Have you ever been ghosted by a friend? It stings, doesn’t it? We tend to think that ghosting is only for romantic interests, but it goes further than that.
When someone you were hoping to date ghosts you, it stings. But, because it has become so disrespectfully customary in the last few years, being ghosted is the new norm. But when you’re ghosted by a friend, it more than stings; you want some answers.
Being ghosted by a best friend is the worst kind of ghosting. It is painful and confusing. It’s heartbreaking and, in some ways, can be more difficult to deal with than a relationship breakup.
If this happens to you, it’s vital that you take the time to stop, take stock, avoid saying or doing something you might regret, and take the high road. It’s hard but necessary. [Read: These signs of a bad friend are a red flag warning]
What exactly is “ghosting?”
The term “ghosting,” first added to the Urban Dictionary in 2007, basically means cutting off all ties with someone without any explanation or warning.
Picture the scene: you’ve been friends for a long time. You’ve shared experiences, laughs, tears, and everything else that goes hand in hand with having a best friend.
Then all lines of communication are cut. It goes quiet; radio silence. You have no clue what happened. One minute you were enjoying the life of having a best friend and the next thing, you can’t even get them to answer a text. [Read: How to rebuild your lost friendships]
You have no idea what went wrong. You sit there wracking your brains, trying to work out whether you did something wrong or upset them without realizing it. But you can’t think of anything.
You call them again. Nothing. You text them. Nothing. You check their social media feed. Yes, they are still alive, yet no communication is coming your way. [Read: Emotional immaturity: How to recognize them & help them grow up]
This is the reality of being ghosted. It’s one of the most selfish and cowardly ways to end a friendship.
Why it hurts so much when friends ghost you
Being ghosted by someone you briefly dated or chatted to on an app is its own sort of torture and confusion. But since it is so normal now, most of us have formed a pretty thick skin.
But, when a friend ghosts, it hits in a different way. It is an all-new form of pain, confusion, rejection, and insecurity.
This isn’t someone you barely knew. This is someone who you had a real, deep, and caring connection with. [Read: How to stop fighting in a relationship & 16 steps to really talk]
When a friend ghosts you, it really makes you wonder why. You are connected to this person. You have spent time with them and probably know them pretty well. So, receiving no explanation for their disappearance feels somehow crueler.
You go through feelings of anger, shock, confusion, worry, and bitterness. But, it doesn’t have to be so hard to find out why friends ghost you.
There are reasons why friends ghost you, and once you realize which reason your friend had it may make a whole lot more sense to you. [Read: Toxic friends – 10 types of friends to avoid]
Why do friends ghost you?
When you’re ghosted by a friend, it isn’t for the same reasons as someone you’ve flirted with for a few days.
They aren’t trying to be cruel. They may not even be avoiding you intentionally. And if they are, they probably have a better reason than someone you met on Tinder.
1. They don’t have the capacity to talk it out
Some people do not have the emotional, mental, or even physical capacity to tell you why they need space. Maybe they want to end the friendship or they just need a break.
Either way, this isn’t an excuse, but it does help you make sense of it. It won’t give you a clear answer but helps you see things from their perspective. If you felt like you needed space from a friend, would you be able to tell them why, or would you slowly ghost and hope they don’t ask you about it? [Read: Am I being ghosted? 25 signs you’re on the verge of being ghosted!]
2. They are scared
Confrontation is so hard for many people. It seems simple to some to just be honest and open and let the cards fall where they may, but confrontation is a huge fear.
They may be afraid of upsetting you, that you’ll be mad or sad, or that you will try to change their mind. They may also be bad at communication and unable to describe why they don’t want to talk and doing so could make them uncomfortable.
3. You aren’t good for them
We know this can be hard to hear, but some people are not meant to be friends. You may bring out the worst in each other.
Even if you’ve known each other for years, if they never celebrate your victories, always question your choices, and turn competitive about who is going through more, it’s better to let go anyway. [Read: 25 signs to tell if someone is jealous of you & doesn’t wish you well]
4. Something happened
Did you have a fight? Did you have a minor disagreement that meant more to them than you? Or maybe something occurred that you’re unsure about.
Think back to the last time you spoke in person. Could you have said something disrespectful? Did your boyfriend or sibling offend them and they need space away from you to get over it? [Read: True friendship: 37 real friend traits & what it takes to be a good one]
5. They are overwhelmed
Maintaining friendships usually doesn’t feel like work. Friends are supposed to add happiness to your life. But when a lot of things in someone’s life are uncontrollable and overwhelming, they may not have the time or energy to reach out.
They could simply be too busy with work or even a family issue that they aren’t able to reach out. Have you tried to reach out? Have you said more than “hey”? Ask them what is going on without being accusatory.
Let them know you’re thinking about them, miss them, and hope they are alright. Then offer to listen as they vent whenever they are ready.
You never know what is going on with someone, even your closest friends. [Read: Is relationship stress getting to you? Learn to fix it or walk out!]
6. You’ve grown apart
Not all friends are here for a lifetime. Some friends are only here for a season or a chapter. You may have a best friend you’ve known since grade school, but after college, you drifted apart.
It hurts to admit, but when you are at different stages of life it happens. [Read: Ghosting a friend: The only reasons when it’s okay to ghost them]
7. They were never really your friend
Well, have you ever wondered if your friend was ever a dear friend in the first place? What if this person was friendly with you only out of convenience?
Maybe they didn’t have anyone else to hang out with, maybe they found it easy to use you, or maybe you were someone who was always free to join them on weekend drinking binges and now you’re not.
Sometimes, fake friends are friends only out of convenience, and once the status quo changes, the friendship doesn’t benefit them anymore. Instead of confronting you about it, it’s far more convenient to ghost you because they’re not getting what they want from you.
They don’t want to talk it out, and they just don’t care anymore. [Read: Is a friend using you? 40 signs & bold ways to confront & handle them]
8. They are being controlled
Sometimes when friends ghost you, they don’t want to. You never know what is going on in someone’s life no matter how close you think you are.
If your friend recently got into a relationship and has been distant, you could overlook that as happiness. But, when someone ditches their friends for their new partner, it may not be by choice. Controlling partners are often the cause of a friend’s ghosting.
Dating someone who looks at your phone, keeps tabs on you, and wants you to themselves can lead you to not have access to those around you. Reach out to them and see what is going on. Let them know you’re concerned. You are there for them no matter what they need. [Read: How to be a good friend: 49 traits & friend codes that define a real pal]
9. Maybe you did something to them that you don’t know about
It’s so easy to point the finger and call them a bad person for ghosting you. But, maybe you did something that either made them angry or hurt them… but you don’t even know it?
That’s why it’s important to take a good look in the mirror and examine yourself and your behaviors too. Is there anything that you could have done or said that might have been a reason for your friend to be upset with you? If so, maybe your friend tried to bring it to your attention, but you just didn’t listen.
Self-examination and self-awareness are good skills to have. So, maybe it’s time you practice it. Maybe you didn’t do anything, and maybe you did.
Regardless, that’s still not a good reason for someone to ghost you. But at least you can look at yourself and perhaps take some of the responsibility if you have to. [Read: Am I a bad friend? 16 bad friendship skills that push people away]
10. They don’t know how to communicate
Contrary to what a lot of people think about communication, it can be difficult! In fact, it can be frightening and frustrating for a lot of people, especially if they have to communicate about something difficult.
Let’s face it – most people hate conflict, mostly because they don’t know how to deal with it effectively. So what do they do? They avoid it. And avoid it. And avoid it. Avoid it at all costs.
And that turns into ghosting because they don’t know what to say to you.
This is not a good excuse, but it happens all the time. When someone doesn’t know how to talk about a difficult situation, they think it is just easier to run away rather than to face it. However, obviously, this doesn’t fix anything – it just makes it worse. [Read: 10 communication techniques to finally get them to open up to you]
But that could be why your friend is ghosting you. They don’t know how to talk about what’s bothering them.
When it comes to a friend ghosting you, it isn’t always what you might think. But there are some ways you can make yourself feel better. [Read: Good friends are like stars: 18 ways to build lasting friendships]
How to handle being ghosted by a friend
Of course, the hurt and betrayal aren’t going to go away overnight. So, how do you make peace and learn to live with it?
Firstly, understand that this is not a reflection on you. If you have done nothing to upset or hurt your friend and there is no logical reason for them to suddenly go all Casper the *un*friendly ghost on you, then don’t feel guilty or bad about it. [Read: Why being ghosted hurts so much and what you need to do about it]
It could very well be that at some point in the future, they reach out to you. They might give you reasons as to why they disappeared from your life or simply try and avoid the conversation and slide back in. What you do at that point is up to you.
However, do not allow the experience to make you bitter or think that every single person you strike up a friendship with is going to go AWOL at some stage.
Here are some tips on how to handle being ghosted by a friend. [Read: How to be mature: 25 ways to grow up and face life like an adult]
1. Do not lash out
When you’re being ghosted by a friend, naturally, you feel immediate anger and pain. This is someone you care for deeply. Now, they treat you like you’re nothing. But, this is not the time to become defensive and make on-the-spot decisions.
We know you’re hurt, but take a deep breath and think about the next step you’re going to take. [Read: Losing a friend: 30 ways to face the pain of best friends drifting away]
2. Start a conversation
When someone ghosts you, the question you want to answer is why. And it makes complete sense. If you want to know what’s going on, reach out and ask them without anger.
Call or text them saying, “I haven’t heard from you lately, is it because of something I said or did? I want you to be able to tell me if there’s something wrong. If we’re just in different phases of life, that’s okay, I completely understand.”
This will give them the chance to open up to you if they choose to. [Read: How to express your feelings: 16 must-know ideas to speak your mind]
3. Don’t expect an answer
You may not get the answer you’re looking for. You may not even get an answer. When it comes to ghosting, if they choose to simply ignore you rather than talk to you about what’s going on, there’s a chance they won’t respond when you reach out.
This is something you should expect. They may reach out weeks or months from now, but won’t tell you what’s going on right now.
4. Let yourself grieve
Losing a friendship is even worse than ending a romantic relationship. It’s a breakup you really never thought would happen. Naturally, losing your friend will bring up a lot of emotions. So give yourself space to process them.
Allow yourself the time to grieve over the loss of your friendship. But while doing so, focus on healthy ways to grieve, rather than to numb yourself with alcohol, drugs, or simply doing nothing.
5. Find closure
This is easier said than done, but with time, accept what happened and find closure in your life. Your friendship didn’t end because of you. It ended because of their actions.
Of course, in these situations, you think about the things you did wrong, but you won’t get your answer. Stop torturing yourself and let go of the friendship.
It could take weeks, months, or maybe even years before you truly find closure, but it’ll be worth it. [Read: Is a friend using you? 40 signs & bold ways to confront & handle them]
6. Keep yourself occupied
Now, focus your attention and energy on things that bring you genuine happiness. Spend more time with your other good friends or go out and meet new people. If you sit and dwell on this lost friendship, it will only hold you back. [Read: Blowing hot and cold: Why they do this, the stages & how to handle it]
You may keep them on your social media for whatever reason, but in the beginning, hide or delete their accounts from your social media. It’s a hard move to make, but act like this is a breakup.
You can’t move on if you’re constantly seeing what they’re doing and who they’re hanging out with. [Read: Social media detox: 13 ways to wean yourself off social media]
8. Focus on acceptance
How they ended the friendship wasn’t right, but it ended for the right reasons. If you’re not getting back what you give in a friendship, then it’s a one-sided relationship. If they can ghost you instead of telling you how they feel, then the relationship has already come to an end.
Yes, process your emotions and grieve over your loss, but in the end, accept what happened. In a couple of months or years, looking back at the situation, you’ll see the red flags and learn valuable lessons from the friendship.
9. Know that your friend may return
Your friend may return back into your life and apologize for what happened. But, to be honest, by the time that happens, you’ll have moved on and won’t be in the same place as you once were.
Of course, you can be friends with them again, but it won’t be the same because they betrayed your trust. Once trust is broken, the relationship dies. [Read: One-sided friendship: 15 clear signs it’s time to cut them loose]
10. Give yourself time
Remember, treat this as a breakup. You just lost someone who was close to you. You’re not going to feel better overnight.
Don’t rush the process. Instead, give yourself the time you need. Though it sounds cliché, time really does heal everything. [Read: How to forgive and forget: 24 thoughts to decide on the right step]
11. Understand they don’t deserve you
Let’s be honest. If your friend is capable of dumping you like that, then the relationship was never genuine and they were only using you. For you, the friendship was real, but for them, they were not fully invested.
If they were, they would never treat someone they love like this. In other words, this person doesn’t deserve you. [Read: Ghosted by a best friend? How to find closure and heal your heart]
Final thoughts
As we go through different life stages, sometimes we out-grow old friends. We become different people and might not have the same goals or outlooks in life. And that’s okay. It can hurt, but you will always meet new friends. And maybe they will be more compatible with you and bring more joy into your life than the one who ghosted you.
If you’ve been ghosted by a friend, it hurts and it leaves a lot of unanswered questions. But in the end, you realize that they weren’t a real friend at all.
