READ: Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against straight people.
In fact, I love them so much I want to make life easier for them by writing this feature. But seriously, it is perfectly okay to ask questions, because we don’t discriminate and we are not ashamed of who we are and of what we do. However, there is a huge difference between plain, innocent questions on one hand and insensitive, arrogant, not to mention self-satisfying and corrective conclusions, on the other hand.
Let it be known that we can distinguish if you are being a curious little kitten or you are acting like a jerk. And if you are more inclined to the latter, then you should probably leave us alone and bugger off!
At times, people have to understand that we are human beings too and we do get up on the wrong side of bed every so often. Therefore, forgive us if we are not always in the mood to be Oprah Winfrey. Just like you and the person sitting right next to you, we usually just want to live our own lives in peace and mind our own business. Nevertheless, let me give you some of the answers to the questions you have been dying to ask us.
The best answers to questions people ask lesbians
If you’re straight, consider these answers as the possible answers you’ll get when you ask them to your lesbian buddy. If you’re a lesbian, use these answers as comebacks to some of the most ignorant things people might ask you!
#1 “How do you know you’re a lesbian if you never had sex with a guy?” I am afraid the answer to this question is another question. “So, how do you know you’re straight if you never had sex with someone of the same sex?” Do not worry because the counter attack typically shuts them off.
Once and for all, it is not sex that made us lesbians! If lesbian sex can convert straights into lesbians, then I bet everyone will be one of us in no time. Look, if we were not straight a few minutes ago, surely we won’t be straight even if we suddenly felt like jumping into bed with some random dude.
#2 “Are you the boy or are you the girl?” Which one is the left chopstick and the right chopstick? Neither. We are both girls, hence the term lesbians. A lesbian relationship is not about strict gender roles. We don’t always define who is going to be this and who is going to be that. We are just two women deeply in love with each other, and we couldn’t care less who is playing he or she. We can be whoever we want to be even if it doesn’t fit your mold.
#3 “Are you sure you’re gay?” You’ve got to be kidding me! It’s like asking someone if she wants to eat pancakes when she’s already down to her last bite. Yes, we are gays, we were and forever will be. It’s bad enough to ask the obvious, and even worse to ask it again when you didn’t get the answer you wanted. Never ask something you are not yet ready to accept.
#4 “So how you do you have sex?” Seriously, what era are you from? Don’t you know how to Google? But just so you know, we do have sex pretty much like everyone else, and we’d like to argue that it might even be better! We do the same stuff that everybody does with their hands and mouth, and everything in between.
And for the record, we don’t long for conceited penises. I hate to break it to you, but we can always buy one for just a couple of dollars. In fact, sometimes we can get it on sale too in different colors! And yes, we enjoy scissoring but no, you cannot watch.
#5 “Why would you have sex with a girl who looks like a boy but not with a man?” Last time I checked, lesbians mean two GIRLS and not two chick-looking girls. She may look like Ashton Kutcher, but she is still a girl. Besides, men may tend to whine like women and act like a lady most of the time, but they still belong to the same species called men. Remember the famous expression, “Men are from Mars, women are from Venus?” It means men are men and we can’t f*ck men. End of story.
#6 “Is this why you broke up with me?” No. We broke up because we were too different and we wanted different things. You are just not the right person for me and neither am I for you. We simply aren’t good to be together so let’s just move on and avoid associating our past with my sexuality.
#7 “Have you ever had sex with a man?” Who the hell cares? Really! Will that make me less of a LESBIAN if I’ve been with guys, but still turned out as a lesbian? Would it make you any less of a person if you put on a bear costume once in your life? Being a lesbian is a choice that I have made, and whatever’s in my sexual history book should not change who I choose to be. [Read: Why do guys drool when women kiss each other?]
#8 “Are you sure about your decision? Don’t you have any regrets?” Did you just seriously ask that? Why on earth would I ever regret being ME? And what is with the sure thing part? Being gay is not an option or a lifestyle choice, it is life. It is not something to be sure of like pregnancy or marriage. It is just who we are. I don’t get it why people make such a big deal out of it.
#9 “Oh no, so you’re gay? What happened to you? Are your parents divorced or getting a divorce?” How about you? What happened to you? Did you trip over something and become straight? Do you really have to shove it in our faces that something went wrong to make us not straight? I didn’t realize that a happy family is exclusively for straight people and broken ones are for gays. FYI, just because we are gays doesn’t mean we have an abusive father or a drunkard mother or a pedophile uncle. Both straight people and gay people can have awesome families, the same way both straight and gay people can have downright horrible families.
#10 From a gal pal: “Have you had a crush on me?” Oh wait, are you hitting on me now? You haven’t told me we’re from the same world! But seriously, just because I’m a lesbian, doesn’t mean I’m attracted to ALL women. And just because I’m friends with a woman, doesn’t mean I intend to hit on her. The same goes for straight people who are friends, and still manage to keep their hands off each other!
[Read: 9 signs to tell if someone is bi-curious]
It’s not that we think the people asking these silly questions are stupid. We just think that, as a general rule, it’s better to think before you open your mouth. Lesbians get asked a lot of dumb questions, but I hope this feature can help you avoid making the same faux pas.
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