There are many cases where you can’t run from a narcissist in your life, at least not right now. Maybe your boss is a narcissist, or you have a sibling who shows signs of narcissism. If that’s the case, they’re not that easy to simply ditch. So, it’s your turn. You’re going to have to make the big step and learn how to set boundaries with a narcissist.
We know, it sounds nerve-wracking, but, listen, they’re not changing. So, if you’re tired of them, you’re going to have to put the work in and claim back your sanity. [Read: 23 secrets to set personal boundaries and guide others to respect them]
How to set boundaries with a narcissist
We’ve all probably had a narcissist in our lives at one point or another. If you don’t know at least one… maybe you’re the narcissist *insert horror music here*.
But in all seriousness, knowing one isn’t a fun experience. [Read: Am I a narcissist? 24 narcissistic personality disorder causes and big signs]
Narcissistic people see themselves as above the rest. They think they’re highly gifted and should be worshiped and placed on a pedestal. You’re probably rolling your eyes right now, and we don’t blame you. They’re possibly the most exhausting people to walk the earth.
If you can’t get them out of your life, at least know how to control them by learning how to set boundaries with a narcissist.
1. Is this person important?
If this is some friend that you have hanging around you, it’s safe to say you don’t need to keep their friendship. They could have been a friend since elementary school but that doesn’t mean you need to stick by them and their toxic behavior.
Evaluate this person in your life and determine whether you’re able to cut them or if you need to try to make things work. [Read: Toxic friends – 22 types, 54 signs, and ways to end friendships that hurt you]
2. Are they actually a narcissist?
Sometimes, we have friends going through hard times who tend to only talk about that.
This doesn’t make them a narcissist, this just makes them someone who’s currently absorbed in their drama. Establish whether or not they are an actual narcissist before you take any further steps.
3. Figure out what your boundaries are beforehand
The thing with narcissists is that if you’re going to stand your ground against one, you’re going to have to be firm and consistent with it.
If you insist on one boundary one day and then completely contradict yourself the next, they’re just going to keep doing it, regardless of what you’re saying.
The only way to stop being walked all over by a narcissist is to be resolute with your boundaries. So, before you set boundaries with a narcissist, you need to look deep within yourself to figure out what they are. [Read: Boundaries in a relationship – 43 healthy dating rules you MUST set early on]
4. Be compassionate, but put yourself first
Narcissists are people that are full of self-esteem issues. They just didn’t wake up one day like this, rather this has been years and years of training.
You probably thought they are overly confident people, but that’s where you’re wrong. They’re highly flawed and insecure people.
So, you should be compassionate in that sense. However, don’t let this compassion override your emotions and needs. [Read: 29 subtle signs to spot a narcissist and read NPD traits in a relationship]
5. Don’t give them so much
If you actually give in to a narcissist and supply them with the attention they demand, it will only end with you doing things for them.
If you want to set boundaries, stop running around like a guinea pig for them. They don’t appreciate what you’re doing for them anyway, so you need to pull back and give them less and less.
6. Put an emotional guard up
Usually, the advice is to put your wall down, but in this case, put it up… Way up. Everything they do is designed to make themselves look better and higher than you.
It doesn’t matter what it is, they need to come out on top. This means, in some way or form, they’re going to try to crush you.
Of course, it’s going to hurt, but this is why you need to protect yourself. [Read: 73 red flag narcissism signs and traits of a narcissist to read them like a book]
7. React the right way
You can get mad, you can yell, you can say mean things, you can do whatever you want, but is that the right reaction to their behavior?
Sure, it’s easy to yell, but if you really want to end this toxic cycle, change the way you react to their behavior.
You could play along with it and joke around, listen and simply move on, or just pull away. You don’t need to become upset.
8. Keep your personal information to yourself
They could be your friend, but if they’re a narcissist, they can never truly be your friend. They’re too involved with trying to get to the top to be the best.
This is why you should limit the amount of information that you give them. That way, they won’t use it against you. Before you tell them anything, think about how they can use it to push themselves forward. [Read: 18 emotions you shouldn’t feel in a healthy relationship]
9. And ask them to keep what they do know to themselves
We tell our friends details about our lives and we assume that they’d never use that information against us. Unfortunately, we can’t be so trusting of the narcissists in our lives.
So, if you ever decide to tell them anything personal, you have to clarify that you don’t want them telling anyone else.
We wish we could say that they’d stay true to their word and wouldn’t use your information to put you down and make themselves look better, but for a narcissist, that’s just wishful thinking.
At least if you tell them not to tell anyone, you’ve covered all bases and they’re entirely the one in the wrong if they do blab.
10. Say “no”
And really, really mean it. We get it, it can be hard to stand up to a narcissist. Narcissists only care about themselves, so when someone talks about their own boundaries, they’re not going to listen! [Read: How to say no – 15 ways to reason politely, stop pleasing, and feel kickass]
But you really need to start saying no for yourself. Is this person going to get mad at you for setting boundaries and standing up for yourself?
Honestly, probably. But, if you say no and stand by your word, after a while they’ll just have to learn that you’re a stone statue when it comes to your resolve and they have to deal with that.
11. Don’t let them disrespect you
If a narcissist talks down to you in any way, whether that’s through name-calling, passive-aggressive comments, or sly digs at your past, stand up for yourself. They’re not joking, it’s not banter, they’re genuinely trying to push you down to make themselves look better.
As soon as they make an unsavory comment about you, call them out on it and tell them that you won’t allow it. They’ll soon learn that talking down to you won’t work.
12. Don’t be afraid to ask them for space
Sometimes, we just need time away from difficult people. That doesn’t mean that you want to end the whole relationship, though. It just means that you need a certain amount of time to decompress.
So, when you feel yourself being pushed to your limits, ask for the personal space that you’re allowed to have. You don’t have to approach them in a confrontation, just respectfully ask that you have an hour, a day, or a week to yourself.
And if they have trouble respecting your need for space, just enforce it harder. Ignore their calls until you’re ready. You warned them that you wanted distance, after all.
13. Demand their respect
If you haven’t already figured it out, setting boundaries with a narcissist is all about putting your foot down. Hard. If you feel that their behavior has gotten so bad that you physically have to tell them to respect you, then do it!
Don’t let them gaslight you into thinking that you’re being overly dramatic. You’re feeling disrespected, and you need to defend yourself if you want anything to change. [Read: How your self-respect in a relationship affects you and your love life]
14. It’s going to be a constant battle
You set some boundaries with the narcissists around you and now you’re feeling great. But it doesn’t end there. This isn’t a one-time event, no way.
You’re going to have to constantly put boundaries up because they’re going to constantly test them. Yes, it’s like being around a child. But this is what you’re dealing with.
15. Make yourself number one
Wow, who’s the narcissist now, right? But let’s get real here, they’ve been number one long enough, and you’ve been the welcome mat they’re rubbing their feet on. It’s time to cut that out.
Always check in with yourself and make sure your feelings and needs are being met. If not, you’re not number one in your life.
16. Don’t let them manipulate you
This is way, way, way easier said than done, we get that. But manipulating you is all they want to do, so don’t let them win! If you can cut contact with them altogether, that would definitely be the easiest way to avoid falling into their manipulative trap.
But that’s not always possible. Instead, ask yourself what they might gain out of saying something or doing something to you.
If you can’t see any personal gain they could get, then it’s possible that they’re being genuine. However, if you can think of a clear ulterior motive, disregard whatever they’ve said or done.
You’re your own person, so don’t let someone else rule over you.
17. Have consequences
If you want to set up boundaries, you’re going to need consequences as well. What would happen if they broke a boundary? What’s the punishment?
If a narcissist offends or insults you, how will you handle that action? Will you let it slide or are you going to call them out on their behavior?
Whatever you decide on, this will need to happen. Every. Single. Time. [Read: 61 signs you’re dating a narcissist and the best ways to help them change]
18. Call them out
A great way to set boundaries with a narcissist is to call them out on their behavior.
When they’re denying that an event took place the way you described it, call them out for trying to gaslight you.
When they try to make you feel guilty for something you didn’t do, tell them that emotional blackmail won’t work on you. Or when they claim that your friends and family aren’t good for you, accuse them of trying to isolate you from your loved ones.
Labeling their behavior for what it is tells them that you know what they’re doing and that it won’t work on you.
19. Make sure you’re happy with the physical and sexual aspects of the relationship
If this relationship is a physical and/or sexual one, take this opportunity to really evaluate how you feel about it. How did it come up? Who initiates what? Are you happy with the way your relationship works, or do you feel like you have to do certain things to make them happy, reassure them, or keep the peace?
If you feel that way about anything, then it’s because they’ve manipulated you into doing favors for them. So, take their feelings completely out of the picture. Are you happy and comfortable with the physical and sexual aspects of your relationship?
If not, you need to put those boundaries in place now and enforce them strictly.
20. Keep your finances in check
You go to work and earn money so that you can spend it however you like. You don’t do all of that just to support a narcissistic friend who’s leeching on your wallet.
So, in this new boundary-setting-era of yours, make sure that your money is your own.
If they depend on you to pay their bills, insist that they’re going to have to figure out a way to pay for themselves. If they constantly ask for a twenty here and a twenty there “just to get me to payday,” say no. [Read: Sharing expenses in a relationship – the golden must-follow rules]
21. Find a therapist to help you
Dealing with a narcissist can be so draining both physically and emotionally. So, don’t think that you’re expected to set boundaries against a narcissist without help. Couples therapy might help you both to express your needs and hear each other out.
Solo therapy can be a useful tool for you to deal with the frustrations that come with setting boundaries with a narcissist.
Either way, therapy can be incredibly useful to help you get through this with a stronger relationship than ever… whether that relationship is with this narcissist or with yourself.
22. Have an exit plan
Since you can’t remove this person from your life, you’re going to have to learn how to interact with them. But if the interaction isn’t going well or you’re finding it toxic, leave the situation.
You don’t have to stick around and prolong the abuse. So, have an exit plan for when you need to remove yourself from a situation. You’re going to use it eventually, trust us.
What to expect when you set boundaries with a narcissist
Knowing what to do is key to dealing with a narcissist. But if you really want to deal with them successfully, knowing how they might react will help you to be all the more prepared.
So, when you start putting your feet down and standing up for yourself, expect the following reactions:
1. Acting like the victim
In a world where you’re the most important thing since sliced bread, everyone is out to get you. That’s the narcissist’s perception, even if they’re the villain in everyone else’s story. So, be prepared for them to act like the victim.
In their eyes, you’re being a horrible friend or partner. But in reality, you’re demanding the respect you deserve, so don’t buy into the victim-acting game. [Read: Playing victim – signs and reasons why it makes your life way worse]
2. Blaming
This is part of the victim game they’re playing. After all, they can’t be innocent if they’re to blame. So, they’ll try to make everything your fault.
They gossiped about your secrets because you didn’t tell them that it was a secret. They made your birthday party all about them because they didn’t know that your birthday was important to you. Just know that you’re not in the wrong, they’re just deflecting.
3. Defensiveness
It’s understandable that someone might become defensive when someone tries to set boundaries around them. Especially if they feel that it’s coming as an attack on them.
Just remain calm.
4. Arguing
Their defensiveness could escalate into a full-blown argument. But don’t waver. You want to be respected just like any other person does, and you’re not in the wrong for that. [Read: Relationship arguments – 38 tips and ways to fight fair and grow closer in love]
5. Flat-out ignore you
This one’s actually to be expected. At first, they might completely ignore your boundaries when you first set them. That’s why you have to consistently reaffirm them and not budge on your boundaries.
6. Hoover you
If you’re picturing them holding a vacuum cleaner to you, unfortunately, the reality is less ridiculous and more dangerous. Hoovering is a manipulation tactic to draw someone back into a toxic relationship every time they try to leave.
So, if they start acting really charming, sweet, caring, and thoughtful, don’t let your guard down just yet. That might be exactly what they’re waiting for before they go back to their old narcissistic ways. [Read: Toxic relationship – what it is, 107 signs, causes, and types of love that hurt you]
7. Undermine you
When you set boundaries with a narcissist, you might have to give examples of times when they’ve made you feel betrayed, ignored, neglected, or disrespected.
They might then use this as a time to undermine you, your memory of how things went down, and your emotions. This is just another tactic that narcissists use to give themselves power over others.
[Read: 46 secrets to deal with a narcissist, break them, and handle their petty games]
Sometimes, you’re stuck being around a narcissist. But that doesn’t mean you can’t learn how to set boundaries with a narcissist. It’s time to take some control back.
