For most of you, the idea someone could have absolutely zero sexual feelings or desires for either gender might be mind blowing. However, there are plenty of asexual people out there who face this reality every single day.
What is asexual?
An asexual is a person who doesn’t have any desires or feelings of a sexual nature. No, this is not a sexual orientation like bisexual or homosexual. This simply means they’re not sexually attracted to anybody—no matter their gender. However, there are asexual people who can be romantically attracted to someone and actually want a full on relationship.
They desire a relationship and the closeness involved in a romantic relationship. They never feel like they want to have sex with the other person. They never get “turned on” by anyone. The warm, tingling sensation down below that sexual people feel when they make out with someone just doesn’t happen for asexual people. [Read: Panromantic asexual – What it is and what it isn’t]
Dating for an asexual
As you can probably imagine, the dating scene for someone like this might get a little complicated. When you can’t express a sexual desire for someone else who isn’t an asexual, how likely is that other person to stick around?
Although not all asexual people want to be in a relationship, there are plenty of them who want all that a relationship offers—kids, family, support. Just without all the sex. As you can imagine, that might be hard for them to do without dating another asexual person. Here’s what it’s really like for asexual people in the dating world today.
#1 Lonely. Asexuality only makes up about 1% of the population. This means the actual chances of someone finding another asexual person with whom they get along with and want to spend forever with is almost slim to none.
This induces feelings of loneliness when an asexual person heads out into the dating world. They feel alone in the sense that they aren’t sexually attracted to anyone, yet they want to date. It’s lonely because they feel like nobody else understands them. [Read: Feeling forever alone? 13 steps to feel loved all over again]
#2 Fake. A lot of asexual people just feel fake when they’re in the dating world. While some may be interested in a romantic relationship, there are those who don’t care for any intimacy in any form with other people.
However, they date because it’s expected of them in today’s society. This just leads them to pretending they’re interested. Leaving them feeling fake for doing so.
#3 People have a hard time understanding. The likelihood of an asexual person finding and then dating another asexual person is just very low. This means they date sexual people who just don’t understand how they aren’t sexually attracted to ANYONE.
They sit and ask questions and feel offended when an asexual person doesn’t want to get them naked after a few dates. This isn’t just hard on the other person, but for the asexual person too. [Read: Compromise in relationships: How to give without losing]
#4 Seemingly one-sided. Many potential partners of asexual people feel the relationship is one-sided because they’re the only ones interested in sex. But the truth is there are asexual people who really care for and value their relationship. They can’t help the fact they don’t want to have sex with their partner.
The asexual person can do everything perfectly and be the best partner anyone could have, but if the other person feels that since they’re the only sexually attracted person in the relationship they’re the only person who cares. It can be difficult for both people in a relationship.
#5 Hurtful. It’s not easy to be an asexual and be in a relationship with a sexual person. Both parties get hurt an awful lot. The asexual is hurt by the sexual person’s inability to understand why they don’t want to have sex with them.
And the sexual person is hurt because they don’t think they’re “sexy” or “hot” enough for their partner, and that’s why they don’t want to sleep with them. It’s a hurtful circle when they date someone who can’t or doesn’t understand. [Read: Sexless relationship – Is love enough for a happily ever after?]
#6 Unsatisfying. Asexual people aren’t satisfied through sex like most other people. They’re satisfied if they find someone who accepts them and wants to spend their time with them. But when they can’t find someone who understands them, it leads to a lot of feelings and dissatisfaction.
They’re also usually unsatisfied because non-asexual people think that all it takes for a happy and satisfying relationship is sexual acts. They don’t know how to mentally satisfy someone the way asexual people need.
#7 Confusing. This is for both people in the relationship and not just the non-asexual people. Just like sexual people have a hard time understanding the concept of an asexual not being able to feel sexual attraction, asexual people are just as confused as to why sexual people want sex so bad.
For most of them, the idea of a “turn on” isn’t something they get at all. They have no idea what it feels like or even if it’s real. They are just as confused by your desires as you are by theirs. [Read: Some people think sex is overrated, but others don’t]
#8 Annoying. Most people think asexual people just haven’t found the right person yet, so they try and “fix” them. One asexual interviewed through Thought Catalog stated that the worst part of dating as an asexual is everyone just tries to fix them, and then gets offended when they can’t.
People think they’re special and can “fix” an asexual person’s ability to feel sexual attraction, but they can’t. Having this done over and over again is one of the most annoying things about dating for an asexual.
#9 Enlightening at times. Being an asexual person in the dating world is enlightening sometimes. They realize just how many people don’t know what asexuality is. They also learn that just because someone wants to have sex, it doesn’t mean they won’t want to date a person who doesn’t.
The learning process that goes along with dating when you’re an asexual is a very interesting experience. They’re able to discover all the important aspects of a relationship—outside of sex. [Read: Emotional maturity: 13 clues to know if someone has it]
#10 Overall rewarding. At the end of the day, dating for asexual people can be the most rewarding process they’ll ever endure. Sure, it’s hard, and they’ll most likely fail at a lot of their relationships with non-asexual people due to their differences.
But when they do find that person, asexual or not, who wants to spend the rest of their life with them no matter what, it’s worth all the struggles and hardships they’ve been through. Asexual people have the reward of loving someone for who they really are, leaving all sexual desires and feelings out of the way.
[Read: Identifying with grey asexuality in a world of sex]
The bottom line is being an asexual in the dating world today is hard. However, when they find someone—asexual or not—that accepts them and loves them no matter what, it’s even more rewarding.
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