How do you know if your wife is bisexual or lesbian? The best way to find out is to ask, but if you cannot do that, watch out for these signs.
Not everyone is gifted with gaydar; that incredible ability to sense if someone is homosexual with just one glance. But imagine this: what if you fall in love with a woman and make her your wife without knowing that she is, in fact, a lesbian or bisexual?
Mind you, many a man has tied the knot with a lesbian without knowing. Like there are also women who married “straight” men – only to eventually realize their partner’s preference is for the same sex.
[Read: List of sexualities: 15 gender orientations you need to know about]
Who are bisexual?
When someone is bisexual, they’re sexually attracted to people of your own gender and to people with gender(s) different from yours. Bisexuality doesn’t exclude nonbinary genders, but for some, using the terms “pansexual,” “queer,” or “fluid” is preferred as it’s more inclusive.
There are so many bisexual stereotypes out there, one of which is that you have to experience an equal attraction to multiple genders to be bisexual. The truth is, some bisexuals are more attracted to one gender than others. This being said, dating someone of a different gender doesn’t make you straight.
So if you suspect that your wife may be sexually attracted to women, it may not be true that she’s been faking it with you the entire time. Your wife could also be bisexual and her feelings for you are genuine.
[Read: Biromantic – What it means & how to read between biromantic vs. bisexual]
How to know if you have a lesbian or bisexual wife
It is heartbreaking for a man to find out that he has a lesbian wife. And while media portrays men as avid admirers of lesbian romance, it’s not so appealing when the guy gets left out of the picture. Especially if that man is you.
But if your wife is bisexual, there’s nothing you need to worry about. Still, you must know how to be supportive of her and her new community.
So how do you know if you have a lesbian or bisexual wife? Before you confront her and risk embarrassing yourself, look out for these signs first. [Read: Is she a lesbian? Clear signs to know for sure]
*of course, you need to remember that not all of these signs may be valid in your case and every one of these signs are subjective*
1. Who’s the boss?
Aside from being stubborn and assertive, she seems to be the one who is in charge of your relationship. It’s her say that always counts, and she won’t take “no” for an answer, especially if she wants something done her way. She’s literally wearing the pants in your relationship. Your pants, to be exact. [Read: 29 signs & questions to ask your boyfriend or girlfriend before moving in]
2. Feminine touch
Many lesbians and bisexuals don’t really have this. Your wife may not be as concerned about things that most women seem to naturally be interested in.
For example, she doesn’t care about home decoration and maintenance, and you’re the one ending up propping a frame of your wedding on the mantle. But be careful – in some cases, it’s just who she is as a *straight* person. [Read: Why girls lie & 15 sneaky signs to tell if your girlfriend is lying to your face]
3. Her hair
Don’t jump to conclusion that your wife is a lesbian or bisexual just because she has short hair, but a lot of bisexuals and lesbians go for no-fuss short haircuts: like the short pixie cut, or undercut fade.
These are very popular hair trends in the lesbian and bisexual community – but, again, it could also just be because she thinks that specific hairstyle works better for her face shape. [Read: Sure ways to tell if you’re really bi-curious]
4. Body language
You can tell a lot about a person just by their body language. So while your wife is absolutely smoking hot, there’s a good chance you have noticed something off about the way she moves, even long before you got married.
She seems to be more masculine than feminine with her movements: sitting with her legs wide open *which you found so sexy before*, punching you when you make a joke, a subtle hunch on her shoulders when she walks, and so on. [Read: Body language & attraction – How it works, the signs & how to recognize it]
5. Celebrity crush
Who is your wife’s celebrity crush if she has one? Does she think Margot Robbie is the sexiest person alive? It’s quite fun to be able to agree with your wife on one thing, but if this is the one, maybe you should worry, my friend. Forget Edward and Jacob, you wife could have been Team Bella this entire time! [Read: 16 psychological facts about crushes to decode what you’re feeling]
6. Manicure
Your lesbian wife, if she indeed is one, isn’t interested in long nails, much less nail art. She may even chalk it up by saying she can’t work with long nails.
However, lesbians don’t really have much inclination for this kind of preening. And if you indeed see her with long nails, watch out for short middle and index or ring fingers. She keeps these short because these are her “working” fingers… [Read: How do lesbians have sex? Truths about girl-on-girl sex]
7. Sense of humor
While you were just dating, it was great knowing you two had the same frat-boy sense of humor. You believed you were really compatible with each other. However, now that you think about it, she’s made more and far better that’s-what-she-said jokes than you do. Maybe your gaydar is correct after all.
8. One of the guys
She also comfortably fits in around a group of guys. Whenever your buddies go to your place for poker night, she tags along and fits right in, to the point that your buds even do fist and chest bumps with her. Either you have an amazing wife – or another one of the boys.
9. She has experience
If you really have a lesbian wife, then her past will speak for itself. Maybe she’s already had a girlfriend in her teens, or was a bisexual before you met her.
She may have mentioned bits about her past when she kissed a girl, hooked up with one, went to lesbian bars, or was completely in love with a girl. If she’s silent about her past, you can covertly ask her closest friends for insider info. [Read: Best of both worlds – how to date a bisexual woman]
10. Eyes for her
Instead of elbowing you and giving you a fiery glare when your eyes follow a pretty girl crossing the street, she ogles her too! You’re sure that if you’re not with her, she’ll be hooting and cat-calling every woman that catches her eye.
After the two of you stare at a woman, she’ll say: “She’s so hot!” This is in no way sarcastic or condescending to you. She just openly appreciates women.
11. Flirty
You catch her locking eyes with another girl—and it’s not in the friendly in-joke way that women do with their friends. Hers is flirty and sensual.
At times, you even wonder that if you were not married and were instead just friends, she might stand as formidable competition against you over girls!
12. Porn preferences
So now that you’re married, you probably have long been comfortable enough to watch porn together. And you know what her preferences are: girl-on-girl action. Enough said. [Read: Reasons lesbian porn is way hotter than regular porn]
13. Jealous husband
Yes, you’ve been a jealous husband for quite a while now. But this jealousy isn’t over some guy—it’s over her girlfriend.
She has this best friend she secretly meets with on a regular basis, and when the best friend comes over, it feels like you’re the third wheel. Your wife is overly affectionate with her – more than with you. Most women don’t kiss their friends on the lips…
14. Her circle
Another sign that you have a lesbian or bisexual wife can be seen by the company she keeps. Does she have two, three, or even more queer friends in her circle? If all her friends are lesbians, then “birds of the feather flock together.”
15. No appetite
For sex, that is. Since you’ve been dating, you’ve noticed that she’s not one for intimacy and sex in a way that you would expect. When she’s feeling sexy, it seems to you that she’d rather do something else—anything else—than get sexy with you.
She goes through the motions of being your wife, but you have a gut feeling that she doesn’t really enjoy it.
[Read: Things that can improve your dwindling sex drive]
What it’s like to marry a bisexual woman when you’re straight
While there’s nothing wrong with marrying a bisexual woman when you’re straight, there are several things that you’ll be experiencing for the first time! [Read: Pansexual vs. bisexual: all the ways to tell the real difference]
1. People ask why she’s out
The number of times you have to hear the “did you make her like women?” joke and fake a laugh. It’s irritating, yes, but you cannot stop people from being insensitive. You can either educate them or ignore them.
2. Trust is trust is trust
Having a bisexual wife means that you need to have a lot of trust. It’s hard to see her being close to her friends without worrying that they may be flirting with each other, or that she’s cheating on you.
It’s not easy if you already have trust issues and a lot of insecurities. The only way to get through this is to work on your self-esteem and healthy communication in your marriage.
[Read: How to trust again & give someone your heart when you’re scared]
3. You learn to skip the fantasy jokes
No more “let’s have a threesome” jokes now that you know how insensitive that can be. Make sure to also defend your wife when others make those jokes. Bisexuals have been sexualized enough in the media; they should not experience it too in their everyday lives.
4. Strangers think you’re into threesomes
Along with the lesbian rumors, strangers also think you and your wife are into threesomes. It’s not easy to deal with rumors, but as long as you turn a deaf ear to them and focus on building a happy and healthy marriage, people will get bored and stop running their mouths.
5. Friends joke she’s “transitioning” to lesbian
Some people just assume that your wife is a lesbian now, and you’re just her beard. You’ll be harassed by your friends joking about your wife “transitioning” to lesbian, as if bisexuality is just a stepping stone to gay.
If your wife is unbothered by those jokes, just ignore them. If she is bothered, you need to defend her and tell your friends to stop.
6. Sometimes, you wonder if you’re feminine
You cannot help but wonder if your wife is married to you because you’re more feminine. But guess what? There’s nothing wrong with being both masculine and feminine. In fact, men who are comfortable with their feminine side attract all types of women, not just bisexuals.
Just look at Harry Styles. He wore a dress on a magazine cover, and that doesn’t change the fact that the majority of his fanbase are girls and young women who would sell their souls to be his girlfriend!
7. You question if just one gender will satisfy her forever
If this is what you’re going through, why not sit down and have a heart-to-heart chat with your wife? Your worries are all justified, and it’s her job as your wife to reassure you.
But keep reminding yourself that bisexuals are sexually attracted to more than one gender, but it doesn’t mean they are emotionally attracted to more than one gender at once.
As a straight man, you don’t want to cheat with every single girl you meet when you’re in a relationship, right?
8. You realize it’s not about the gender
It’s not about the gender. Your wife is your wife because she sees great things in you and wants to be with you. That is all.
9. You’re curious about her friends’ sexualities
Being curious is normal. Just don’t go around asking your wife’s girlfriends if they’re lesbians!
10. People call her friends her “dates”
Again, just let stupid people talk. As long as you trust your wife, it doesn’t matter what everyone thinks. You know her better than them, right?
11. You wonder if she’s better at pleasuring women
Why not ask her for tips? You two can spice up your sex life by helping each other!
Many women don’t know what they want, or how to give themselves pleasure, because they have never performed sexual activities with another woman. Therefore, they cannot communicate their desires with you clearly in the bedroom.
You, on the other hand, have an experienced bisexual wife! Ask her for tips and practice with her!
[Read: What girls find attractive: 49 traits that make a guy irresistible to women]
12. You never know who is an ex
If you’re still tormenting yourself by wondering if she’d ever dated that one girl she was friends with for a while, just ask! You’re her husband, and you deserve to know about her past. Besides, having the ex talk may bring you two closer together and help you understand your wife even more.
13. You never know when she’s flirting
Is she flirting or being friendly? You’ll never know. The only way to deal with this doubt is to build up your confidence and trust. If you’re feeling assured about yourself, nothing can make you doubt that you’re not good enough for your wife.
[Read: How girls flirt: 22 signs she’s flirting more than just being nice]
How to support a bisexual partner?
It’s not hard to show support and acceptance to your bisexual partner. Don’t fetishize your bisexual wife or disrespect her. The fact that she’s bisexual doesn’t change how she feels about you.
Don’t just assume that she’s using you as a cover-up, and appreciate the fact that someone wonderful loves you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you.
One important thing you must remember is that just because she’s in a monogamous relationship with you *a man*, it does not make her straight or mean that you “fixed” her. Believing in such a thing is bi-erasure.
If you love your wife, her being bisexual should not change that. You should be proud of her, defend her in front of biphobes – and that includes your family and friends.
[Read: 23 secret signs of female bisexuality to read a bi girl & how to date her]
Can my marriage survive if I have a bisexual wife?
Why not! She’s always been bisexual! With communication and mutual respect, you can survive any type of marriage. Having a bisexual wife doesn’t actually change anything.
If you know for a fact that your wife is bisexual, you still shouldn’t call her out. She will come out to you when she’s ready. Perhaps she hasn’t even come to terms with it yet, but believe it or not, most women remain married to their husbands after discovering their bisexuality.
Once your wife has found the courage to tell you the truth, give her love and support and reassure her that nothing will change between the two of you.
[Read: 19 secret signs your girlfriend loves, supports & wants the best for you!]
How to make your marriage work when you’re bisexual
If you’re the bisexual wife and wish to make your marriage work, here’s what you can do.
[Read: 22 marriage myths people blindly believe that ruin love forever]
1. Fully share your needs and wishes
Communication is key, and that should be the main priority for you and your partner. If you two weren’t seeing eye to eye before, it’s time to sit down and have a talk. Tell your partner about your needs and wishes while they do the same, then try to compromise and understand one another.
[Read: Lack of communication in a relationship & why it signals the end]
2. Agree on clearly defined boundaries
While communicating your needs and wishes, you should also lay out some boundaries that you both agree on.
For example, are you monogamous or non-exclusive? Does you flirting with someone of the same gender still count as cheating? Does your partner no longer want to do a threesome with another woman now that they know you like women as well?
There’s nothing wrong with having boundaries in a relationship. You respect theirs, and they respect yours.
[Read: New relationship boundaries: 12 lines all couples must draw early on]
3. Don’t suppress your bi nature for your spouse
The person you’re with does not make you gay or straight. You are still who you are, and your spouse should always remember and respect that.
Don’t suppress your bi nature for your spouse. This doesn’t mean you have to cheat if you two are monogamous, but you shouldn’t change the way you talk, dress, or act, or your self-image to fit your husband.
Although the signs above may help you confirm your suspicions, the best thing to do is to sit down and talk to your wife and be supportive and understanding. Whether she is straight, a lesbian, or bisexual, she is still a human being with feelings and deserves respect from you especially.
