationship]
The simple fact that you are wondering why nobody loves you and asking if there is something wrong proves that there is something wrong. It doesn’t mean there will always be, but it means you can change.
You have low self-esteem. You do. Don’t deny it. It is so common. Feeling like this is incredibly common. The thing is, it can get better and if you work on it it will.
You just have to let go of the idea that you are the problem and become the solution.
The fact that you say nobody loves you, consistently brings down your confidence. It eats away at you. Why? Because you are letting the love of someone you don’t even know or haven’t met yet, impact you more than the love you have for yourself. [Read: How to love yourself – 15 ways to discover self-love and happiness]
You are letting other people’s feelings and the potential for having a romantic partner take over your happiness. This means that even if you found someone to love you tomorrow, you wouldn’t feel much better.
Temporarily, it would feel like a boost to your ego to know someone loves you. But you would become dependent on their love to feel good about yourself, instead of feeling good about yourself without them.
No, you don’t need to have confidence through the roof to meet someone and have a happy relationship. But you have to know you are worthy of love from within, not because someone chooses to date you. And if the relationship ends, what happens?
You lose yourself entirely. That doesn’t seem like a good resolution to how you’re feeling, does it?
Unless you can fix this feeling from the root, any outward reinforcements won’t help you feel better. [Read: How to focus on yourself – 27 ways to create your own sunshine]
So, why do you feel this way? There are many reasons. You could have been lied to and made to feel foolish. You dive into those feelings and come to the conclusion that you deserved that pain, so now you sit in this belief that you deserve to be alone.
Another reason is that you blame everyone around you. Instead of taking a closer look at yourself and your feelings, you say everyone sucks and there is no one out there. You don’t accept that you have your own things to work on. [Read: How to improve yourself – 16 powerful secrets of self-improvement]
You may also self-sabotage your relationships. This is very common. You may get mad at a friend for something minor like canceling plans. And when they don’t want to talk to you after you lashed out, you claim yourself as not loved.
The worst part of this feeling is that you get used to it. After being single for a long time and feeling like your friends aren’t there for you because you’ve pushed them away *unintentionally or subconsciously*, you become used to this feeling and it becomes a part of you.
[Read: 13 signs of self-loathing and the damage it can cause in your life]
Soon you’re afraid to take a risk with other people and even try to be loved because it hasn’t worked out and you are somewhat comfortable in this lonely space. The thing is, people do care about you. People do love you. But, are you letting them? Are you letting friends and family show you their level of care?
If you meet someone, do you immediately put pressure on them to be perfect or show a level of love that is unrealistic? Something many people with low self-esteem do is test those around them. They do something and test someone’s reaction to see if they really care or care enough. This is manipulative and a form of gaslighting.
[Read: Why do so many girls play games and test guys in the early stages of dating?]It is harmful to your mental health and pushes friends away. Testing a friendship shows a lack of trust. Letting people show you they care in their own way is most effective. But when you want that control so you can feel fulfilled through their actions, you are only pushing people further away.
The same goes for acting needy. Telling friends that no one loves you and that you’ll never meet anyone and you’ll be alone forever pushes them away. It shows that you don’t appreciate them as a friend and their role in your life.
It shows that your focus is on someone that may not exist. It also shows a clinginess that pushes people away. Constantly asking someone to hang out and reaching out non-stop doesn’t make someone want to spend time with you.
Some people with low self-esteem think that if they can convince someone to feel sorry for them, they will feel loved and comforted. But again, that is false and only secure on a surface level. Try to step back and really look at the relationships in your life. People do care about you, you’re just not letting yourself see it.
[Read: How to date when you have low self-esteem and find true happiness]
Feeling loved isn’t usually about how other people are treating you. If it is, you can calmly let them know how you’re feeling and work together so you both feel heard. But, if this feature has opened your eyes to some deeper issues you may not have realized you’re dealing with, feeling loved will come from within.
But, how do you do that? How do you stop feeling like nobody loves you and let them show you the truth? It will take time and patience. But when you can realize that loving yourself is where it begins, you will feel a lot better.
Most of your feelings currently have to do with your past. This could be a past romantic relationship, your childhood, and your parents’ relationship. You may have started believing you weren’t lovable when your parents split up. This takes a lot of personal discovery. But being able to see where these emotions and fears come from, can help you work them out. [Read: How to let go of the past and be excited by the future]
Accept your life for what it is. If you’re single, instead of constantly striving to find someone to love you, change what you can change. Can you get a job that is more personally fulfilling? Can you spend more time volunteering? Yes.
You can’t force someone to love you. But you don’t have to accept you’ll be single forever, simply not making that a priority will let you focus on ways to improve yourself so you can be ready and open when someone comes along. [Read: How to enjoy being single and live the life you really want]
You need to accept that you do not need a partner. Being single isn’t a punishment for anything. You have plenty of relationships to nurture. Take time for those. Those are enough. You do not need a romantic partner to be happy or fulfilled.If you find someone, they should add to your life, not define it. If you feel like nobody loves you, and then you meet someone and it turns your life upside down, odds are it won’t last. When romantic love takes over your life, and you let that define your level of happiness, you are putting your life into someone else’s hands. [Read: How to be independent and in control of your life even when you’re in a relationship]
Loving yourself should be more fulfilling than love from any outside source. Looking in the mirror and saying, I deserve happiness changes your life more than having someone tell you the same thing. Knowing that you are capable of doing better and working for that improvement should be what inspires you, more than finding a partner.
Find a therapist you trust, and work with them on your confidence and your reliance on others for happiness. A professional can guide you through this process and keep you on track. There is no shame in getting help.
[Read: When will I find love? The 20 secrets that will help you find the one]
“Why does nobody love me?” you ask, they do. The pain and uncertainty are real, but you just need to take the time to see the love surrounding you.
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