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Weird Penis: 10 Freaky Behaviors that are Totally Normal

Morning wood, weird angles, and odd shapes–these are just some of the seemingly strange things about your penis that are actually normal!

weird penis

Weiner, cock, dick, schlong, junior, so on and so forth–no other thing in the universe has been given so many creative names! The male member is one of the most notorious and easily recognizable anatomical features that ever came to being, hence its prominent *and sometimes subtle* presence everywhere.

Throughout human history, the penis was met with ambivalence, yet its impression can be seen in phallic symbols everywhere. It’s in the Washington Monument, the Eiffel Tower, those risqué sculptures in the Museum of Modern Art, and even in the petty vandalism you see on bus seats and toilets every day.

But isn’t it odd that despite the penis’ constant presence in media, society, art, and history, so many men are still clueless about the phenomena that goes on between their legs?

10 strange things your penis does

Guys are normally conscious of their penis, as it is either a source of pride or shame. Medieval physicians once believed that the penis was a “little man” with a mind of its own. It’s no wonder: there are times when your penis behaves in strange ways that leave you confused and concerned.

#1 My penis shrinks when wet. Ever noticed that when you and your buddies decide to check if the river is really cold and, upon hitting the water, your schlong goes from bratwurst to party cocktail sausage? Actually, it is not the “wetness” that shrinks your penis, but the temperature.

As protruding anatomical parts, both the penis and the testicles are very sensitive to temperature changes. The testicles, in particular, maintain a specific temperature to protect the sperm cells housed within them. Their reaction to cold temperatures is to shrink to preserve warmth and maintain the ideal temperature. Your man parts are connected through a single mass of muscle tissue, so expect that shrinking balls also means shrinking penis.

#2 Morning wood. Guys experience this every day, along with the agony of trying to find a comfortable position to pee in while faced with a massive erection. Morning wood, scientifically known as Nocturnal Penile Tumescence, is experienced by all healthy men without erectile dysfunction between three and five times per night. Studies show that a man’s testosterone level recharges while he sleeps and reaches its peak every morning–hence the daily tent pitching.

#3 Wet dreams. We have all heard this phrase from our sexual education class, but little did we know that nocturnal emissions are a sign that you have a healthy pack of juice in your testicles! As mentioned above, testosterone levels reach their peak in the morning, aided by the body’s inactivity when asleep. During this time, the body expels your old supply of semen and sperm cells, making sure that you always have a fresh supply in your testicles.

#4 Unexplained erections. You are in a meeting, meeting your girlfriend’s parents for the first time, or making a speech in front of the entire class, and–HELLO! Your little friend makes an appearance. To make things worse, you’re only wearing boxers underneath your skin-tight jeans. The most puzzling fact about these random erections is that you’re not even thinking of anything naughty!

However, random erections are normal. It is the way your penis exercises itself. Your penis is made of a combination of stringy muscles, cartilage, and blood vessels, which constantly need an oxygen supply for the muscles to stay strong for sex. Getting erect means the penis is drawing oxygen-rich blood into the muscles, allowing it to stay strong and healthy.

#5 My pee sometimes shoots from a weird angle. There are times when you pee and your urine shoots sideways or flows into multiple streams worthy of the Louvre’s garden fountain. Don’t be alarmed; unusual urine flow is caused by residual semen sitting in your urethra after a night of sex or masturbation.

When semen flows out of your member, not all of it is expelled, because it has a lower viscosity than urine, allowing it to form deposits, thus partially blocking your urinary tract. If this happens frequently, without prior ejaculation, you should get yourself checked for a possible infection.

#6 My penis grows larger when erect, while other guys’ grow smaller. This is a pretty big deal for guys, since size matters to them *despite women constantly saying otherwise*. Penises can be classified into two types: showers and growers.

Showers maintain an above-average size and “deflate” when flaccid, giving the illusion of a long penis. On the other hand, growers maintain a small penis in its flaccid state, which grows two-three times its size when erect. These traits are determined by genetics. [Read: What do women really think of your penis?]

#7 I’m a sexually healthy male, but tend to have a hard time getting it up. Nope, you’re not prematurely getting old or impotent. This phenomenon is experienced by a lot of men, at different times in their lives. This is called “situational erectile dysfunction,” which is caused mainly by stress, psychological problems, or relationship issues.

Take Michael Fassbender’s character in Shame, where he fails to get an erection with the woman he’s dating, but always gets a hard on for women he picks up at random. [Read: 20 ways to keep an erection up for longer]

#8 My penis has a weird shape. So, your view of the ideal penis is something long and straight, with the tip slightly curved upward, as if gazing toward the heavens with pride. Upon looking at your crooked schlong, you suddenly feel bad about yourself. Well, don’t be, because penises with different shapes come with added benefits.

Penis curvature is determined by how your penis rested between your thighs when you were a kid, along with sleeping positions and injuries. As you grow, your penis will follow the shape it’s usually in, and this shape becomes more pronounced when it’s erect.

Therefore, guys who keep their dongs sideways in their underwear will get sidewinders when they grow up. There are a lot of normal penis shapes: straight, banana down, C-shape, S-shape, and hammer shape, to name a few. Curved penises are a gift, because they touch those girly fun parts during sex that straight penises don’t.

#9 I finish so fast and get tired easily during sex. Finishing “fast” is a common myth amongst men who’ve had their sexual awakening with porn. Most men think that exceptional sexual performance is achieved only when a single session lasts 45 minutes to an hour. That is absolutely not true.

Porn stars are basically performers, so they use a lot of products to allow them to go at it for a long time. It’s shocking to say this out loud, but several studies have shown that the average normal copulation only lasts a little over 2 minutes for guys, and orgasms last for only 6 seconds. [Read: How to last longer during sex without difficulty]

#10 My partner claims that my spunk tasted different the last time. It is true that your diet affects the taste of your semen. Semen is composed of 96% water, 2% sperm cells, and varying amounts of fructose, vitamin C, sodium bicarbonate, proteins, and minerals, which account for the metallic taste.

It is possible for men to enhance the taste of their semen through their diet and by eliminating habits such as drinking, smoking, and consuming a lot of red meat. Men who refrain from such activities tend to have better-tasting semen than smokers, drinkers, and meat eaters. So the best tasting semen comes from vegetarians!

The penis can sometimes behave and appear in many strange ways, but most are not causes for concern. However, if your penis starts to exhibit behaviors that prevent you from functioning during sex, urination, or even your daily routine, it may be time to consult your doctor.

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Paul Timothy Mangay
Paul aka Morty is a keyboard-pounding cubicle-dweller based in Manila where he occasionally moonlights as a writer for anyone in need of his mediocre word-strin...
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